#21 Bros Only Vacations

If you are like me you have been counting down this weekend since last September and incredibly we are now only one day away. Memorial Day weekend officially marks the beginning of the summer aka the season where it’s the Bros time to shine. Bros across the country are eagerly anticipating the start of the first Bros only vacation of the summer.

While former bros are spending the weekend with their girlfriend or fiancée, true bros are out getting fucked up beyond belief and hooking up with mad chicks. There are a few rules to a Bros only Vacation:

1. No Bras allowed. If you have a girlfriend, you are permitted to text her, but if you are found on the phone with her for an extended period of time, fellow bros have the right to destroy said phone.
   
   
2. You must be comfortable sleeping in an over-packed hotel room/vacation home. In recent years we have packed my parents’ three-bedroom beach house with up to 25 people. Unfortunately, this caused so called bros to sleep on the front lawn, which neighbors for some reason did not like. Therefore, we are no longer allowed back. Get with the program bros, if you can’t stand sleeping in a pile of spilled beer pong brew when you are blackout drunk, you might as well just end your bro-life and get engaged.
   
   
3. You must be willing to drink non-stop all weekend long. Bros DO NOT “take it easy” during a Bros only vacation. Bro Vacations mean constant intoxication, no excuses. If you use the excuse, “I can’t drink because I really want to go for a run later” you are not a Bro. If you are puking in the morning, you should want to drink even more to get over your hangover/replenish the fluids. You know what? Scratch that - if you are puking in the morning, you should just go ahead and get a pregnancy test because one thing is certain - you are not a Bro.
   
   
4. If you are going to the beach, you must plan on spending at LEAST twice as much time at the bar than at the beach. Also, bros don’t “lay out” when at the beach. They play tackle football, try to surf boogie boards, and make sculptures of penises in the sand. Additional bro-points are awarded if you can sneak brew onto the beach when drinking is banned or smashing kids’ crappy sand castles then telling the kids you will beat the shit out of their Dad.

So if you are heading out on a Bro-cation this weekend, enjoy. I’ll be heading up to Dewey Beach, DE with 5 of my bros. Look out for me at the Starboard, I’ll be wearing my bro-tastic Rebecca Lobo New York Liberty jersey with matching WNBA headband. God, I’m such a bro.

#18 The Shocker

One thing is for sure – bras absolutely love digital cameras. It gives them the opportunity to take pictures and choose which ones they look cute in so they can upload them in a facebook album most likely entitled, “GoNnA BuY YoU a DrAnK” or “GoNnA MaKe LoVe In ThIs ClUb.” That’s where bros come into play. Bros don’t like the power bras have in this situation, so instead of just smiling and flexing their pecs bros spice up the picture. They throw the shocker.

When bras inspect their pictures the next day, keeping only those that give the illusion that they are not fat, they see what you have done. “That asshole ruined the picture!!!” they exclaim. Ruin it? We just made it better.

For those of you bro-haters who don’t know, the shocker is when you put your index, middle, and pinky finger out. Sure it doesn’t seem very cool, but that’s before you hear what it symbolizes. That’s right two in the pink and one in the stink! Now I have never actually given a bra the shocker as I have fundamental problems with entering exits, but I know people who have and they said it is the shit. The only thing better than giving the shocker in a picture is giving a super-shocker, which is an extension of the pinky, ring, and index fingers aka two in the stink and one in the pink.

Overall, a well-timed shocker/super-shocker can give you major bro-cred and make any boring picture absolutely hilarious.

#12 Pretending you don’t know people you met while drunk

It’s inevitable that when out getting shitfaced, bros are going to meet new people, whether it’s a friend of a friend, or just some random girl you meet at the bar. Often times you will be on the verge of blackout but chances are you are going to remember talking to this new “friend.” However, if you are a bro, the next time you see this person, you better not fucking acknowledge their presence. Why is that you ask? Because there is a good chance that the other person was blacked out and by no means do you want to initiate any conversation whatsoever where a girl doesn’t remember you. So, instead, you act as though you were so blacked out that you have no recollection of ever meeting that person. Not only will you look cool as shit for getting Blackout drunk, but you will also convey the idea that the girl is not worth your time – and girls love that shit. If you must, when meeting the person for a second time chime in with “I think we might have met one time when we were drunk” but never offer anything else.

After time you tend to develop drunk relationships where you only talk to certain people when you are wasted. This can be very hard to manage – you do not, I repeat DO NOT want to be the one who breaks the relationship by talking to the person sober. This makes you look needy and like a loser. Instead whenever you see the person around campus or the neighborhood you look the other way or pretend you are getting a phone call and walk quickly past them.

Perhaps the greatest bro move is acting like you don’t even recognize someone you hooked up with the night before. Re-introducing yourself to you make-out partner from the night before is a total bro-move. This makes it look like not only do you get fucked up, but you also hook up with so many chicks that she was not important to you at all, and that is awesome.

#3 Calling Girls Sluts

Bros dig power, and to be honest there is nothing more empowering than calling girls sluts. Honestly, does it get any better than cruising the streets with your bros and constantly saying, “Oh, look at these fucking sluts!” every time you pass by a group of girls. Answer: No, it doesn’t. Bros love to change the pronunciation of sluts just to mix things up. Slutties, Sloots, and Slutbags are variations of the word, but they all mean the same thing: that the girl is a ho-bag.

While its fun to call girls sluts behind their back, its even more rewarding to call it to their face. The best part of calling girls sluts is that most of the time they aren’t sluts at all, but it still makes them feel like they are, which is awesome. Anytime you can make a girl feel self-conscience about herself, you have done your job as a bro.

Let’s take a look at the appropriate times to call a girl a slut:

When she’s showing off skin – Honestly, she’s just asking to be called a slut at this point. This is a no-brainer. If you and your boys don’t call her a slut, you lose serious bro-points. I mean this is a fucking lay-up line insult that will definitely get you some fist pounds so why would you pass it up?

When she insults you in any way – Its so fucking sweet being a bro. No matter what a girl says you always have a trump card. Say for example, some girl is making fun of you because you live in your parent’s basement. That’s when you remind her what she is.

When she rejects your advances – So, you’re at a bar with all your bros (obvs) and some girl that’s hot as shit tries to get a beer right next to you. You obviously hit on her because she’s basically asking for it. However, this girl doesn’t appear interested. What do you do? In order to not lose any bro-cred it’s best to just rip into her calling her a slut. Other possibilities are that she’s a “whore”, “lesbian”, or “dyke-bitch.”

Welcome

Welcome to Bros Like This Site– yeah this is a direct rip-off of StuffWhitePeopleLike.com but I take protein, and you don’t, so you can go fuck yourself.

Anyways, I wanted to start off this blog by explaining just what a “Bro” is.Wikipedia defines “BRO” as “Indian military maintainers of army and civilian roads in border areas, better known as ‘Boarder Roads Organisation.’” First of all, Wikipedia is full of shit and they don’t know what the fuck they are talking about. At a high level, a bro is a guy. A girl is a bra and they have no place in this conversation.

A bro can be defined by these characteristics

1) Gets fucked up. By far the most important quality of being a bro
2) Takes mad protein
3) Hooks up with mad chicks.
4) Above all loves hanging with his bros and would do anything for them, even let them drive when they’ve had too much to drink.

Now, I know what you are thinking – “Oh, I know what bros are, they are the guys who everyone wants to be/fuck!” Wrong – little do you know there are bro-enemies out there:

Bras – this is pretty much just a nice way of saying bitches, which bros always refer to women as. They try to kill our buzz by telling us we are “lame” or that they are “pregnant.” They can’t be trusted and there is no room for them in any capacity.

Bro-Haters – Better known to you as Nerks, Dorks, Dweebs, or Recovering Alcoholics. These people do not like to get fucked up, which is rule number one of being a bro and therefore I hate them. You can find often find them at the Library, Church, AA meetings, or Laser Tag arenas.

Look back here in the coming weeks for updates on all the Shit that we Bros like and tips on how you yourself can become a Bro.