tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67289733420741044372024-03-13T17:34:42.431-04:00Bros Like This SiteBros like this stuff too...Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.comBlogger224125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-81013135015338489192012-06-14T11:51:00.001-04:002012-06-14T17:01:02.759-04:00#206 Unidentified Drunken InjuriesIt’s pitch black and you don’t know where the fuck you are. Your head is <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/04/161-hangovers.html">#161 pounding</a> and you’re pretty sure there’s <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/04/161-hangovers.html">#48 puke</a> in your hair. You break out your phone to get some fucking light. Looks like you’ve got a missed text:<br />
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“Are you alive?”<br />
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Clearly, you made last night your fucking bitch. <br />
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<a name='more'></a>As you get yourself together, you try to make sense of where the fuck you are – it looks like a bathroom, but you’ve woken up facedown next to your toilet hundreds of time, and it’s not this fucking nice. That’s when it hits you: this is the house you lived in two years ago. You must have fucking broken in. As you try to remember if the people who moved in are likely to press serious criminal charges, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. What. The. Fuck. The entire right side of your face bloodied. You eye is fucking swollen shut! Thoughts start swirling in your head, “Did I get into a fight last night?? Should I go to the hospital?? Is this shit gonna scar??” But just as quickly as you nearly panic, you remind yourself that you’re a fucking Bro. You text back, “Clown question, Bro.” As you climb out the bathroom window, your Bro immediately replies, “Nice, down for <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/04/6-beer-pong.html">#6 Beer Pong</a> Tournament?” Fucking right you are. You’re not going to the fucking hospital, you’re about to go show off last night’s damage to some lucky Slam Pieces. After all, you’re a Bro, and you fucking love getting hurt when you’re drunk.<br />
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Some people think being a Bro easy and all we do is crush brews, be rich, and take 10’s to fucking Pound Town, but they’re vastly mistaken. Let me assure you, it’s no fucking Cake Walk. We worked hard to get where we are and through all the blood, sweat, and banging fatties, our genetically perfect bodies are expected to get a few nicks. However, Bros don’t wear those scars like a fucking Scarlet Letter. We cherish them. Here’s a couple of the greatest things about Drunken Injuries.<br />
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<strong>Piecing the Night Together</strong> – As much as Bros love getting wasted, we might love #talking about how fucking wasted we got even more. Nothing beats sitting around and talking about all the awesome shit we did the night before and nothing spices that shit up like a nice injury. Bros don’t really give a shit about how we got injured, but it’s fun as shit to try to solve that mystery like a motherfucking Hardy Boy. It really doesn’t even fucking matter if you can’t figure out how you broke your wrist. Going to the hospital and honestly not being able to tell the doctor how you got hurt is about as Bro as it fucking gets. <br />
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<strong>Chicks Dig Them</strong> – Have you ever seen a girl when she sees someone get hurt? Sure at first they act like they’re horrified, but then they rush to clean you up. You know what they’re really thinking about when as they nurse you back to health? That’s right, that they want to bang you! Girls fucking love Bad Boys and you better fucking believe Bad Boys get beat up doing all their fucking Badass shit. So, naturally, girls are going to love that black eye you got when you drunkenly fell down the stairs. Sure you have no fucking clue how you got it, but it means you’re dangerous and fucking mysterious – and not "Back Alley Rapist” dangerous and mysterious, I’m talking fucking "Twilight Vampire" dangerous and mysterious, you know, the kind they all want to fucking bang!<br />
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No one ever said it was easy being a Bro. As we start pounding brews this weekend to celebrate yet another march on the fucking Warpath, we realize the risk we’re taking. Sure there’s a chance we’ll break a bone or get a black eye or even get a fucking concussion, but that shit doesn’t bother us. Losing massive amounts of blood is a small price to pay for the honor of calling yourself a Bro.
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother"><span style="font-size: large;">Friend Me on Facebook </span></a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-41038893611658270462012-05-24T12:57:00.001-04:002012-06-14T16:55:56.999-04:00#205 Drinking GamesGod dammit that second fucking 7-11 Chili Cheeseburger Bite was a bad idea. You’ve just spent the past hour playing your Bro in a best of 13 full cup quarters match, and you feel like you’re about to fucking <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/07/48-throwing-up.html">#48 blow</a>. As the room starts to spin, all you see is a shitload of beer cans and that Slam Piece you <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/10/181-booty-calls.html">#181 called over</a> after the 7th game. Sure it’s only 6 o’clock on a Thursday and she was at the Library studying for finals, but that shit doesn’t matter. She fucking knew a Bro wanted to bang her, so you better fucking believe she sprinted over to your place. Now all that stands in your way from a Pre-“Jeopardy” slay-sesh is hitting this last cup (and holding in your fucking lunch.) <br />
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You line up your quarter to the kitchen counter’s sweet spot, throw it fucking perfectly, and scream out “HIBACHI” expecting a plop, but instead of the cheers from the Bros that have sacrificed their exams to watch your match-up, all you hear are groans. What. The. Fuck. You missed. You immediately shrug off your choke and go on the defensive, distracting your opponent, even resorting to your patented “nuts on the table” move, but even though you’re screaming out the most vulgar shit you can think of, it’s inevitable: George Washington takes a Natty Bath. As you grab the pint glass and start <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/08/130-drinking-beer-fast.html">#130 chugging</a>, all you can think of is the fucking globs of chili pouring out of that rusty convenience store spout. Then, just as the quarter hits your lips, you unleash a wave of vomit unseen by the World since Lardass’s Pie Eating Contest revenge. As your Bros hit the ground laughing, you see your Slam Piece run out the door screaming. What the fuck do you care? She’ll be back, but in the meantime, you’ve got some time to kill. So, you stare down your opponent and set the gauntlet, “REMATCH.” Bros fucking love Drinking Games. <br />
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There are two things that drive every Bro’s life: Drinking and Sports. So, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that Bros fucking love combining that shit. Bros are fucking restless creatures, so we can’t go 10 minutes with just drinking and talking, I mean who the fuck do you think we are? Those fucking old ugly whores from Sex and the City?? Fuck that, Bros need to be active at all times and there’s no better way to do that than Drinking Games. While <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/04/6-beer-pong.html">#6 Beer Pong</a> will always be King, here’s a few other Bro Favorites:<br />
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<b>Asshole</b> – To be honest with you, I can’t fucking stand Asshole, but whenever I’m at some party, there’s always some guy who suggests it. Usually I make some huge scene and announce that I’d rather get circumcised by a Deli Meat Slicer, but for some reason the game goes on. The thing I hate most about Asshole is that there’s barely any fucking drinking involved. I guess it’s cool that somebody’s got to be <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/05/117-having-bitch.html">#117 the bitch</a>, but only if you make the rules for the Asshole to be really fucking degrading, like, oh I don’t know, he has to wear a diaper and maybe if he’s still the asshole after the second game, he has to take a dump in it! Otherwise, it’s really just some really lame card game without any fucking drinking.<br />
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<b>Brome-Made Games</b> - Bros are like Steve fucking Jobs. We see something and we want to make that shit better. Therefore, anytime we see pretty much anything involving drinking, we immediately put our superior intellects to use and find a way to make a game out of that shit. My Bros have created some great ones, from “Point and Drink,” where the object is basically, anyone who gets pointed at has to fucking drink to “Hide the Beer.” In Hide The Beer, the contestant buys a case, hides 4 beers, then drinks the other 20. After he’s on Black Out’s Doorstep, he has to find that fucking beer. If he finds it, he wins!! These are just examples, but one thing’s constant in any Brome-Made Game – you’ll be getting fucking drunk as shit. <br />
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<b>Circle of Death</b> – This is a game that’s played ONLY when there are girls involved. And not some fat chick who somehow showed up at the party uninvited, most likely to try to eat someone, I’m talking hot ass sluts you’re trying to bang. The entire game and it’s bullshit rules about “touching the floor” for a 4 and shit are all basically just a fucking ruse to get sluts to answer the “Never Have I Ever” questions. Bros don’t fucking break out shit like “Never Have I Ever eaten McDonald’s!!!” or any other weak shit like that. We go for the fucking jugular. “Never Have I Ever wanted to bang a guy at this table” always gets the juices flowing, but my personal favorite is “Never Have I Ever masturbated.” Girls will try to claim they’ve never “Beaten In” but they’re fucking liars and it’s your job as a Bro to call their fucking bluff. <br />
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Being the smartest motherfuckers on the planets is both a blessing and a curse. Sure it’s great to know more shit than everyone else, but at the same time, we’re not like girls who can chatter mindlessly for hours about Hollywood, how awesome Bros are, or their periods. When we’re drinking we need some fucking action in our lives. Enter Drinking Games: The Sport of Bro Kings.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother"><span style="font-size: large;">Friend Me on Facebook </span></a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-22549406083805223892012-05-17T12:28:00.001-04:002012-05-17T12:30:36.269-04:00#204 Owning a BoatBros wipe their asses with $100 bills. I always hate hearing the fucking sob stories about kids needing to “work their way through college” since their parents can’t afford tuition. Hmm, well here’s an interesting idea, if you can’t afford to send your kids to College, then, I don’t know MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD FUCKING KIDS. Seriously, quit your fucking whining, everyone knows school is expensive and shit. I mean, do you even realize how much I spent at the bars in College?? FUCKING THOUSANDS! But did you ever hear me bitching about it?? Fuck no. Sure, most of the reason I didn’t complain was that I’m better than the fucking poor kids, but it was also because my parents are rich as shit, so I knew I never had to worry about taking some low paying fucking job to “make ends meet” or “buy books.” While every Bro’s family is loaded, we don’t just fucking sit on our wealth like that Jew Scrooge McDuck. We’re fucking out there buying shit so everyone fucking knows we’re better than they are. expensive cars and Beach Houses are staples in any Bro Family’s life, but nothing epitomizes what a Bro is all about quite like owning a fucking Boat.<br />
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Scholars and Theologians have argued for years, “What is the most Bro Boat?” but let’s put that debate to rest. To be honest, I don’t give a shit what kind of boat you have, just as long as you fucking have one. And don’t try to tell me your family has a canoe or some shit - that doesn’t fucking count. Sure sailboats are cool, but I know WAY too many tool losers who beat off to wind forecasts to crown that shit the ultimate Bro Boat. Besides, when Bros are getting wasted the last thing we want to do is have to actually do shit, so a Power Boat is definitely a solid choice.<br />
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The best part about owning a boat is talking about the fact that you own a boat. Pretty much anytime anyone brings up any type of water, I start telling stories about how fucking awesome I am at driving my family’s boat. And anytime there’s someone else in the conversation that has a boat, you better fucking believe I’m asking them all about their engine and shit until I get them to admit that my boat is fucking better. This proves to Slam Pieces that not only is my boat superior, but so is my fucking dick. <br />
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You know who loves boats more than Bros? That’s right, fucking Slam Pieces. Boats prove that a Bro is rich as shit, and money melts panties faster than “Fifty Shades of Grey.” It’s a scientific fact that girls hate to work, therefore it’s their dream to marry some rich guy so they never have to. In fact, the only reason they invented the whole “Women’s Lib” thing was so all the fucking Ug-mos could support themselves since no rich guy would ever fucking marry them, unless of course he’s blind and doesn’t have hands to feel their faces. Obviously, Bros aren’t looking to <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/09/178-not-getting-married-young.html">#178 marry these Slam Pieces</a> - just bang them and <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/07/49-not-calling-girls-when-you-say-you.html">#49 never call them again</a> - but hey a girl can dream!<br />
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As <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/05/168-memorial-day-weekend.html">#168 Memorial Day</a> creeps around the corner, Bros across America will be dusting off their boats and hitting the open waters. While some of the vessels will be setting out on fishing trips, you better believe Bros already hauled in their catch of the day. The minute a Slam Piece hears about your Boat, she’ll be hooked, and who could really blame her? After all, you’re a Bro, and you own a fucking Boat.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother"><span style="font-size: large;">Friend Me on Facebook </span></a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-56197483035334230722012-05-03T13:25:00.001-04:002012-05-03T13:26:14.359-04:00#203 Girls at the GymBros aren’t fucking<a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/01/100-hating-guidos.html"> #100 Guidos</a>. We don’t spend our entire lives taking steroids and working out so we can go to the fucking<a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/07/45-hating-clubs.html"> #45 club</a> in some Affliction T-Shirt that might as well read “I will rape you while you’re sleeping.” We’re better than that. We’re finely tuned genetic masterpieces. Bros don’t live what doctors might consider a “healthy” lifestyle, but we don’t give a fuck. Our genetic makeup is too fucking perfect to absorb any fat, but even Batman needs to hit the gym every once in awhile. While the primary reason that Bros visit the gym is to maintain perfection, everyone fucking knows the real reason we’re there: checking out all the Slam Pieces. <br />
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When Bros go to the gym, 10% of their time we might actually be lifting weights or running on the treadmill. The rest of the time is spent either talking to their Bros about how fucking hard it is to lift since they’re so <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/04/161-hangovers.html">#161 hungover</a> and deciding which one of the Gym Sluts they want to fucking nail. The Gym is a fucking hot spot for girls as it allows them to burn off all the calories they ate when they were <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/11/142-blacking-out.html">#142 blacked out</a>, and more importantly, put up a Facebook Status that they’re “At The Gym!!!” or to inform everyone of the “COUNTDOWN TO SPRING BREAK!!! GYMMMM ALLL DAYYYY!!” Someday, there’ll be a Gym like in that “Call On Me” music video, where only hot girls are allowed to join. Until then, we’re stuck with three types of girls pounding the ‘mill - what do you say we take a look at them?<br />
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<strong>The “King Hippo”</strong> – Honestly, I almost feel bad for the fucking Whale at the gym, because yeah, she’s fucking fat as shit, but at least she’s trying to get to a point where a guy could actually get a boner when he sees her naked. As much as I want to slowly and seductively eat a tub of Ben and Jerry’s in front of her, I usually just let her do her thing by pretending I don’t notice she’s there like she’s some homeless guy begging for change at a stoplight. The King Hippo is also a nice reminder to the hotter girls that if they stop working out, they could be the ones with fat busting out of their fucking foreheads. <br />
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<strong>The “Don’t Call it a Comeback”</strong> – Sometimes, hot girls get a little lazy. They get all fucking full of themselves, have a few too many late night Chanello’s pizzas and before they know it, the only guys giving them the time of day are fucking hammered at 2am trying to sift through the last ditch effort scraps. Needless to say, their once strong confidence is shaken. Bros never have to fucking lay groundwork, but this is one of the rare circumstances where it’s worth that 3 minute investment to let them know you notice them. Obviously, you’re not going to try to make a move until they’re back in shape – that’s just disgusting. But by planting the seed during this horrifically tragic period of their life where they’re slightly overweight, not only will you get to bang her when she’s hot again, but you’ll give her some extra motivation to get back to that level of attractiveness everyone wants her to be at. It’s a Win-Win!<br />
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<strong>The “Knockout”</strong> – Every gym has that one Perfect 10. No matter where you, when she walks in every guy immediately starts nodding their head to one another as if to say, “She’s fucking here.” Most people would tend to think this girl’s off limits or out of their league. Most people are not Bros. You see, ever since the cream of the crop hot girls grew boobs, they’ve been told they’re prettier than fucking Cinderella. They depend on that shit and feed off it – it’s the only thing that keeps their egos alive. While most might suggest just a subtle negative comment might throw her off her game, Bros don’t do anything subtly. By pointing out any flaw that the fucking Elliptical Princess has, you ensure that you’ll stand out in her mind as an asshole, and you know what happens to assholes? They get fucked. I like to really pour that shit on heavy, like say she’s getting some water after running and she’s a little sweaty. I’ll comment on her Body Odor (even if she doesn’t have any) by holding my nose and shouting “PEEEE-YOUUU ANYONE EVER HEARD OF DEODERANT??” Or if you want to go with a surefire classic, just make Pig noises next to her as she runs. Get creative with it! Pretend you work at the Gym and tell her the treadmill has a weight limit! Calling a hot girl fat is the easiest way to punch that one-way ticket to Pound Town. <br />
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While Bros’ lives don’t revolve around the Gym and Tanning Salon like the fucking Mouth Breathers on Jersey Shore, we recognize its importance. In this life, you only get one shot at being a fucking Bro, so why would you ever take a break? When Bros enter the Gym, we don’t just see weights and treadmills – we see a fucking opportunity. <br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother"><span style="font-size: large;">Friend Me on Facebook </span></a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-8846287930106706342012-04-26T12:12:00.000-04:002012-05-03T13:26:06.002-04:00#202 The Last Few Weeks of CollegeAll the good shit happens in the Spring. For the past few months we’ve been fucking cooped up inside in some weird holding pattern between the NFL and the playoffs/baseball seasons, and to be honest it’s kind of fucking blown. Sure we’ve been wasted for most of that time, but come on, do the prime slam pieces even make it out of their fucking houses during the Winter? Anyways, while weekends are already getting booked up for all <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/07/173-daytime-drinking.html">#173 day drinking</a> events, there was a time that I fucking hated what these weeks represented. A few years back, I looked at the calendar and didn’t see the swarms of Slam Pieces about to flock to the bars like the fucking salmon of Capistrano. I didn’t see the Beach Bars overflowing with people getting so wasted they had to be carried out at 10 am. I saw the end of College. I saw an end to my life as a Bro. Had I known what I know now, there’s no fucking way I would have been depressed about having to become an “adult.” I wouldn’t have given a shit that I didn’t have a job or even a fucking interview. I would have appreciated it for what it was, because Bros, it truly doesn’t get any better than the last few weeks of College. <br />
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One of the most common Bro Myths out there is that being a Bro ends the day you <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/05/118-hating-graduation.html">#118 graduate</a>. This couldn’t be fucking further from the truth. All graduation means is that you’re going to take what you learned on your College Campus and apply that shit in the bars of the real world. In many cases, it’s better to leave College, because after 4-6 years of getting fucking wasted and plowing anything that moves above a 6, you’re bound to have a reputation as a Bro King. Sure, this is the highest distinction any Bro could ever hope to achieve, but for some odd reason, some girls might not want to bang you since you’re obviously better than them and never going to talk to them again. Bros shouldn’t be upset with the impending end of their College life - they should fucking embrace that shit, and there’s no better way to do that than in these upcoming weeks. <br />
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Perhaps the only Bro-Life initiative Colleges ever fucking instituted was the gap between the end of exams and Graduation. Over their College career, Bros never hesitate to go out every fucking night, but for the last few weeks of College, EVERYONE goes out. While this can be shitty since the lines at all the bars are endless, you’re a Bro, you don’t fucking stand in line. Bros, by definition, know every fucking bouncer in their College town. Let those pieces of shit that actually thought College was about learning stand in line and think about how they fucking wasted the best four years of their lives.<br />
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While it blows that everyone and their fucking mother goes out the last couple weeks of College, it’s the reason why they go out that’s fucking amazing. You see, for four years, girls on a College Campus feel fucking trapped. It’s a scientific fact that their hormones are fucking raging and all they want to do is get railed, but unfortunately, once again, society steps in the way of nature’s plan. They have to sit back and control their urges, fearing they’ll be called <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/04/3-calling-girls-sluts.html">#3 sluts</a>. Much like <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/10/86-halloween.html">#86 Halloween</a>, for College’s final fortnight, the word “slut” doesn’t fucking exist. Every girl has a fucking bucket list for all the Bros they want to bang before they graduate and you better fucking believe they’re going to be crossing shit off left and right. It’s honestly like the apocalypse is coming - everyone’s getting fucking wasted and banging anything that fucking moves, wherever they can find fucking flat ground. <br />
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And to all you fucking “Bros” that have girlfriends and are pissed off that you can’t engage in the sexual hotzone that would rival a <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/04/113-tiger-woods.html">#113 Tiger Woods</a> trip to Denny’s, I’ve got three words for you: Do it anyway. BUT NYB, WE’RE DEFINITELY GETTING MARRIED!!! No, you’re not. I knew so many people in College that I thought WITHOUT A FUCKING DOUBT were getting married, and you know how many of them actually got married? 0. You will break up. This is a fact. So, might as well do that shit now, while the fucking’s good! You can always get back together, but NOTHING will ever overcome looking back five years from now and realizing you totally could have gotten a hummer from some slut behind a Wawa dumpster. <br />
Bros, don’t let that fucking Tom Petty quote brainwash you. Sure, in the coming months you’ll probably have to start doing work for a boss and shit, but does that mean you still can’t go out and get fucking wasted and bang some Rajon Rando? Fuck no. Bros are like a fine cheese – with age, we get better and constantly smell like pussy. Graduation is just another step in our life to Bro greatness, so strap in and fucking enjoy the ride.
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother"><span style="font-size: large;">Friend Me on Facebook </span></a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-75695786009802383532012-04-19T11:53:00.004-04:002012-04-19T11:55:51.749-04:00#201 Getting High at Inappropriate TimesLaws don’t fucking apply to Bros. We do what we want, whenever the fuck we want to do it, and you better fucking believe we get away with that shit, too. Why? Because our Fathers will fucking sue the living pants off anyone that tries to give us any shit. While currently, the Bro Hater that is society has put laws against buying, selling or holding <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/09/70-weed.html">#70 weed</a>, bros don’t give a fuck. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? Throwing that shit out? Motherfucker please, that’s not gonna stop us. You see, with Weed, much like with everything else, Bros need a fucking challenge. We’re not like some loser, content to spend his meaningless life married to some fucking heffer, working some shitty job just so he can afford to feed his wife whatever the fuck fat bitches eat – probably goats lowered to them like the T-Rex’s feeding in “Jurassic Park.” Sure it’s fun to get high as shit and watch Adam Sandler movies before he decided to stop being funny, but where’s the fucking adventure in that? Bros need to experience life to it’s fullest, and that’s why we get fucking high as shit at inappropriate times.<br />
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There’s a big difference between Bros and Potheads. Bros don’t go around basically in a Weed-worshiping religious cult praising the magic herb for all the fucking wonders in the World. And Bros don’t smoke weed to “become one with nature” either. Fuck that. Oh, really? You’re a Rastafarian? Which side of Jamaica is fucking Fairfax, Virginia on? Bros smoke weed for one reason and one reason only: to get fucked up. While legislation has passed in support of groups that promote Terror on Bros for our Public Drunkenness, those fucking Fat Cats in Washington still can’t detect us getting high as shit. Here’s a couple fun places some might consider “inappropriate” to get high.<br />
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<b>Class</b> – There’s no place worse for a Bro to act like the fucking Bro he is than Class. I mean, what the fuck is the point of even going to Class? To get good grades and a job? Umm, I don’t know if you knew this, but we’re fucking rich as shit. I’m pretty confident we’re getting jobs. But still for some reason, we need a fucking diploma. I honestly can’t wait until all this shit is like “Gattaca” where they just place us in high paying jobs because of our perfect DNA. Unfortunately, in our current Pre-Bro Rights World, we have to actually show up for this shit. Getting drunk for Class is always fucking amazing, but honestly, when I’m drunk I don’t want to be listening to some tool ass professor drone on and on about bullshit like European History that I’ll NEVER FUCKING USE – I want to be grinding on some fucking pussy! Thank God there’s weed. Weed makes time fly the fuck by, not to mention it makes everything a shitload funnier. My favorite place to show up high in College was Women’s Studies class. (That’s right, I took a Women’s Studies class, mostly just to argue, but also because there were always a shitload of hot girls in it.) Anyways, that shit was better than The fucking Hangover! Every girl would try to make a case about how Women are equal to Men and I’d just fucking laugh hysterically. Yeah I got kicked out of class a couple times, but I didn’t give a fuck. At least I got credit for fucking showing up. <br />
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<b>Around Family</b> – You know what the worst time is? Fucking Family Time. I mean, let’s be honest, if Bros didn’t get a shitload of cash, presents, and inheritance from their parents, they probably wouldn’t even fucking call them. So, when they demand you come to dinner on a night where you won’t even be getting a fucking gift, you better believe we’ll smoke up for that shit. Honestly, your parents should feel fucking honored to be in your presence and it shouldn’t matter that your eyes are bloodshot and you don’t say a word as you try to shove your entire meal into your mouth at one time like you’re Christina Aguilera stuffing herself into an outfit from 2003. If they wanted you to actually be sociable, they should’ve probably thought about that before forcing you to come to dinner with them. <br />
As we approach a day that symbolizes a “Fuck You” to the people who make the bullshit laws we’re forced to abide by, let’s all take a moment to just appreciate the fight we’re fighting. We’re Bros – we choose to smoke weed not because we’re fucking Potheads, but because it fucks us up. Sure they might have tools to tell how drunk we are, but I fucking DARE them to arrest me for eating an entire box of E.L. Fudge cookies in the Grocery Store aisle. I DARE them to kick me out of Easter Sunday Mass for laughing violently during the part where people pray for their dead family members. I fucking DARE them to tell me to stop being a Bro. Happy <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/04/115-420.html">#115 420</a> Bros.
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother"><span style="font-size: large;">Friend Me on Facebook </span></a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-14586090784629919802012-04-12T12:15:00.000-04:002012-04-19T11:54:37.637-04:00#200 Having a High ToleranceThis fucking bitch didn’t know what she was getting herself into. It was clear the moment she saddled up next to you at the bar that she was houndin’ for a poundin’ but for some reason she wanted to make you “earn it.” <br />
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“If you want to go home with me, you have to beat me in a drinking contest,” she slurred out of the side of her mouth. You tried to warn her, but then she pulled out the trump card: “Come on you fucking pussy.” <br />
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You shook your head and replied, “Whatever, it’s your funeral.” <br />
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After starting off the festivities throwing back multiple Car Bombs, she was still fucking talking shit, even though her eyeballs are clearly glossed over and the “shit talk” was more just a fucking constant rambling about the plotline of “The Vow.” <br />
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More shots. While you had just started buzzing, your opponent was drooling like Adele at Hardee’s. <br />
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“You ready to throw in the towel?” you offered.<br />
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“Fehkin, brighng that shiiiit on!!” It’s cute when girls try to act tough. She was a fucking lost cause, but just to put a bow on the competitions, you decided to bring in the fucking Sandman. You gave the <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/01/147-bartenders.html">#147 Bartender</a> a nod and tapped your right arm. He fucking knew what that meant - it was time for the closer: Rumpleminz.<br />
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Ahh, fucking minty – just like back in the good old grade school days when you’d pound caps of Scope. Just as you were ready to order another round, you glanced at your opponent and discovered she was passed out on the bar. There’s truly no place for a Slam Piece in a Game of Brones. In all honesty, who the fuck did she think she was dealing with? You’re a Bro and you better fucking believe you’ve got a high tolerance. <br />
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Contrary to popular belief, we’re not born with our fucking stellar tolerances. Do you think Indian Chiefs were able to suck down that fucking Peace Pipe without hacking up a lung the first time they puffed that shit? Fuck no. Just like Bros with drinking, they train their body for greatness. Having a high tolerance is like having a shitload of scalps. Sure it might have been tough to collect them all – there might have been some <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/07/48-throwing-up.html">#48 puking</a>, some <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/06/36-peeing-places-that-arent-toilet.html">#36 peeing on your roommate’s laundry</a>, and worst of all, you might have even banged some fatties, but the point is, you’ve fucking earned your high tolerance, and nothing, except Bro-Hater liver disease, can take that shit away from you. <br />
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High tolerances are good ways to separate the Bros from the fucking Brosers. Sure the Brosers can dress the way we do, and even fucking copy everything we say, but if they can’t drink for shit, they’re gonna stick out like George Zimmerman at The Apollo. Everyone always talks about how fucking good it is to have a low tolerance so you can “save money.” Bros are rich as shit so we don’t give a fuck about saving money. Bros aren’t fucking pissed when they wake up to find they dropped $300 at the bar. We proudly announce that shit to the World like we’re fucking Harry Carey. <br />
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Let’s be honest, the number one reason Bros have a high tolerance is the same reason Bros do pretty much everything else in their lives: to get fucking laid. Drinking enough alcohol to get Josh Hamilton buzzed then making fun of everyone else by calling them a lightweight is a fucking panty-melter. Anytime I’m trying to bring some fucking Slam Piece back to my <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/06/32-bro-pads.html">#32 pad</a>, I’ll order the highest content alcohol shot at the bar right in front of her. If she gives me a weird look or shit, I just explain that “I have to, it’s the only way I can get a buzz these days.” That way she knows how fucking awesome that I am and that I fucking love to party. Literally 9 times out of 10 she’s <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/12/145-blow-jobs.html">#145 blowing me</a> like 10 minutes later behind the alley-dumpster. <br />
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Bros are fucking competitive as shit. We want to bang the hottest girl at school, to have the richest parents, and we want to be the guy who gets wasted more than any other motherfucker out there. For most of our competitive events, we have a way to judge who wins and who’s the fucking loser. Since Bros are by far the smartest people on the fucking planet, we’ve been able to generate a way to measure the unmeasurable. By having a high tolerance, not only do Bros get Slam Pieces wet as shit, but they prove to their fellow Bros just how fucking awesome they are. Stay thirsty, my Bros. <br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother"><span style="font-size: large;">Friend Me on Facebook </span></a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-12213212714842745962012-04-05T11:53:00.000-04:002012-04-05T12:05:42.098-04:00Brocism in America: The Bengals Cheerleader and The Bro KingLet’s get one thing out of the way: I don’t support <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/11/joe-paterno-and-worst-scandal-in-sports.html">child molestation</a> and there’s nothing Bro about rape. I think people that do that shit are fucking disgusting. Thankfully, the molestors and rapists that get caught get everything that’s fucking coming to them in prison. That being said, there’s been some bullshit Brocism brewing over the past few weeks, and I’m not gonna fucking stand for this shit. Here’s a brief recap from <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/early-lead/post/bengals-cheerleader-former-teacher-sarah-jones-pleads-not-guilty-to-sexually-abusing-student/2012/04/02/gIQAy6yHrS_blog.html">the Washington Post</a>: <br />
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Sarah Jones, the captain of the Ben-Gals cheerleading squad, was indicted last week on claims that she had sex with a 16-year-old high school football player four or five times and exchanged numerous text messages with the student, as first reported by the Cincinnati Enquirer. <br />
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Jones, who resigned from her job as an English teacher at Dixie Heights High in Kentucky in November, faces charges of first-degree sexual abuse and unlawful use of electronic means to induce a minor to engage in sexual or other prohibited acts. </blockquote>
<a name='more'></a>Alright, for those of us who are above the legal age of consent, let’s try to remember back to what it was like being a 16-year-old in <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/03/111-high-school.html">#111 High School</a>. What were we thinking about constantly? That’s right, fucking banging bitches. Personally, I went to an all-boys private school (Just like Papa Doc!), so it’s not like I could just get a <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/12/145-blow-jobs.html">#145 hummer</a> from some girl in the bathroom while a couple people stood guard like they do all the time at public schools, or at least the ones in <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/09/73-wire.html">#73 The Wire</a>. So, we had two options to pass our time during the day. One: just check out whatever porn the fucking Brocist nerd Network Controllers hadn’t blocked yet in the Computer Lab or Two: Undress the Female Teachers with our eyes.<br />
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Don’t get me wrong - we didn’t have hot teachers at our High School, but that didn’t fucking matter. We’d spend hours talking about what middle aged mediocre-at-best looking teacher was the hottest, and looking back on this shit now, I really have no fucking clue what I was thinking. The point is we were High School boys with fucking raging hormones. Much like Lamar Odom – we’d fucking bang anything. <br />
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Now, here’s a curveball that would make Stephen Fucking Strasburg jealous. Imagine that haggard old woman with thinning hair and possibly a fake hip is actually legitimately hot. Not unbelievable enough for you? How about she’s a fucking Professional<a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/09/134-cheerleaders.html"> #134 Cheerleader</a>. Granted, it looks like her face got blasted with a fucking twin barrel shotgun loaded with Concealer and Mascara, but still, she’s a lot hotter than your average 50 year old mother of three with self dyed hair and a FUPA you could rest a fucking drink on. I mean, even today, it’d be a pelt of pride to bang a Redskinette, but in High School? Holy shit, I’d be a fucking God. <br />
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The “victim” in this case is clearly one of the greatest Bro Kings of our generation. I would love to just sit down and pick his brain about how he made this shit happened. Like did he start answering questions on his test with subtle sexual suggestions?? For example: <br />
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Q: What was the significance of the Mississippi River in “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” <br />
A: Ever fuck in a racecar bed??? </blockquote>
It’s just genius, and honestly, what’s the worst that can happen? Get expelled? Yeah, I’m sure he’s REALLY scared about that. He goes to a school named Dixie Heights High – don’t really think he’s gonna need a High School diploma for his future career as a Professional Shit-Unclogger/Drunk Racist. This was clearly his only chance for eternal glory and he grabbed that shit by the fucking fake boobs. <br />
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Unfortunately, not all people can congratulate deserving individuals for great accomplishments. Instead, they get jealous, and that’s what makes them Brocists. You see, the state of Kentucky’s not fucking budging on this shit. Instead, they’re punishing the Cheerleader for doing what Slam Pieces are genetically engineered to do: banging Bros. Honestly, it’s not her fault, he’s a fucking Bro King, thus irresistible to the opposite sex, but what kind of precedent is this setting?? You look back to past cases of hot teachers banging their students and getting put in jail and you know what this says? “Fuck you Bros, we can’t punish you, so we’re setting a fucking example!” Honestly, who’s the victim here? Will the 16-year-old Bro King need to go through years of therapy to get over this shit? Fuck no. He’s probably enjoying a ticker tape parade of high fives and girls trying to bang a fucking celebrity. <br />
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So, where do we go from here? We need the fucking Supreme Court to intervene NOW. If they’ve got time to listen to Sammy Sosa slaughter the fucking English language, they’ve got time for this travesty. Yeah I know, laws are laws and you can’t make exceptions, blah, blah, blah, but in this case, you’ve really got no choice. In cases of sexual assault by a teacher on an underage male student, we need a rating system. This is what I propose: You give the 9 Supreme Court Justices numbered placards, much like the Slam Dunk Contest, and when each Defendant walks into the Court Room, the judges could determine just how hot she is. If she passes a certain predetermined number, Boom – innocent. Also, the kid will receive some sort of prize money created from an account of taxpayer money for such a great accomplishment. It’s a win-win situation. <br />
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Recently, a scientific survey was conducted among a random sample of Bros with the question asked, “What is the most dangerous thing in the World?” and their answer will shock you. Was it Cancer? Nope. AIDS? Wrong again. The most popular response? Brocism. Bros, as proven by this survey, this is not just something that was made up. Brocism is real. Will we ever see an end to Brocism? Doubtful. Will I work every day to make sure we do. You better fucking believe it. Just because Bros are better than you, doesn’t mean we can’t live as equals. End Brocism Now.
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother"><span style="font-size: large;">Friend Me on Facebook </span></a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-23542130028142781022012-03-29T11:58:00.002-04:002012-04-05T12:05:29.953-04:00#199 Rob GronkowskiBro Kings aren’t manufactured - they’re fucking born. I remember the first time I heard of him. Bill Simmons was going aspeshit on twitter during a preseason game where he blew up for something like 4 touchdowns or some shit his rookie season. To be honest, I didn’t think all that much of it. I mean, it was just preseason, even fucking Mark Sanchez puts up big number in those game. But this wasn’t just some flash in the pan preseason hero like Colt Brennan. This was the coronation of a fucking Bro King. Since that point, his on field performance could only be described as Bo Jackson in <i>Techmo Super Bowl</i> on fucking steroids, but that’s not what makes him a Bro Icon. These days, it’s hard to open up Deadspin or ESPN without seeing a picture him getting wasted or “priming the motor” on some fucking Slam Piece. He’s our Ambassador to the rest of the World and he’s spreading the good news each and every day. He’s Rob Gronkowski – and he’s the fucking man. <br />
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He may be a Bro King, but heavy is the head that wears the crown. Over the past year, I can’t think of an individual who’s dealt with more blatant Brocism than Rob Gronkowski. The first of such hate crimes occurred back in October, when Gronk was photographed with Bibi Jones, a Porn Star, who was donning his #87 Patriots threads. The public was fucking outraged, and I have no idea why. Sure, he’s hanging out with a Porn Star, but what’s the big shock there? If you honestly think all these Pro athletes are spending their off days getting plenty of sleep and constantly studying the playbook, then you might as well get back to licking the window on the short bus, because you’re a fucking retard. Here’s a newsflash: athletes fucking bang <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/12/146-strip-clubs.html">#146 Strippers</a> and Porn Stars all the fucking time. The only difference is, all those pieces of shit care about what the Public thinks, so they won’t own up to that shit. <br />
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Gronk’s the real fucking Honey Badger. Just look at this past week – photos started popping up all over the internet of Gronkowski bonging <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/08/130-drinking-beer-fast.html">#130 beers</a>, hanging out with <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/01/101-younger-chicks.html">#101 younger chicks</a> (maybe a little too young, but I’m not a fucking jury), and basically enjoying <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/03/108-spring-break.html">#108 Spring Break</a> just like any typical 22 year old Bro. And what does he get? Fucking Society’s judgment claiming he’s not acting responsibly or should be rehabbing and shit. Fuck that noise. Gronk is living the dream.<br />
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Rob Gronkowski is a fucking Bro first, then an NFL Superstar. Imagine you’re Rob Gronkowski. How do you think you would act? Would you say all the right things to the media? Would you try to be a model citizen and live by the NFL’s bullshit moral code? Or would you get fucking wasted and bang the hottest pieces of ass the country has to offer. I think we all know the answer to that. And the night after a crushing Super Bowl loss, where you overcame an injury that would probably knock half the league out for the fucking season, would you just mope around crying? Fuck no. It’s the biggest party of the year and you just spent the past week trapped in a Hotel room being prodded by fucking reporters trying to analyze your every fucking movement like you’re fucking Barbaro everytime you left the room. You have the right, no fuck that, the obligation to get fucking wasted with your Bros. BUT NYB, IF HE COULD DANCE TO LMFAO, WHY COULDN’T HE HAVE PLAYED BETTER!!! Shut the fuck up, nobody fucking knows what it’s like to play an NFL game, much less the Super Bowl. Also, he was wasted – everyone knows alcohol fucking cures everything.<br />
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Life in the NFL is short and cruel. While most players just sit there quietly adhering to whatever fucking Darth Goodell decides their fate to be, one player said, “Fuck that.” One player decided, no one, not the NFL, not fucking society can tell him who the fuck he is. Over the past few seasons, his pursuit of an abolition of Brocism has been inspiring. Rob Gronkowski has undoubtedly proven that wounds heal, scars fade, but Bro Kings fucking last forever. Somos Todos Fiesta.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother"><span style="font-size: large;">Friend Me on Facebook </span></a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-17290377771160408092012-03-22T13:00:00.003-04:002012-03-29T14:49:46.532-04:00#198 Yoga PantsGirls will do fucking anything to get banged by Bros. Just fucking admit it - every action they take is done so that they can get to Pound Town as quickly and often as possible. To all you doubters out there, what the fuck do girls ever do that’s with the intention of anything different? Work hard in school and make their way to the top of the Corporate Ladder, you say? Yeah right, that’s just so they can make Bros bang them to get ahead in the company (e.g. Condoleezza Rice and Barack Obama (probably)). If girls had their way they’d lie around all fucking day eating tub after tub of Chunky Monkey while they watched some shitty show about how fucking awesome Oprah is or some shit. But come on, girls realize they could never get stuffed (by White guys at least) if they looked like King Hippo’s fucking twin sister, so they actually put some effort into their appearance. <br />
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Even though they’re probably the most uncomfortable and non-sensical shoe, girls spend half their lives in high heels just to make their legs look good. And look at fucking <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/06/170-thongs.html">#170 thongs</a> – girls sacrifice having constant wedgies just so their asses look on point. And just so they can attempt to look like <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/12/95-models.html">#95 Models</a> aka what every woman should strive to be, they constantly work out. Now, girls’ workout clothes have evolved over the years, but thanks to science, we’re at the peak of innovation. Much like everyone’s Irish on <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/03/156-st-patricks-day.html">#156 St. Patrick’s Day</a>, every girl’s ass looks fucking incredible in Yoga Pants. <br />
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When the fuck did Yoga get so fucking popular anyways? I feel like it was just a couple years ago that it was just for crazy old ladies who probably held fucking wedding ceremonies for their cats. Somehow Yoga became as trendy as eating disorders among girls because now every girl in the World blows their entire fucking paycheck on some new Lululemon outfit. <br />
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<i>NOW, COME ON NYB, IT’S NOT JUST FOR GIRLS - YOU CAN MEET SOME QUALITY TAIL AT YOGA!!</i> Shut the fuck up. If you have to resort to sitting in the Downward Facing Dog in order to get laid, you are not a Bro. You’re barely even a man. Sure there’s a lot of fucking hot bitches that go to Yoga, but are you honestly going to tell me that they’re going to bang you just because you do Yoga, too? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH WORK THAT WOULD TAKE? First, you’d have to convince the girl that you are actually into banging Women. That might take like a fucking Month. Then, MAYBE, if she doesn’t still think of you as her Gay Yoga Friend, you MIGHT be able to lay some fucking pipe. But, yeah, have fun with that shit – I’ll be nailing the Slam Piece that just bought me drinks all night at the bar. Bros don’t do work, but that’s beside the fucking point – just because bros hate Yoga, it doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy its’ spoils.<br />
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Yoga pants are the Wonderbra for the ass. While the original 80’s spandex was good at compressing girls’ legs completely so they basically don’t have any circulation, Yoga Pants shape that shit into the entire perfect ass/leg combo package. It’s seriously some fucking David Blaine shit. Honestly, how far are we away from it being socially acceptable for girls to go out to bars in Yoga Pants? I fucking guarantee they want to do that shit and Bros would fucking love it, too, so it’s obvious the only thing stopping that shit is the Bro-Hater society.<br />
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There’s always a catch, though. There’s a reason the Wonderbra is considered the Anne Sullivan of lingerie. There’s nothing worse than un-strapping that shit expecting to see a perfect rack of titters only to find a set of pancakes that even fucking Paul Bunyan wouldn’t touch. The same holds true for Yoga Pants, but it’s even worse. Yeah that ass looks fucking perfect now, but what the fuck is it hiding? Stretch marks? Cellulite?? Thunder Thighs??? Gross. The possibilities are fucking terrifying. Regardless, much like judging any Girl based on her appearance, the true beauty is on the outside.<br />
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While a True Bro wouldn’t be fucking caught dead “having a sweat” during a 6am Hot Yoga session, we’re an optimistic bunch. We realize Yoga serves as a higher calling for the Slam Piece participants. Every stretch they take brings them one stop closer to their final destination. The Pound Town Express may have an exclusive dress code, but one thing’s for certain – Yoga Pants are encouraged.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother"><span style="font-size: large;">Friend Me on Facebook </span></a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-57716646706560836542012-03-15T12:46:00.000-04:002012-03-15T12:46:02.974-04:00#197 Playing GolfBros have no equal. We’re the best there is and that’s a fact. However, for some reason growing up, teachers, parents, and all those bullshit PBS shows always tried to tell us we’re the same as everyone else. I mean, honestly, give me a fucking break. If those poor kids that got into my private <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/03/111-high-school.html">#111 High School</a> on some bullshit need based scholarship were actually as good as I am, wouldn’t you think their parents could actually make enough money to, you know, AFFORD to send them to private school? Thank God there are still ways that we as Bros can prove that we’re superior to everyone else. While, due to Brocism, most competitions are now on an even playing field so that Bros no longer dominate, there are still a few games out there that belong to us. While <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/06/171-lacrosse.html">#171 Lacrosse</a> may indeed be the true Bro pastime, everyone knows Bros fucking love playing Golf.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>Bros have been playing Golf since the first day they could walk. You know who doesn’t play Golf? That’s right, fucking poor people. And it’s not because they don’t like it, it’s because they can’t afford it. Golf, like being a Bro, is for the fucking social elite. I mean, honestly, how many people do you know that weren’t members of Country Clubs growing up? Don’t even try to say that playing some municipal course is the same thing. Saying you grew up playing Golf on a public course is the equivalent to saying you’re banging a model, only to have her turn out to be some plus sized bitch from “Round and Mounds” magazine. <br />
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Sure, we know how to play Golf well, in fact, we could probably beat the shit out of any <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/11/143-hating-womens-sports.html">#143 female pro golfer</a> out there, but we don’t fucking feel like it. Instead, when Bros play Golf, we don’t take that shit seriously. We hit the course like we’re 4 year olds at a motherfucking Chuck E. Cheese birthday party. Sure Golfing is supposed to be some fucking boring Old Man’s game, but for bros, it’s really just an excuse to get fucking wasted and cause destruction. <br />
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Bros don’t just have a beer at the turn (that means after the first 9 holes for all you fucking losers out there) – Bros fucking <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/11/142-blacking-out.html">#142 black out</a> by the 4th hole. After getting blacked out, we immediately lose interest in the game once we remember how much fucking fun it is to use Golf Carts as weapons. Playing Demolition Derby with golf carts until the Ranger threatens to call the <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2012/02/195-hating-police.html">#195 Police</a> is about as Bro as it fucking gets. <em>BUT NYB!!! WON’T YOU GET CHARGED FOR THE DAMAGE!?!?!</em> Shut the fuck up bitch, everyone knows the foreigners working at the Cart Barn get blamed and charged for all that shit. That’s why they get paid less than Americans. <br />
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Perhaps the greatest invention in the history of Golf is the Drink Cart Slut. I don’t know who the man was that decided the hottest girl on staff would ride around the course serving guys alcohol, but one thing’s for sure, he was a fucking Bro King. While all the fucking old men throw cash at the Cart Slut just so she’ll flirt with them for a couple minutes, the only tip a Bro needs to give her is at the end of our fucking dicks. You see, it’s just not fucking fair. Once that oversized cart packed with booze sees a foursome of Bros it screeches to a halt. It’s arrived at its final destination: Pound Town.<br />
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As the Winter turns to Spring, the warm weather will inspire Bros across the country to hit their local Country Club for a round. But when you’re out there this season, don’t let some fucking Ranger making $7.50/hour tell you to fucking “observe course etiquette.” You’re a Bro playing Golf – if you can’t get as fucked up as humanly possible and destroy a shitload of property then the terrorists will win. <br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-64880601505118060442012-03-01T12:50:00.003-05:002012-03-02T12:09:35.872-05:00#196 Calling Girls FatWhy the fuck weren’t you invited to this party? Sure, the last time you were here one of your bros got fucking wasted and took a dump in their shower, but it’s not like they could prove it was you. Fucking Brocists. You can see some of the members of the house giving you the eye, but you’re fucking bigger than them. Plus they’re fucking pussies, so they’re not gonna start shit. As you and your bros start laughing about how some fucking loser had to clean up your bro’s shit last time, you feel a tug at your sleeve. You dart your neck around expecting to see some hot slut chomping at the bit to give you a <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/12/145-blow-jobs.html">#145 BJ</a> outside next to the trash cans, but there’s no one to be seen. <br />
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“AHEM,” calls the voice from directly below you. She’s like 4’11’’ and shaped like the fucking Pillsbury Dough Boy.<br />
<a name='more'></a>“What the fuck do you want?” you inquire.<br />
“YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS NEED TO LEAVE, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME.”<br />
She fucked with the wrong bull.<br />
“HOLY SHIT,” you cry out, “THIS FUCKING BEAN BAG CHAIR CAN TALK!!”<br />
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As you and your friends take turns pretending to sit on her and asking questions like, “Do you use duct tape when you get cuts?” and “So do you just shit out regular sized bean bags?” she tries to play it off like it’s no big deal.<br />
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“I don’t even get it – are you making fun of my outfit?? It’s not working so maybe you should just leave!!”<br />
Time to shift to overdrive.<br />
“So, I’ve just got to ask – what’s it like being a “before” model for weight loss companies??“<br />
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Just like that, that Rolly Polly bitch is gone and you’re ready to fucking party – all thanks to the fact that you’re a Bro and you love calling girls fat.<br />
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Sure, it’s a fucking cliché to just call girls fat, but clichés are popular because they’re fucking effective. <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/09/133-hating-feminists.html">#133 Feminists</a> constantly claim that the media is always promoting this “unattainable body image” to girls, which is unhealthy, and shit, but fucking come on. If perfect bodies are so unattainable, how the fuck do so many <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/12/95-models.html">#95 models</a> attain them? Any girl who has shit against a healthy, gorgeous look, like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars for example, is just jealous and probably fucking fat as shit. <br />
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Bros are humanitarians – we’re always working for a better World, so when we call girls fat, we’re not only helping them, but EVERYONE that has to look at them. It’s really a win-win. You see, by making fun of girls who are fat, we give them what Bro-Hater society spins as a “Self Esteem Problem,” but truthfullly, it’s just “Extra Motivation.” I mean, honestly, if some fucking fatty went parading around the beach in some thong <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/07/128-bikinis.html">#128 bikini</a>, the ocean would LITERALLY be poisoned by everyone’s vomit. Think of all the fucking creatures in the sea that would die! PETA supporters just can’t fucking have it both ways. <br />
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There’s way too many so-called “nice” people out there who would rather “spare feelings” than actually help others. So instead, they let these escaped “Shamu and Friends” performers go out in skintight outfits with fat rolls bubbled up like the fucking Michelin Man. This shit needs to end, and thank God Bros are there to lend a helping hand. By pointing out to these delusional souls that their appearance would require an entire prescription of Levitra just to bang them, they turn their lives around. They hit the gym hard, eat little to nothing, and overall they just GET BETTER! <br />
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Sometimes, we get a pretty bad rap. People call us <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2012/01/191-being-assholes.html">#191 assholes</a>, douche bags, even the “worst people in the World.” But you know who else got called all those names (probably) – Dr. Martin Luther King. And I REFUSE to stand here while you desecrate such an incredible man. Yes, I too have a dream that one day girls will not judged by their rolls of fat, but by how nice their ass looks in their size 1 jeans. I have a dream that one day Bros will be able to get wasted and not have to worry if the girl they’re about to bang is hiding a FUPA. I have a dream that one day Bros will be able to rise together and shout, “Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty, Bros are free at last!”<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-58183778042212683682012-02-23T12:00:00.003-05:002012-02-23T12:10:28.304-05:00#195 Hating PoliceBros fucking love Gangster Rap. But it’s not because we grew up in the fucking hood slinging rock on Crenshaw Boulevard - it’s because we are the Gangster Rappers. Every rap song ever written is about three things: <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/04/1-talking-about-how-wasted-they-got-on.html">#1 Getting fucked up</a>, banging slam pieces, and talking about how <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/09/135-being-rich.html">#135 fucking loaded</a> they are. Sound familiar? Only difference is we don’t have like a million kids running around, but that’s just because we’ve discovered ways to get girls <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/06/24-birth-control-not-involving-condoms.html">#24 unpregnant</a>. <br />
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<a name='more'></a>It might shock you to learn this, but in addition to Brocism, some might argue there’s another epidemic out there nearly equal to our cause: Racism. Much like rappers can’t even roll down the street without getting pulled over on some bullshit charge like “Unlicensed Automatic Weapon,” we get put away for “Drunk in Public.” It’s fucking hard out here for a Bro, but it's encouraging to know that we’re not alone. So who are we to blame for these injustices? If something smells like bacon, there’s a reason – I’m about to fry up some fucking Pigs. Bros fucking hate the Police.<br />
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Now, I’m not a fucking idiot. I know we need Police to catch Murderers and Rapists - that’s fucking fine. What I’m not fine with is when this so-called “Police Work” ends up fucking over Bros. Police are the most offensive Bro-Haters on the fucking planet. Outside of the Bunk, McNulty and that Black guy from the "Police Academy" movies that made all those fucking noises with his mouth, there’s never been a Bro in the force. Here’s a couple facts about Cops that the fucking media seems to leave out of their news reports.<br />
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<b>High School Drop Outs</b> – You know who’s dream it is to be a Cop someday? Fucking no one. Everyone grows up dreaming to be a Doctor or Firemen, not a fucking Cop. Personally I always dreamed of drunkenly banging a shitload of bitches that I’ll never fucking talk to again, so no one can ever tell me dreams don’t come true. Anyways, nobody goes to College to be a Police Officer, so anytime some fucking Cop pulls you over for pretending the highway is the Richmond International Speedway, remember to ask him how old he was when his parents realized he was just dumb instead of actually retarded. Oh, I’m sorry, you didn’t go to College because it was too expensive? So basically your Dad’s a fucking loser, too? God, for the sake of the human race just get your fucking tubes tied, we don’t need any more retarded kids sucking up our tax dollars. <br />
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<b>Power Trip</b> – So congratu-fucking-lations, you actually passed your GED and somehow got into the Police Force. Luckily for you, all those girls that wouldn’t give you the time of day back in <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/03/111-high-school.html">#111 High School</a> because they were too busy banging Bros now HAVE to pay attention to every thing you say. Not only that, but you get a gun AND a uniform. Wow, you’ve really made it big. NEWSFLASH: If girls really loved a man in uniform, Janitors would be constantly fucking on piles of trash. Fucking get over yourself. <br />
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The only reason Cops ever have guns in small College towns is so they can artificially inflate their 2 inch dick. Last time I checked you don’t need a fucking weapon to write a ticket for an open container. And don’t even get me started on the “Campus Police,” whose entire existence is based on making sure College Students don’t drink. I would honestly rather have a job beating off Zebras on camera for some sick fetish porn than that shit. And we’re supposed to show them fucking respect? Respect for what? A glorified lamppost? What’s the matter Skippy, couldn’t cut it in the Police Academy? Reading too hard? Get a fucking real job where you can actually look yourself in the mirror rather than dust off your plastic badge every morning for a long day of telling kids to use the fucking crosswalk. <br />
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“Fuck The Police.” Bros didn’t invent that shit, but you better fucking believe we live by it. Yeah we’ve got a fucking problem with authority, but that’s only because we’re the best, and no one has the fucking right to tell us what to do. These Brocist are fucking everywhere, and the most disturbing part of it all? We pay their fucking salaries. Makes me sick.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-44368769187142795112012-02-16T12:30:00.001-05:002012-02-16T12:42:33.857-05:00#194 The Swimsuit IssueSports are fucking amazing. They give us highs. They give us lows. They give us heroes like the Yellow Mamba. And they even give us fucking losers like Andray Blatche who we can basically just <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/12/97-taking-dumps-in-places-that-arent.html">#97 shit upon</a>. For years, we’ve gotten much of our <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/08/129-talking-about-sports.html">#129 Sports knowledge</a> from a magazine - Sports Illustrated. But, in today’s World of instant information, why does this magazine actually still exist? The reason arrived in our mailboxes just last week as Kate Upton’s rack that would make a fucking cow jealous sent every guy in America from 6 to midnight: the Mother Fucking Swimsuit Issue.<br />
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Why the fuck do we care about the Swimsuit issue? I mean, the World’s at a point where we can literally watch porn on our phones in the middle of class or work and get away with it, but when some magazine comes out with mostly clothed models we get all excited that we can see the fucking outline of a<a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/04/now-i-know-what-all-you-bras-out-there.html"> #5 nipple</a>? Shit just doesn’t add up. So why do we give a shit? Let’s take a look.<br />
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<b>The Original</b> –Hugh Hefner and whoever the fuck created the Swimsuit issue were true Bro Pioneers. They understood that Bros fucking loved seeing hot naked or nearly naked chicks, and the fucking Bro-Hater that is society despised that shit. In the classic battle of good and evil, good clearly won. How do you think that initial pitch went? <br />
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“Uhh, you know, people like the beach, and you know swimming is kind of a Sport, so we should get bitches in bathing suits!” <br />
(Heads nodding furiously in agreement) <br />
“I’VE HEARD ENOUGH – APPROVED!!” <br />
Just a great moment in Bro History. <br />
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<b>Gradually Less Clothing</b> – Much like every new TV is constantly equipped with some new upgrade to the point that eventually we’re gonna be inside the television like that little fucking spoiled brat in that child molester Willy Wonka’s factory, every year the SI Swimsuit issue takes it to the next level. I always fucking hate when girls claim shit like “no one would EVER wear a bathing suit like that.” Yeah fucking right, that’s basically just girl code for “I’m fat as shit and will probably die while feeding my cats.” Incredibly, we’re getting to a stage where the bathing suit itself isn’t even a part of the layout. Whoever created the idea of spray-painted bikinis deserves a fucking Nobel Prize in Boners. Can you even IMAGINE where the issue will be in 10 years? “Order your 2022 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue now and we’ll throw in a banging sesh with Kate Upton!” Yeah right, she’ll be like 29 at that point aka 72 in girl years. That’s just fucking gross. <br />
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<b>Athletes in Bikinis</b> – Now when I first heard of the idea to have <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/11/143-hating-womens-sports.html">#143 female athletes</a> in their bikinis I pictured Lindsay Davenport stuffed into a bikini meant for an actually woman, you know someone less than like 115 pounds, so I did what anyone in their right mind would do: I threw up in my mouth. However, once again, SI’s vision was incredible – instead of celebrating the “best” women’s athletes, they promote the ones everyone really wants to see: the hottest. Admittedly onetime they did have some bullshit Steffi Graf spread, which I originally thought was some sort of sick Horse Racing fetish piece, but come on, everyone makes mistakes, just ask Lamar Odom. The point is we’re not forced to see fucking Brittney Griner’s Abominable Snowman torso draped in gold paint. They set a standard and believe it or not, it actually promotes female athletics. Seriously, don’t fucking tell me it’s “degrading” to female athletes to have the hottest ones posing in swimsuits. Personally, I’d rather be caught dead than watching a Female sporting event, but would I watch one where I’ve seen one of the hot participants naked? Still no fucking chance in hell, but definitely a little more likely! <br />
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Ever since the days we used to rip out the trading cards from SI for Kids at the public library and try to sell them for money, Sports Illustrated has been a big part of our lives. Sure we could just read about tenured reporters sucking off Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin online, and sure we could even see Brooklyn Decker spread eagle on the beach on our phones, but there’s just something special about that magazine. It’s the tradition. It’s the honor. It’s the Swimsuit Issue.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-55526087251510089312012-02-09T12:20:00.002-05:002012-02-09T13:30:58.734-05:00#193 The Stride of PrideYour head is pounding and you’ve got no fucking clue where you are. There’s some bitch lying next to you and judging from the fact that you’re naked, you’re pretty confident you banged last night. Who the fuck is this chick? She’s definitely not from your Slam Piece Rolodex. She seems pretty passed out so you grab her purse and try to find an ID so you can show your bros pictures of her on facebook. NICE!! $40 IN CASH! She won’t miss this. Besides, that’s a pretty good deal for the best sex of her fucking life. Now it’s time to get the fuck out of here. <br />
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<a name='more'></a>You try to get dressed until it hits you: FUCK - you were at a <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/03/112-theme-parties.html">“#112 Anything but Clothes”</a> party last night. Your costume? A shitload of saran wrap that made you look like one of Dexter’s victims. It’s ripped to shreds now thanks to fucking Sleeping Beauty over there. Luckily for you, you’re the fucking Bro MacGruber, so you grab some pins from her dresser, snatch her bathroom mat and Voila – you’re ready to hit the bricks. While some people might be embarrassed to walk by her neighbors out for their morning stroll wearing nothing but an oversized diaper, you don’t give a fuck. After all, last night you lived the American dream - you had sex with a stranger when your mind wasn’t even fucking working. Why would you EVER consider a walk like that shameful? Fuck that – you’re a fucking Bro, and you Stride with Pride.<br />
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Bros don’t even know what the word “shame” means. What would bros ever be sorry for? Being fucking awesome? Fuck that. The only time Bros ever regret banging a Slam Piece is when she looks she appeared after rolling a 5 in Jumanji. But even then, it’s not like all the fucking old people out walking their dogs/counting down the days until they die can tell you went Whale Spearing last night, so why would we be embarrassed about it?<br />
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Now I understand that girls still refer to their trudge across campus/their post-graduate city in their cocktail dresses and Fuck Me Boots as a Walk of Shame, but that’s acceptable. After all, it’s pretty shameful to be a fucking Whore. You pretty much deserve all the stares and children’s eyes getting covered that you get. Bros on the other hand treat these walks like a fucking ticker tape parade. You’ll never see a Bro more confident than after a night of blatantly disobeying everything he learned in Catholic School because some slut liked the way he <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/06/29-grinding.html">#29 grinded</a>. <br />
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So who are these fucking people trying to make our prideful stride into a shameful act? Fucking Bro-Haters that’s who. Have you ever seen the people out on a Saturday morning? How the fuck are they up so early? Oh, that’s right, they didn’t go out on Friday night to get wasted probably because they’re losers and don’t have any friends. What the fuck do people who don’t drink even do on the weekends? Honestly, what’s the point of living if you can’t get <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/11/142-blacking-out.html">#142 blacked out</a> with all your Bros then bang some girl whose name you don’t even know? Clearly they’ve realized their lives are meaningless so they get all fucking jealous and decide that just because we’re walking past their family in nothing but a strategically placed Coon-skin cap, that WE’RE the one’s who should be embarrassed. Fuck that. NEWSFLASH: your kids and wife don’t count as “friends.” Just admit you’re a fucking loser and get out of my face. Oh, and enjoy never having sex with the one vagina you married for the rest of your life.<br />
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Bros are like Athletes – we always prefer to play on our home turf, but sometimes we’ve got to take our talents on the road. Do we ever fucking lose on the road? Fuck no. We never fucking lose period. So why would we EVER be shameful of our performance? As Bros emerge from the threshold of our slayings, we don’t pray that no one sees us and scurry home to wash the sex off our bodies. We stand tall, with our heads held high. We dominated last night, so you better fucking believe we’re gonna Stride with Pride.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-54894384384032242832012-02-02T12:09:00.003-05:002012-02-02T15:04:35.930-05:00#192 PranksNobody fucks with Bros. I mean, sure they fucking try, but it’s pretty much just a death wish. If any Bro-Hater ever fucks with me or my Bros, you better believe there’s gonna be a fucking war. Now, even though we’ve seen every episode of <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/09/73-wire.html">#73 The Wire</a>, that doesn’t mean wars entail “tooling up” or fucking beating the shit out of some Hoppers on the corner with baseball bats. Fuck that – we’re not trying to “catch a body like that” as hardcore gangster rapper/Degrassi High alumnus Drake once said. Instead, we hit those motherfuckers where it hurts. We prank the shit out of them. <br />
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<a name='more'></a>If you just said to yourself, “Oh, pranks! Just like Punk’d!” Go fuck yourself. No seriously, go have sex with yourself right now, because that’s honestly the best you’re ever going to fucking do, so you might as well settle right now rather than get your heart broken by Swamp Thing-like creatures for the rest of your life. Anyone that thinks Ashton Kutchar and Punk’d is what being a Bro is all about needs to take a long look in the mirror. What was the last thing Kutchar did that made him a fucking bro? Knowing what Bruce Willis’s dick tastes like? Stabbing one of the greatest <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/02/150-charlie-sheen.html">#150 Bro Kings</a> of our time in the fucking back and taking his job? Fucking take your trucker hats to your next fucking Rom-Com set and leave the pranking to the professionals. Anyways, here’s a couple characteristics of any solid Bro Prank:<br />
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<b>Destructive</b>: When Bros play pranks, shit gets fucking destroyed. We don’t play “fun pranks” where we convince the Prankee that today’s Tuesday instead of Wednesday or hide their pens or some shit. We make them wish they’d never been born. I always love the look on some little bitch’s face when he finds out that I <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/06/33-playing-with-fire.html">#33 burned</a> all his shit as a prank. Sure, in some parts of country it could technically be considered arson, but not if it’s a prank! I mean, come on, it’s not like I’m burning crosses in his yard for representing Carl Lee Hailey. Besides, my Dad’s a lawyer so I’ve got fucking immunity. <br />
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<b>Always Get the Upper Hand:</b> While bros are typically the instigator in pranks, every once in a while people get all delusional and shit and think they can actually beat Bros at the art of Pranking. It never turns out well. You see, no matter what CRAZY prank those bitches pull, you better fucking believe Bros are coming back harder and stronger. <br />
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Back in College some girls thought they could fucking beat us. They thought wrong. First they put a flaming bag of dog shit on our front porch, so we took the next logical step and spray painted “FUCK YOU WHORES” on their front door for the entire neighborhood to see. For some reason this didn’t stop them. Instead they decided to drive around for like 2 fucking hours to find some dead Opossum on the side of the road and put it on our Grill. This is where we drew the line and took shit to the next level. We broke into their house, smashed their fucking bunk beds, spray painted “SWEET DREAMS SLUTS” on their mattresses, unloaded an entire stolen Fire Extinguisher in their living room, and just so they knew who did it, we spread that fucking Opossum’s guts all over their flat screen TV. Needless to say, they surrendered and we fucking won. Bros always fucking win.<br />
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Bros are like America. You fuck with any of our shit, you better believe your entire life is going to get fucked up. Bros refuse to just roll over and take your shit, so I’d fucking advise you not to even think about bringing it. But, if for some fucking reason you decide to prank a bro, just remember one thing: You come at the Bro King, you best not miss<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-75711838942495573412012-01-19T13:44:00.001-05:002012-01-19T14:19:23.732-05:00#191 Being AssholesWhat the fuck happened last night? The last thing you remember from the bar is getting paid 10 dollars and a Slim Jim to <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/12/97-taking-dumps-in-places-that-arent.html">#97 take a dump</a> on the Women’s bathroom floor. You vaguely remember some girl screaming at you to stop, but you just gave her the fucking finger and kept reading some ESPN article on your iPhone. Just as you’re nodding your head thinking you couldn’t possibly get any more amazing, you see it. There’s a fucking girl in your bed. Who the fuck is that? You check your phone and find you sent out a mass <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/06/122-texting.html">#122 text</a> at 2am: “What arre yoju up to?” with only one response from a girl that apparently goes by the <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/06/28-giving-girls-nicknames.html">#28 name</a>, “Wendy’s Slut (fat).” Oh fuck, you went Dumpster Diving. Under normal circumstances, you’d be fucking pumped at banging with some girl when you had a BAC that would legally classify you as dead in 5 states, but this girl isn’t anything to celebrate – she’s fucking busted. And not “would only do her after 5 beers busted,” I’m talking fucking Ursula from “Little Mermaid” aka the “Khloe Kardashian of the Sea” busted. She needs to fucking go. <br />
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“GOOOD MORNING!!” she screams. Oh God, she talks just like fat girls text. <br />
“Oh hey…you, I think it’s time for you to go.”<br />
“Well, do you want to get breakfast?” <br />
Clearly this fucking behemoth isn’t responding to reason, so it’s time unleash the fucking hounds: “Honestly, breakfast should be the last thing on your mind. If stretch marks told your age like rings do on a tree trunk, I’d say you’re pushing 175. Besides, I need you the fuck out of here so I can go see if Petsmart sells rape kits, because I’m pretty sure I just got sexually assaulted by a fucking Hippo.”<br />
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Boom. <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/07/44-making-girls-cry.html">#44 Water Works</a>. Just like that she’s out of your life forever. How did that happen so quick? Because you’re a Bro, and you fucking love being an Asshole.<br />
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Somehow, over time, Bros and Assholes have become synonymous. For years Brocists screamed this hateful speech at us and we’ve done nothing. Until now. I propose that we as Bros fucking embrace that shit. Fact: Society can’t handle how fucking incredible we are so they just lump us in to all the fucking non-Bro “Asshole” trash, but they’ve got it all wrong. We’re not Assholes because we’re terrible people, we’re Assholes because it’s fucking awesome.<br />
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You know how girls always fucking complain about how they want to meet a nice guy instead of the typical Asshole? Well you know why that shit happens? Because girls fucking love Assholes. Everyone fucking knows Bros don’t take girls out on dates, or show up to their door with flowers or god forbid “spend time” with them when we‘re sober. We bang those bitches then never fucking talk to them again. But somehow, even though we aren’t the sweet guy of their dreams, they still fucking text us at like 3 am looking for another late night ride to Pound Town. <br />
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While it’s easy to be Assholes to girls, it’s even more rewarding to be one in your everyday life. The most important component to being an Asshole is letting everyone and their fucking mother know that you’re better than them in every fucking way, which shouldn’t be hard, because, come on, we’re Bros, by definition the greatest people on the fucking planet. There’s no better rush than letting staff at hotels and restaurants know the clothes on your back are more important than their lives. If some fucking immigrant is legitimately questioning if his life is worth more than a Northface jacket, then you my friend have done your job as a Bro.<br />
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Everyone faces adversity. It’s how we handle this adversity that will forever determine who we are. I stand here before you Bros and suggest we refuse to take these Brocist slurs lying down. Instead, much like the most respected members of the Black community (rappers) embraced racist slurs and transformed them into Source Award winning lyrics, we too should adopt the hateful Brocist term “Asshole.” So, fuck all you Brocists calling us Assholes – that’s our word.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-302635331238679712012-01-12T12:04:00.004-05:002012-01-19T14:19:02.746-05:00#190 Snow DaysI can’t believe this shit is almost over. It seriously feels like football just fucking started. As amazing as the buildup and ultimate shit show that is <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/02/104-super-bowl-sunday.html">#104 Super Bowl Sunday</a> will be, the completion of the NFL season leads to one of the worst stretches of the year where the closest thing we have to sports “entertainment” is Kenny Smith arguing with himself about whether Ernie Johnson or Charles Barkley look better in a fucking photo-shopped sombrero and mustache. Even worse, it’s almost as if hot Slam Pieces are fucking allergic to cold, since they’re nowhere to be found. Sure, it’s true that most Slam Pieces fly South of Bros’ belts for Winter, but still, it’s not like the fucking Summertime lay-up line. So, over the next couple months, with football and slam pieces (for the most part) out of the picture, what the fuck is there to look forward to? Why the fuck should we even drag ourselves out of bed? Because Winter means one thing: mother fucking Snow Days.<br />
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Ever since we were young Bros-in-Training, snow has meant one thing: fun. While the definition of that fun might have changed over the years from playing video games all day to getting a <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/12/145-blow-jobs.html">#145 BJ</a> while <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/11/142-blacking-out.html">#142 blacked out</a> from some stranger you met at the bar, the point is, we’re still living it up. Bros aren’t like the rest of Bro-Hater society who see snow as another reason to complain just so people will listen to them since they’re probably losers whose only companions, their cats, probably fucking hate them too. <br />
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I live in DC, so here, anytime there’s even a mention of snow, people act like there’s some Ebola outbreak and the only fucking antidote is a three-year supply of Milk, Bread, and toilet paper. Every grocery store the night before a “light dusting” is like fucking New Orleans during Katrina. I keep waiting for some old White lady in a wheel chair to draw a fucking glock and scream out, “WHAT?? WHAT?? YOU GONNA STEP TO THIS?? THEM’S MY MOTHERFUCKING APPLE JACKS BITCH.” Unlike the rest of society, Bros are sophisticated, so instead of panicking, we know how to have a good time on a snow day.<br />
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<b>Take off School/Work</b> – While <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/03/111-high-school.html">#111 High School</a> bros might be at the mercy of the some fucking School Administrator playing God deciding if they have to go to class, College and Working Bros don’t have to deal with that shit. In College, the minute it started snowing, I immediately decided it was a fucking Snow Day, no matter if School was closed or not. Sure all I had to do was roll out of bed and cross the street for class, but you just can’t be too cautious! Besides, I never fucking went to class anyways, this just gave me an excuse so I didn’t have that split second of guilt that I was flushing my parents’ money down the toilet. “BUT NYB! ONCE YOU START WORKING SNOW DAYS ARE OVER!!” Fucking please. Save your fairy tales for the window lickers on the short bus. Anytime there’s ANY sort of snow-like precipitation I immediately call my boss and tell him, “Listen, you KNOW I’d sacrifice my life for this company, but I’m just terrified at endangering the lives of others in this nasty weather.” Boom: Motherfucking Snow Day. <br />
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<b>Get Wasted -</b> The first snowflake for a Bro is like the dinner bell for Pavlov’s dogs – only difference is we chug our fucking meals. No matter where they are or what the fuck they’re doing, Bros drop that shit so they can go get fucking hammered. Snow days are fucking celebrations. While everyone else is preparing for Nuclear Fucking Winter at the grocery store, you can pick out the Bro by his shopping cart filled with the bare essentials aka a shitload of Natty and cups for <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/04/6-beer-pong.html">#6 beer pong</a>. While cold weather might be the ultimate panty-freezer, snow causes even the most hibernated slam pieces to get loose. Getting some slam piece to march miles in a fucking blizzard just ride the Midnight Train to Pound Town is about as Bro as it fucking gets. <br />
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<b>Ruin Other People’s “Fun”</b> – Bros fucking love getting all sauced up and straight up destroying shit. There’s truly no better time to pull this shit off than on a Snow Day. While Bros are busy getting wasted, all the other fucking losers are outside playing in the snow. Back in College at William and Mary we used to get all drunk then head down to where all the loser nerds hung out in the Sunken Gardens. While they tried to make up for the fact they were social fucking retards by acting like they were in the 2nd grade and making snowmen, we would approach them. We acted all nice, even asking what their snowman’s name was (because these fucking nerds obviously gave them names). After we had them exactly where we wanted them, we fucking destroyed that shit. And not just the snow itself - if they had carrots, we’d break them in half – if that piece of shit snowman had a fucking top hat, it’d be ripped up. We basically abided by a strict “scorched Snow policy” - no fucking snowman would ever be built on that ground again. They would cry and call us assholes, but then we’d just tell them to go fuck themselves and pelt snowballs at their heads. That’s what those bitches got for being fucking different.<br />
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Every morning/afternoon that a Bro wakes up in the bitter cold of Winter, he has one thought on his mind: I can’t fucking wait until Summer. While Spring and Summer may very well be when Bros are in full bloom, who the fuck says we can’t be Bros today? Nothing has EVER stopped Bros from being Bros, so why should we let that bitch Mother Nature do it? Fuck that. Embrace the Cold. Get Wasted. Bang Strangers. Dominate the Snow Days. Be the Bro.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-22843300047674185272012-01-05T12:04:00.002-05:002012-01-05T12:11:07.802-05:00#189 Leading Girls OnBros, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: Girls love getting banged as much and maybe even more than we love doing the banging. So why do they act like they don’t? Fucking society. Society says if you submit to your biological urges and bang every Bro you see, you’re fucking unnatural. Now why the fuck did this happen? One word: Jealousy. All the fucking fat, ugly bitches who Bros obviously would never want to touch unless we’re AT LEAST 20 beers deep AND on a worse <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/10/78-slump-busters.html">#78 cold streak</a> than the Angels before that loser orphan kid started hallucinating and flapping his arms like some fucking retard decided they wouldn’t take this shit anymore. So they invented the word “Slut.”<br />
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Sure hot girls should have nothing to worry about from these girls, I mean they’re literally only a couple of boxes of Hot Pockets away from needing someone to use a fucking oar just to turn them over in bed, but these ugly bitches know something: these hot “sluts” are fucking insecure. So instead of just going out and banging whoever they want, hot girls make every possible attempt to try to “train” Bros into making a commitment, and since they have by definition a smaller brain, they delusively think they’re actually a step ahead. Little do they know, they don’t stand a fucking chance. Nobody fucking tells bros what to do. We call the fucking shots. Bros realize that every girl’s got an agenda, but we’ve got a fucking agenda, too. It’s called banging as many fucking slam pieces as fucking often as possible. So how do we break through society’s barrier to pussy entry? Easy – Bros fucking lead girls on.<br />
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Honestly, what fucking psychotic girl thinks she can actually “train” a bro to be a boyfriend or fucking husband? Bros are like Bulls – sure we can be mounted, but you’ll never fucking use us to take a trot down some fucking beach at sunset. So how do we keep the Slam Piece coming back for more even if the fucking Brocist society keeps telling them to stop? We just fucking lie to them. Since slam pieces are dumb as shit, they’ll usually believe anything you fucking say, so here’s a few great lines bros feed girls to lead them into thinking they’ve actually got a fucking shot with us.<br />
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<b>“I Don’t Want To Get Into A Long Distance Relationship” -</b> This is fucking clutch for all you second semester Seniors out there. Sure there’s like 3 months until graduation and getting into a relationship won’t mean you’re long distance at all, but come on – you’re a fucking second semester Senior. The only time in your life you’ll be banging more chicks is when you’re old as shit and enter a retirement home where all the old bitches bang like it’s their last day alive (which it probably is). This line works because it let’s the girl know you’re fucking serious enough about her that it COULD last until May. Meanwhile you pretty much plan on just banging her until you get bored and something slightly better comes along.<br />
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<b>“I Don’t Want To Get Hurt Again.”</b> – God that one’s fucking hilarious. Bros feelings might as well be fucking adamantium. Bros never get hurt - we do the fucking hurting! This shit will also make her think you’re “sensitive,” which is key because everyone fucking knows slam pieces love giving sensitive guys <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/12/145-blow-jobs.html">#145 blow jobs</a>.<br />
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<b>“I’m Just Way Too Busy Right Now For Anything Serious”</b> – Fucking classic. This goes kind of hand in hand with the whole, “Yeah, I gotta get up early in the morning” line after bros bang bitches and don’t want to fucking talk to them anymore. I mean, it’s not like we’re filling our days curing cancer and shit, we honestly just want to hang out with our Bros a lot more than we want to go to the fucking Bolshoi Ballet for <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/02/151-valentines-day.html">#151 Valentine’s Day</a>. This shit works like a fucking charm because girls can tell their judging friends that we’ve got “so much going on at work,” which reiterates the fact that we make a shitload of money, which in turn gets girls wet.<br />
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<b>“I Love You”</b> – This is a fucking last ditch effort at salvaging some quality late night slam piece. Most people think this is some fucking romantic phrase, but to be honest, I’m pretty positive it was invented by a Bro trying to get some girl to keep banging him on the fucking reg. For some reason, this phrase actually means some shit to girls, so if you drop “The L-Bomb” they see it as a big step in your relationship. Now, 99 times out of a 100 you’re gonna be hammered when you say this shit, so the next morning, before she inevitably starts soberly repeating the words back, just stare at her blankly and say the phrase that has rescued bros for millions of years: “Oh man, I fucking<a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/11/142-blacking-out.html"> #142 blacked the shit out</a> of last night.” Now that dumb bitch won’t know what to think! “OH MY GOD!!! DOES THE L-BOMB TECHNICALLY COUNT?? CAN I TELL MY JUDGING GIRLFRIENDS??” While her head’s fucking spinning, you’ve just bought yourself a couple extra weeks taking the late night ride to Pound Town.<br />
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Bropression is real. From an overnight lock up in the Drunk Tank to a lifetime incarceration in Marriage, there’s a new case of Brocism born every fucking day. But we’re Bros, we won’t just roll over and take this shit. We fight back with our superior intellect. We bang slam pieces repeatedly without falling into their traps. We fucking lead girls on.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-41288510026746375752011-12-22T11:39:00.001-05:002011-12-22T15:55:29.539-05:00#188 Christmas PartiesBros don’t need a reason to fucking party. We throw down non-stop all year long. But shockingly, since fucking “normal” people aka losers don’t have our perfect genetic makeup, they can’t hang 365 days a year, so instead they created a few days where even they have no excuse but to celebrate. They call them “Holidays.”<a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/12/99-new-years-eve.html"> #99 New Years Eve</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/10/86-halloween.html">#86 Halloween</a>, and even the made up Hallmark bullshit <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/02/151-valentines-day.html">#151 Valentine’s Day</a> definitely fit into this category, however the blowouts for all those holidays only last one day. There’s only special Holiday that last for an entire fucking month. It’s Christmas season, and that can mean only one thing, mother fucking Christmas Parties. <br />
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<a name='more'></a>Now if you’re reading this shit and saying, “UMMM THAT’S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT!!! IT SHOULD BE HOLIDAY PARTIES!!” Go fuck yourself. Seriously, I hope you get Dengue Fever and die. Pretending other holidays are equal to Christmas is like pretending Women are equal to Men. It’s just fucking horseshit. If Hanukah and Kwanzaa are so fucking great, then why aren’t there more holiday songs about them? Sure you’ve got “The Hanukah Song” by the guy who brought us the box office smash “Jack and Jill,” but after that what? “Dradle, Dradle, Dradle?” Do Jewish people actually play with their Dradles all day? Sounds fucking awesome, have fun with that while I’m checking out porn on my new iPad Christmas morning. <br />
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From Santa Claus to a shitload of presents to massive amounts of food, Christmas represents everything that makes America great. But sometimes, the true meaning of Christmas is forgotten: the parties. The entire month of December is a shitshow of celebration, so let’s take a look at the key destinations where Bros across the country have no problem using their Yule Log to spread holiday cheer all over some Slam Piece’s chest.<br />
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<b>Office Party</b> – For any bro that’s ever worked in an office, you fucking know this is the highlight of the year for all the beaten down men who fell victim to some fucking Bro Hater’s ultimatum and <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/09/178-not-getting-married-young.html">#178 got married</a>. Sure a couple bottles of liquor and some karaoke machine might seem lame, but this is all they fucking have. So what do bros do at these lame ass parties? We fucking take advantage. The office Christmas party might as well be Vegas for all the girls who work there, because in their mind and pretty much everyone else’s, what happens at the office party stays at the fucking office party. Girls who act like sluts at the office Christmas party are like guys who bang fat chicks when they know no one will find out – sure you’re not gonna be happy with yourself the next morning, but when it all boils down, no one’s gonna give you any shit about it.<br />
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<b>Family Party</b> – Sure it might sound boring as shit to have to hang out with your whole family and a bunch of their friends for hours on a Friday night, but what better way to treat these parties than as a fucking <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/06/35-pregaming.html">#35 pregame.</a> First step is to invite a shitload of your bros over, and not the nice ones that will actually talk to all the fucking adults, I’m talking the ones who get plastered and straight up <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/07/55-breaking-shit.html">#55 destroy shit</a>. Next step is the most important, that’s right get fucking hammered. I’m talking hammered to the point your Mom might start crying because she thinks you have a drinking problem hammered. At this point it’s pretty much target practice. Obviously you’re fucking <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/09/135-being-rich.html">#135 rich</a>, so your parents probably have at least one friend on his second or third marriage with some young Slam Piece with <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/09/69-fake-tits.html">#69 fake knockers</a>. Since she’s obviously only into him for his money, start making moves. After years of playing the role of Anna Nicole Smith to fucking Old Man Winter, you better fucking believe she’s gonna need a “CAUTION: WET FLOOR” sign underneath her once you start laying game. Challenge her to a shot contest or, better yet, ask her to join you on the dance floor. If you can get your parents’ friend’s trophy wife to <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/06/29-grinding.html">#29 grind</a> on you while “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” plays in the background, you might have it takes to be a Bro King.<br />
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<b>Friend Party</b> – Let’s be honest, Bros don’t give a fuck about decorations, planning shit, or pretty much anything involved in most Christmas parties, but you know who does? Girls. Therefore, 9 times out of 10, the Friend Christmas Party will be thrown by some fucking Slam Piece that two of your Bros have likely already banged. She’ll normally also spend at least 6 weeks preparing for this, so there’s clearly no better time to fuck shit up. I like to pregame for these events, you know, so I’m ready to start causing destruction immediately. I always complain about how fucking cheap she was with her alcohol brand purchase, then drink that shit fast so I can yell at her for not buying enough. If there’s mistletoe at that party, you better fucking believe I’m putting that shit on my belt and going around the party screaming at girls to “KISS MY DICK BITCH.” Smashing ornaments can also be a fun party game. Yelling out “FIRE IN THE HOLE!!” or “MAZELTOV” just before they fucking shatter lets everyone know you’re a Bro and you’re there to fucking party. Basically, if you can get the hostess of the party to<a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/07/44-making-girls-cry.html"> #44 cry</a>, you’ve fucking done your job as a Bro.<br />
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The Christmas season gives us time to celebrate not only all that we have, but also how fucking awesome we are. We give thanks and praise for all the <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/09/177-shots.html">#177 shots</a> we’ve taken, the nights we’ve <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/11/142-blacking-out.html">#142 blacked out</a> yet somehow still found our way home and most importantly, the girls we’ve banged. But perhaps the greatest aspect of Christmas Parties is that not only do we look back on all the amazing shit we’ve done, but we fucking top that shit. Merry Fucking Christmas, Bros.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-53334796554351784062011-12-15T12:15:00.002-05:002011-12-15T12:19:20.086-05:00#187 Derek JeterI fucking hated Derek Jeter. I still hate the Yankees. You see, one of the earliest Sports memories I have came in Jeter’s rookie year. Before the Nationals came to DC and I blindly switched my allegiance much like all those die-hard lifelong Ravens fans, I loved the Orioles. The O’s led game 1 of the ALCS in the bottom of the 8th when the scrawny Jeter poked a shot out to right field seemingly in the range of Tony Tarasco only to have some little piece of shit, Jeffrey Maier, basically fucking yank it out of his glove. As Jeter trotted around the bases celebrating the counterfeit home run that changed the Series, my indifference turned to venom. For the next 10-15 years I saw him as a pretty-boy-club-hopping-motherfucker who always said the right thing so he wouldn’t draw any controversy. But after recent events, I’ve changed my opinion. At some point in every Bro’s life he has to overlook personal vendettas and realize that rather than just spitting out hatred, it might be time to tip your cap and show some fucking respect. While Derek Jeter’s put up some impressive numbers on the diamond, undoubtedly earning him a spot in Cooperstown, it’s his stats off the field that have earned him the more prestigious claim: Bro King.<br />
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If you’re unfamiliar with the <a href="http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/jeter_booty_hauls_smU8lFebpsBGJXpyHoMKSN">recent events</a>, apparently ever since Jeter dumped that past her prime Lyla Garrity bitch over the summer, he’s been fucking slaying bitches left and right. I mean this has got to be expected, he’s the most iconic celebrity in the biggest city in the country, but it’s the way that he’s been doing it that’s really impressive. According to the source, who I pray to fucking God isn’t lying about this shit, he picks up these slam pieces at the club (I know there’s nothing Bro about going to a <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/07/45-hating-clubs.html">#45 Club</a>, but come on, it’s not like he can just roll up to “Off The Wagon” and play some beer pong or some shit) and always makes them enter his apartment through the back door so the paparazzi can’t see that shit and also so they don’t think they’re fucking special, because they’re not. Then, the next morning, when he’s done with his morning sesh, he calls them a car and the fucking generous guy that he is, gives them a goody bag of autographed baseballs, pictures, batting gloves and all kinds of other shit. How fucking amazing is that? Honestly, the only thing better would be if he would just sign their tits “Happy Gilmore” style, but I guess then they would have proof that he actually banged them, and he doesn’t want that shit spreading since they’re nothing more than fucking Club-trash. <br />
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My personal favorite is the allegation that he took the same girl home twice without even realizing it, then gave her autographed baseballs again. Now, I might be wrong, but Derek Jeter doesn’t strike me as a guy who <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/11/142-blacking-out.html">#142 blacks out</a> all the time, so this basically means he’s banging so many girls that he can’t even remember what they fucking look like. This, my friends, is what being a bro is all about. <br />
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And for all you fucking <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/09/133-hating-feminists.html">#133 Feminists</a> out there calling Jeter the words you made up in like 1981 such as “Womanizer,” “Chauvinist,” or worst of all “Man Whore” shut the fuck up. The entire city of New York has anointed him as “The Most Eligible Bachelor,” and you know what Bachelors do? That’s right, bang as many fucking slam pieces as possible. Honestly, Jeter goes above and beyond in his treatment of his Slam Pieces. Does he need to get these Club Creatures a fucking car? Does he need to give them some valuable parting gifts? Fuck no. They should be glad he doesn’t just throw a handful of nickels and a bus schedule on the ground after he’s finished with them and scream “TAKE A HIKE BITCH.” <br />
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It’s not like Jeter’s never lived by society’s fucking unnatural rules of monogamy either. But, like a true bro, he didn’t just settle down and marry some 7 so he could watch her pump out kids and get fatter by the fucking day. Derek Jeter’s got a Murderer’s Row of Slam Pieces who’ve slid their Donut around his Louisville Slugger. From Mariah Carey to Jessica Biel, he pretty much just has to point to a picture in a magazine and she’ll immediately start fucking <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/12/145-blow-jobs.html">#145 blowing him</a>. And his celebrity Slam Pieces' aren't like A-Rod's either, whose dick, judging by all the old bitches he bangs (Cameron Diaz, Madonna), is clearly trapped in 1993. Jeter’s a consummate professional, rising even above Bro God <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/04/113-tiger-woods.html">#113 Tiger Woods</a> with respect to the quality of his whores (I know, hard to beat a busted Perkins waitress or the star of “Shorty Iz Fuckin’ Yo Mama 2”) all the way to the apex of the Bro Kingdom.<br />
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Sometimes it’s tough to put down the gloves. We as bros are fucking programmed to stand up for what we believe in, and for years, that described my hatred for Derek Jeter. We’re better than that though. We’re bros aka the smartest people on the planet, and when we join together, we’re fucking unstoppable. So, even if you’re from Southie and fucking hate his guts, just remember this: he’s one of us. Mr. November? Try Mr. Brovember.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-78418722622010809992011-12-08T11:56:00.005-05:002011-12-08T14:45:41.777-05:00#186 Not Doing Volunteer WorkA Bro’s time is fucking valuable. Our schedules are so fucking packed that we end up sacrificing going to class or work in favor of much more important shit like getting fucking wasted, being <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/04/161-hangovers.html">#161 hungover</a> while <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/04/1-talking-about-how-wasted-they-got-on.html">#1 talking about how wasted we got</a>, then fucking talking about hungover we were. Throw in watching Sports and videos of people getting hurt on Youtube, and you’ve got yourself a full fucking week. And since we barely even have enough time to sleep or work, who in their right mind would think we’ve got enough time to do some pointless shit that you don’t even get paid for? Fucking idiots, that’s who. The only time a Bro’s ever associated with a Volunteer is when he lays a fucking hundo on the Tennessee money line. Bros fucking hate volunteering.<br />
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I always love when people list in their Facebook interests that they “love to volunteer!!!” Yeah fucking right, have you ever actually volunteered? It fucking sucks. Do you really think that people are actually benefiting from the volunteer work? Fuck no. 9 times out of 10 volunteers make the situation a lot worse than it was originally. Back in <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/03/111-high-school.html">#111 High School</a>, they forced us to do a shitload of volunteer work for graduation and one of the places we had to go was a state run retirement home, which was by far the scariest place I’ve ever fucking been to. Some old lady with one eye and a fucking 2 liter bottle of 7-Up kept following us around screaming out what must have been Voodoo curses. We kept trying to put trash cans and shit in her way, but she kept dodging that shit until some orderly stopped her. Anyways, we spent most of our time folding diaper clothes, but that ended up just being a good hour of trying to cover our bros’ faces with the skid marked diapers. Didn’t end up doing much folding, but still got the credit! And did it teach us that we should be better people or encourage us to actually do this shit in the future? FUCK NO – it taught us that old people are fucking disgusting and should be avoided at all costs.<br />
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Let’s get fucking real, why would anyone want to willingly be put into a situation where you’re doing the same thing that people in prison are forced to do. I mean, people running these services must be laughing to themselves behind the volunteers’ backs talking about how stupid they are for working cheaper than fucking prisoners. Bros are fucking logical so we don’t stoop to that level.<br />
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Worse than the holier-than-thou volunteers who pass out condoms and shit or pick up garbage by the side of the road, are the fucking wanna be <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/04/160-hating-socialites.html">#160 socialites</a>, whose LinkedIn job title is “Philanthropist.” I can’t begin to describe how many fucking charity balls go on in DC and although they are all admittedly for a good cause, there’s always that group of girls who gets fucking wet by organizing, publicizing, and getting their picture on some local gossip website squeezed into some dress that probably cost more than they’ve ever donated to charity. The entire premise of a charity ball isn’t to raise money for the needy, but so a few rich married women, with a shitload of time on their hands, because shocker, they’re fucking gold diggers and don’t have to work, can get their names in the paper. <br />
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I recently received an email from some slut from College entitled, “Donate your time to a great cause!!” Normally I just delete this shit, but for some reason I decided to open it, and I couldn’t believe what I saw: a fucking charity event for disabled ANIMALS. That’s right we’re currently living in a World where people are volunteering to make sure some fucking Chihuahua named "Tito" in Texas can get that miniature wheel chair he so desperately needs, yet the greatest injustice of all still reigns free. This shit needs to end. From here on out I pledge the only cause I’ll EVER volunteer my time to is for the World’s truly most neglected victims. Fuck disabled animals and fuck volunteering, but most importantly: Fuck Brocism.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-71321338589171021032011-12-01T11:59:00.007-05:002011-12-08T14:45:55.438-05:00#185 Hating BetchesIf I actually gave a shit, I might even feel sorry for them. Much like an STD, I thought that if I just ignored them, they’d fucking go away. It’s truly sad that it’s come to the point where I’m forced to actually address this group of fucking hacks, but I’ve really got no choice - something needs to be done. While bros have been around since the dawn of time, there’s this new group that’s been emerging in just the past couple months. Not only do they think they’re our equals – somehow, they think they’re actually fucking better than us. They’re fucking terrible. They’re fucking delusional. They’re a fucking menace to society. They’re the fucking Betches.<br />
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So what exactly is a Betch? Well, according to a website that blatantly rips this one off to the point where it’s teetering on the edge of fucking plagiarism, a Betch appears to be a female equivalent of a Bro. In fact, she enjoys many of the exact same things a Bro does, but in many cases just the exact opposite, you know, because they’re girls! Need some examples? How about <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/02/107-studying-abroad.html">Studying Abroad</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/10/81-birthdays.html">Birthdays</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/06/28-giving-girls-nicknames.html">(Giving Girls) Nicknames</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/09/75-not-going-on-dates.html">(Not) Going on Dates</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/01/148-hating-justin-bieber_19.html">(Hating) Justin Bieber</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/07/45-hating-clubs.html">(Hating) Clubbing</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/06/35-pregaming.html">Pregaming</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/03/108-spring-break.html">Spring Break</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/06/121-fighting.html">Fighting</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/05/118-hating-graduation.html">(Hating) Graduation</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/08/57-not-caring-about-environment.html">(Not Caring About) The Environment</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/08/61-vegas.html">Las Vegas</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/08/63-loving-america.html">(Loving) America</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/03/157-sexting.html">Sexting</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/06/24-birth-control-not-involving-condoms.html">Birth Control (Not Involving Condoms)</a>, <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/10/84-homecoming.html">Halloween</a>, and basically every other fucking post they have, except of course for their HILARIOUS sendups about Salad, Eyebrows, Froyo, Bottled Water, Diet Coke, Sushi etc. In fairness, those last few are just pure genius ideas I couldn’t even think about claiming as my own. But how did they get all these ideas and more importantly what inspired them to make an identical website to this one? Luckily another fucking shitty website decided they deserved to be interviewed for their brilliant and groundbreaking work and asked them!<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq"><b>BANGSTYLE:</b> What made you want to create the site?<br />
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<b>BETCHES:</b> Well, the site actually happened accidentally. We felt like a female voice was needed to counteract all this “bro” culture. You know, books like, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, and The Bro Manual.</blockquote><br />
ACCIDENTALLY!!! Purely an accident to create a website, originally titled “BetchesLoveThisSite.” Hmm, that’s such a distinct and original name, I really have NO FUCKING CLUE how they could ever come up with that. Admittedly, I took the entire format of this website from <a href="http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/">StuffWhitePeopleLike.com</a>, but it’s not like I straight up copied everything from that guy and made it into StuffWhitePeopleWhoAreGuysLove.com or some shit, then when interviewed about it replied, “Oh, you know, it was a total accident, I wanted to provide a voice for, you know, guys, not just Whites in general.” Fucking please. <br />
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<i>“BUT COME ON NYB, IT’S FLATTERY! THIS SITE IS JUST A SPIN OFF AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!”</i> Fair enough, let’s actually give them the benefit of the doubt and take a glance at their so-called original and clever writing in one of their “accidental” posts, Sexting:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">So it’s Sunday afternoon and you’ve just woken up, hungover as fuck and only moderately pleased to find that no one is sleeping next to you. After popping some advil, the next step is clear: look through your phone to see what kind of night you had.<br />
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After you get through the extensive and quite boring rounds of “where r u!?” “by bar nxt 2 hot guy w big adams apl where r u” you move on to the more interesting shit. That’s when you see it, your Sunday morning regret of the week. Fuck. You’ve gotten drunk and sexted.</blockquote>HMMMMM, that style of writing sounds familiar doesn’t it?!?!? I guess it’s just because it’s SOOO fucking similar to Tucker Max and “The Bro Manual” aka a book that doesn’t even exist. That MUST be it. It can’t be because I fucking write like that in pretty much EVERY FUCKING POST.<br />
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Sure, I’m probably coming off as bitter, but I’m not just defending my shit, I’m taking a fucking stand for Bros across the country. And it’s not like I’m just fucking pissed my work is getting copied for profit and notoriety, but they’re fucking stealing our souls in the process. The more girls that read all this shit proclaiming they’re fucking “in control” of Bros, the worse it is for America. Girls are reading that site today and thinking, “HOLY SHIT, this describes me exactly!!” But I’m fucking sorry girls, it doesn’t. Sure you went out, got wasted, and probably banged some random dude, but he’s not staring at his phone REALLY hoping you call him for a date or some shit. No matter what the fuck you want to call yourself, you’re still a fucking slam piece and he’ll always be a Bro.<br />
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It’s really sad that so many girls have fucking banded together to join this fucking “Betch” fantasy camp. I don’t blame girls for wanting to be Bros, I mean hey we all can dream. Fuck, I wanted to play in the NBA when I was like 8, but you know what, that shit’s not fucking happening. <br />
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The hilarious irony of all this shit is that girls are empowered by the fact that they’re these “Betches,” who supposedly think for themselves and don’t play by anyone’s rules, when all the while their entire existence is based on copying Bros. Fucking get your shit together, Betches. Why don’t you learn to fucking think for yourself or better yet, focus on an original and practical career that you didn’t fucking copy directly off a Bro and you might actually be good at, you know like “Homemaker.” Fucking hacks. <br />
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*Please note I did not mention the name of the offending website or link to it in the post, but if you’d like to visit it to see for yourself just Google, “Hack website written by girls who think they’re hot, but are most likely really fucking fat and ugly and will DEFINITELY be dying alone because cats don’t count.” Should be the first one! Enjoy!<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com73tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-40556723021460601262011-11-17T11:41:00.003-05:002011-12-08T14:46:10.045-05:00#184 The Turkey BowlThat’s what you call a fucking shitshow. It all started with you and your bros going out on #Wednesday night for the biggest fucking drinking night of the year. It was pretty depressing to see all the former hot girls from your <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/03/111-high-school.html">#111 High School</a> class who’re now fat as shit and/or pregnant. It’s hard to believe that girl you finger-blasted under the bleachers in gym class is fucking married. Do you think her husband knows about the time you guys “horsed around” in the Chem Lab safety shower? Whatever, at least you got to bang her when she was hot.<br />
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Anyways, Wednesday’s shitshow turned into you <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2009/07/48-throwing-up.html">#48 puking</a> your fucking brains out at your Grandmother’s apartment Thanksgiving morning. After that you invented the game “Drink everytime Jim Nantz sucks off Tony Romo,” so needless to say you blacked the fuck out. You woke up surrounded by half eaten pies, smashed decorative squash, and a fucking Cornucopia on your head. Your parents stacked up some cleaning supplies and a note, “I WANT IT GONE BY NOON!!” Fuck them. They can’t tell you what to do. Besides, you gotta fucking concentrate on the main event. All year long you’ve been waiting for this moment. You throw on some John Randle Eye Black, strap on some cleats, and start jumping up and down in front of the fucking mirror screaming Under Armor catch phrases. It’s time alright – time for the fucking Turkey Bowl.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>As time goes by, bros start to spread across the country and the sad part about this shit is that you end up rarely seeing them. It’s always fucking tough to get people together just to do what you do best: get fucking wasted and talk shit to one another. Thanksgiving weekend is the perfect time for this shit. Sure you’ve got Blackout Wednesday to get fucked up and see everyone from High School that you never wanted to talk to again, but after your quality <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/04/161-hangovers.html">#161 hungover</a> family time on Thanksgiving, the rest of the weekend should be spent with your bros. And, other than drinking until you puke, what better way to spend this time than trying to fucking hurt each other. <br />
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Turkey Bowls aren’t some pussy-ass-pick-up-two-hand-touch game where someone is counting out fucking “Mississippis” – they’re fucking war. If you’re not playing tackle, what the fuck are you doing? Avoiding injury? Fucking please, if you’re scared of breaking bones, why don’t you go sit in the fucking stands and talk about God knows what, probably tampon brands, with all the other girls. Besides, bones heal and slam pieces fucking love scars. <br />
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While the game itself is fucking fun, it doesn’t compare to the shit talk leading up to it. The last thing you want to do is lose and hear about it for the rest of the year. Bros don’t keep in touch by making fucking “phone dates to catch-up.” We send out Youtube videos of people getting hurt, pictures of girls we’ve banged, and most importantly, talk shit as much as fucking possible. To be honest, I don’t give a shit how my friends’ jobs are going. Fuck, I don’t even know what half my bros do, but I do know who’s the fucking bitch that gave up that bomb last year to lose the game, and he should too, because I remind that little bitch about it every fucking day.<br />
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Now, you don’t just roll up to the Turkey Bowl with fucking orange slices and choose sides. We set those rosters months in advance, so you can properly work up a solid fit of rage and hatred against your best friends. And we don’t all just “meet at the field at 3” like some fucking poor people. Last year, we had a limo bus transport our team together to the field to show solidarity. And to properly lead us onto the field of battle, we had two Redskins <a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2010/09/134-cheerleaders.html">#134 cheerleaders</a>. What’s that? Sounds like a waste of money? Sounds like you’re a fucking piece of shit bro-hater. Although they didn’t technically “cheer” and instead just stood on the sideline counting down the minutes until they were allowed to leave like some hooker getting paid by an obese man just to talk because he’s so lonely, they fucking inspired us. Sure I guess there could be other people who could have used that money, but I don’t give a fuck. Isn’t the point of Thanksgiving to be thankful for what you have? Our parents worked hard as shit to get rich so we could have EVERY advantage in life, especially professional cheerleaders at a Thanksgiving weekend friendly football game. If poor people REALLY need money so they can eat, then they should have gotten one of those free fucking turkeys everyone’s been handing out. Either that or, oh I don’t know, get a fucking job!<br />
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In this time of giving Thanks, we look back over the past year to the things we appreciate. From all the girls we’ve banged to that time we took 13<a href="http://www.broslikethissite.com/2011/09/177-shots.html"> #177 shots</a>, blacked the fuck out and miraculously didn’t end up in some ditch on the side of the road. But more than anything we give thanks for our bros. Tradition plays a major part in every bro’s life, and there’s no better tradition than blindsiding one of your best friends and dancing over top of him as he lies motionless on the ground, while screaming, “SIT DOWN WHEN YOU PEE, BITCH.” God I fucking love the Turkey Bowl.<br />
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<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/nedsyoungerbrother">Friend Me on Facebook </a></b>Ned's Younger Brotherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10782163509310807317noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6728973342074104437.post-61737477386255502802011-11-10T12:11:00.005-05:002011-12-08T14:46:21.884-05:00Joe Paterno and the Worst Scandal in Sports History<i>*I’ll be back to normal next week, but I really couldn't bring myself to write anything else and this is just some shit that needs to be said. I’m not trying to pile on Joe Paterno, just wanted to give the perspective from a guy with obviously low moral values about what I consider to be the worst scandal in sports history.</i><br />
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Penn State Football has been a part of my entire life. Growing up I had family in Pennsylvania who lived for Kerry Collins, Curtis Enis, and Lavar Arrington and when I graduated College I met a lot of great people in DC who would get together every Saturday morning in their White jerseys to cheer on Anthony Morelli, Derrick Williams, and Evan Royster. While the numbers changed on those Blue and White uniforms, there was always that same fixture in his trademark horned rimmed glasses and tie pacing the sideline and barking out orders: Joe Paterno. As the years went by and his interviews grew less and less about the X’s and O’s of football and more about how proud he was of his kids, it became apparent that Joe Paterno had transformed from the mastermind that led the Nittany Lions to those National Championships in the ’80 to a symbol for the University of tradition and doing things the right way. Unfortunately, over the past week, we’ve found out that that tradition and success came at a price. <br />
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I’ll be honest, when I first heard about all this scandal, I didn’t think that much of it. I thought there would be an investigation, trial, and Jerry Sandusky would be headed to jail for the rest of his life. Then I actually read the grand jury report, which is by far the most repulsive thing I’ve seen in my lifetime. The mere fact that a human being could do these despicable things to a child is revolting, but the fact that he was caught, given a slap on the wrist and allowed to continue his life as a sexual predator is unforgivable. <br />
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The fact of the matter is that Joe Paterno was given details about a middle age man having sex with a 10-year-old boy in a shower in his locker room and he did the minimal amount necessary to stop it. Honestly, I consider this even worse than not reporting a murder because unlike a murder performed in a fit of rage, it’s common knowledge pedophilia is a sickness and the perpetrators will strike again. Right now there are reports of 20 boys who’ve come forward claiming sexual abuse at the hands of Sandusky, and you KNOW there are more out there. Yes, all signs point to the fact that Paterno reported his findings to the proper campus authorities, which then buried the story and will be rightfully punished for their actions, but his hands are not clean. Joe Paterno was the most powerful man perhaps in the entire state of Pennsylvania, whose entire mantra has been about helping young men and doing things the right way, but now he turns his back on arguably the most gruesome crime against man that someone could commit? It’s not illegal, but it’s not right. <br />
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Much like the rest of the country, I was shocked by the allegations, and truly felt for the Penn State community. I thought if Paterno hadn’t resigned he would be booed mercilessly in this weekend’s game against Nebraska, but then I heard about the rally on his lawn. Supporters, and I realize they don’t speak for all Penn State students and alumni, gathered on Paterno’s lawn. They chanted his name, made signs, and were even led in multiple “WE ARE PENN STATE” cheers by a giddy Joe Paterno. This was the breaking point. <br />
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Listen, I love football and sports altogether as much as anyone, but this week has shown me just how much our vision is clouded by our deification of athletes and coaches altogether. Like it or not, Joe Paterno was indirectly responsibly for the rape of countless boys, and he had to go. The fact that members of the Penn State community continue to violently defend his right to coach this weekend makes me embarrassed to be a sports fan. “But, what’s the harm in letting him stick around for 72 more hours??” No, he’s not going to cause any more children to be raped, but you CAN’T have 100K people giving Joe Paterno a standing ovation on national television. I realize the love everyone in Happy Valley has for Coach Paterno, but you know what this all looks like to an outsider? People valuing and giving more respect to a game and a legacy than the shattered lives of AT LEAST 20 young boys. <br />
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Every question screamed at the Board of Trustees last night about letting Paterno stay, why he was told over the phone, or my favorite, “Who’s coaching on Saturday,” represented the same blind eye that Paterno took in dealing with this situation. It scared me to death because even though I realize I could never live with covering up something as truly awful as child rape in favor of a football program, I’m not so sure about some of the people up in State College. And not just at Penn State, College Football powerhouses across the country. <br />
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The Penn State riot images and video hitting the Internet today are hard to swallow. I’m the last guy who would talk shit about people getting wasted on the streets, but this wasn’t an upset of the #1 team in the country. Protesting the firing of someone who gave tacit consent to the brutal and repeated rape of children shows ignorance, while sadly and unfairly extending the scandal’s black eye from the administration to the entire student body. Now is not a time for asking “What about me?” or even worse “What about the football team?” It’s “How can we make sure this never happens again?”<br />
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WE ARE PENN STATE. For the past 60 years the first image that comes to mind has been Joe Paterno. Recently, Paterno’s become more of a figure head serving as a de-facto King to the Penn State community’s Seven Nation Army. He’s not an evil man, but he’s responsible for whatever goes down on his watch. The groundswell of support for a fallen leader is admirable, but misdirected. Penn State students and alumni have done nothing wrong, however by focusing on a game and not the atrocities within the Grand Jury testimony, you’re spitting in the face of Child Abuse victims across the Nation. Last night video of van toppling, dumpster burning, and general riots broke out across campus, but I know that didn’t represent Penn State as whole. This is a tragedy, but remember the victim here isn’t an 84 year old man who didn’t get to sit in the press box against Nebraska – it’s the disadvantaged kids whose likely only male role model took their vulnerability and used it to crush their innocence. Today, nobody is Penn State – We Are All the Victims.<br />
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