Friday, June 26, 2009

#39 Cougars

You’re at the bar with your bros when three older ladies set up shop right next to you. One of them is absolutely busted, another is decent, and the third is legitimately hot. Luckily for you one of your bros is an asshole and asks the decent looking one, “Do you know where your grandchildren are?” Even though you think he’s hilarious, you move in and apologize so you can make your move on the smoking hot member of the group. You buy here a drink. The drink leads to the dance floor, which leads to a make out session, which leads to an invitation back to her hotel room. You continue your makeout sesh as the hands start to wander. That’s when she drops the bomb: “You’re a much better kisser than my husband.” You stop what you are doing and recognize that this is pretty fucking awesome, but you are curious.

“How old are you,” you ask her.
“42, how old are you?”
“25.”
“Oh my goodness, my oldest is just 4 years younger than you!”

At that moment I realized: I was caught in a cougar trap. This happened to me just one year ago at Dewey Beach. I know everyone out there is asking, "Did you seal the deal??" Well the answer is no. The fact is I have never slept with a woman who has given birth and quite frankly it does not appeal to me. Call me crazy, but I prefer third trimester virgins. It also didn't help that she started showing me pictures of her kids. Anyways the point is bros fucking love cougars. Bros are fucking obsessed with the idea of hooking up with a cougar. Here are some reasons why:

Bro Points – Cougar hookup stories are one of those rare things where if your bro hooks up with a cougar and you tell the story – you are given bro points just for knowing him. The older the Cougar, the more bro points you get. The more children she has, again more bro points. If you are able to get a picture of her holding out her fingers to show her age, possibly fighting back tears, you better fucking believe you will be getting some serious bro points.

Funny As Shit – Honestly, anytime you have the chance to degrade women – you better fucking take it. What better way than to make having sex with her a joke? One of the best ways to do this is when you are at the bar and it is apparent that you are going home together. Demand to see her ID. Then go around the bar to make sure all your bros know just how old she is. Make sure she can see all their reactions as they undoubtedly yell, “God damn, that bitch is old as shit!” followed by high fives and fist pounds.

No Commitment – I think we’ve established pretty well that bros fucking hate commitment. That’s why they love cougars. No cougar hookup story starts with, “So we went on a couple dates and both realized that we had a lot in common.” No. You meet. You drink. You hook. Cougars will never text you constantly after your hookup because quite frankly, they probably don’t even know how to text. And the best news is, thanks to menopause, you can raw dog without even worrying about getting her pregnant!

Cougars are the shit.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

once again, great post.

you can tell you are in the presence of a tru bro when he openly admits that he didnt seal the deal, some douchebag bro hater would have come up with a fabricated bullshit story of all the awesome things he did to the couger, when in reality he has never touched a boob and actually beleived steve carrol in 40yr old virgin when he said that it feels like a bag of sand.

anyways, cougers are super fun to degrade at the bar, nd the degrading doesnt have to end at the bar.

if she didnt want to be degraded she shouldt have came to the bar looking for a 25yr old cock.

BENNY BOY said...

NYB-
I am not gonna lie I was having withdrawals yesterday after no Thursday post. But what better way to brodeem yourself than by talking about cougs. My only addittion to this post would be ways to become a bro king in relation to cougars. I believe there are three.
1) Friend of the family- So your mom's best gal just got divorced and she has been over quite frequenly sobbing and downing wine. Your bro plan is now in place. A few weeks later you see her at the bar in front of any empty martini glass and you go in for the easiest score since Wilt's 100, the "I am so depressed what better way than to get back at my ex than by sleeping with my friend's hot young son" score.
2) Former Teacher- All bros have fantasized about drilling his home ec teacher. I got news for you bros, with the divorce rate skyrocketing there is good chance you will be fulfilling this fantasy very soon.
3) If she is the mother of one your bros- What better way to taunt your fellow bro than by penetrating his birth mother's vagina?
Completing any of these tasks will definitely assure you of bro-king status. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

also, i heard a rumour that michael jackson actually died of food poisoning...from an 11 year old wiener.

i hope you rot in hell you child molesting peice of shit

Ned's Younger Brother said...

BB- again you raise a very good point. At a recent wedding, one of my parents' friends was eyeing me the entire night. Although she was attractive, she was probably about 60. I called my parents to let them know I had met their old friend, and my Mom's immediate reaction - "Don't hook up with her, she is so flaky!"

My parents know me so well.

Anonymous said...

NYB,
why pass up the opportunity on some serious bro cred with the cougar? furthermore, as you yourself stated, more bro points are awarded for the more kids she has. is it because you have such immense bro cred already???

Anonymous said...

Back in high school I was stumbling behind the house at my bro's party to take a piss and I looked through the bathroom window and saw my bro Biff pounding this cougar doggy-style. While she lacked ideal cougar age (she was 29), Biff was 17 and she did have two kids so he got some serious bro-cred.

Cougars are the shit. Preying on slags with low self-esteem is also the shit and cougars always have some sort of problem with themselves like a husband who kicked their ass to the curb or a debillatating coke addicition. On a related note, doing coke off a cougar's body is probably up there with my top brofantasies. Brody Jenner definitely slays cougars every 20 minutes.

Dr. Cock 'n' Balls said...

I had a cougar experience just this year. This bra was hitting on me hardcore at a bar when she asked me how old I was, so I replied that I'm 20 (and no i didn't get in with a fake ID, i'm a fucking bro so what did i do? made buddies with the bouncer so he let me in)

anyway, when I told the chick I was 20 her jaw dropped - she claimed she was "old enough to be my mother." I called bullshit, thinking this chick was about 29...and that's when she showed me her license. 5/17/1962. that date has been burned into my mind forever. and yes, the deal was sealed shortly thereafter at her apartment.

John said...

who the fuck cares if she has a son younger than you by 4 years. you dont know the kid or her, so fuck her and leave it at that. she never asked you to meet her son. you leave your emotions at the door when you are w/ a cougar. if you didnt you would still be fucking high school girls. you dropped the ball on that one. you dont deserve a penis.

Bromageddon said...

I once hooked with a forty year old coug and was woken by the smell of bacon and eggs and her son telling me that "mister, breakfast is ready"...I left without eating like a true bro

bilBRObaggins said...

if you want cougars that have never had kids. go to fucking annapolis, where i went to school. my cougar was 37, worked at nordstroms and was fucking hot. last time i saw her i was climbing out of her window when she was in the shower. fuck that dumb slam piece

Anonymous said...

I beat off on an especially older cougar after she took off her clothes and was lying in bed naked waiting for me to fuck her. her pussy smelled so i jerked it and shot my jizz on her then got the fuck outta her room

John said...

I was working my summer job back home when i mentioned to an (older, hot, fake tits/lips, drives a caddy) lady about this cool new pub. the next sat, she showed up with her caddy smashed from her shitty driving, (cause shes a woman...) so i knew she wanted to slam... my friends were doggin me, but i am a hunter, and never backdown...took her to my mom's place, slammed on mom's new sofa and my old twin size bed, found out.. she wasnt a milf, even better, she was a gilf! never spoke to her again...

Anonymous said...

how many bro points to i get for eiffel towering a cougar with my bro?

Anonymous said...

"Well the answer is no. The fact is I have never slept with a woman who has given birth and quite frankly it does not appeal to me."


yeah right you could always go gay, a REAL guy would grab the opportunity when he sees one.
If I'd get a cougar like that to fuck me, i'd take that in a heartbeat

Ralph Lauren Brolo said...

Bros, this bro is a modest bro but after reading your comments, I need to make it clear how much of a bro I am. I completely agree with this post, bros fucking DO love cougars. The only thing cooler with the fact that you are sticking it to a slampiece who was finishing up high school while you were a little bro baby, is how fucking easy it is. If bros love cougars, cougars FUCKING LOVE bros (i know who doesnt). Cougars shower bros with free shots and usually are all about pleasing the bro.

Last summer, I was broin it out in Ocean City, MD when I met this cougar at a bar. She bought me shot after shot of patron before crying to me how her husband hadnt had sex with her in over a year. (Like I fucking care). Anywho, this bro took her back to my shack castle and next thing I knew I'm balls deep in a slampiece that is old enough to be my mother. But it doesnt end here. It seems that this cougar smoked weed too. Must I remind you that bros fucking love weed. Therefore, I decided to break my usual style of never talking to a piece after I slam them so that I could get free weed whenever I gave her the D. This eventually paid off with her taking me to an all-expenses paid weekend trip to Atlantic City at the end of the summer, where I performed anonymous's dream of doing blow off a cougar's body. Now I'm back to broin at college and havent spoken to her since. This bro fucking loves cougars.

Anonymous said...

I have a bro that hooked up with a lady cop and after he fucked this cougar he put on her bullet proof vest and tried to handcuff her

chill bro baggins said...

^^^bullshit
I banged this coug in her sons bed cause he was sleeping in her room. serious bro cred

Anonymous said...

i recently had a courgar. crazy latin bra. that the bar shes just i fucking me so we go to my hotel room which i sharing with my bros she doesnt want to do it in there so she buys a hotel room. mid fuck she tells she married and says cum on face and hair she got what she asked for

Bro's and Ho's said...

I was suppose to meet some slut at the bar last night, and when i met her for whatever reason i wasnt feeling this bra anymore. I called her fat and me and my bro went looking for different slam pieces. we noticed a mother daughter combo, and even heard from some other bros that these whorebags love dick. Naturally, because im so fucking bro i figured I can satisfy these cum happy sluts and made my move. i found the younger one hotter but the dumb slut is clearly in love with her brohating boyfriend (fiance maybe? i dont fucking remember)
After going back to these bra's house, me and my bro proceeded to make fun of this young slut until she got so angry she almost kicked me in the balls. Of course since my body is sick as shit and because of my god given speed and athleticism, i avoided this blow.
me and my bro, and her 40+ year old slam piece slut mom went into the hottub and after that, we railed the shit out of her.
she made us breakfast this morning, and then i threw up on her couch. we're now slamming patron we stole from this old bra.

I just finished school last spring so i miss living in college town, but im still bro as shit. This site is fucking genius.

Anonymous said...

I'm a 21 year old bro and I love bangin cougars. I just recently hooked up with this 42 year old cougar that was hot as hell! She had huge fake tits and her oldest daughter was 2 years older than me. The best part was when we went back to her place to fuck she had to kick her 13 year old daughter out of her bed and send her to her own room. It was bro as shit.

Oh and she loved it anal and sucked my dick clean after. What a fuckin slut!

Anonymous said...

NYB - Picked up a Coug the other day who's on her way to my bro pad to a trip to pound town right now. Her fakes are obvious bro points and she's more of a slampiece than any of her sorostitute daughters.. however.. this Coug is telling me she's been banged by Kiefer Sutherland and a couple other C list celebs.. I can't decide if this is Bro as fuck, or if my Bro stock will has plummeted as a result?

Anonymous said...

^^^

Yo If you have banged the same pussy that Jack Bauer was in then you are bro as fuck and get a shitload of bro-cred. Everyone knows Jack Bauer is bro as fuck.

Bro-din, ruler of Bra-sgard said...

Picked up this slampiece at a bar in my old college town while drinking with my cuz and some of his bros. She told me she was 45, which means she was probably at least 50. Smokin' bod, busted face, and a pussy that smelled like broken dreams. Anyway, banged it out over at her place later that night, and walked out of the house the next morning at the same time her 17 year old son was leaving to go to school. Bro life.

bromanity said...

instant bro king status if the cougs kid has kids aka grandma. i mean you probably just got yourself a life long undisputed bro king card if you accomplish that feat. you would be a god amongst bros. legendary. people would tell the story on campus for generations to come.

Anonymous said...

my coug story involved me underaged at a bar on halloween ( not with a fake i just look old enough ) and made out with a haggard coug while blacked out and now my bros make fun of me for it

Anonymous said...

#111 High School Bro here i need all you bros help. Some bro at my school just got busted for plowing the shit out of our slampiece gym teacher in a Kohl's parking lot last night, since this bro is only 16 they couldn't say his name on the news. This is a goddamn tragedy. iF THERE IS ANYONE IN THE 815 WHO KNOWS WHO THIS BRO IS PLEASE SPEAK UP. This kid is a BRO KING and he needs the recignition he deserves. I'm drunk as shit and I gotta go to school tomorrow at like 7am the only thing that will make that not suck is if I can give this hero a #13 high five. Bros rule.

http://woodridge.patch.com/articles/female-physical-education-teacher-charged-with-having-sex-with-student-2

Mdazzo said...

I was 21 she was 50(yes half a century) She was with her 2 sisters,Poached her at bar, went back to hotel room with her, sisters, and my bros/bras, and banged her out infront of them all. Photo Evidence to prove. Became Bro King in one night.

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