Friday, August 14, 2009

#62 Fantasy Football

The summer winding down means one of two things for bros: either they are going fucking apeshit because it’s time to go back to college or they are depressed. For post-college bros, even though there is no vacation from work, summer still feels like it. Everyone starts drinking earlier, you can hit up the pool or beach whenever you want, and most importantly – slam pieces are ripe for nailing. As quickly as bros get depressed at the end of summer, they snap back just as quick. You see, for all you retards out there who had to cheat off of classmates in preschool, Summer is followed by Fall, and you know what that means? If your answer to that question was “Apple Pickin’ at the Orchard!!” leave this site right now – I hate you – seriously, end yourself. It means the start of Football Season. While bros love all football, by week 6 not even the biggest football fan is going to want to watch some shitty Browns – Bengals game. That, my fellow bros, is why God invented Fantasy Football.

Bros fucking love Fantasy Football. Draft day is one of the biggest days of the year for a bro. Bros all sit around with their 12 lap tops waiting for someone to draft a player who is injured so everyone can pile on and make jokes about the pick for the entire season. While bros treat fantasy football as a full time job, often sitting at work or in class constantly searching the waiver wire to see if some shitty third string running back might be available, perhaps the most important aspect of a fantasy football team is it’s name. While bro-posers who join a fantasy football league to trick everyone into thinking they are a bro will come up with witty nicknames such as “Pats = #1!!!” or something hilarious and clever like “Thomas’s Team,” bros realize the importance of a team name and therefore will likely choose one out of these two categories.

Sexual References – The fact that Football is played with a ball is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to bros. “Big Brown Balls” or “Big Brown Ballz” (depending on how ghetto you are) are examples of an hilarious team name. Romantic sexual moves such as “Donkey Punchers,” “Rusty Trombones,” “Cleveland Steamers,” etc. are all classics and get the point across every time. Also any reference to the 2 girls 1 cup video are gold. As much fun as it is to have team nicknames based on things you dream of doing someday (Donkey Punch), nothing can top things that have already been accomplished. As you know, bros love to not only kiss and tell, but also fuck and tell. Therefore, all their bros are going to know about their sexual history. Where better to bring up the ghosts of pussy past than in a fantasy football team name? Say one of your bros hooked up with a porker one night and she did not “finish the job” – talk about a fucking softball, you’re obviously going with “Jen Spits Her Slop.”

Recent Tragedies – For most people in the world, there are limits. There is a grace period following a tragedy before jokes can be made. Bros are not most people. Bros love pouncing on that shit because to be honest, the sooner a joke is made after a tragedy, the funnier it is. Examples of past tragedies that were parlayed into team names include Hurricane Katrina, Natalie Holloway’s death, Heath Ledger’s overdose, and the Virginia Tech Massacre. Now if we’ve learned one thing this summer, it’s that nothing is more tragic than the death of a celebrity. This works great in fantasy football, and we are lucky to have so many recent deaths to choose from. Bros might be inclined to go with your standard, “I’d Still Do Farrah” or maybe “U Beat it to MJ” or even “Hangin w/ Mr. Gatti” or one of my personal favorites – “Ground McNair.” Although I wouldn’t really consider it a tragedy – in fact I would consider it a victory for bros everywhere – you know there are going to be some “Pro-Choice Pitino” squads out there this year.

79 comments:

Rick BROtino & BROcho Cinco (just for this post) said...

This post is a good point NYB but every true BRO ALREADY knows how fuckin rad Fantasy Football is! I guess this is just an explination for all the Bra's but you should have gotten into more detail... Fantasy Football is the shit because nobody would give a fuck if the Lions were playing the Browns, but if you have Calvin Johnson on your team then you are screaming at the TV for a touchdown (6 points) or Throwing a TV out the window (breaking shit #55) if it was an awful fucking call that cost you some points. I agree with you on picking the names though cause thats almost important as your squad! Pick up the Bro Cred NYB. Call me BROcho Cinco!!!

IHSV

shaquille Bro'neil said...

I work 60 hrs a week now that I am post bro-llege and it sucks. As of this week it became magical since my draft is 3 weeks away. I spend 20 of those 60 hrs/wk plotting my picks.

Other funny bro draft moves are drafting players that are dead.

3 or 4 years ago i tried to take corey stringer in the 6th round, bro-points for this one.

I may try to take mcnair in the 8th this year to get a laugh. You can't pull this move every year in your drafts but if you do every couple years you earn a few bro points.

Also, I make the draft as elaborate as hell. I live in Arizona now and I have been in a league with the same 11 bros for 9 years(every year the buy in goes up 50). We all work for the ultimate bro hater(society) now but we are all flying in from across the country getting a penthouse suite in NY and doing this draft right.

Draft day is better than a chick doin a line of bro-caine off your cock on christmas morning.


-ih

BROSKY said...

Last year my team was stacked, but then everyone else is my league turned into complete bro haters.

Being a bro, I decided: f these ppl. So I sat all of my guys and fielded an empty team the rest of the season. When people offered me trades, I denied them.

Obviously, this was not a league for money, but these idiots still took it serious. So I ruined it.

During the draft, if it is online, it is always fun to make fun of the other ppl in the league in the little chat feature- especially if you don't know them. For example, just pick out one person and start ripping on them non-stop for no reason. This lets everyone in your league know that you are a bro and you are in charge of shit.

Aaron Brodgers said...

Bros know that the key to fantasy drafts is to always act like you know more than everyone else and spread false information. Telling people that that you go to every Pats practice and just saw him get taken off the field in a stretcher before the draft is a sure fire way to get him to fall to you in the 3rd round. Anyone trying to one up your knowledge gets put in his place immediately. You run this shit, fuck that guy.

The Bro-riginal Bro Jackson said...

Bro Jackson is not a bro, he is an identity thief. Check the earlier posts, BRO.

Bro Vaughn said...

Aaron Brodgers? now people are just stretching it...if anything you could pull off Bradgers...kid cant even sound out a word...by the way you seem like a bra for ever liking him.

Bro Jackson said...

Hey dudes!!!!

This is Bro Jackson!!!

I love you guys!

XOXOXO

Brostradamus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Alpha and the BROmega said...

A guy in my league has the team name McNair's GSW. That's gun shot wound for those of you not familiar with acronyms.

Paul Mathewson said...

The name of one of my teams this year (let's be honest, real bro's are in multiple leagues) is Ben Rapelsberger. I hate the Steelers, but even more than that, I hate bras who claim to have been raped by famous people. You know that bra wanted Big Ben's Little Ben inside her.

Another one of my teams is named Carradine's Spotter. And my third and final team name is The Jackson 4. Boom. Fucking bro's are awesome.

daniel said...

Whos is this Bro Jackson queer....you sign off with xoxoxo....please tell me that was a sick joke, if not, someone treat this douche like a bra and back hand him. That is all.

Brodacious said...

A bro-paux on my part...did not realize there was already a "Brostradamus" posting here. In the spirit of bro-ness I shall acquiesce the name to whatever bro nabbed it first (even though I fucking hate him for it).

Carry on.

Anonymous said...

I feel so much bro power when I read this site.

Do you also feel the bro power?

So much bro power going on in here...

I have bro power!

Brodacious said...

Fantasy football drafts are the fucking shit. Unfortunately as years go by, leagues fall apart as bros get scattered around, lose their bro status (married/kids) or just drop dead from cirrhosis. The one upside to this is getting into new leagues that include a bunch of dumb ass bro haters...why, you ask? They prove to be easy marks for ripping on during the draft for doing really dumb ass shit and being the general ass clowns that they are, plus they are ultimately providing you with an extra source of cash flow - which of course, bros don't really need - but taking other people's money is fucking awesome.

For team names I usually go with something vulgar in a foreign language that degrades everyone else in the league....this year's choice will be "Vaffanculo", which means "go fuck yourself" in Italian. It's especially fun when someone asks what it means and you get to tell them to go fuck themselves (which you probably would anyway, but it just adds a little extra bro twist this way).

Ultimate USA Bro said...

bro power is in the air on this site!

He Hate Me said...

your a fag dude...

Coolest Bro Alive in World said...

Visiting the site is like chugging a 40oz. bottle of bro power juice!

I feel the bro power all over my body!

Ahhhhh... it feels so good to be a bro!!

Feels great to have somewhere to go (here) and be with other bros like myself.

I have so much bro power happening right now!

Anonymous said...

I feel like I was just run over by a huge truck filled with bro power!

Bro power all over the world!

Tedy BROschi said...

i think the ultimate sign of a tru bro hater is commenting on the bro power being spewed around this site. any true bro realizes it and just keeps it to himself.

anyways, fantasy football is the shit, unless of course you're first 3 picks in 08 are tom brady randy moss and wes welker, then you are fucked for the season but you can certainly have a little fun with it and trade the rest of your decent picks ot a fellow bro and watch him annialate the rest of the bro haters in the pool.

Terrell Browens said...

the fantasy football name of the year...

Show Her My TO Face

the last of the BROhicans said...

this site gives me a broner

Greg BROstertag aka Brian BROrakpo said...

Nothing is better than getting fucked up and drafting for fantasy football

Jessica likes anal said...

I agree with the ways we come up with our names for our teams. But what you do not talk about or mention is the after math. As bros we love making girls cry like you have mentioned, but our team names can also make these girls cry. Example: the sexual one you talked about was your slam piece jen spitting that shit, fuck that it could stain something. So we make the names and have posts (such as mine) that anyone can view. That jen girl sees your team then goes to cry (more bro points). As for Jessica, she is a skank that likes it in the ass. BROS ARE THE SHIT!

Out of Shape Dumb Whore said...

Yes, it feels good to be a bro.

All bros (me included) know that you cannot have too big of a family. If you dont want too many kids, it is good to marry an already married bitch with kids (like i want to do)

Anonymous said...

I feel like I'm swimming in the middle of the ocean. But, instead of water, the ocean is filled with bro power. We are such bros, dudes!

Broman said...

Fuck ya man.

Love the bro power comments! Can we get a post completely about bro power? That would be the best post ever.

We should make a bro song too. Something everyone can sing along to. It could be called "Bro Time" maybe? I'll wait for other suggestions.

Got to go! So much crazy shit going on in the life of a bro! (me)

Anonymous said...

these bro power comments are hilarious

Bro Champion said...

How about this for a bro power song?

Wanna get pumped? Wanna get happy? It's bro time! In your face! It's all day bro time!

That could be the chorus.

What do u think? Have any ideas for a catchy beginning? Something that really grabs you right away, makes you want to dance...

Help?!

Bro Power Time!

Anonymous said...

Love the bro power comments, so funny but also true. I agree, lets get a post about bro power!

The bro song would actually be a pretty sweet idea. I'd sing it with my other bros. We could sing it in bars or on the street, lets you know bros are there. I wouldn't let one of my best bros sing it though... he is not a good singer (was never even in chorus in school), but all of my other bros would sing.

Would this be a fast or slow song? I think it should be slow- easier to sing. I'd love to help write a bro song.

What is everyone's thoughts on a bro play for a community theatre? Anyone interested in acting/helping? I think this could be a big hit. Let me know, it would be so much fun to have a bro play, it would be acting, but not really, cause bros are playing bros!

I AM A BRO

Beatrice said...

I am absolutley repulsed by the viceral nature and offensive language used on this site in regards to the treatment of women. What a lack of respect! I mean come on! I am a proud supporter of womens rights everywhere and you have just crossed the line with this blog site mister! Shame. Shame on YOU! It sickens me enough that while I type "cumin" or "paprika" into a google websearch to make my sweet potato pie and I get "brodom" instead---I get sickened. In your most recent post, you write about sexual exploits and filth and vilanry and scum and slime and dirt and muck and scum. OH MY GOD I COULD SCEAM! I hate you, I hate you, take this down now!

Anonymous said...

i love pounding sluts (like the one above this comment) and raw-doggin it then blowing it in their stupid faces

bro power to all!

Anonymous said...

rick brotino/brocho cinco - you are a faggot

Anonymous said...

rick brotino/brocho cinco has absolutely no bro power.

i have so much bro power that it is hard for me to contain.

Anonymous said...

bro power is a gayer comment then beatrice's

Al Bro-ndy said...

a song & play about bro power would be great... we could have something to show for all of this hard work we put in to be a bro.

i'd love to help write a bro song and write a bro play. i'd also be interested in having a part in the play.

bro power rules!

Brodacious Bro said...

I am speaking for bros all over the world, and as a huge bro, I say: YESSSSS lets make a bro power song AND play!

That would be awesome.

It would let everyone know more about bros. I love plays and music. What if the play what a musical? It could be full of bro songs!

I'm 100% in for helping write the play and songs. Who else is in? Come on bros, this will be fun!

Ultimate Bro said...

Bros all over the world would be honored to help write a bro song and bro play. Bros love w

Actually... can we get a post about bros loving theatre?

Anyways, bros are always willing to write a song or play... or act in the play. Most bros are trained singers and actors since they were young. They might not make this profession, but they are still able to sing and act amazingly.

Bros love song writing and theatre... this could be the best post ever, when you write it. If you're a bro, you've been in a play. Anyone who hasn't been in a play is not a bro, everyone knows that.

Real bros are in plays!

Bro power to all! I feel the fuckin bro power all over my body. I think my wife and children also know that I feel the bro power.

I first starting feeling this power shortly after getting married. One day, I woke up and realized... I am a complete bro! Yes I;m married, yes I have kids, but I am a bro! I coach little league and sometimes I curse at the kids. We have pizza parties and I always eat the most slices.

From one HUGE FUCKIN BRO to others, it feels great to be among other bros. Lets write that fuckin play... any true bro would help write and be in it... lets make that damn bro song too! Everyone would love this.

Bro power 24/7 all over the world. I hope my post help spread it... I think it did. BRO POWER

BIGGEST BRO EVER said...

REAL BROS PARTICIPATE IN THEATER ON A REGULAR BASIS

FEEL THE BRO POWER OF THEATER AND BROADWAY

REAL BROS LOVE THEATER

HOW ABOUT THIS FOR A BRO SONG...

yo yo yo, chillin on the beach
yeah, yeah... fuckin them whores
oh yes, they like me alot
yeah yeah, trying to marry me
i might get married, cause im a bro
fuck this shit, lets make some babies
then we can raise them babies to be bro
oh shit yes motherfuckers

bro time! bro time! all in the fuckin shit!

like?

give me your opinions... bros!

I LOVE BEING A FUCKING BRO

BROBE BRYANT said...

these bro power comments need to stop and theater/broadway? Are you guys fucking serious? Seriously that shit is for faggots and bras who dont fuck around with true bros..get the fuck off this site

Brony Montana said...

if you dont spend at least 1/2 of your time at work managing your fantasy team (the other 1/2 involves planning what to eat for lunch, taking shits, and deciding where to go for happy hour) you are a fag and are not a true bro. another key aspect of ff is the smack talk...it allows you to talk shit to your remote bros who moved away on a weekly basis. it is especially good if you just beat them and point out that had they started Donte Stallworth (#1 bro) instead of tj douchemandzadeh that they would have won.

also, ff is a key for monday night football...if the game sucks (tampa bay vs kansas city) and you dont want to listen to that jew tony kornheiser talk about his prostate, you are saved bc you have dwayne browe and the nigga just caught you a last minute touchdown in a meaningless blowout but it gives you a one point win over your bro thereby giving you smack talk privileges for the entire week...fractional point wins are ultimate bro status...

Anonymous said...

I know a bunch of bros that are into theater and broadway. They are probably amongst the biggest bros in the world.

Question for everyone...

I've been dating a girl for a while and I am thinking about getting married? She is awesome, hot, and likes to pound. Should I do it? I'm leaning towards yes.

Being a bro rocks!

Brodacious said...

All this theater and song talk has this bro on the verge of bro-icide.

Brodacious Bro, feel my love and get yer own fucking handle that's original. I lost some serious bro points by originally camelbacking on some other bro's handle and believe me holmes that shit ain't cool. True bro's don't roll like that. If you don't get some original shit rocking I hope you die of dyssentery you fucking bromo.

Now I'm off to crush some brews, puff-puff-not pass and watch Entourage. Bros are the fucking shit.

Anonymous said...

My team name is "Show me those TDs"

Mr. Brojangles said...

One of my favorite things about this site is reading all the sweet bromments that bros post...until bro haters started talking about theatre...the only theatre that should be discussed is East-Bound and Down, Always Sunny and Entourage...true bros will agree

Bronan the Bro-barian (formerly known as the Bro-riginal Bro Jackson, aka Bro Jackson whose cool ass name was stolen by an unoriginal, perpetrating, bro hater said...

see above

Bro-bo Cop said...

Beatrice: 0, Bros: 1

Justbro Timberlake said...

Feel the power of bro power!

Where's the bro power post?? We need one! Bro power is so awesome.

Tedy BROschi said...

HAHAHAHA....is this beatrice bitch for real??? That shit os one of the funniest things i have read on this site yet.

If you are serious Beatrice, might i suggest that you refrain from reading this site. I competely disagree with almost everything you said but even if any of it was remotely true, nobody is forcing you to come on this site, so if you dont wish to be offended, stay the fuck off this site. You are clearly just upset that you cant find a tru bro that wants to include you in his one night stand and never call you again.

Also, talking about bro power is gayer than aids.

Brodacious said...

@Tedy BROschi & Bronan - LMFAO. Spot fucking on...well done, bros.

Bro in Chicago said...

NYB, normally I wouldn't tell you what to post next, or how to do your thing, but some sort of administrator to stop the bro haters from spamming the true bros' hilarious comments would be appreciated by many of us.

Shaquille bro'neil said...

Agree with above. This site will lose a loyal bro soon if I see any more gay bro power comments. True bros know that shit isn't bro-motely funny.

Bitches and beer

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Comment moderation is on - if people want to debate shit, hit up the message board.

Brodacious said...

Slippery slope, NYB. Bashing on the wanna-bro tards is half the fun of the site.

Anonymous said...

bro jackson deserves his broname back....
*awaits #63*

Bro-bo Cop said...

Bitches and Beer, and chanting.

Brodysseus said...

I can't decide on whether to name my team "Plaxico's Leg" or "Dr. Conrad Murray." These choices are so hard...

Tyler HansBro said...

"Bronan the Bro-barian (formerly known as the Bro-riginal Bro Jackson, aka Bro Jackson whose cool ass name was stolen by an unoriginal, perpetrating, bro hater said..."

Check Hooters post, you broke your own Brotocal and Brocedures by jewing someone elses bro-riginal name. Serious loss of bro-cred. You've probably been posting all those gay ass Bro Jackson and bro power posts yourself to draw attention. Stop being a faggot and start being a true bro.

Rob Bro-nias said...

my team name is Erin Andrews' Cameramen..

Brobraham Lincoln said...

NYB, You forgot one crucial aspect of fantasy football...you have to play in a league for MONEY. If you don't gamble you are a fucking meat packer. Playing for free is a pure bitch move, grow a pair, put some money on it. Bros fucking love to gamble. If I could parlay other games going on in my league I would. Fuck this shit, I'm out.

Anonymous said...

shut the fuck up you and fuck yourself "BROS". non of you assholes are really americans. making fun of foreigners and poor people? the money all think you have is DADDY'S money. go make yourself useful, go stand in your corner and make some money. this is an immigrant country you assholes, yeah including you.... go back to your real country FAGS.

Anonymous said...

Haha bros bengals game was one of the best this year. But fuck bro hating afc east. GO CHIEFS!!!!11!!!1

bro theismann said...

i had some great ideas for names this year. for example one of my many teams was named the chicago NK's. not cool like that of course. but then when it gets abbreviated it spells out chiNKs and all the zipper eyed geeks know who the true bro is (me)! then i punch em in the cock with drew brees' 47 points or whatever he scored because DB is a bro for sho. another fantastic name i had was Baltimore sacks. which obvs shortens to BAL Sacks. Fuckin hilarious! especially when im 5-0 like its nobodys fucking business. erin andrews is gonna see that i run shit and then shes gonna want my dick! and she is for sure DTP cause why else would she be naked on camera. i think...yep thats the whistle on the old no.4 bro train and EA is tied to the tracks bugs bunny style. POUNDED

Anonymous said...

Sup bros, I was just wondering if my team name is any good. My team name is skeetersmeatshop. I'd like to know.

Anonymous said...

What's with all the fucking bro haters posting comments?

Anonymous said...

fantasy baseball team name- 2 burrels 1 cup

Anonymous said...

bros, pretty proud of this team name.... McNair's Couple's Therapy

Anonymous said...

most bro name ever the reverse cowgirls and my insignia is the cowboys

Brohammed Ali said...

show me your td's is a good one. Also the tittsburgh feelers. Naming your team after a fellow league members mom is also always good

Anonymous said...

my fantasy team is called "Billy Mays Here!"

Ivan Drogbro said...

DUDE!! My team name has been Cleveland Steamers for like 3 years, featuring a picture of thomas the train. Us bros are on the same brain wave i guess.

I loved this article. I fucking own at fantasy football.

kimBRO slice said...

Dude fantasy football is so bro

Dirk BROwitzki said...

My fantasy baseball team name this year is "Here come the runs" . Bros are the shit

Chad Brochocinco said...

The League on FX sums up every bro's love for fantasy football.

Julian said...

porn refernces work also
for example my fantasy baseball name is Keiran Lee's Finest
or anything creampie works great

Anonymous said...

fucking two mannings one cup. greatest fantasy name ever

Anonymous said...

My fantasy league has one rule when it comes to your team name. The team must be from an actual city. One of the more clever names in league history Macon Love as well as Blue Ball Explosion. Blue ball is a small town in ohio macon is in georgia.

Anonymous said...

listen Beatrice, I think we are all for you supporting womens rights, as long as you do it in the kitchen

The Man With Bro Name said...

The bro-hater commish of my legacy league for the last 4 years decided to invite 3 of his annoying slampiece friends to join this season. One of these cumdumpsters was talking all kinds of shit in the league forum prior to the draft (even though, as a slampiece, she knows nothing about football) because she was trying to be 'one of the guys'.

So naturally, I chose "Shut Up, Whore" as my team name this year.

Bros fucking rule.

Anonymous said...

one kid in our fantasy league last year scooped up david akers 3rd round.. we immediately jumped all over him for a waste of a pick.

by the way, a true bro fantasy football team name is Fur Burgers. its been my team name for 3 years now.

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