It’s Saturday night and you are beyond fucked up. After holding down the #6 beer pong table for the past 7 hours, it’s time to move on to the main event of unprotected sex with a stranger. You’re headed to the ten-#19 kegger on Griffen when the worst fucking feeling in the world slowly starts to creep up on you like Brad Childress at a Chuck E. Cheese. You’re starting to get tired. Sure you’ve drank enough to kill a 13-year-old girl, but it’s only like 11 o’clock. You’re not fucking passing out now. You tell your bros you need a pit stop at 7-11 to wake the fuck up. As your bros check out the “Glutes” magazine and argue about which Black Girl has the biggest ass, you scope out your options. Coffee? Fuck that - you’re not some fucking #89 hipster headed to a Green Peace rally. You could grab a #43 Red Bull or 5 hour energy, but you’re trying to get more drunk, not sober up. That’s when you see it. Perched in it’s multicolor can – it’s the motherfucking Broly Water. While your bros are busy #2 stealing all kinds of shit they don’t even need, you give the cashier $3. It’s fucking worth it. You start chugging that shit before you even leave the store. Rest assured there will be no derailment for the Pound Town Express tonight – and it’s all thanks to one of the greatest inventions in the fucking world: Four Loko.
As you may have gathered from the past 143 posts – bros fucking love alcohol. But, unfortunately, one of its worst side effects, besides accidentally banging fat girls, is getting tired. While every bro knows there are plenty of energy drinks to combat this, bros realize that any non-alcoholic product is nothing more than a waste of fucking space in their body. That’s where Four Loko comes in. Four Loko is the equivalent of like 6 beers and two red bulls, which can even get your fucking #37 DOFF buzzing. Not to mention the fact that that shit is only like 3 bucks. What a fucking deal! Honestly, it’s so fucking cheap they should seriously consider just sending Four Lokos to all those starving kids in Africa. I mean, what do you think they’re gonna enjoy more, a fucking bowl of rice or 6 beers and two red bulls?
The great thing about Four Loko is that it’s not just a bunch of fucking hype. Shit is legit. You do crazy ass shit that would never fucking happen while drinking just boring plain alcohol. For example, one of my bros recently had two Four Lokos, went out to the bars like normal, but instead of just going home to his bed, he decided (or should I say Four Loko decided for him) to break into some random house and sleep there. How fucking awesome is that? Luckily they weren’t home so it’s one of those no harm no foul sort of things, but Four Loko literally caused him to commit a felony! Over the past couple months drunkenness hasn’t been measured with, “Yeah, we were drinking for like 10 fucking hours,” but rather, “Well, I had drank like 3 Four Lokos” and I for one think this is fucking amazing.
Unfortunately, much like anytime we as bros take an interest in something, society is working to shut us down. In perhaps the worst case of Brocism to ever emerge, the fucking Bro Hater Government is working to outlaw our favorite beverage. Their claims are that it’s “dangerous to our bodies” and that the “combination of alcohol and caffeine causes people to #23 drink and drive.” Fucking please. I’m not gonna sit here and listen to fucking Brocists tell me what I can and can’t put in my body. The government telling us that Four Loko isn’t good for our body is basically the same as telling girls they can’t get an #24 abortion. I mean, seriously, don’t they realize that bros are fucking genetically perfect? Besides, you know who the people getting sick as shit off of Four Loko are? Bro-haters. Just because some fucking losers can’t handle their Malt Liquor/Energy drink shouldn’t mean that bros should be forced to suffer. And don’t get me started about the people who have died because of the product. I heard somewhere that some girl drove into a pole after having just one Four Loko. Fucking please. Did anyone ever consider that the reason she got in an accident wasn’t because she drank a Four Loko? That maybe she crashed because she was, oh I don’t know, a girl??
Now before you call me a heartless misogynist, I’d like to remind you that you’re a stupid bitch. I’m interested in facts, not just some bullshit finger-pointing at my favorite drink. You see, much like bros get blamed for everything, so too does Four Loko. So anytime you talk shit about Four Loko, it's like you're talking shit about bros. Whenever the newspapers or some fucking hot shot Doctor gets on TV warning about how “unhealthy” or “dangerous” Four Loko is, I just fucking crack another bottle and start chugging. If it’s so bad for you, then why the fuck does it make you feel so fucking good? Suck on that logic, bitch. Anyways, as Four Loko nears it’s extinction, it’s time for bros across the country to track down as much of this inspirational drink that they can get their hands on. By gathering cases upon cases of the sweet nectar that is Four Loko, we can join together to let the Bro-Haters know – you may win this battle, but you won’t win the fucking war. Four Broko for life.