Today has fucking sucked. Not only are you hungover as shit from spanking Franzia bladders all night, but you didn’t even get laid last night. Apparently the girl you were going to bang didn’t really like it when you chugged half the box of wine and proceeded to #48 violently throw up all over her designer purse. You tried to convince her she could just shove her money down her cleavage like a stripper, but the fucking bitch just stormed off – probably to go buy some tampons or something. If that wasn’t bad enough, your Mom keeps calling you to make sure you are coming to your Grandmother’s wake tonight. You try to explain to her that after last night’s kamikaze-cockblock you are in no shape to be viewing any dead bodies. She reminds you that you’ll find out what type of inheritance you’re getting so you reluctantly agree to go.
After spending most of the service trying to figure out if this hot blond chick in the third row is your cousin, you spot a familiar face in the back. It’s your bro Rich. You whip out your iPhone and text him.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Just paying my respects, bro,” he quickly replies.
You think nothing of it and get back to what you really came to do: eye-fuck girls that you might be related to. As the ceremony concludes and a line forms to view the body, you slowly make your way down the aisle. When it’s your turn, you kneel down and open your eyes, but Granny’s wrinkly old face has some company. Lying next to her head is a red-capped bottle full of white liquid and a note reading, “Ice In Peace, bitch.” Fucking Rich. You’ve just been iced.
Sure it’s your Grandmother’s wake but rules are rules – it’s time to take your fucking medicine. You grab the bottle, raise it in the air right in front of the coffin as your entire stunned family looks on. “This one’s for you Granny!” you scream as you drop to one knee. As Rich tears up the the aisle, laughing hysterically, all your bros who were hiding in the confessionals storm the casket #13 high fiving, chestbumping, and #4 chanting “You Got Iced!” At first you think everyone is in on it, but at second glance, Granny is definitely dead and your entire family is shaking their heads in slow disappointment. Fuck those bro-haters – if they didn’t want to see you chug a Smirnoff Ice on one knee in front of your dead Grandmother, then they shouldn’t have forced you to come. After all, you’re a bro – and you fucking love icing bros.
I don’t really know how this phenomenon came to sweep our country, but bros fucking love it. With the possible exception of ordering a drink just because “the girls were drinking it on Sex and the City,” Bros realize there is nothing less bro than drinking a Smirnoff Ice. Therefore, forcing your bro to drink an Ice is by far the ultimate insult. Adding to this insult is the fact that according to sacred bylaws, the Smirnoff Ice must be consumed while on a single knee aka “handicapped slam piece formation.” Bros can fight back though. By having an Ice on hand at all times, you can deflect the attack and force the Icer to become the motherfucking Icee.
Sure it’s fun as shit to force your bro to chug a drink normally used to provide teenage girls with the courage to give it up, but that’s not the point of Icing. Icing is fucking warfare. You need to hit your bros at the time they least suspect it in the place they least suspect it. Your bro about to take a final exam? Boom – Ice that bro. He in the middle off a Marathon? Ice his ass. Is he on his way to a court-ordered Alcohol class? You better fucking believe he’s getting Iced. Since bros are the smartest people on the planet, you fucking know they come up with some crazy ass places to Ice their bros.
Throughout the history of time, there have been certain social trends and ideals that when you hear of them, you laugh to yourself wondering how anyone could ever think they would work. Prime examples of this include Prohibition, monogamy, and that whole Women’s Rights Movement. But every once in awhile a cause comes along – a cause that gives people hope. I give you Icing - something that we can all finally believe in. Let’s Ice this fucking summer, bros.