You’re at the bar with your bros when three older ladies set up shop right next to you. One of them is absolutely busted, another is decent, and the third is legitimately hot. Luckily for you one of your bros is an asshole and asks the decent looking one, “Do you know where your grandchildren are?” Even though you think he’s hilarious, you move in and apologize so you can make your move on the smoking hot member of the group. You buy here a drink. The drink leads to the dance floor, which leads to a make out session, which leads to an invitation back to her hotel room. You continue your makeout sesh as the hands start to wander. That’s when she drops the bomb: “You’re a much better kisser than my husband.” You stop what you are doing and recognize that this is pretty fucking awesome, but you are curious.
“How old are you,” you ask her.
“42, how old are you?”
“Oh my goodness, my oldest is just 4 years younger than you!”
At that moment I realized: I was caught in a cougar trap. This happened to me just one year ago at Dewey Beach. I know everyone out there is asking, "Did you seal the deal??" Well the answer is no. The fact is I have never slept with a woman who has given birth and quite frankly it does not appeal to me. Call me crazy, but I prefer third trimester virgins. It also didn't help that she started showing me pictures of her kids. Anyways the point is bros fucking love cougars. Bros are fucking obsessed with the idea of hooking up with a cougar. Here are some reasons why:
Bro Points – Cougar hookup stories are one of those rare things where if your bro hooks up with a cougar and you tell the story – you are given bro points just for knowing him. The older the Cougar, the more bro points you get. The more children she has, again more bro points. If you are able to get a picture of her holding out her fingers to show her age, possibly fighting back tears, you better fucking believe you will be getting some serious bro points.
Funny As Shit – Honestly, anytime you have the chance to degrade women – you better fucking take it. What better way than to make having sex with her a joke? One of the best ways to do this is when you are at the bar and it is apparent that you are going home together. Demand to see her ID. Then go around the bar to make sure all your bros know just how old she is. Make sure she can see all their reactions as they undoubtedly yell, “God damn, that bitch is old as shit!” followed by high fives and fist pounds.
No Commitment – I think we’ve established pretty well that bros fucking hate commitment. That’s why they love cougars. No cougar hookup story starts with, “So we went on a couple dates and both realized that we had a lot in common.” No. You meet. You drink. You hook. Cougars will never text you constantly after your hookup because quite frankly, they probably don’t even know how to text. And the best news is, thanks to menopause, you can raw dog without even worrying about getting her pregnant!
Cougars are the shit.