#145 Blow Jobs

Holy shit, you’re about to fucking lose it. After heading back to the hottest girls in your class’s place you draw a blank and can’t remember her fucking name. Sure you never remember your slam pieces’ names, but this shit is different. This is a once in a College career opportunity and you’re fucking scared if she finds out you don’t know it, you’ll be the one getting fucked. As she goes into her room to slip into “something more comfortable” aka #95 Victoria’s Secret new line of Boner-wear, you start to do some Encybropedia Brown detective work. After rummaging through her purse, and subsequently washing your hand off from when her Tampon touched it, you finally find it. You’re ready for Pound Town. Just then, she emerges from her bedroom in her outfit. She might as well have her tickets in hand because there’s only one place this train is going.

The boring obligatory make-out session gets started, but you can barely close your eyes. “Am I really about to bang her? She’s the hottest fucking girl in school!” you ask yourself. Answer: of course you are, you’re a fucking bro. She should be the one thanking God for the opportunity. Just as you’re ready to check her off your slay-list, she stops and utters four of the worst words a bro could ever hope to hear: “Let’s take it slow.” Under normal circumstances, you’d just fucking storm out of there and scream at her for wasting your time, but times have been tough and it’s been like two weeks since you’ve gotten any action, so you decide to compromise.

“I could take it slow,” you reply. She tries to start making out again, but you just point down. “Ahem, minimum Speed Limit is one BJ per hour.” Just like that, you enter the fucking Thunder Dome. While our economy may be in fucking shambles, there’s always one job that slam pieces can get during a Recession, and luckily for them, there’s only one requirement for employment: “Applicant Must Swallow.” Bros fucking love blow jobs.

I really don’t know who the first person in history to get a blow job was, but one thing’s for sure: he was a fucking Bro King. I guess this is what slam pieces did before they had facebook and shit. They just sat around trying to figure out new ways to pleasure their man. You have to believe there were some other failed experiments before they arrived at a BJ. Like was eyeball licking ever a thing? Armpits definitely had to be in play at some point, right? I could definitely see Mark Antony banging Cleopatra’s armpit, you know, just to mix shit up. Regardless of how people started doing it, blow jobs are here to stay, and bros fucking love that.

Blow jobs are the flashing lights and lowering gate at a railroad crossing – whenever they happen, you know the Pound Town Express can’t be far behind. But as #111 high school bros know, sometimes BJs are used in place of sex. Usually this is because the girl is “saving herself“ for marriage aka her first weekend of College when she gets wasted and bangs some random dude because he’s good as shit at #29 grinding.

Some bros might even argue that since you can do other shit while getting dome, it’s even better than banging. Bros fucking love telling stories of shit they’ve done while getting head. It doesn’t get much better than telling your bro, “Remember when we were talking on the phone yesterday? Yeah, I was getting a fucking BJ!” #13 Fist pounds and a shit load of “Blow Job” #4 chants often follow.

Bros recognize that blow jobs are a fucking art form. Every group of bros has that one girl, when anytime you mention her name, someone will automatically scream out, “Oh man, she gives the best head!” While irreparable physical deformities such as having a big nose can rarely be overcome in a bro’s book, I’ve seen girls improve #66 two whole points (from a 6 to an 8) strictly because of her blowing ability. By the same respect, giving a shitty blowjob can knock you down up to 4 whole points. The last thing a bro needs is a trip to the fucking emergency room due to a toothy blow job.

Now I’m sure there are some girls out there who are reading this and saying, “Uhhh, blow jobs? I don’t give out blow jobs! They’re disgusting!” Fucking please – if this describes you, you might as well make your 38th birthday resolution of artificial insemination now, because there’s no chance in hell anyone is going to want to fucking marry you. If blow jobs are so disgusting then why the fuck do all the girls in porn say they love it so much? It’s not like you’re a bro giving a slam piece a post-BJ kiss on the lips – now THAT’S disgusting. And don’t get me started on girls who only give out “BJs” when the guy is wearing a #24 condom. You know who else does that? That’s right, fucking hookers, that’s who. I’ve seen some sad shit in my day, but if you ever submit to wearing a condom while getting a BJ, not only are you not a bro, but you’re not a fucking man. Safety my ass – the only thing safe about it is the fact that it’s safe to say you’re fucking loser.

In many states, society thinks they have the right to determine what sexual positions we’re allowed to do. I for one think this is bullshit. This country was founded on freedom of expression, and to be honest there’s no greater expression than the look on a bro’s face while he’s getting a quality BJ. Blow jobs are patriotic as shit, and I’ll be damned if I just sit here and listen to some slam piece slander my fucking #63 Country. God Bless America. God Bless blow jobs.

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