Thursday, September 3, 2009

#69 Fake Tits

Throughout the history of time, while bros have worked to master their drinking skills, girls have worked equally as hard to perfect another art form: lying. Now when I talk about lying, I’m not talking about telling your run of the mill white lies that bros like to tell girls such as, “I love you,” “I enjoy spending time with you,” or “I”ll pull out.” I’m talking about the fact that every day a girl lives a lie. On nights before they go out bros spend about 5 minutes getting ready. Girls, on the other hand, treat every night as though it is Halloween and put on their whore costume aka a shitload of makeup and high heels. By the way, you know whoever invented high heels was definitely a bro. Forcing women to walk on their toes all night long just so their ass and legs look better is a stroke of fucking genius. Anyways, the point is, when slam pieces are wearing all that makeup and shit it’s not what they really look like – it’s what they know bros want them to look like, and that is fucking awesome. This presents a problem though. Every bro has woken up one morning only to find half of their slam piece’s face on their pillow. This shit fucking sucks. Plus if you thought the mess on the pillow was bad, you are even more shocked to see the face post - makeup. You immediately want to rub her head in your pillow hoping that some of the makeup will find its way back to her face. So how do girls get over this problem? How do they make these temporary solutions to make bros want to bang them a permanant one? Three words: Fake fucking tits.

Ever since the days of dominating Little League, bros have been obsessed with cans. It's really one of those things that they can’t explain - all they know is that they love them, and the bigger the fucking better. It’s a proven scientific fact that girls can never recover in the mind of bros for being fat, but never fear – even though it might look as though your face was used as a prop in a Gallagher show, you can always redeem yourself as a person by your rack. While natural is nice, they have a tendency to start to sag, but you know what never droops? Silicone.

Bros can spot fake titties from a mile away. Bros don’t hide the fact that they know they are fake either; once they identify the rack, they make sure everyone and their fucking mother knows about it. Recently I was wasted at the beach when I saw a fake set from across the bar. Before I even introduced myself, the first words out of my mouth were, “There is no fucking chance in hell those are real.” I didn’t bang her (her boyfriend was on his way to meet her), but I still got to inspect the merchandise with both my eyes and hands. Bros also always tell slam pieces, “It looks and feels so real,” which is obviously a lie. This is done primarily with the intention of banging them. Bros are smart as shit so they always know what is real and what is not.

Perhaps the best quality of fake knockers is what they mean. A fucking bulls-eye. Even more so than a tramp stamp, fakies mean that the girl in question is in fact not a girl at all – she is a whore. Seriously, what is the mindset behind getting fake tits? That you want more guys to want to bang you? Good news – bros are here to take that bullet. Bros love the fact that even though slam pieces think that their new found tits makes them “the shit” bros know they are not. She's still the same old insecure slam piece with a shitload of new cleavage revealing dresses. A couple well timed remarks about her developing wrinkles or expanding ass (even if it isn’t) can knock her off her fake-tit-induced delusional ride on her high horse and right back to the only riding position a slam piece should ever find herself: reverse cowgirl.

29 comments:

Bro-Bo Cop (the original) said...

Fake tits are like the sun shining thru rain clouds on a pool party day

Tom Broady said...

I LOVE BIG TITTIES.

Jon Bon Brovi said...

I exclusively pound only slam pieces with fake tits. If they don't have implants, they're not even trying to be attractive, so why should I do them a favor by pounding them?

All slam pieces should get implants. What if they don't want to? Tough shit, needs to be done.

Anonymous said...

Are they built for comfort or speed?

Bron Paul said...

Boobs...

BROlanda Vega said...

You Motor boating son of a bitch

Anonymous said...

finally something all bros can agree on. fake tits are awesome.

John Broleushi said...

Big natural titties - Jose Cuervo
Small titties - Natie Light in a can
Big fake titties - Patron Platinum
Need I say more?

Mike Titka said...

I am actually in a titka band. What is a titka band? Well, did you ever hear of a polka band? We are like that- but we only play polkas about boobies. Our drummer actually slaps a woman's boobs as bongos.

Rick BROtino said...

Wow! now ur speaking my language... I am the biggest advocate of fake ass titties! Much more of a tits thans ass guy, not to say i dont love a great ass (which i do) but its just science that a nice ass will start to droop before tits do. Thus i am a tittie man! I love going to the gym and watching all the fine ass ASU girls with their titties bouncing, some not bouncing, either running or doing the elipticals. Fake tits are gods gift to bros.

cmartyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

hello

i am foren exchange student from czech republic. recently i went to fratrnity party. since then i am drunk all nights of week. it has been a great time of my life. i hope i will go into many more partys.

bros are shit. thankyou.

Brotasaurus said...

plus and a half on the number of this post

Anonymous said...

czech dude i hope you meant bros are the shit. and also if obama included breast implants in his healthcare plan it would make america a better place.
IHSV

Brocaine said...

Bros at ASU...it's almost 6 am...I have been partying all night with a little help from my best friend: disco dust. 6 am at ASU means $1 beers on Mill Avenue. If you are at ASU and not on mill at 6am; you're not a bro...I will be on mill within the hour and if any real bros want to meet up and get perverted with slams; just shout brocaine. I will welcome you to a bro shot of Cruz Tequila..IHSV...and you are more than welcome to join the tailgate at 59. Just remember you must be down to bro...which requires doing drugs, slam pieces, beer bongs, shotguns, rousting cops, and getting ridiculous. No nerds or bro haters welcomed; if you attend you will get hazed. See you all in an hour....

Bro in Chicago said...

TITTIES! I fucked a slam piece last night with 36 DD's. God I love tits. Bros are the shit.

Mashed Brotatoes & Gravy said...

fake titties rule! girls become so much more attractive when they get implants... all girls should do it. well not fat girls, they should go to jail. tons & tons of hot chicks with major fake tit action at Brohio State.

Austin BroTierney said...

Neds Younger Brother, why didnt you make number 69 about fucking eatin pussy and getting dome? Bro's love to 69!

Admiral Ackbro said...

I was in my astronomy lecture the other day and all I could do was stare at this chicks tits (She must have back problems) and wonder if they have their own gravitational pull.

Fratrick Swayze said...

Fake tits usually come with the "behind the neck tattoo of stars", or an inner wrist tattoo, and ALWAYS a tramp stamp.

I feel like the behind the neck and inner wrist tattoo is for chicks who used to be drug addict sluts who've tried to clean up recently. And the tattoo's are a sign of their "new and improved" soul or some gay ass spiritual shit like that.

Teddy BREWschi said...

Personally, I am not a big fan of fake tits in porn unless they are done very well. I mean, don't get me wrong big ass fake tits are great. But in porn I don't like em cus the tits aren't as bouncy and pornstars who usually get them done get them done from a fucking street doctor.
Big ass real tits are the shit. They do however get saggy in the later years, but I don't give a fuck its not like I'll be spending my life with the whore.

Anonymous said...

69, bro!!!! WOOOOH! YEA!, lolz

i wish i could capitalize 69

Anonymous said...

69, bro! WOOOOOOH!

Brodega said...

A slambitch without implants isn't fully committed to being hot. She can never be a dimepiece. Silicone or go the fuck home.

Brobreezy said...

I convinced this slamwhore I used to bang in college to get implants because she thought I was her "boyfriend". Unfortunately she went to a cut-rate chop doc and got a terrible boob job (lopsided, nipples pointing different directions). Dumped her ass as soon as I saw the results. There's plenty of other bitches with nice racks - I don't have time to fuck around with franken-titties.

Anonymous said...

okay i'll admit it, im a chick. nothing against what you all are saying, except for one part: there are people that dont need implants. i'm naturally a 34DD, and have a 26'' waist. don't believe me? your loss.

IsleOfBrodes said...

69 OHHH.

DutchBRO said...

Hi other Bro's

*Is staring at the DD's of a colleague* TITTIES!!!!

I recently found this website and it's the shit! Totally love it! Love all your work! Keep it up!

But to tell you the whole story! I am from the Netherlands, but I don't feel comfortable there! I always had the feeling that me and some friends were different then the rest. Everybody was calling us dicks, you don't have feeling etc. But after this website we realised that we are Bro's!

Thank you guys and especially NYB!

Anonymous said...

I love my fake boobs. they're fucking awesome.

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