Wednesday, May 6, 2009

#13 Slappin' Skin

So, you’re at the bar. All of the sudden some guy you used to shotgun beers with back in college comes up to you. You’re fucking thrilled to see him, but unlike bras who in this situation would start screaming and hugging immediately, you are a bro so you stay in control. You interlock hands and give a half brother hug pounding your fist against his back. Sure this is an obvious move for this situation, but which situations warrant the different types of bro-shakes.

Interlocking Handshake – We really aren’t that far away from this becoming the new acceptable handshake. You can always tell you are meeting a bro because instead of the 20th century style handshake, you immediately get the interlocking thumb grip into finger cupping. In college there was one guy who would snap his fingers after every 21st century handshake. Was he a bro? Well, he literally peed sitting down, I’ll let you judge.

Fist Pound – Bros love Black guys. Therefore, they try to do anything that Black guys think is cool. I’m pretty sure that Black guys don’t think fist pounding is cool anymore, and that’s probably because bros have started doing it. A simple fist pound – executed correctly – can be one of the smoothest moves for a bro. Things to remember – don’t force a fist pound. You have to be sure you are going to get the fist pound back, you don’t want to have the terrible bro-ment where you go for the fist pound while the other bro is going for the interlocking handshake. You just end up looking like an idiot and more importantly, everyone will know you are not a bro. Also, never overdo fist pounds. If you ever have to say “pound it” you are overdoing it. Finally, no bro should ever EVER pretend that the fist pound is a bomb. Pretending a fist pound is a bomb gives one instant bro-hater status.

High Five – This is the classic bro move. It is a fact that high fives are an extremely underrated art form, and they are most prevalent to mid 80’s to early 90’s when the Saved by the Bell gang used to get the group five together to close out another killer episode. However, these days the high five has become a much less personal greeting. Bros rarely will greet other bros with high fives, instead they save the high five for girls they have recently drunkenly hooked up with. It’s the perfect go to when you haven’t called a girl for weeks and you run into her at the bar. You are pretty sure you are going to get resistance if you go in for the hug so instead you give a non-awkward high five. The high five basically says, “Hey, sure it looks pretty obvious I didn’t want anything to do with you, but come on slap my hand and maybe we can get drunk tonight and bring back that dorm room passion we shared with your roommate on the bottom bunk crying audibly while she pretended to sleep.”

20 comments:

Broseidon king of the brocean said...

Overall, a great observation. However, I have to disagree with your assessment that the fist pound-bomb explosion qualifies as hating on bros. As a life long bro myself, I certainly partake in "blowing up" any fist pounds when given the opportunity. No hate should be felt from the explosion. Just radness.

Anonymous said...

I must agree with Broseidon king. Everything else seems to be on point with the page, but I guess every bro is allowed one mistake, maybe.

Anonymous said...

ahhh but my friends you will find that the most satisfying sign of bromanship is the reverse high-five. You act as if you are going for the high five, contact here is optional and often accepted, but instead emphesize the slap on the back end as your arms are returning to your side. (Note: you are not a true bro with someone until you can pull this complicated move off while completely shit housed)

Anonymous said...

One of the things I like to do when I am absolutely wrecked after crushing beers all night is to look at your bro's elbow when going for the high five. I found it greatly reduces the chance of a miss.

Marty said...

u cant hate on exploders man thats still a bro move... but you gotta be mutual exploders meaning ur bro has to know to also explode too as to avoid an awkward broment when you explode by yourself

Dan said...

you're forgetting about the best classification of slappin skin... when you're tagging some bitch so hard the slap-slap-slap reverberates through the entire house. i had a slampiece actually stop me from doing this last week because she thought we were waking people up. i casually tossed my head back and laughed, and assured her we'd slow down. 10 seconds later, i went back on my word and set a new decibal record. she fucking loved it because i told her to.

Anonymous said...

An addition to the reverse high five, which is extremely complicated and should only be attempted by wasted and true bros, goes like this: again, you go for the regular high five, contact optional, and continue to slap hands down by the side. Then the arm swings up at the elbow and contact is made AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE by the back of both bro's hands up top. The louder the slap, the more badass the bros.

Typical Bro said...

You're forgetting that this "interlockin handshake" is called a fuckin' dap.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I brought up black guys because this was linked from "Token Black Bro." The point remains.

Bill Brosky said...

Yeah, this shit is right on. Some slump buster I hooked up with, and who I tried to avoid at all costs finally cornered me in a bar somewhere, so I threw up the high five to be a good sport. She didn't enjoy it--at all.

Kareem Abdul-JaBRO said...

You gotta explode after fist pounds, lets everyone know you are for real.

Anonymous said...

there is one more bro-tion that was left out, and i can see why. it is the rare "interlock at the elbow punch". you and your bro act as if going for a high-five, but with balled fists, and instead of making contact you both miss on the inside, creating a fucking sweet connection. this move should be used sparingly and only in moments of great excitement.

Brolaf Kolzig said...

This handshake is the sign of a true bro;
Say you just sacked the last cup in beer pong. This is something worth celebrating. Your bro attempts to give you a fist bump, while you go in for the handshake. Now, clearly either one is acceptable. But unfortunately for your bro, you were the first to initiate the celebration. What do you do in order to not only save yourself, but also ensure that your bro does not loose all bro-cred and sanity for incorrectly reading your handshake? Give him the Mantooth. What is the Mantooth you may ask? It is what we consider to be the ace in the hole for saving your bros life. How its used; When one mistakenly goes in a for a fist bump, while the other is going for the interlocking handshake, the interlocking handshaker must in a single, aerodynamicly swift motion turn the open palmed hand to the side and make it into a claw and grab the fist. Sure fire way to save any bro in such a dire situation.

Also, I think black people now do the double open hand slap, sometimes ended with a double finger pistols in the air while bending back with one foot sticking out. Or at least thats what all my black friends do now. Could be different in different places.

Bro Namath said...

A key moment in any bro greeting is the contact. To let everyone around you know that you and your bro are bro's, the initial greeting is important.

On great bro move is to walk up, start with am interlocking handshake, but then go in for the chest bump.
However, if you do this too slow, youre gay. Go full-force, to show everyone how tough you are. But don't let it last for too long. it should be instant.

BROshiro Tajiri said...

All you Bros forgot about "The Predator", which is the arm-wrestling like greeting Arnold and Apollo Creed give each other in the movie Predator. A particularly good Predator will be prefaced with "Bro! You son of a bitch!" BROfore the clapping motion is completed. Then you can slay Slam Pieces the way Arnold killed everyone in that guerilla encampment

Theotis Brojangles said...

the twist fist pound
one fist pound that I think should become a signature bro pound is one that alot of people fail to learn or even remember how to do. It is called the twist fist pound. It would not start off like a regular (fist parralell) pound, but instead it would star off like a fist cross, for da beginner bros thats (+). Once u have made contact with ur fellow bro in this fashion, both bros twist their fist until they are in fashion of an original fist pound. Any questions feel free to hit me up on facebook bro cha chos.

Anonymous said...

Bros! its all about the mother fucking knucks/broment

Anonymous said...

This comes more in use when you are in motion and while walking to a party or class and you see a bro walking toward you, its Epic when both of you pretend you haven't noticed each other, and all of a Sudden BOOM hi-5 and a down low ( also called reverse 5 )

.Its a variation of this move called the 360-5, it when after the high 5 is done, both of you do a 180 degree pivot simultaneously (if its your right hand, you move counter clockwise, almost like changing lanes or like a basketball pivot ) and do a downlow, you complete your 360 degree turn and you continue on your way...takes the same time as a normal hi-5 downlow...( Requires Practice)

Anonymous said...

Hey NYB. as a fellow bro that likes this site. i have thought up a pretty genius post to add to the complete list of things bro's like. you should add a post titled brocabulary. "vocabulary words that have been altered to include the word bro". what do you think?

Tim said...

In Jacksonville me and several other bros partake in the "turkey" and "snail". The turkey is done by misleading your bro into going for a high five then you hit him in the center of the palm with a closed fist with your thumb sticking out and yelling out turkey. When executed it will resemble a turkey and everyone will laugh at this and it's a great way to gauge how drunk you and you bros are getting because when drunk the turkey happens every few seconds. The snail is misleading your bro into going for a fist pound then you stick out your pinky and index finger and go under the fist pound so that your fingers are the antennas and your bros hand is the shell. There are other variations such as the Mexican where your hand goes over your bros high five but if he's quick enough he can counter it by slapping your hand and yelling out border patrol. It's pretty bro

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