Since the dawn of time, Theologians and scholars have debated, “What is the most bro animal?” Many contend that a dog is by far the most bro due to the fact that not only will it defend the shit out of your house, but also, slam pieces fucking love them. I’ve never figured this one out, but I’m pretty sure it’s because they’re the closest thing to their Holy Grail aka a baby. Which reminds me, do girls realize what happens when puppies and babies grow older? Or do they just think they’ll be cute and tiny forever? Part of me thinks 95% of the reason girls get a puppy or have a baby is so they can put up like 1,000 pictures of them on facebook. Girls never want some fucking giant dog who they have to walk everyday or a 3-year old child who is constantly shitting in the bathtub or screaming their fucking head off (Casey Anthony). Instead, they always say, “I want a puppyyy!! Or I want a babyyyy!!” Anyways, while a dog may be a man’s best friend, experts agree that a shark is a bro’s favorite animal.
Bros love Shark Week because we can relate to them. Have you ever seen one of those shows where they fucking hunt the Sharks? Those hunters are like the fucking bro-haters in society trying to bring us down. But instead of spears and guns and shit they use fucking bullshit laws. On dry land, we are the fucking sharks. What do you say, should we take a look at a few of the reasons why?
Dominating Creatures – We’re too fucking powerful. Due to the fact that society just can’t deal with how fucking awesome bros are, we’re labeled as dangerous and laws are passed to try to keep us down. Sharks are the same way. They’re scary. They’re dangerous. Much like a bro-hater spotting a group of bros in the cafeteria, whenever someone sees one of those fins rise out of the ocean, they fucking book it to shore. I mean fuck, bros are even scared of sharks and nothing fucking scares us. Have you seen “Spring Break Shark Attack?” Those fucking sharks killed so many Spring Breakers just minding their own business, participating in #Wet T-shirt contests. That shit could happen to fucking anybody.
Fish Envy: Do you think all those fucking loser fish like flounders and shit are happy just being themselves? Fuck no! If they had a choice they’d all be sharks. Sharks are the top of the food chain, and not only can they eat every other creature in the ocean, but you know they get mad Shark Pussy too. Just like every Tuna fish would rather be deep throating a fucking dolphin than their minnows and shit, non-bros would give their left nut to be a bro. Unfortunately, just like a shark, being a bro is something you’re born with.
Chumming: No matter how fucking scared people are of sharks, the fact that they are dangerous gets people excited. Instead of heading for the hills, there are actually people who will not only film these beasts, but also fucking swim with them. Not only that, but they’ll even chum the water to attract them. You know who else has done some “chumming” of their own to get close to something “dangerous” – that’s right, fucking slam pieces. Although their “chum” doesn’t come in the form of fish heads and blood (most of the time) – no instead it’s Wonderbras, an air cannon of makeup, and alcohol that these sluts use to lure their prey. Just like sharks, our “danger” factor not only intrigues girls, it gets them fucking wet.
We’re an endangered species. Poachers threaten constantly. Not a day goes by where we don’t lose a bro to unspeakable injustices such as marriage. Will society’s spears of conformity ultimately cause bro extinction? Or will we rise together against our assassins, overtake their boats and fucking eat them? Never bet against sharks. Never bet against bros.
Follow Me on Twitter
Like Bros Like This Site on Facebook