Thursday, December 9, 2010

#145 Blow Jobs

Holy shit, you’re about to fucking lose it. After heading back to the hottest girls in your class’s place you draw a blank and can’t remember her fucking name. Sure you never remember your slam pieces’ names, but this shit is different. This is a once in a College career opportunity and you’re fucking scared if she finds out you don’t know it, you’ll be the one getting fucked. As she goes into her room to slip into “something more comfortable” aka #95 Victoria’s Secret new line of Boner-wear, you start to do some Encybropedia Brown detective work. After rummaging through her purse, and subsequently washing your hand off from when her Tampon touched it, you finally find it. You’re ready for Pound Town. Just then, she emerges from her bedroom in her outfit. She might as well have her tickets in hand because there’s only one place this train is going.

The boring obligatory make-out session gets started, but you can barely close your eyes. “Am I really about to bang her? She’s the hottest fucking girl in school!” you ask yourself. Answer: of course you are, you’re a fucking bro. She should be the one thanking God for the opportunity. Just as you’re ready to check her off your slay-list, she stops and utters four of the worst words a bro could ever hope to hear: “Let’s take it slow.” Under normal circumstances, you’d just fucking storm out of there and scream at her for wasting your time, but times have been tough and it’s been like two weeks since you’ve gotten any action, so you decide to compromise.

“I could take it slow,” you reply. She tries to start making out again, but you just point down. “Ahem, minimum Speed Limit is one BJ per hour.” Just like that, you enter the fucking Thunder Dome. While our economy may be in fucking shambles, there’s always one job that slam pieces can get during a Recession, and luckily for them, there’s only one requirement for employment: “Applicant Must Swallow.” Bros fucking love blow jobs.

I really don’t know who the first person in history to get a blow job was, but one thing’s for sure: he was a fucking Bro King. I guess this is what slam pieces did before they had facebook and shit. They just sat around trying to figure out new ways to pleasure their man. You have to believe there were some other failed experiments before they arrived at a BJ. Like was eyeball licking ever a thing? Armpits definitely had to be in play at some point, right? I could definitely see Mark Antony banging Cleopatra’s armpit, you know, just to mix shit up. Regardless of how people started doing it, blow jobs are here to stay, and bros fucking love that.

Blow jobs are the flashing lights and lowering gate at a railroad crossing – whenever they happen, you know the Pound Town Express can’t be far behind. But as #111 high school bros know, sometimes BJs are used in place of sex. Usually this is because the girl is “saving herself“ for marriage aka her first weekend of College when she gets wasted and bangs some random dude because he’s good as shit at #29 grinding.

Some bros might even argue that since you can do other shit while getting dome, it’s even better than banging. Bros fucking love telling stories of shit they’ve done while getting head. It doesn’t get much better than telling your bro, “Remember when we were talking on the phone yesterday? Yeah, I was getting a fucking BJ!” #13 Fist pounds and a shit load of “Blow Job” #4 chants often follow.

Bros recognize that blow jobs are a fucking art form. Every group of bros has that one girl, when anytime you mention her name, someone will automatically scream out, “Oh man, she gives the best head!” While irreparable physical deformities such as having a big nose can rarely be overcome in a bro’s book, I’ve seen girls improve #66 two whole points (from a 6 to an 8) strictly because of her blowing ability. By the same respect, giving a shitty blowjob can knock you down up to 4 whole points. The last thing a bro needs is a trip to the fucking emergency room due to a toothy blow job.

Now I’m sure there are some girls out there who are reading this and saying, “Uhhh, blow jobs? I don’t give out blow jobs! They’re disgusting!” Fucking please – if this describes you, you might as well make your 38th birthday resolution of artificial insemination now, because there’s no chance in hell anyone is going to want to fucking marry you. If blow jobs are so disgusting then why the fuck do all the girls in porn say they love it so much? It’s not like you’re a bro giving a slam piece a post-BJ kiss on the lips – now THAT’S disgusting. And don’t get me started on girls who only give out “BJs” when the guy is wearing a #24 condom. You know who else does that? That’s right, fucking hookers, that’s who. I’ve seen some sad shit in my day, but if you ever submit to wearing a condom while getting a BJ, not only are you not a bro, but you’re not a fucking man. Safety my ass – the only thing safe about it is the fact that it’s safe to say you’re fucking loser.

In many states, society thinks they have the right to determine what sexual positions we’re allowed to do. I for one think this is bullshit. This country was founded on freedom of expression, and to be honest there’s no greater expression than the look on a bro’s face while he’s getting a quality BJ. Blow jobs are patriotic as shit, and I’ll be damned if I just sit here and listen to some slam piece slander my fucking #63 Country. God Bless America. God Bless blow jobs.

49 comments:

Danil-Bro Gallinari said...

"While our economy may be in fucking shambles, there’s always one job that slam pieces can get during a Recession, and luckily for them, there’s only one requirement for employment: 'Applicant Must Swallow.'"

This might be your best one yet, NYB.

Chay the Brohemian said...

He's done it again. Amazing post. Bro's love to muilti-task. Getting puffed is best while driving, playing chaystation, pounding booze or smoking some kush, and watching sports. Bros also love dome when they are too hungover to move aka the first half hour after waking up wed-sun.

Anonymous said...

"Blowjobs are patriotic as shit"

Instant Classic. You've done it again NYB.

Anonymous said...

Bros love Slow Blows

Anonymous said...

I don't know how this post didn't include a reference to the power of the facial, but I assume that is soon to cum.

cheshire bro said...

You have done it again, some inspirational and quite amazing lines of work. Bros are the shit, and this post is the shit, NYB, your a bro king amongst bros.

Bromar Garciaparra said...

I've been waiting for this post forever. Though I wish you would have gotten into road head and more specifically getting domed up while you're #23 Drinking and Driving, who am I to fuck with NYB?

Anonymous said...

Another great post NYB

During a #35 pregame my sophomore year of college a slampiece pushed me into my bedroom and proceeded to give me head. While this was taking place I was #122 texting. She stopped with a pause for a second and said "Are you really texting?" I replied "yes," she then put her mouth back where it belonged and finished the job. Bros are the shit!

Smokey Broe's said...

You're not a Bro until you've made the sign Shaq used to make after dunking WHILE getting head. You know, the one where you lift your arms up, elbows out, hands bent backwards. (I've been scouring google images for this and can't find one pic)

My friend bet me $20 I wouldn't do this. It was well worth my slampiece asking "Why are you giggling?" while I was getting brain.

Brosner said...

Nothing pisses me off more then a failure to cradle the balls. Telling some slut off for failing at a BJ is rewarding as hell, it's then you correct her and tell her to start over, and this time do it right or GTFO.

Bros are the shit.

Danil-Bro Gallinari said...

One more thing I forgot to add:

Me and my bros were wondering the other day what the best form of multitasking during a BJ is. Too many to choose from, so we decided to combine them the next time we were with a slam piece. One of my bros gets head the next day (naturally) while drinking a 4Loko, playing Call of Duty, and with Animal House playing on his computer in the background. He texted us a few times in the middle as well. God, I love bros.

Double down trent said...

great post but easy on the length of these new ones bro. remember, bros hate reading

x"bro"x said...

my ex-girl gave me head while playing call of duty..chyeahhhh

The Man With Bro Name said...

Spot on, NYB. Bros love getting blow jobs.


You also nailed it when describing uppity bitches who don't give out the throat. My sophomore year I took this slampiece back to her dorm room after a sorostitute formal. She was all over me on the dance floor so I was expecting a little dome action before we got down to business. So we get naked and she's doing some lame handjob shit, and I gently motion her down to my bro pole for some sucky. She then proceeds to say "I don't really go down on guys. I'm not comfortable with it." I just stared at her for about 10 seconds, assuming she was kidding, but she said "seriously, I don't do that."

Without saying another word, I put my clothes back on and walked out of her room, never to call her again. Bros don't have time for that kind of bullshit.

I ended up getting head from two of her sorostitute sisters over the next year. I'm sure that made her feel pretty worthless. How the fuck did they even let her in the chapter? I thought sucking bro pole was part of every sorority initiation or something. I mean, what other purpose would a sorority serve other than to provide a training ground for slampieces to get better at banging Bros? Do these chicks really think we go to their formals because we give a shit about raising money for their stupid charity drives?

bromance said...

haha, this is a classic post, this one chick i hooked up with in #111 High School would only give me head but was holding out on the sex, one night as I preceded to direct her head to the feeding grounds she looked at me and goes, "honestly I hate giving head, its soo gross" to which i reply, "if youre not givin it up and you wont suck my dick then why do i listen to your problems at work? where you wanna get dropped off?" and just like that i never talked to the bitch again

Anonymous said...

Ask Beavis, I get nothing Butt Head!

Anonymous said...

Great Big L reference above. Bros love rap music

The Most Interesting Bro In The World said...

If she don't suck, we don't fuck.

Anonymous said...

NYB, you have had some good post, but this one is by far the best. Bro on Bros, pull that fucking pussy back home to the castle.

CanadianBro said...

At a company event this year, my bro got a BJ from a co-worker ten years his senior in the bathroom. When telling me the story the next day, he had to use pronouns, as he obviously forgot her name immediately. He took a 2-point lead in our inner office kill count challenge. Definitely a bro.

Brohemian Grove said...

Blow jobs are an essential part of any bro's weekly regimen. I think they're in the food pyramid right under carbs and protein.

Bro Gretzky said...

To fellow bros who are on here like me instead of studying for a fucking friday night 7pm exam for a class they havent been to since the shitty teacher called them out for being drunk in class on the tuesday before halloween best of luck

LTronHubbard said...

Recipe:

2 Beers (preferably Keystone)
1 Game where the Lakers lose
1 Slampiece giving brain
_______________________________
1 Happy bro.

Mix and repeat, bros. If necessary, slam more bronsons during the process.

12% BroJuice in a Can said...

Last time I was at a wedding, I had tractor-beamed a separated Jewish democrat who gave me a partial blumpkin in one of the luxury hotel bathrooms. I feel like I won't be a 4.0 official broDon until I get the full blumpkin. Bros love getting domepiece while taking a shit because it's humiliating and ultra-brolike. Fuck the world and fuck you!

Brotastic said...

Just gotta say, this was hands down one of the funniest and truest things I have ever read. Last week, when a girl gave me dome, she thought it was okay to spit it out, I just looked her and told her to lick it up. Bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

best post ever! holy shit!!!!! i think i need to go to the hospital because there is too much awesome in this post. BJ's are fucking amazing! (aim for the eye)

Anonymous said...

Back when I was still a bro in training as a girl was giving me head I gave her a warning that I was about cum. Was that a bitch move? Yes but I still wanted to be able to fuck her later. She stopped and I came. Then she said "so do you want me to lick it off you?"

Anonymous said...

Amazing post! I strongly agree with every topic on this website and I have been sharing it with all my bros ever since I found this site.

consider posting these topics
-Setting Records
-Seeing multiple slam pieces at once
-Chipotle
-Expensive Sound Systems

Brothello said...

I think I speak for everyone reading when I say "Duh". What else do bros like, breathing?

This has gotta be expanded upon, as touched on in earlier comments. Road Head, Getting a blowjob in a weird place, Dick Sucking Lips, shit like that. Bros also like all that shit.

Dono said...

Bros fucking love blowjobs. But more over Bros love 2 things in blowjobs. Bros love sluts without gag reflexes. But even more Bros love face fucking bitches with gag reflexes anyway.

Hosbetweenbros said...

Last weekend me and about 20 or 30 of my closest bros decided to get fucked up, as usual, at my parents cabin in aspen. We went out to make girls cry and get more fucked up and after a $2000 tab we wrangled some slampieces away from their sweater wearing bro-hater boyfriends and back to the cabin where we got about a dozen blowjobs. After they refused to blow our remaining bros we kicked them out then pelted their semen soaked faces and tits with snowballs from the deck upstairs. Also, we planned to pelt them with snowballs before they decided not to blow us all. Making girls cry is better when the tears turn to ice. Bros are tight.

Anonymous said...

I made a bet with my lady this summer at the local put put course. I said if I got a hole in one she would have to blow me in the cave on the 10th. Needless to say I mad the put and once we got to the 10th hole she was on her knees. Best part about it was that there was a family with small children right behind us on the 9th hole. God I love BJs.

Anonymous said...

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1755781713.html

<3 chase bro-cutt

Anonymous said...

It's so true, you can get so much done well getting a bj.
This summer my biddy gave me a bj while I watched Transformers (OR more accurately while I watched Megan Fox strut her hot ass across the screen)
Bros love BJ's

Dr. Christian Broy said...

Smokey Broe's, I may have found it. Shaquille Broneil: http://sportige.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/shaq.jpg

Anonymous said...

great post NYB, blowjobs is a classic pastime for a bro.

One of my friends got his first blowjob in 7th grade while he ate a oreo cookie and instructed the girl how to do it. epic. classic.

bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

One of my favorite moves is to rest my beer on top of the girls head during a dome session. Texting your friends is one thing, but once I had this girl on her knees and I was busy texting the next slampiece who I was going to meet up with at bars as soon as she finished. The girl knew what I was doing, but you better believe she finished anyway. She started to cry afterwards, but I was too busy grabbing a roadie and walking back to the bar to pretend to care.

As the bro flies said...

I once got a bj during while watching the cinematic masterpiece dunston checks in. It was fucking ibronic as shit.

Anonymous said...

Haha i love it. I'm a girl (yeah we read this shit too) and I don't get insulted by any means. It's hilarious. But how bout you guys post some comments on here about how to give the BEST bj.

forever bro said...

when i was 15 i convinced a hot chick to dome me. she was nervous, but abided. we were at some stupid bonfire a dumb bitch was having, so we walked to the park nearby and got domed at the top on the fucking playground. chill as shit.

Anonymous said...

College piece head is NOTHING compared to #39 Cougar head.
Just sayin. Cougarbrain FTW

Anonymous said...

gettin a girl to go down on the bro pole in the snow is definitely an instant classic. i recommend all bros try it.

BroLover said...

NYB, you're awesome. And any good girlfriend of a bro will enjoy giving him head all the time.

One time I blew my boyfriend while he was watching a football game and drinking a beer... and I wearing only his football jersey. It's one of my best stories yet.

Rachel said...

"Every group of bros has that one girl, when anytime you mention her name, someone will automatically scream out, “Oh man, she gives the best head!”

I'M THAT GIRL!!! Ha Ha I LUV me sum knob polishing! And da best be lotsa jizz at the end! Best time wuz da super bowl party...they all watched da came, drank beer and ate. I crawled around the room sucking dick! Can't wait fer the next party!

Rachel

Anonymous said...

rachel, ur desperate as fuck wow lol.

Brobi-Won-Kenobi said...

I think this piece deserves a BrOSCAR for Most Bro Post Ever Said

Anonymous said...

You're all pigs. Look at how you talk about women. Your brains are twisted and soured by all the porn you've watched. You really think the women are enjoying themselves in porn?... What a joke.

Bro said...

^Who gives a shit if the girls in porn are actually enjoying themselves? They're convincing enough to make it look like they are to those of us watching, which is really all that matters. Besides, they get paid pretty well to do nothing but lie on their back and take dick.

Now shut the fuck up and get back in the kitchen to make some sandwiches. But don't snack on anything while you're in there - judging by your angry tone you're probably a fatty.

Anonymous said...

Phone convo:
Guy calls friend: Yo bro, which party are you going to tonight?
Friend: Ross, I'm busy, call me back in 30.

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