#17 Swingers

For every group out there, there are movies that they cling to and call their own. For potheads it’s “Half-Baked,” acid freaks love Pink Floyd’s “The Wall,” Black people love pretty much anything involving Ice Cube, and Bras have Lifetime movies about the fact that all men are rapists. But for bros, there is one movie that stands above all. Of course I’m referring to “Swingers.”

It’s really tough to put into words the impact that a fairly unknown movie when first released has made on the bro community. Much like a scarlet letter would identify sluts in the good old days so does a “Swingers” poster hanging in a bedroom/dorm room identify Bros. By hanging a poster of Vince Vaughn holding that martini glass, you are telling everyone that walks into your room that you are money and you are ready to party.

The movie has transformed the way bros talk. Bros love to get themselves pumped up to go out by shouting – “You are so fucking money, and you don’t even know it!” A lot of time this occurs while staring at himself in the mirror and is followed by chugging a red bull and then crushing it against his head. Extra bro-points are awarded to anyone who can provide additional more random quotes in their AIM away message/facebook page, including the quote about Mikey being the guy in the Rated R movie or about “killing the bunny” with claws.

Some people think that Bros love “Swingers” so much because it is the perfect movie to get over a break up, but those people are fucking idiots. Bros don’t get broken up with, they do the breaking, and that is a fact. Bros love this movie for one reason and one reason alone: Trent. Trent is Vince Vaughn’s character and he is everything any bro can ever hope to be. He is the ladies man – a fast talker and hilarious. He picks up hot Vegas waitresses and girls that look like Tina Yothers from Family Ties. He is a bro king. It’s impossible for a bro to watch Swingers and not want to be Vince Vaughn.

So while all you bro-haters out there watch your cult classics like “Donnie Darko” and any thing involving the word “Star” us bros are gonna stick to movies about what we know best – getting fucked up and slaying mad hos

#16 Thrift Store T-Shirts

Bros have tough decisions to make before they hit the town. “What type of brew should I pick up for the pregame? Who will I drunk dial tonight for a booty call? What bar should we go get tanked at tonight? How many slutties am I going to hit on at the bar?” But before any of this can be determined, he must make his most important call: “What the fuck am I going to wear?” Sure, if you want to blend in with all the rest of the bros you could go with your classic pink Lacoste shirt you bought for like $80 last summer (totally worth it by the way), but tonight you want to show the ladies you are more than just a piece of meat, you are also funny as shit. That’s when you pick out your favorite thrift store t-shirt.

Most bros have at least 2 t-shirts they picked up at the thrift store. Bros love wearing these out because it shows that you are hilarious and it’s also a great conversation starter meaning you will get laid wearing it. For all you bro-wanna-be’s out there he’s a quick run down of exactly what you should be looking for at the thrift store:

• Sexual T-Shirts - These are very hard to find in any thrift store, because frankly not many of these are made. Some of the classic go-to’s which you are likely to find include anything involving the year 1969. The fact of the matter is bros love the number 69. Even when someone mentions something innocent like, “I got a 68 on that Calc test” someone inevitably interjects, “I bet you wish you got a 69!!!” A bunch of “OHHH’s” and then a dog-pile of bros and a final group chant with fist pumps of “Six-ty Nine! Six-ty Nine!” usually follows. So, if you are lucky enough to find a shirt that has a 69 on it, you had better god damn snatch that up.
  
  
• Racial T-Shirts – These types of shirts are much easier to find, and will definitely get the point across that you are an hilarious bro and more importantly get you laid. Say your thumbing through the t-shirt rack and come across a shirt saying “Johnson Family BBQ” sure its nice, but then you see the payoff – there is a picture of the ENTIRE family and get this – they are all Black! Jackpot. You quickly buy it and wear it out the first chance you get. The reactions to this shirt often go like this. Someone will pass by you, take a glance at that shirt then look away immediately. Then they will realize instantly “Now just wait a minute, he’s not Black” as they look back and begin laughing hysterically. Then the slow clap begins as you sir, must be recognized as a t-shirt genius. Then you get laid, probably at the bar.

#15 Ultimate Fighting

I don't care who you are, bro, bro-hater, or bra, it’s a pretty good chance you have seen at least a part of a Mixed Martial Arts fight in your life. It’s on Spike TV pretty much non-stop with Joe Rogan of NewsRadio fame doing the color commentary. It’s also emerging as a pay per view favorite among bros.

MMA has become the bro’s triathalon. It used to be a point of pride for bros to say they were getting all jacked up and in shape to run the Ironman, but these days its much sweeter to say you are training to be a cage fighter. I’m pretty lucky that I got a scar above my eye from a drunken fall in college, because now whenever girls ask about it I can tell them it’s from my ultimate fighting training. I always throw in that I would go pro, but I made a promise to my mother I wouldn’t. That shit always works. Sluts.

No matter what style of mixed martial arts training you specialize in, bros can all agree on one thing: They claim to have known Kimbo Slice was a phony. Yeah we all worshipped his Youtube videos where you see him knock the shit out of that dude in the backyard, and sure we had Kimbo Sice posters hanging in our room, but when he failed, bros made sure to tell everyone and their mother that, “I knew from the day he set foot in the Octagon that he didn’t have the skills to compete.” It’s also important to include the fact that he was a stand up fighter and couldn’t fight on the mat, because this makes it seem like you actually know the technique of mixed-martial arts. Also, anyone that thinks Kimbo Slice is still a solid fighter is a bro-hater.

#14 Talking About How Important Their Father Is

So your at the bar with your bros and some ridiculously hot chick comes walking by looking to order a drink. Player that you are, you swoop in to order her a Cranberry Vodka. You start to hit on her – hard. You are using some of your best game, but for some reason it’s just not working. Normally you might just move on and call her a slut for taking your drink without even being interested in you, but this girl is so fucking hot and you have been on such a cold street recently that you have to break out your trump card. She needs to know just how rich and powerful your father really is. Luckily for me, my father went to Wharton and has like 5 houses, including 2 beach houses, so I never have any problem coming up with ways to impress girls. There’s different tactics to best bring up the fact that you father is more important than anyone else:

• Naturally in conversation – This is perhaps the toughest thing to do. Rarely do girls you meet at the bar ever ask you what kind of car your Dad drives, so often times you really have to gear the conversation in this direction. For example, say she asks where you went to high school, your response could be, “Yeah, I went to Tall Oaks High. It was tough though, because a lot of kids were really jealous of my Dad’s Lamborghini.” Boom, you are probably getting laid.
  
  
• Blunt statement – this is probably my favorite tactic. This is best done in a completely non-sequitor manner where there is a lull in conversation. Everyone knows what I’m talking about, you were chatting the girl up for awhile until you run out of things to talk about. You’ve already exhausted where you went to college, where you live, where you work and its getting to the make or break point where someone either pretends to have to go to the bathroom or chug their drink so they can go get another one. Well its at this point when you are looking around the bar trying to find something to talk about when you can interject and scream out – “My Dad is VP of his company and in charge of like 150 people. He fired some single mother of 3 last week because she looked at him the wrong way. But I mean business is business. He makes as much as a lot of pro athletes.” Now you’ve got her motor running! Not only do you stand to inherit millions of dollars, but there is also power in your bloodlines, and newsflash: Chicks Dig Power.
  
  
• To get out of trouble – Claiming you are your father’s son doesn’t only help you get laid, but it can be handy for trouble with the authorities. Say you and your bros decide to have some nice late night fare after a night of getting fucked up. You can barely stand, but all you want is a nice Chili Dog at Hard Times. Only problem is the dumb waitress is taking forever with your order, not to mention the fact that they won’t even serve you alcohol. The unfortunate thing for the restaurant but the fortunate thing for you is that there is a candle on the table and plenty of napkins to go around. So you and your bros decide to have a little “bro-fire” and start burning everything you can see. Things quickly get out of control and the bitch waitress of yours eventually has to use a fire extinguisher to put out the emerging blaze. You and you bros are high fiving and verbally abusing the waitress tell her its her fault for not serving us brew, when someone puts a hand on your shoulder. It’s the cops. They saw the whole thing. You explain to the cops you are a political prisoner but he is not buying it, so you are going to have to go to your big guns. You ask the cop, “Do you know who my father is?” He replies he does not, nor should he as your father is not all that famous, but the beauty of it is the stupid pigs don’t know that shit. You then assure him, that if he doesn’t let you go, he will not have a job come Monday morning. This always works. The cop, fearing for his job, is not going to want to mess with your father.