It’s fucking freezing and you don’t know where the fuck you are. Your head is pounding and the only reason you’re awake is because some fucking rooster just crowed. As you look around to try to understand what’s going on, you see a donkey and a shitload of chickens. At first you think you’ve been kidnapped and shipped to some Third World country, but then you see the animals have food and aren’t being forced to fight, so it’s clear: you’re still in America. Thank God.
You pull out your iPhone to check out your location. It’s pretty obvious you’re in some sort of petting zoo, but it’s not like you know where the local petting zoos are. As your Maps app loads up your location, you nearly drop your phone on your pillow/donkey shit when you see where you are. You’re like 15 miles from your house. What the fuck happened? You try to piece it together, but up until about 5 minutes ago, everything was darker than Lebron James’s heart. The last thing you remember is taking that fucking Four Horseman shot some random guy bought you after he witnessed you slap a sandwich out of a fat girl’s hands and scream, “DON’T YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH!” After waking your #117 bitch bro’s ass up to come pick you up, you start to think of what happened last night and you can’t help but laugh. While some might consider blacking out 8 hours of their life, only to wake up with their head in some farm animal’s shit to be a sign they need immediate professional help, bros realize what it really means: you just had an awesome fucking night.
Blacking out is the fucking shit. I always love all those bro-hater campaigns claiming you might have a #124 problem if you “experience a loss of memory when drinking.” Fucking please, who the fuck actually goes out and remembers the whole night? What the fuck are we supposed to do? Drink two beers over the course of eight hours? I’d rather be fucking dead.
Blacking out is the absolute epitome of being a bro. I mean just think about it – you’re forcing so much alcohol into your system that your brain literally stops working. It’s pretty much like your mind thinks your body is dead. How fucking awesome is that? You’re like some fucking bro zombie! But blacking out doesn’t mean the night is over – it’s just getting started. Much like the undead, a blacked out bro will go hunting for brains, but the brains bros are interested in don’t come from human skulls – they come from slam pieces. Here’s a few things that make blacking out so great.
The Stories – Ask any bro and I’m sure he’ll tell you 9 out of the top 10 nights of his life involved some sort of blackout. It’s a proven scientific fact that the more bros drink, the better the fucking story they have the next day. I always love those nights where I know the blackout is coming. I’ll order my drink then make my way around the bar shaking my bros’ hands and telling them I’ll see them tomorrow. That’s when fucking magic happens. Waking up the next morning and having all your bros tell you all crazy shit you did the night before is about as bro as it fucking gets.
Fat Girl Free Pass – Let’s just make one thing clear – a bro is not responsible for any actions he takes when he’s blacked out. Nowhere is this truer than when it comes to the girls they hook up with. Every bro’s got that one fucking fat skeleton in their closet - she’s not a #78 slump buster or anything, she’s more like a character from “Where The Wild Things Are.” One of my bros woke up one morning after a pretty legit blackout next to what he described as a “1/3 out of 10.” He was angry. So angry in fact that he #55 destroyed his own bedroom door while she was still in bed. Sure we could have made fun of him, but we realized there was nothing he could do. Hooking up with a fat chick while blacked out is a devastating tragedy that could strike any bro at ANY time, therefore we forgave him.
Great Excuse – Sure it doesn’t get much better than finding out you and your bros pretended you were pirates while blacked out and went digging for “treasure” in the local graveyard, but sometimes it isn’t all harmless fun and games. While, by definition, a bro is never embarrassed by his actions, things might be said under blackout conditions that could potentially get you into trouble. For example, after a typical blackout night, there’s always that chance that a bro wakes up next to the girl he just #139 dumped the week before. At first it might not seem like a big deal – it was bound to happen before long – I mean, she really only has so many chances at banging a bro. But then she might start talking about “the conversation” you had last night and how it’s so great that you’re “back together.” Fuck that. That’s when you immediately spit out the eight words that have saved bros since the beginning of fucking time: “If I can’t remember it, it didn’t happen.” Just like that you’re single and ready for another night of drinking until you don’t have any fucking brain activity.
Bros fucking love drinking. Much like everything you put into your body, drinking causes side effects. While bro-haters contend that blacking out is a negative consequence, bros understand that it’s truly one of God’s greatest inventions. This weekend as you’re downing that fourth Long Island Iced Tea and it seems like the lights are beginning to flicker – don’t start pacing yourself. Cheers your bros, tell them good night, chug your drink, and strap in – it’s gonna be a fucking amazing ride.