It’s your first day back on campus sophomore year. You just had a fucking amazing summer but you finally got the fuck away from your parents. Honestly, how many times do you have to tell them the reason you got a 1.9 freshman year was because you got fucked up all the time? Anyways, the important thing is, this is going to be the best year of your life. Not only are there a whole new crop of slam pieces going through orientation, but all the sophomore bras who were too good for you last year because upper classmen were “way more mature” (aka had a car on campus and were more experienced at lying to girls) are now turning their attention back to you. Yeah, this shit’s all great, but the best part of being a sophomore? You’ve finally paid your dues and now it’s your fucking time to shine. Let the hazing begin.
The best thing about hazing is that it can be done by anyone. Obviously fraternities are notorious for their amazing hazing abilities, but honestly, I think it’s probably better on most sports teams these days. Every bro at some point in their bro life has been hazed. And don’t fucking think organizations are the only ones who haze. Random groups of bros, even after graduation from College, will haze the shit out of any prospective bro. Hazing is the shit. Hazing makes you better bros. Also, everyone had to do that shit so if you bitch about being hazed, you are not a bro – go join a fucking book club. Here are a couple of the greatest reasons to haze:
Builds Bros – If you’ve ever seen Band of Brothers, you know that war builds amazing bonds. Hazing is basically war, only instead of freedom the end goal is getting hammered constantly with bros who are cool as shit and banging hot slam pieces. It’s still up in the air which goal is more important, but one thing is for sure, bros would be nowhere without hazing. The rule of thumb is the heavier the hazing, the stronger the bros. By doing things like forcing your pledges/rooks to eat human shit or do an elephant walk you are basically saying, “Hey, by learning what your fellow bros’ shit tastes like you will be better bros,” and I have to say - I really respect that.
Power – Have you ever smashed a beer bottle and told a pledge/rook to go “Get Me A Fresh Beer. NOW!!” like Frank the Tank in Old School? No? Well then I would advise you to get the fuck off this site because you are obviously not a bro. Do you realize how powerful it makes you fucking feel to boss people around? It seriously is the shit. If pledges/rooks ever disagree with you then you can make them do any shit you want. Everytime I say, “I’m going to make your fucking life a living hell,” I still get a half-chub. Bros fucking love power. You know who else loves power? Slam pieces. By hazing the shit out of pledges/rooks in front of slam pieces, 9 times out of 10 they will go down on you immediately. The other time they will give it up doggy.
Bottom Line – Bros fucking love hazing.