You’re at the beach on a #21 Bros Only Vacation. Obviously you packed like 10 bros into a hotel room so you are only paying like $15 a night. Fucking genius. You’re out at the bar getting absolutely hammered and hitting on anything that walks. That’s when you spot her across the bar. The target. Sure her face is average at best, but she has a pretty solid rack and keeps checking you out and smiling. You approach her and ask her name, it might as well just be “slam piece” because there is no way in hell you are remembering it. One thing leads to another and before you know it you have been making out with her for an hour and the bar is closing down. She’s obviously DTF (down to fuck) so, knowing all your bros are back in your hotel room snorting No-Doze and slamming brews, you suggest going back to her place. That’s when she drops it on you – “I’m staying in a hotel room with my parents.” Fuck. What the fuck are you going to do? That’s when you remember – I’m a fucking bro – nothing gets in the way of my late night pounding session. Time to improvise. Somehow, through your 14 hours of drinking haze, you think back to a Gazebo by the Ocean and after 30 seconds of convincing the slam piece (it’s not that hard, after all she is a whore) you make the 4 block trek. Next stop: Bonetown.
I seem to recall saying this before, but bros fucking love banging slam pieces. Honestly, does it get any better than bragging to all your bros the next day about the slaying you did the night before? Yes, it does. By being able to honestly say that you banged in a place that’s not a bed, not only will you get a shitload of bro points, but you will also provide bro points to your bros for simply knowing you. Being about to tell a shitload of stories about where you’ve banged is essential for any aspiring bro king. Not only does it tell others that you get laid all the time, but it shows that you are so fucking amazing that slam pieces will bang you anywhere. Here are a couple key points for any epic non-bedroom banging spot:
Public – Yeah sure, banging in your hotel bathroom is cool and all, but come on, there’s a fucking lock on the door, there’s no fucking danger in that. In order to get a shit load of bro cred, you’re going to want to do the dirty somewhere that you can get caught. A couple years ago one of my bros, the big guy, banged a girl on the beach. “Oh who hasn’t banged a girl on the beach, you’re not bro at all!!” Shut the fuck up. Not only did he bang her on the beach, but he did it when the sun was up at like 7am. Oh and did I mention he could see children playing on the nearby condo porch? Don’t worry; they were hidden by the garbage cans on the beach, so they were straight. The thrill of possibly getting caught is topped only by getting caught. Anytime you can say, “Yeah, some old man told us to stop banging, but I told him to go fuck himself and kept pounding away,” you have had a good night.
The More Ridiculous The Better – Anytime that you can get the response of “What the fuck is wrong with you?” followed by a fist pound and an “I’m proud to be your bro,” you have done your job. By being able to both shock and amaze fellow bros, you get a shit load of bro points. Imagine strolling back into your #32 Bro Pad the next morning and having this conversation:
“So where the fuck did you go last night?”
“Oh nowhere special, just nailed that blonde chick inside the Goat Cage at the fucking Petting Zoo!!”
How amazing would you be then? All your bros would go fucking apeshit and start calling and texting everyone. This is how legends are made. This is how bro kings find their throne.