#68 Tailgating

Your alarm goes off. It’s 7 am. You haven’t been awake this early since fucking high school. It’s a week deep into the Fall semester and you have been perfect in skipping all your classes. Shit doesn’t matter though, you already have all the #65 tests from last year. You’re hungover as shit and there’s fucking #48 puke in your bed. You’re pretty sure the slam piece next to you is a freshman, so she’s probably dumb as shit. Therefore you can convince her it’s her puke and make that bitch clean it up. You get out of bed, nearly fall over because you’re still wasted from last night and try to remember why the fuck you are awake 3 hours after you passed out. You hear some noise outside so you look out the window to see what the fucking deal is. As you look through your blinds aka bedsheet covering the window, your eyes light up just like the day you saw your first pair of boobs. It’s fucking gameday.

There’s no denying that bros love football, but to be honest with you, a football game is nothing without a tailgate. Bros take pride in their tailgating abilities. Tailgating is the perfect storm for bros. Combining drinking, grilling and football causes bros to nearly lose their shit in excitement. No matter how good their tailgate might actually be, bros will always claim that they have “the best tailgate,” which is due largely to the fact that they are “the best tailgaters.” This can be due to the fact that they have shit like a 6 foot sub, an ice luge, 30 cases, a fucking roasted pig, #6 beer pong tables, hundreds of jello shots, a car with sick speakers, multiple corn hole or testicle toss sets, or the hottest #59 sorority tailgating with them. That shit is good and all, but seriously, the only important part to tailgating is making sure you get fucked up.

Some of the best tailgating experiences I’ve had are when me and my bros just get a couple 30 packs and set up shop in the parking lot, with no spread or even car to stand around. “But NYB, don’t you need ice to keep your beer cold?” Fuck you bitch - you know bros chug all that shit before it gets warm. Anyways, by just standing in the lot, not only do we not have to get up at like 5 am to get a good spot, but we don’t have to spend a shitload of money either. Instead, all we do is just #2 steal as much shit as we possibly can from all the people that came prepared. This works especially well on old alumni. Often, they are just happy to have some young people to talk to. While you distract them by asking about their grandkids, have all your bros steal as much as they can from their tailgate. Sure nobody is going to eat the vegetable platter, but who gives a fuck – its funny as shit, not to mention that stealing from people who are too weak to stop you gives you a pretty fucking amazing rush.

So bros, as college football’s kickoff weekend approaches, remember this: In twenty years, you will never remember what happened in the game – but getting dome in the woods by the port-o-potties after tailgating for like 7 hours is a memory that will last a lifetime. Make the memory this weekend bros.

#2 Stealing Shit

If there is one thing that bros love to do as much as getting fucked up, its stealing shit. Now in today’s economic times, we have seen many people resort to stealing to provide for their family. This is not the reason bros steal. Bros steal because it is fucking awesome. If you know the rush of stealing hard-boiled eggs, mayonnaise, and coffee filters from Wawa at 2am, then it’s a pretty good chance that you are a bro. Here are some other things bros are known to steal:

Food – who doesn’t love the thrill of dining and dashing. What makes it great is that bros can fully afford to pay the 7 bucks for their late night bowl of chili, but why waste your money when you can just take off running? Honestly, who is going to stop you? That 5 foot 100 pound Asian hostess? Hell no! Not paying for a meal is the shit and makes you feel like a man. Anyone who says otherwise is a bro-hater.

Alcohol – combining stealing and drinking is the ultimate double team. It is a proven fact that stolen beer tastes much better than beer you had to pay for. Perhaps the biggest bro-move is stealing beer from a rival party and bringing it to your place. Much like stealing from a Vegas casino, it is incredibly hard to pull off. I was once part of a bro-heist where we got a full keg out the door of our neighbor’s place and halfway to our house before we got caught. Needless to say the bros who caught us were not happy. After trying to blame it on how fucked up we were, we finally dropped enough names of mutual bros and got away without a fight. In a related story, a fellow bro told me last night his greatest stealing venture came at frat house he was not a part of during a college road trip. He was successfully able to steal a tap from the keg during the party, which is a pretty ill move and which could also be construed as the biggest dick move of all time. That is of course until you hear that this individual also used to go to the Library during exam times and when the studiers aka bro-haters went to the bathroom, he would take their text books and sell them to the bookstore. Gotta be a pretty good feeling to come back from the bathroom trying to cram for your exam only to find out your books have been stolen.

Signs – Signs are, without a doubt, a bro's favorite thing to steal. Signs are the shit, especially signs that make some sort of unintentional reference to sex, alcohol, or drugs. For example, if you run a business and have sign advertising a sale for $69.99, you might as well just have the sign say “Please steal me” because that shit is getting taken. And god help you if you are running for office and your last name is something like Boozer or Smoker because there is no chance a bro doesn’t steal your campaign banners to hang in their living room. And one more word of advice – unless you plan on finishing every set of directions to people coming over to your house with “And theres no street sign, but it will be your second left” don’t move onto High Street.