Monday, July 20, 2009

#51 Taking Coed Sports Seriously

You just graduated from College and you moved back home. Your parents are total bro haters and said you can't even use the car if you plan on #23 Drinking and Driving. You don't have a job yet because you spent your senior year getting beyond fucked up and pulled a solid 2.3 GPA/ your Dad hasn't gotten you one yet. Life fucking sucks. That's when you get the email - "Come play kickball, it's what all recent college grads are doing!" At first you start to respond to the email telling the sender to go fuck themselves and that you never want to talk to them again, but then you look further into it. "This shit doesn't look that bad," you think. "There are fucking slam pieces everywhere!"

Please, please, don't get me wrong - bros do not like kickball, but if they are signed up for kickball or softball or whatever coed sport is in season, bros want to fucking win and will do whatever it takes to make this happen. Bros are competitive as shit. Much of this lingers from their glory days in high school when they fucking ripped up the Lax field. This mean streak was carried over into college with either Club Lax or Intramural sports. Colleges realize that Intramural sports create a lot of heated rivalries amongs frats, thats why most programs award Sportsmanship points and without enough of them you were not eligible for the playoffs. Seeing as how my bros in college sent multiple people to the hospital and instigated countless fights with both the opposing team and the referree, we failed to make it to the postseason all four years. Post graduation, options are limited, thus bros are forced to play coed sports.

There are few things that piss off a bro more than shitty play from girls. The common rule of thumb is the hotter the girl, the shittier the athlete. The more they suck the more a bro has the right to absolutely rip into them. By yelling at girls it increases the chance that they will not come back to play next week, thus increasing your team's chance at success. It also increases your chance to bang the hot slam pieces, too. Slam pieces fucking love to be yelled at and shown who's boss. They also are really fucking impressed when you absolutely dominate on the field. Bros love to show they are in charge on the field. There is no better way to do this than by arguing with the refs/umps, even if you know the right call was made. Say you get thrown out at first in Softball and its not even close. You better fucking argue that shit. If you don't you look like a fucking loser. Often umpires/referrees are either volunteers or old men who are lonely and desperately need human contact. My rule of thumb is the older, the fucking easier they will crumble. There is always the chance that you might go a little too far and the ump doesn't like you yelling, "Since when did Walter Fucking Matthau rise from the dead??" at him. This could mean you are getting thrown out of the game. Don't fucking go quietly. Get in the umps face and really get nasty. Possible topics for discussion include the Umps dead mother, his wife, his children, or pretty much any physical characteristic he might have. Then promise that you will be waiting for him in the parking lot. Wait in the parking lot until after the game is over. If you don't feel like waiting it's also a good idea to key the ump's car. You know - just to send a fucking message. If you fuck with a bro on a field of play, you will be burned.

41 comments:

Anonymous said...

dumb

Anonymous said...

weak shit fake bro

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Thanks for your opinions - I hope your children have cerebral palsy.

TexanBro said...

Dont listen to these fake bros. They are obvii homosexuals and bro haters. They are just upset cuz they are confined to a wheelchair because the get fucked in the ass so much

Anonymous said...

NYB, good post, one i mostly agree with. One thing though, any chance you can relax on wishing diseases and rare forms of cancer on people? I mean throw AIDS out there all you want because you can control that, but karma can come back to bite you my friend. if im the only one, i'll be quiet, but im just saying. other than that, keep up the good work.

bro jackson said...

It's lonely at the top, bro.

Anonymous said...

Club or Intramural sports are supposed to be bad ass as bros. claim? Yikes, thats one thing I don't agree with a bro on.

Brostradamus said...

coed dodgeball is by far the greatest way to put slam pieces in their place. Firstly, the no head-shot rule automatically means every bro is grippin and rippin for the dome piece. Secondly, if she's a cold hearted bitch who you would love to penetrate but would rather see writhing in pain, then a well placed throw to the schnoz will have you laughing for years. Finally, head-shots on the "critical fat chicks" give bros an automatic claim to the crown of the Bro-King. Thus, to summarize, coed dodgeball is a time for bros to thrive

legallyBlonde said...

http://surf.transworld.net/broism-dictionary/

bro.j. simpson said...

nothing scores more bro points than dominating a flag football field with ur frat bros during an intramural game. especially because you get to shit on all the houses you beat. as for co-ed sports, always try to hit the slam piece playing third in softball in the dome. she wont catch it regardless.

BENNY BOY said...

And don't forget if you don't get hammered (regardless of the athletic contest) before the start of the game than you are not a true BRO. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

There is no doubt I'm a bro, but I always thought of frat's and club sports as being for pussy's.

Anonymous said...

Me and my bros love to play keg kickball. Put a keg at 2nd base, and you have to chug a beer every time you get to 2nd. It fucking rules. Add in some slampieces and it is in the top 5 coolest sports for bros to play.

Anonymous said...

Real bros do not play club/intramural sports. Real bros are good enough athletes that when in college, they play NCAA sports. Club/intramural sports are for d-bags.

Bros don't play sports with slam pieces. Bros play real sports, slam pieces watch & love it. Then get slammed, after the bros get wasted.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I wouldn't count your two-bit pussy ass community college as "playing NCAA sports". Get over yourself and go take some more roids.

Anonymous said...

Community colleges are not part of the NCAA, genius.

Anonymous said...

I agree, club and intramural sports are for those who can't play NCAA Division 1 sports.

Anonymous said...

Thank you.

Brotopian said...

You better fucking believe I go 5 for 5 in coed softball on the reg.

Anonymous said...

Everyone whose saying bros don't play club sports and only play NCAA sound really cool, i mean, not being able to show up to games or practices hungover or high sounds awesome

Anonymous said...

Bros show up to practice for NCAA sports hungover- they're just that good. You don't understand/you must suck at sports so you drink to make it a joke and use that as an excuse for your sucking.

Bros are awesome. You can't be awesome without being a REAL athlete. Quit making excuses for your non-existant athletic ability. Just realize it... you're not a bro... you're a wannabe bro.

bro.j. simpson said...

what ncaa sport to you do? gymanistics? swimming? fuck off. obviously playing a NCAA sport is major bro points but ur still a badass bro when you play intramurals and club sports with ur bro.

Brotopian said...

If beer pong was a D1 sport, I'd be All-American. Nuff said.

Anonymous said...

Bros should do all of the following (or you are not a bro)...

1. Bang mad chicks
2. Get wasted regularly
3. Be an athlete and be great

If you do those 3, you are better than everyone else.

bro.j.- I play football & baseball. Outside LB & Centerfielder. Gymnastics and swimming are not sports. Everyone knows that.

Anonymous said...

In week one of our kickball season (adams morgan league), I actually pegged a slam piece so hard that she quit! It was the bottom of the 5th (last inning in kickball) and they had the tieing run on 3rd with two outs. She decided to bunt, and since im a bro i snagged the bunt, wound up, (keep in mind i was hammered) and i let that bitch rip. It hit her so hard in the back that she nearly fell over. But we won! My whole team was cracking up and when I tried to tell the girl i was sorry and would buy her a drink, she went off on me! The next week when we saw their team at the field, they told me she quit and it was her first season ever playing...I kinda felt bad but i think thats a major stepping stone toward bro king!

BROhemian Rhapsody said...

yeah except the feeling bad part, otherwise well done - if you feel THAT bad, tell her you will make it up to her by smashing her brains out one night after happy hour

Brotopian said...

bros don't feel bad about anything and that is a fact. its definitely like #8 in the bro commandments.

Anonymous said...

your right, I dont feel bad at all. Shit was classic...all my bro's gave me an exhorbitant amount of bro pts

Lucas said...

playing sports with chicks is gay as avery. bros are athletic enough to play sports at a d1 or good d3 school and those who arent would never dream of playing sports with chicks. playing shit with girls is like working out with ur girlfriend... jbro.

Anonymous said...

this bro once had a trouble with refs. they all sucked. needless to say I let them know that, once by telling one "he was the worst ref in the world" and another "that I warned you that was going to happen." I couldn't stand them, but my coach didn't like my eduactional remarks. Thus I had to abandon my ref teaching career to get P/T, but since we were boss and trucked the other teams I was content

Tom Brokaw said...

I remember playing some pickup volleyball games in the Rutgers gym and these slam pieces were all trying to play and shit. I spiked that shit so hard into one of their faces that their nose bled but I'm sure they got kinda wet too.

Brottilla the Hun said...

To all the NCAA All stars calling Frat life for pussy's... I want to mention all the nights you couldn't go out because of practice and I was slamming beers. All the games I was would black out for while you played. All the raging parties I kicked you out of for being a raging sketch (The one night a week you didn't have practice). You had your groupies but that's a small number compared the line of "slam-pieces" lining up to get into our parties and get pounded. Think about how you are out of college with as few friends as you had in college, while I was bro-ing out five nights a week and still do with my bros post grad. Think about all of this as you get the hell off this site as you are not a bro.

Anonymous said...

what happens if a slam piece is good? is said bra no longer a slam piece and is then called a lesbian? bros fucking hate when bras beat them.... but what if shes hot? still slammable?

Anonymous said...

if you dont pull an Earl Weaver on an ump or ref, then your not a bro

BROheed and CamBROa said...

Being a college volleyball bro is the shit. We are always greatly outnumbered by volleyball playing bras and when slampieces see how beast we are they are forced to instantly want to bang out. my one bro on my team coached a sorority volleyball team and needless to say ran through that whole team. yeah we dont fill 100,000+ staduims but slampieces love bros who own at volleyball.

Brode Miller said...

dude, running is the ultimate bro sport. you can do it drunk, you can do it high and you can wear your backwards hat while you do. plus, slam pieces dig sweaty bros.

Anonymous said...

I play real sports I'm not trying to be the best at exercising... A good way to get in a ref/umps head is to start a bro chant of the ref beats his wife.

hurricane brotrina said...

there's no bro comp between d1 sports and coed rec, theyre both brotastic. i didn't want to play at some d3 school, and i don't believe for a second any of you posers hating on coed broness play for a contender. i picked Colobrodo State based purely on how many slampieces there were. nothing else. since then i've broed up with a ton of baseball and football players and shared mad hos with them. bro

Brohammed Ali said...

Pounding on other frats is the fuckin shit. Nice post NYB

Amateur Hour said...

My one bro got red carded playing goalie in an IM soccer game.
He ran out of the goal and slide tackled some chick for being a bitch all game. Fucked her after obviously

jsobbell said...

fuck bitches just cuz they are pussies doesnt mean i cant beat their ass in sports. nice post bro

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