Thursday, August 4, 2011

#175 Shark Week

Since the dawn of time, Theologians and scholars have debated, “What is the most bro animal?” Many contend that a dog is by far the most bro due to the fact that not only will it defend the shit out of your house, but also, slam pieces fucking love them. I’ve never figured this one out, but I’m pretty sure it’s because they’re the closest thing to their Holy Grail aka a baby. Which reminds me, do girls realize what happens when puppies and babies grow older? Or do they just think they’ll be cute and tiny forever? Part of me thinks 95% of the reason girls get a puppy or have a baby is so they can put up like 1,000 pictures of them on facebook. Girls never want some fucking giant dog who they have to walk everyday or a 3-year old child who is constantly shitting in the bathtub or screaming their fucking head off (Casey Anthony). Instead, they always say, “I want a puppyyy!! Or I want a babyyyy!!” Anyways, while a dog may be a man’s best friend, experts agree that a shark is a bro’s favorite animal.

Bros love Shark Week because we can relate to them. Have you ever seen one of those shows where they fucking hunt the Sharks? Those hunters are like the fucking bro-haters in society trying to bring us down. But instead of spears and guns and shit they use fucking bullshit laws. On dry land, we are the fucking sharks. What do you say, should we take a look at a few of the reasons why?

Dominating Creatures – We’re too fucking powerful. Due to the fact that society just can’t deal with how fucking awesome bros are, we’re labeled as dangerous and laws are passed to try to keep us down. Sharks are the same way. They’re scary. They’re dangerous. Much like a bro-hater spotting a group of bros in the cafeteria, whenever someone sees one of those fins rise out of the ocean, they fucking book it to shore. I mean fuck, bros are even scared of sharks and nothing fucking scares us. Have you seen “Spring Break Shark Attack?” Those fucking sharks killed so many Spring Breakers just minding their own business, participating in #Wet T-shirt contests. That shit could happen to fucking anybody.

Fish Envy: Do you think all those fucking loser fish like flounders and shit are happy just being themselves? Fuck no! If they had a choice they’d all be sharks. Sharks are the top of the food chain, and not only can they eat every other creature in the ocean, but you know they get mad Shark Pussy too. Just like every Tuna fish would rather be deep throating a fucking dolphin than their minnows and shit, non-bros would give their left nut to be a bro. Unfortunately, just like a shark, being a bro is something you’re born with.

Chumming: No matter how fucking scared people are of sharks, the fact that they are dangerous gets people excited. Instead of heading for the hills, there are actually people who will not only film these beasts, but also fucking swim with them. Not only that, but they’ll even chum the water to attract them. You know who else has done some “chumming” of their own to get close to something “dangerous” – that’s right, fucking slam pieces. Although their “chum” doesn’t come in the form of fish heads and blood (most of the time) – no instead it’s Wonderbras, an air cannon of makeup, and alcohol that these sluts use to lure their prey. Just like sharks, our “danger” factor not only intrigues girls, it gets them fucking wet.

We’re an endangered species. Poachers threaten constantly. Not a day goes by where we don’t lose a bro to unspeakable injustices such as marriage. Will society’s spears of conformity ultimately cause bro extinction? Or will we rise together against our assassins, overtake their boats and fucking eat them? Never bet against sharks. Never bet against bros.

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Anonymous said...


King of the Brocean said...

good shit NYB, nothin better than sittin with a vape in the living room watchin shark week with the bros. also when a few slams come over and get scared of the shit on tv with some diver getting mauled by a fuckin great white, youre there to be the shoulder to cry on and dick to suck. it all works out for the best. happy hunting motherfuckers. broseidon would be proud of all the sharks swimming in the brocean

Drunkwell Brewing said...

You just know Chinese people would eat Bro-Arm Soup if they could get away with it. They're essentially wiping out the Bros of the ocean.

SP the BROst said...

Broseidon is not king of the brocean. That title falls to the motherfucking great white shark.

LeBROn James said...

"Although their “chum” doesn’t come in the form of fish heads and blood (most of the time)"

Fucking classic. Shark Week is the shit.

Anonymous said...

Great post. Whats the least bro animal? It has to be Pandas. Reasons:

No predators in the wild aka no defense skills

Mad weak against humans

Rarely bang, usually like once or twice in their entire lives, and then their babies are so weak sauce they usually die

We have to pay millions of dollars of rent to communist China every year for each panda in the states. Which basically makes pandas terrorist in my mind.

They are fat lazy pieces of shit who arent in good shape and never go to the animal version of the gym. Sharks are like a massive superjacked meathead looking to kill your ass aka complete opposite.

Anonymous said...

Let me paint a picture for you. You are on the beach, you look out to the ocean and you see a huge ass great white shark jump up out of the water and take out a seal or somethin. Then you look over at the beach and see your bro take out this slampiece with his bro moves. Sharks and bros are like brothers.

Bromar Sharif said...

Bros also like sharks from an early age. True bros were reading books about sharks and watching Jaws when they were like 7, while bro haters were drawing pictures of fucking turtles and watching Lassie.

One of my finest broments: chilling in a shark cage off the coast of Hawai'i drinking a beer and chilling with my oceanic brothers.

macaBROni&cheese said...

Classic post. Can next week be related to how this brotips fad is not fucking bro at all? "live every day like you are glencoco" I do believe that is from a bitch movie

Anonymous said...

next time write a true bros version of "bro tips". the brotips website was written by a brohater

Anonymous said...

Bro-hater Hollywood long ago exposed the world to BRO-sharks with the classic street sharks, which taught the 90's youth if u arent jacked and a bro U aint SHIT

MNbro said...

I agree sharks are undoubtedly the biggest class of bros in the ocean, but that is only one realm, and we don't even live there. I think I have to say that bears are the most bro animal for a few reasons.

1. Bears are simultaneously cuddly and dangerous, very similar to bros. It's why bitches love us.

2. Bears sleep for half the fucking year, then get up and rule the world. Bros sleep for half the day, then get up and rule the fucking world and nightlife.

3. Bears live on land. Sharks live in the water. One way to stay away from sharks? Stay out of the water. How do you stay away from a bear? You can't. They are everywhere and bigger,faster, and stronger than you. Bros, similar to bears, are everywhere. They are bigger, stronger, and faster than non-bros and the bitches cannot escape.

This is why bears are the most bro animal.

Anonymous said...

Dude lions are deffinitly the most bro of all animals.
1. Lion's are king of the jungel much like bro's are king of our own domain.
2. Lion's bang all the time and have an endless supply of lioness' to cater to their needs. Where bro's have slam piece's to fuck all hours of the day.
3. Lion's are by far one of the most furocious preditors within the animal kindom. if you fuck with a lion bet that ur ass is gunna get ripped to shreads. Furthermore, if some pussy ass anti bro tool at a bar fucks wit a bro there gunna be tore apart and made example of as well.

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