Wednesday, July 15, 2009

#49 Not Calling Girls When You Say You Will

When bros are out getting fucked up, there is one thing they are thinking about: getting laid. They will go to amazing extremes to accomplish this. One of the most popular methods is pretending they are actually interested in the girl. Jokes on her though – everyone knows bros don’t have feelings. Anyways, after suffering through a half hour of learning about meaningless things like her job, the college she attended and what she wants to do with her life, its finally sexy time. Mission accomplished. Now comes the interesting part. “Let me see your cell phone,” she says. Since you will do pretty much anything to get her out of your apartment, you oblige. She then types in her cell # with her name, which is good because you had already forgotten it. “Call me sometime, let’s go to dinner or something.” After she bounces you quickly change her name to the name of the bar you met her at followed by “slam piece” so you can remember her. Oh she’ll be called for some dinner – but unfortunately for her the only item on the menu will be Italian Sausage.

There have been many tragedies in the history of bro-kind, but none compares to the catastrophe that occurred in 2004. Things were going well for bros, they were getting fucked up and nailing slam pieces left and right without consequence. That’s when it happened. The “Mein Kampf” directed against bros. The six words that will haunt bros forever. “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Now any true bro will rise above the social disaster that is this book, and to be quite honest it creates a positive challenge for bros. Girls now realize the game we play when we never ask them out on dates and text/call them at 2am to hang out and that is fucked up. If the girl didn’t want to become a late night booty call she should have never gotten involved with a bro. Trying to get a bro to commit to a relationship is like trying to turn a gay man straight. Shit just doesn’t work. Seriously, what the fuck are they thinking.

Bros also love never calling girls they get phone numbers from at the bar. Getting a phone number is such a huge ego boost to a bro and sometimes knowing you can bang a slam piece is even better than having to go through any effort of banging said slam piece. Bros often will ask for a girl’s number at the bar with the intention of banging her that night, and if it doesn’t happen they will be deemed as worthless.

But what happens if you run into the slam piece again? Won’t it be awkward? Not at all. You can go down one of two roads. If the slam piece is absolutely busted, go for the #12 pretending not to remember her route. But my favorite and what is most likely going to get you laid is this route. Quickly change her number by one digit in your phone. This works best if she approaches you first asking why you never called. Say you “did call but she gave you the wrong number,” then really give it to her by saying you “thought you had a connection and called to ask her out, but found out she just gave you the wrong number on purpose.” This makes the slam piece think you really care about her and within the hour the deal will be closed.

Bros: 1. “He’s Just Not That Into You”: 0.

19 comments:

Luke's Younger Brother said...

What is better than not calling 1 girl? 2 girls. I had these two, count them two, slampieces at once and didnt call either of them back. I saw one of them later, but in true bro fashion I #12ed her.
Bro...the only way to go

Anonymous said...

Please consider posting on the following topics...

1. Fake Cans
2. Bruno Movie
3. Banging work chicks and acting like it never happened.
4. Fantasy Football
5. Pamela Anderson (aka. Marilyn Monroe of our generation)

BENNY BOY said...

You know what is also great? Not answering. This shows three things:
1. I am very important and barely have the time to answer my cell.
2. The slam piece's number came up on the caller id and you avoided it, thus helping your chances by making her feel like shit.
3. You are probably banging some slam piece as the call is being made, thus rendering it possible to answer the call.
Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

Bros love 300.

Anonymous said...

"He's Just Not That Into You" is the bible of slam pieces and the book of the devil to any bro. Whoever wrote that book is the bro-devil.

Bro in Chicago said...

Keeping the number in the phone can come in handy. You're out with your bros and you have to play wingman and take out a bogie bra DOFF, or you're not just on top of your game that night. You start texting the broad who put her number in your phone around 1:30AM, and she's got her lips around your dick by 3.

Bro Montana said...

Just to play a little bro-devil's advocate, are we bros sure that "He's Just Not That Into You" is such an anti-bro book? I have never read the book and don't really know much about it, but it sounds to me that a book telling slam-pigs that bros "aren't into them" would be a good thing for bros.

If you follow my bro-gic, if bras realize that bros "aren't that into them" after getting crammed, then wouldn't a bra be less likely to bother a bro in the future with their bra bullshit (i.e. "why don't you like me" "why are you sucking face with my best bra-friend right in front of me" "why won't you pay child support for the mini-bro-hater you created")? Would this not afford bros more time for acquiring future ex-slam-pigs instead of dealing with ghosts of slam-pigs past?

I will qualify my argument though. If "He's Just Not That Into You" is in any way an empowerment to bras, or makes them feel better about themselves, or stops any bro from beatin slam cakes, then I agree that this book is the work of Bro Satan.

Anonymous said...

bros also like hooking up with a prior slams's "besties." who's your best friend now? muahhaha

Brostradamus said...

I went to NYC recently one weekend to bro out. I met some broad at the bar, went back to her place and couldn't get it up at first. When I eventually did she refused to have sex with me. Long story short, to spite her I drank all her booze, blacked out,passed out and woke up the next morning and left. While leaving She mentioned that she wanted to get dinner, so I told her sure, let's do tonight at 7pm, I'll call you. My flight back left at 3pm; bros are the shit.

Cross said...

Hey Brostradamus, the great thing about being a Bro is that you can blame your sudden dysfunction on her. Nothing makes a Bra feel worse than thinking it's her fault that a man can't function sexually.

Anonymous said...

You should do a post on the ultimate bro of all time, thats right Polk High's very own Al Bundy

Bro Jackson said...

proper brotocol states that bros should never give excuses because bros don't give a fuck about a bitches feelings. being a bro is the shit.

legallyBlonde said...

I am the bro-hunter/bro-slayer. Its like an addiction; the more bro-tastic, the better. It started with Frat bros and lax bros and now I pursue bros as a full time job. Am I ever burned? Well, daily doses of Bro-God Tucker Max keep my silly girl feelings in check. I've learned to think only with the kitty and its paid off thus far. oh, and I fucking love this site.

Bro Namath said...

slam pieces will believe any absurd lie a bro tells them. bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

Shit I'm 14 and I do that shit to slam pieces already. It feels great knowin that you made the bitch feel good then you shut her down by callin the slam a whore. I just wanna say thanks to ya Bros. By helpin me get a jump start on the true bro world. Bros are the shit

Bro Tastic said...

Slam Pieces were only put on this earth for one thing.... Slamming!

Anonymous said...

hi. im a girl. i think this is the funniest fucking thing i have ever seen. like is this a joke? i know so many girls who go out to get one night stands. and dont want to give out their numbers cause yes.. we all have been stalked by you "bros" looking to get ass again. i can honestly say sex (yes sex.. not banging.) is great. i love it. so do all my friends. so shut the fuck up when you say that girls have no fucking clue. we know more then you think.. sorry? hahahaha. nott.

Broregon Duck said...

^^ it's so funny when bras are delusional enough that they think they're actually in control, when really they're just being branipulated.

Anonymous said...

the only thing better than pretending to not know a slam pieces name, or who they are... actually not knowing, not giving a fuck, and slamming them anyway. slam pieces don't have names and faces to remember, they have wet holes and that's it. that's all that matters to a bro. and that anonymous chick that posted shit, aka bro-hating beached whale, you may know of the game. however, bro's are the elite members of society and you seem to forget that regardless of if you know that a bro isn't that into you... he's still gonna end up fucking slamming the shit out of you and never calling you again. but you, personally, are probably not a target of bro unless you are a #125 Rebound, have # Fake Tits, or are a bro's #78 Slump Buster. bitches don't know any better, so stop being a bro-hater and go back to your job with the other hefers working in your chik-fil-a commercials. and NYB, this is a fucking great post.

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