Tuesday, June 22, 2010

#123 Hating Periods

It’s Saturday night and you’re fucking hammered. After a long day of bonging beers through vuvuzelas, #4 chanting U-S-A, and arguing with your bros about who was the hottest girl on “Step by Step,” you really don’t think it could get any better. That is until you see her. At the corner of the bar some hot blond chick is staring at you and quite honestly, why the fuck wouldn’t she be? You’re a fucking bro, by definition one of the #109 best looking people on the planet. It shouldn’t be any surprise that she wants buy her One-Way ticket to Pound Town.

As you make your approach and lay down your ‘A’ game aka tell her about the time you scored six goals in the #111 High School Lacrosse championship, there’s one thing that becomes immediately clear: She wants to bang you. Within five minutes you’re out the door and heading back to your #32 Bro Pad for some good old fashioned #24 unprotected sex with a stranger.

You get home and immediately start making out and just as you are ready to put another notch on your belt she stops and says: “I want to take it slow – I just think we should really get to know each other.” You’re fucked. After trying to convince her that you get to know girls best by banging them, she’s not buying it. As a last ditch effort to try to salvage the night, you decide to go against every bro-bone in your body and violate everything you believe in. You go down on her.

After what seems like four hours but in reality is three minutes of her thinking, “Wow, I wonder if we’ll get married!” and you thinking, “This better at least get me a blowjob,” you come up looking for your reward. But instead, you see a look of horror on the girl’s face. “You really need to go to the bathroom!” she screams.

As you enter the bathroom and turn on the light you cry out, “WHAT THE FUCK!!” You look like one of those fucking zombies in “28 Days Later.” After the initial hesitation due to shock you realize what just happened: she just perioded on your fucking face.

At first you try to wash it off, but you’re barely able to turn the water on before you start projectile #48 vomiting all over the bathroom. You start screaming at the girl but she’s already left. After your fourth heave into the toilet, you get a #122 text. It’s from #28 Period Slut. “Sry bout that!! Hope we can still hang out!!” No fucking chance in hell. There’s nothing that she could ever do to come back from this fucking atrocity. After all – you’re a bro and you fucking hate periods.

Periods are one of the biggest fucking bro-haters of all time. Not only does it mean you can’t bang your slam piece, but it’s seriously one of the most disgusting things on the planet. It’s fucking bro-kryptonite. While a bro will readily pop his own dislocated shoulder back in place without hesitation, the mere sight of period blood is enough to make him faint. Now sure there are people out there who will say periods don’t bother them and that they have no problem “riding the Crimson Tide,” but those people are fucking psychopaths and I wouldn’t be surprised if they tortured fucking guinea pigs as children.

I really don’t understand why it’s acceptable for tampons to be advertised on TV and in magazines. It’s fucking obscene. Seriously, what would happen if a company started running commercials for “The Incredible Super-Absorbent Jack-Off Rag?” People would flip their shit. But for some reason it’s cool to have commercials talking about repulsive unnatural shit like “heavy flow?”

Unfortunately, we live in a Bro-partheid World and sadly periods aren’t going away anytime soon. As bros, we’re not like fucking #89 Hipsters who bitch and moan about pointless shit like Health Care reform, #57 Oil Spills, or how much we hate our parents – we offer fucking solutions. While it would be preferable for bros that girls never leave the house while on their period, we realize this is a bit harsh. Since bros are compassionate I offer this compromise: Any girl on their period should be required to wear a giant “P” on their chest to let all bros know that, “I’m on my period – talking to me is a waste of time.” And for all you fucking Femi-nazis out there complaining that this would be setting the Women’s Movement back thousands of years, I have one thing to say: Fuck You. If you honestly think that wearing a letter on your chest broadcasting that you’re on your fucking period is degrading, then it’s about time you get off your fucking high horse. Not only would this save so much time, but it would avoid any awkward, “Umm, It’s that time of the month,” conversations later on when bros are trying to bang you. Talk about a win-win!

The World is a fucked up place. There are haters around every corner trying to punish bros just for being bros. There’s always questions about who a bro should trust. While I’ll never trust anyone that bleeds for a week straight every month and doesn’t die, there’s one group of people that I’ll always trust: my bros. Be safe. Be prepared. Avoid the period.

72 comments:

Anonymous said...

Christ, you nailed that one NYB. Nothing can halt the Pound Town Express quite like a Slam Piece on the rag.

Anonymous said...

some native cultures have huts they make the bras go to when they are bleeding. its removed from the village so the bros dont have to deal with them for that week.

Anonymous said...

that time of the month is the reason anal was invented. and not for nothing, the ass is probably the tightest thing on a slam piece anyway.

LIVING WITH BALLS said...

Couldn't agree with you more. I like the idea of girls wearing a P on their chest like sort of Scarlet letter.

I think I might write to my local congressman.

Anonymous said...

great post, ive been lucky enough to avoid this horrifying situation. i thought this week would be about fathers day, i mean whats better than spending a sunday on the river with your bros and their dads getting fucking tanked

Anonymous said...

We call it "getting your red wings" when going down on a girl like that. However, it can also be one of the greatest things in the world when a past slam piece gets that rag because that means one thing. Not pregnant.

Miami University (BROH) said...

I was actually just discussing this issue with some bros right before I saw the post, couldn't agree more. Many good points in this one, but one thing troubles me: you say "And for all you fucking Femi-nazis out there...I have one thing to say: Fuck You." I don't think feminists, aka dry dykes, deserve to have a pronoun representing them be capitalized.

Anonymous said...

A slam piece on the rag is really not a slam piece at all, at least for that week. I once pounded a girl with a little Red Rum left over from her previous cycle, definitely not for me. Mad bro-cred for this post NYB

Anonymous said...

As philosopher and great-black-bro Biggie Smalls once said, fuck bitches. get money

Anonymous said...

This was brilliant NYB. I was starting to worry after you went over a week without a post, but this reinstated all my faith in you bro.

Anonymous said...

The worst is when they don't fucking tell you and you're too wasted to even fucking know. This one time I brought a slam piece back from a bar and banged her out and the next morning she leaves, quickly! And I'm sitting there like "wtf? no bra slips out on a bro like this without something being up." So I investigate and the DC was bleeding... p-blood in my shorts and on my fingers... terrible deleted that number as quickly as she left.

Anonymous said...

funny post, however not too much truth to it. Yes, going down on a girl on her period is disgusting, but how would you not notice? Also there are 2 key points you left out:

1) Period=Not Pregnant

2) Period=Horny Slam Pieces, so just wrap that shit up and go to town

Anonymous said...

" those people are fucking psychopaths and I wouldn’t be surprised if they tortured fucking guinea pigs as children. "

masterful-- spat out my brologna sandwich when i read that

Anonymous said...

bros, my girlfriend just left for france yesterday and right when im about to get killer goodbye sex she tells me its that time and that we cant. Fuck periods

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous 11:38 PM ... Fuck periods? Fuck GIRLFRIENDS Bro!

the Broletariat said...

I dont trust anything that bleeds for 3 days and doesn't die...

At first glance I thought you meant the punctuation mark. I'm a retard. said...

Hate to say it and betray all my bros out there, but some girl perioding on some guy's face is hilarious. It's like their moneyshot, and I would love to be able to rip on one of my bros for putting themselves in that situation. That's what you get if you chow down in spoiled fishtown.

Poster above, way to nail it with period = not preggars callout.

Anonymous said...

As the ever wise ron burgandy taught us, "it attracts bears."

Brohammed Ali said...

Girlfriend?

You sir, need to pack up your things, get the fuck out of here, and go to brobible

Anonymous said...

i can agree that periods are definetly one of the biggest bro haters of all time. but on the contrary any slam thats on her rag means instant blowjob for payback. who cant hate that?

BROCE Springsteen said...

Well said. No true Bro would ever run the red light. Instead, true Bros go back to the bar, find another slam piece (not on her period), and pretend she's the first chick (but without the period, of course). Fuck slam pieces, Fuck periods

Christian Bronaldo said...

classic bro hating scene as portrait in superbad, some slam piece got her babby blood all over my bros pants when he was grinding the shit out of her. fucking discusting.

Brony Montana said...

Fuck curing cancer. The biggest medical breakthrough would be finding a way to get rid of periods. After the murder pill was invented periods lost their usefulness.

Only lesbians and dykes deserve to have fucking periods.

NYB you are a fucking genius. You produce quality literature week after week.

Scott BROsius said...

great post, nyb. periods are serious bro-haters. as for step by step, suzanne somers is a MILF and i'd bang out the blonde daughter before the brunette.

Bro on.

AfBROman said...

If the river runs red take the dirt road

Anonymous said...

After getting her ration of who knows what we put in the big orange jug that night this hot slut in a short skirt sits on my lap and starts asking me what I like. Obviously horny as hell she couldn’t resist the A-game and soon enough she was sprinting like Usain Bolt to get a bed upstairs. I stand to bask in the glory when one of my bros yells, “dude, what’s that on your leg, is that period blood?” Thinking it only happens in the movies I look down and that’s when I freak like Lady Macbeth. She ruined my pants, but at least now she’s known as ‘the girl that superbadded my bro.’

I totally agree NYB, I fucking hate periods. Period.

Mojojobro said...

the "P" t-shirt is priceless.

Calan said...

You fucking nailed it. I also refuse to do anything crimson related with my cock. Let those fucked psychos do that but their dick will melt off eventually.

Anonymous said...

once after slamming whiskey all night and blacking out bro-style I banged a girl on the rag...woke up with period blood on my carpet--made her clean that shit up.

Anonymous said...

Everybody knows bras are at their horniest while on the rag. However we're fuckin bros and our mere presence is enough to have a slampiece dripping at the knees. Bras also like to use a fake prd excuse to blow of cold play loving hipsters in the hopes of having a second chance w.a true bro. I mean comon, its common knowledge that bros r the smartest, best lookin, and smooth mother fuckers to walk this earth. Theres no room for hipster and periods in this bro world of ours.

Anonymous said...

Unfotunately I have had a bad experienxe. Of all times I was at semi formal with my slampiece and once we were there she decides to fill me in on its her time of the month. What the fuck bitch tell me this sooner so I can invite "econ slut".

Hebro said...

Believe it or not, NYB, you have made a point that parallels The Holy Bible.

From Leviticus 15:19-24

'When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening... If a man lies with her and her monthly flow touches him, he will be unclean for seven days; any bed he lies on will be unclean'

So basically the Bible says it's fucked up to mess around with a girl while she's on her period.

He whoeth yields not to a womans impurity, is he whoeth is unclean, is he whoeth is unbro.

Jay D said...

Dude who said "Wrap it and go to town" is a total bro hater. Yeah its a free pass on a blow job...if your a bro hater and have a girl friend. Some people concern me. Periods are fucking nasty.

Anonymous said...

I give you a standing Brovation NYB. Unfotunately I've had too many awful experiences with slampieces and their period. None worse than going in rawdog, heavy flow seconds later all over my shit. I'm still recovering to this day, but I obviously made her blow me nontheless for pulling that bullshit.

"Slampiece" said...

My boyfriend showed me this site today, and never have I laughed this much while being disgusted at the same time. All the stupid jokes my boyfriend and his bros say all make sense now. NYB and all the other bros out there, keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

if all of you werent brotards you would know you can swim in the red river, you just cant drink from it. anyone who goes down on a girl and gets period blood on his face is not a bro.

C-3PBro said...

The only thing and i repeat...THE only thing that can can nullify a ticket on the pound town express is a period. God needed one way to hold down bros, just keeping us modest. Great post NYB. Bro hard bros, bro hard.

Anonymous said...

I can only think of one time this monthly tragedy has saved my life..

I'm alluding to the time when I was obligated to jump on a grenade for my buddy. I thank my lucky stars that this behemoth was on her period, preventing anything regrettable from happening

brodolf the red-nosed reindeer said...

When i was fourteen I was gettin' a slampiece wet for the first time. I'm taking her clothes off and she announces she's on her period. Having your would be first time shattered by a period is too degrading.

Stonebro Jackson said...

If there is one thing in this world this bro hates more than (#89 Hipsters)it's fucking periods. This one was long over due NYB. Glad you addressed this issue. I was with my last slam piece in a fellow bro's room going to pound town. Lights were off and when the smoke cleared and the lights turned back on.. Period blood fuckin everywhere....Lets just say I had to make that bitch cry. Got bled on AND had to buy my bro new sheets. Fuck periods.

Anonymous said...

Its about damn time we brought this out. I gotta applaud you for finally telling the world's bitches that their "natural bodily functions" are fucking disgusting. Never trust anything that bleeds for a week without dying.

Todd Brotuzzi said...

Isn't there some pill out now that makes chicks only have 4 periods a year? Hoes should be obligated by law to take it

Anonymous said...

I've been keeping up with this website for a couple of months now and have ventured off to Brobible not to long ago also. And I must say, Broslikethissite.com is most deserving of being called Brobible. It is unbelievable how many gays there are attempting to be bro. Your website nails it everytime and I think I speak for all those who know and appreciate what a bro is really about. Even the people who comment on here have a much better understanding of what this ideal is, as well as the appropriate sense of humor it takes to fully grasp and appreciate it all. I commend you NYB for providing me and countless other people with your hilarious and creative posts. I am genuinely entertained every week I read a new topic of yours as I and many true bros can always relate to them in some way, and I wish you the best of luck. There has to be a way more advertisers can finally see the brilliance and genius of this website so as for you to capitalize on them much like that 'other' site does. Best of luck bro, and thank you.

Brominican Republic said...

Fucking beautiful NYB

Anonymous said...

BRO its called birth control... It kills 2 birds with one stone. No little bro haters running around and some of the pills make it so slam pieces only bleed like twice a year.. Fucking best invention ever= Birth control

Anonymous said...

if you can walk through mud, you can fuck through blood.

Anonymous said...

Definitely sucks when a bitch tells you its that time of month. On the upside at least you usually get a blowjob outta the deal. And any true bro knows how to convince a girl that her period is the best time to try anal aka the easiest way to make a bra cry.

$Big-Easy$ said...

To the bros above me who said at least you get a blow job, you can fuck through blood, and do anal: you guys need a reality check. First off if you find out a broad is on the period you text some other slampiece or go back to the bar for a new one. Also no bro ever should get his "red wings" or ride on the "dirt road" you are a bro and by definition one the most attractive and intelligent men on the planet so therefore don't be a fucking degenerate and stick your most prized possession into bloody and/or shitty holes.

Bro til I die

Anonymous said...

yes periods do fucking suck. i hate when i bring a girl back from the bar and we cant fuck cause shes on the rag. but thats ok, im a bro, i make her suck my dick.

sometimes we do love periods though, cause that means after a month of fucking raw dog like a bro, our bitch isnt pregnant, and the true bro hater, a baby, isnt brought into the picture.

bro-as-shit said...

great to see someone finally pointed out the greatest bro-vention since fucking drunk driving--- birth control. i fucked a girl only a few weeks ago that had some anti-baby bullshit surgically implanted that did away with the bleeding for 5 years. 5 fucking years, no period. this is a bros world, everyone else is just living in it

Buzz Killington said...

bros hate periods except for one reason... when it finally comes after some stupid slam piece has been bitching about being late how she won't get an abortion.

Anonymous said...

great post. for all the fraternity bros, the key to avoiding this problem is to create a calendar that maps out when each sorority is experiencing a code red.

Anonymous said...

as a slampiece, nothing ruined my life like periods. but then i discovered birth control and my brand stops them altogether. the government should make taking birth control mandatory. it would prevent a lot of shit--disgusting commercials on tv and in magazines, cockblocking, awkward conversations, and babies.

Brominican Republic said...

Anonymous at 3:52, Marry me. Just kidding, bros dont get married. I'd like to rail you out though

Jabrolani said...

Fucking periods are all over the world, its like a fucking plauge I'm at the world cup games and there's sooo many slampieces but me and my bros need to keep an eye out for the red wave. Great post NYB

slam piece said...

birth control is the shit. i can't get pregnant and bros can fuck me whenever they want to.

Anonymous said...

to all you bro's who say its sweet that periods mean the bra isn't pregnant. double dose of two words. fuck you. coat hanger.

Anonymous said...

I just recently got a nose bleed while I was on top, conducting the pound-tound express--bled all over the girl. I feel like I took revenge for all the bros all over america for anytime they have ever even been near period blood.

I would like to point out that a period is the wettest a bra-hole can get without being BRO-induced.

Anonymous said...

Big-Easy. Ass to mouth is the most bro move ever. Only way to beat a fucking period is to degrade them even further...

BRObi-Wan KenBRObi said...

Well said NYB. Well said.

If the slam piece has a flow, the pounding is a no go.

Anonymous said...

This is why all slam pieces should be on the Shot. NO PERIOEDS. EVER.

Anonymous said...

the only thing a period is ever good for is shuting your bitch up when shes paranoid about being pregnant cause you alway pull out and she wont belve pregnancy tests and she bitches at you for getting her pregnant all of this is because of course pms but onceshe calls to tell you the tides rolling you can tell her to shut the fuck up cause bros always pull the fuck out

Anonymous said...

#58:Hitting On a Guy with Your Period: BRAS POV

It’s that time of the month, and you can’t fuck anyone, but its perfect time to do what BRAS do best, mind game bitches. We’ll jump into your fucking head- and bring you on a rollercoaster ride straight to BRO HELL. Your out with your girls at the club, the games begin. You make your first move. You walk up to the bar next to the hottest guy you could find. Then you order your drink. “Sex on the Beach Please- hold the beach” The BRO next to you of course, is drooling, and is thinking in his head “ I’m gonna pound this slam piece tonight”. Little does he know, Niagra falls is plugged up by a extra super tampon. Suck on that BRO. You start flirting with him. “ I really like your tattoo, that shirt looks hot on you.” You have to listen to his cheesy pick up lines, and pretend like your impressed, when in reality you just want to bleed all over this douchebag’s face. Now its time to bring him to the dance floor. But you gotta make sure you don’t go superbad on his ass. Go to the bathroom and change the tampon. You don’t want the waterfall smashing on his leg just yet. So after a quick touch-up, you meet him at the dance floor. This is when we really start to fuck with the BRO. We back our asses up till we feel his ding-dong getting hard. At this point you can decipher if we got something to work with or #9 SMALL DICK-LIL BRO. But who gives a fuck- the only purpose of this night is to destroy all BROS egos by covering them in period blood (they’re favorite). After woo’ing them with your sexy moves, you say “ Let’s go back to your place” Shoot him a wink for reassurance that he’ll get laid.

Anonymous said...

the only time its not a bro hater is when it wipes out the biggest bro hater of all, pregnancy

Brony Montana said...

You all sound like fucking pussies.

She's in bed, panties off, what kind of fucking bro walks out because they are scared of some blood?

Don't bounce and go fetch another slam piece. Fucking man up, take care of business, and then go back to the bar for round two.

True bros are fucking animals. By definition we: 1.) are savages 2.) don't give a fuck. A real bro would not pussy out on the sight of blood.

Bras at their horniest, lubed as fuck, and pregnancy is fucking minimized. That's a win/win/win unless your a faggot.

Now shut the fuck up if you can't handle some fucking blood.

Tony Bromo said...

I've had the misfortune of going down on a girl while she was bleeding. Fucking shitty. But you are a pussy if you won't bang a chick on her period. Man the fuck up and get a little blood on your dick.

Sidney BROsby said...

nothing more bro-hating than a week on the rag...

Anonymous said...

It's really not that much blood - something like a few drops before u get her so wet that everything from your chest down is red. just dont touch her til after shes blown u, raw dog with ease of mind knowing youre not planting any seeds, and have her lick up the mess after. taking advantage of the insecurity bras have on their rag can really work to your advantage.

Anonymous said...

This happened to a bro of mine. He kicked the bitch out of his house and she was only in her underwear. Still kept it bro in hard times

The Man With Bro Name said...

If slampiece is on the rag, that just means I put it in her ass that week.

It's 2011, Bros. Anal is now an expected part of a slampiece's repertoire. If she doesn't give up the butt, she's an uptight prude and not worth slamming anyway.

When that time of the month rolls around, hit the hershey highway and floor it to 100. Bros don't let something as trivial as mother nature get in the way of a trip to pound town.

Anonymous said...

from a bras perspective...bitches (normal not dirty ones) think its pretty gross to fk on our periods..
but believe me, it happens a lot... with bros...so much so, that it becomes annoying..
"who cares..how bout we go in the shower?"-bro..
no bro, i dont wana fk you while im bleeding...anyways now me and a bunch of other bras will agree that when we do come across a bro that loathess the thought of your period, i usually think he's gay...and isnt the normal horny bastard that are usually bros...one day u will marry a bra and your gona have to make a tough decision but if you make this bra feel like shes completely disgusting because of naturally bodily functions (which brought you life hehe) shes sure to think you may also like men...just sayin
either wrap it up or get a bj ...fingers and mouth..gross lol

Anonymous said...

Now they have birth control that will make them have it only 4 times a year, or IUDs that stop them altogether for the 3 years they are in (and prevent getting knocked up for those 3 years too)..should be a requirement if you ask me.

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