Tuesday, August 25, 2009

#66 Arguing About Whether A Girl Is Hot

You've been in one of the worst slumps of your life. The last three girls you went home with seriously could have been cast members of the Addams Family. Your bros have had a fucking field day busting your balls and you're determined to put an end to it. You decided, “From here on out, quality – not quantity.” Only problem was, there has been no quality to be found. That is of course until tonight. You met her out at the bar and before last call you were back at her place pounding steel like John Fucking Henry. Not only is she easy as shit – but she is pretty fucking hot. Sure she might be a little too skinny and didn’t really have that big of a rack, but you know who else is like that? Every fucking model out there. You basically just fucked a model, so you are feeling pretty proud walking home and can't wait to go brag to your bros. You swing the door open set to receive high fives from everybody only to find half your bros pointing and laughing at you.

“So what was it like banging Haley Joel Osment?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Bro – that bitch looked like a little boy – has she even hit puberty yet?”
“Dude, shut the fuck up – she was fucking hot!”
“Honestly, did she even need to wear a bra or was it just there to support the wadded up toilet paper?

You stick to your guns and a few of your bros even agree with you that she was hot, but after about 2 hours of this type of back and forth, you come to the crippling realization that your cold streak is still alive.

While bras are busy wasting time by talking about things such as how much longer they have until menopause, bros are devoting their time to much more important matters: determining once and for all whether a girl is hot. Bros love to do this for slam pieces they or their bros have hooked up with. As you would expect, the bro who hooks up with the slam piece will more than likely cling to the fact that she was hot. At the same time all his bros will rip her to fucking shreds, because now, since he’s banged her, anything you say about her is a direct rip on your bro.

Bros aren't always cruel. Often times, they will give some constructive criticism on how the slam piece in question can become hot. For example, say her nose is on the larger size, a bro might suggest she “take a chisel to that fucking beak.” Or maybe she could stand to lose a couple pounds – bros might suggest she “experiment with the anorexia diet for a few weeks.” While bros love ganging up on girls behind their backs, if a girl is truly hot as shit, bros will defend her honor to the grave.

Every college campus has them. Drop dead knockouts that could seriously be in Playboy. While most colleges probably have thousands of girls that fit this description, my College was far more concerned with admitting girls who looked as though they had spent time living under a bridge collecting tolls than hot ones. Regardless, we still had a few girls that every bro agreed were hot as shit. When bros see the hot girl, they will comment on the terrible things they would do to her or just yell out “God Damn, she is fucking hot as shit!" But every once in awhile some fucking bro hater might say some shit like, “I've seen her without makeup on - she’s not even that hot.” Bad fucking move. If you ever make a statement like this, you damn well better be prepared to answer some hard-hitting questions such as “Seriously, are you gay?” “How could you be so fucking blind?” “At what point did your parents realize you are autistic?” or "Why don't you go lick some more windows on your short bus you fucking retard?" Bros will get so enraged by this that they will nearly come to blows until the fucking bro hater admits that the girl is hot as shit. Seriously, rag on a bro’s mother as much as you want, but whatever you do – don’t ever call a smoking hot girl busted.

52 comments:

Broski said...

I'm just gonna throw this out there: anything over 150 isn't hot, and that is pushing it... unless the bitch is like 6'2" and in that case you better be a fucking giant. I think we should just set some bro ground rules about hotness, and I'm getting it started. feel free to add.

On another note, hotness is not the same as bangability, which me and my bro's believe should be based on a binary system of 0's and 1's. Enough of the 1-10 scale, that is for hotness. If your bro asks if you would bang a girl, she is either a 0 (no chance in hell) or a 1(under the correct circumstances I would tap the shit out of that). Just clarifying the difference between hotness and whether a bro would bang a chick.

shaquille bro'neal said...

broski,

I completely agree. I have been using the binary scale for about 5 years now and it is all you need. There are far less altercations between bros when this system is implemented.

You would or you wouldn't, its simple.

enough of this 1-10 scale nonsense, i could care less if you banged a 10 or a 6(keep in mind bros only bang slam pieces above a 5). smashing is smashing and odds are you were drunk and can't tell the difference, nor could your blacked out bros.

The one exception to the rule - Two "4's" make an 8, so thats ok

CraigB said...

I can't decide whether to be shocked or proud. I thought my friends and I were the only bros smart enough to be living on the binary, but I should never doubt bros in different area codes. Well played.

Rick BROtino said...

Thank god bros are getting smarter. the whole 1-10 scale is crap anyways. It just become a drama arguement between different bros tastes, but bottom line is they would all fuck her regardless of being a 9 to "bro A" or an 8 to "bro B". they are just numbers and it doesnt even fucking matter. the real matter is that if a bro wont fuck an "8" because her "beak is too big" or "if she was a 9, then i would" that is just bullshit and ur not a true Bro. however with enough alcohol an 6 can turn into a 9 so thus the binary scale is the only way to go. Its that simple, either you fuck her or you dont.

-ihsv

Broski said...

figures BROtino. I like your style.

-ih

Bron Paul said...

Very constructive comments. Fucking slampieces is not an art it is an occupation. The more we can simplify it, the more we can get done.

Bro-Bo Cop said...

Thank god all of bro's unite and finally agree on the utter bro-ficiency of the Binary Fuck Scale.

If only remembering their names was as easy.

Freshly Made Broagie said...

Fuck ya bros. I luv hot bitchez.

All I do is pound hoes. Great post. Another one that describes me so well.

I have gotten so skilled at pounding slam pieces, that my pick up line is now this- I walk up to them, stand there waiting for them to look at me (if they haven't), and when they do I just say, "Yo, lets go... we're fuckin." Always works for me.

The binary scale is great idea. I been using it for years... I probably invented it. Another great girl from BROAGIE to bros all over the world. U are welcome!

FUCK THE BRO HATERS

Brodham said...

Our DOFF developed a ranking system.
Hotness is measured in three degrees:
1. No test – I don’t give a shit, do you see how fucking hot she is? I’d bang her out no questions asked.
2. Test – Yes she’s defiantly fuckable, but is it really the burning when you pee. Come back with a clean STD test and we’ll talk.
3. Save your money – She’s busted, not even worth the effort to find out if she has the hiv.
This is of course cross referenced by how dirty you think she is. An ugly “virgin” can squeak by with a test and cute whore might not be worth the money because you know she has something.

BENNY BOY said...

The skinny girl you banged fits the description perfectly of the new girl on #47 Entourage. What is this bitch like 12?? And if she lost her rat face and grew some tatties she too would become hot. Bros are the shit.

Bro in Chicago said...

Gotta agree with my bros, most girls you'd either fuck or you wouldn't. That said, you know the sixes are getting taken out the back door in the morning before your fellow bros get up. An eight or nine you might parade around a little bit before showing her the door.

One of my bros and I never agree on if a girl is hot, and it ends up working out for the better. If one of us ends up not sealing the deal by the end of the night, the other one is always like "she was fucking ugly anyway..."

bilBRObaggins said...

i like to use the bag system...1 bag for her face...2 bags-1 for her face and 1 for yours...or 3 bags-1 for her face, 1 for your face, and 1 for your bro that might be watching. beauty is only a light switch away bros.

Kermit the Brog said...

I FUCKED 8 SLUTS JUST MINUTES AGO!

Anonymous said...

there are also the following issues my bros and i always debate
1) is a sororstitute hot enough to justify her becoming a perma-shacker, and let her get as close as a bro will ever have to a girlfriend
2) is a sororstitute too ugly to become a backup plan when a bro needs to slay something
3) is that bitch a swampdonkey or worthy slampiece
these questions plague my bros and i, and should be debated by every circle of bros!
ihsv

Shaquille bro'neal said...

Brother,

Perma shackers are never justiiable. I used to bang one a few years back nicknamed super shacker 5000(she would shack at the frat house for days depending on who's room was left open and unlocked or who would fuck her that day) It took a few good bros of mine to help me drop this slam piece. Don't fall for a shackers best quality, convienence.

Ihsv

Rick BROtino said...

HAHAHA, completely agreed Bro'neal.

Amy F. = Ultimate Shacker 5000 and Tessa was up there too.

Beware Brothers, PermaShackers are like herpies, they always hang around even when you try to get rid of them. It takes a good BROmie to help you realize you gotta kick her to the curb. Fuckin Lingerers man.....

-ih
no joke

Bronopoly said...

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned the Area Code Rating System. Aka, the ACRS. In this rating system you rate the girls face 1-10, binary fuck scale 0/1, then body 1-10.

For instance if she has a face around a 6, she's a 1 in the binary, and has a body of a greek goddess (9), you'd say

"That slut is a 619"

Rusty TromBROne said...

i rate sluts by how slutty they are. in my system, every woman in the world is considered a slut (because they all are). actually, there is no rating. i just refer to every woman as a slut.

Bron Paul said...

If you hadnt established that every Bra is a slut by the time you where old enough to get a hard on, you are obviously not a bro. That is an underlying theme in every true bros life. I love all the rating systems.

Collin said...

Rusty you just sound poor - like poor quality of humor type poor.

Bro-bo Cop said...

There is nothing funny about Rusty. Nothing, he is the furthest thing from a Bro, he probably rushed the band frat.

Bro Vaughn said...

My bros and I have decided that a 6 (on the 1-10 scale) is the perfect type of slampiece. Anything higher than a 6 acts like shes way hotter than she is, thus making bros work way harder than desired. Anything lower than a 6 needs to be returned to the slime infested swamp that it came from. A 6 can leave the frat after a night of shacking without giving fellow bros ammunition.

Rusty TromBROne said...

Collin, you sound gay. Like 100% gay kind of gay. Have fun with your gayness and stuff...

Anonymous said...

sick site, but where's the post about packing dips, smoking weed and blowing coke

BroRock Lesner said...

Binary is the way to go - god i hope i fall face first into a slampiece coot tonight

Anonymous said...

http://digg.com/comedy/How_to_Avoid_Being_a_Stupid_LA_Slampiece

Anonymous said...

yeah binary scale is the way to go. Makes for less argument amongst bros and more time for blacking out and grindin' slampieces. If there is a debate about a slampiece whether she is a 1 or 0, shes probably a 0

BROBE BRYANT said...

AHAHAHA YESS the fuckin binary scale i jus entered my sophomore year at binghamton (soo many frosh sluts and a top teir university look it up if u haven heard bout it) and i love the fuckin scale

Bro Dirt said...

Bighamton? Where the fuck is that? No school in the entire country has more slam pieces then Arizona State. Want to know the best part? They are all dumb as shit and whores. Being a bro at ASU is a small preview of what Heaven is going to be like.

Teddy Brosevelt said...

ASU - where the sluts are half as smart and thus twice as likely to fellate you

Anonymous said...

Bros, it is all about the area code system now. You like the 1-10? Check. You like the binary system? Got that too. Ready?

Every biddie gets a three digit number:
first digit: 0-9; face.
second digit: 0 or 1, would you hit that shit or not.
third digit: 0-9; body.

The genius of this system is the stealth. You devise some cover, pretend you need somebody's area code while nodding in a slut's direction, he evaluates her with a three digit number and no one's the wiser.

Anonymous said...

Why does one need so many rating systems for a slam pieces the ultimate goal is to bang em in the end so therefore the only code you need is the binary system. rating a girl on her face and body is the same as saying you would bang them

tikobrohey said...

my bros and i go to broginia tech...we dont use scales at our parties to snipe fat bitches...we just have our bro that is legally a midget try to hug the girl...if his tiny arms cant clasp wrists on the other side she fails and is walking her fat ass home to lose some unneeded calories.

medward said...

the binary system is the way to go. bros are the shit.
ihsv

BROad Head said...

the binary system has made brodism much easier. here is a list of 3 rules when deciding if this slutty whore bra is a worhty slampiece or some busted rosie o'donnel look a like

1. you can feel fat, you cant feel ugly
2. if you cant pork a princess, pound a pig for practice
3. beauty is only a light switch away

bernie brozar said...

been living by the binary for years when it comes to slayin, never doubted it was a bro-like quality. binary is bro as fuck, goddamn bros are fuckin rowdy

Brokin said...

no way 1-10, bros love to argue

and the area code, genius

Anonymous said...

what about the bro who likes the meaty girl? or a cougar?

Captain Bro-rgan said...

I go to the University of Michigan, notorious for our ugly fucking girls. No slam pieces here. That's an overstatement. We have some fucking hot as shit girls. My roommates and I implemented binary during welcome week and it hasnt failed. We never have to mess around with girls who one bro says is a 6 and another bro says is a 4. No one ever took home a questionable 1, why? because they were a 1. Bros using binary are careful when assigning the 1. They don't want to be seen as someone who bangs other guy's 0's. This is what makes binary works.

Brony Montana said...

The age old bro question is whether a hot slam piece's personality can make her a 0? This is the 1 based on looks alone but if she opens her mouth you want to punch her in the fucking face. No amount of alcohol can make you want to be in the same room as her. As shakespeare once put it "To fuck or not to fuck".

Anonymous said...

One rule when nailing slam pieces. would you be ashamed to tell your bros. if yes, don't do it.

The Man With Bro Name said...

Me and my bros like to use the "dropper" scale. We assign a slampiece a number that equals the number of pounds she needs to drop to be fuck-able while you are sober. (5 pounds overweight = "five-dropper", 20 pounds overweight = "twenty-dropper", etc)

So the lower the girl's dropper score, the fitter (and generally hotter) she is. It's sort of like a golf handicap for whores.


We have a rule that a bro is immune from ridicule after banging a fatty - as long as he first drinks at least the same number of beers as her "dropper" rating.

For example - say a bro gets a booty-text from a slampiece that needs to lose around 10 pounds:

Bro #1: "Bro - I just got a text from Annie. She's totally down to fuck."

Bro #2: "Bro, that bitch is a ten-dropper. Better crush the rest of that case of Natty first - you're only like 5 beers deep right now."


We also make sure that slampigs were well aware of their dropper rating. In addition to being a great motivator for them to get in shape, it reminds them of their primary purpose in life - to be a receptacle for bro-splooge.

Damn it feels good to be a Bro.

d00d said...

Surprised no one said brown bag it yet...

Anonymous said...

Me and my bros use the color system when it comes to fuckability.

Green- she is ready to ride

Yellow- if i've been drinking (which is always)

Red- Fuck no

The Masshole said...

Me and my bros just go with the straight "Would" or "Wouldn't" system. We get right to the point.
Excellent post though NYB

Anonymous said...

while it is true that the binary is the most effective and efficient in terms of banging, if you and your bros are bored and need some debate, it is worth the time to evaluate using the area code system. it gives the brommunity something to do that brocist america cant

Brodega said...

My bros and I use a two-part scale.


The first is your standard hotness scale, (1-10).

The second is a bonus score where the slampiece gets extra points for each sex act she has been known to perform (I'm not talking about giving BJ's or fucking - those are simply expected to happen automatically and don't count as a bonus).

Examples of bonuses:

Swallows = +1 point
Takes facials = +1 point
Tit-fucks = +1 point
Deepthroats = +2 points
Does anal = +2 points
Does threesomes = +3 points
Gives blumpkins = +5 points

Anonymous said...

no such thing as too fat or too ugly for a blow job. in fact the ugliest girls give out the best blow jobs cause they have to find a way to make up for the fact that they look like a science experiment

Anonymous said...

lower your standards, increase your average.

Female said...

Advise: Nothing makes me not want to fuck you, more than when you yell "DAMNN!"
A calm "Your Hot." would go a lot further.
Also area code is the way to go!

-919.5 signing out

The Man With Bro Name said...

^Advice: no one cares what slams think.

We can say pretty much whatever the fuck we want to at bars - you'll still end up fucking us later because we're Bros and bitches can't resist that shit.

Anonymous said...

It's simple if you fuck enough women you go after anything will sedate the urge and is acceptable physically. The important thing is that you start rating the vagina that fits your scale. A perfect 10 is tight with a deep enough cavity and lubricates on her own, points are added based on fucking caliber.

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