It's fucking game day. After about 6 hours of #68 tailgating, you and your bros are finally feeling a decent buzz, so you decide to make your way into the stadium. Obviously you got the tickets for free since your parents are loaded, not to mention your Dad said they are good seats too. They fucking better be or else there's no chance in Hell you're visiting your Grandma this weekend. You can tell from the tickets that they are in the fourth row, but it doesn't hit you until you get to your section exactly where you are - directly behind the visitors bench. It's fucking on. From here on out there will be no cheers for the home team. There will be no high fives for first downs or singing of the fight song for a touchdown. You quickly realize "I'm a bro and I'm drunk as shit - my team fucking needs me." Immediately you let out a tirade constantly repeating "Shit, cocksucker, fuck" intermixed with other inaudible words. A child starts to cry nearby - fuck him - if his parents didn't want him to hear this type of language they shouldn't have paid $500 for their seats at this 1pm football game on a Sunday. The players on the sideline are pretending to not pay attention to you, but you know they can fucking hear you, so you keep provoking them. Eventually, you must say something that really hits a nerve with the star running back and he yells something weak like, "Fuck you douche bag," back at you. Wrong move. I don't know if you knew this, but bros are the smartest people in the world, so never attempt to match wits with them. "Your mother snorted coke off my dick last night you piece of shit!" you reply. Thanks to an incredible coincidence, his mother just died last week. Talk about a jackpot! He charges the stands trying to fight you and actually makes it into the first row before stadium security tackles him. He gets ejected from the game. Chalk another one up for the good guys.
Bros are fucking amazing hecklers. Bros don't go to games to try to get their favorite star's autographs. They don't go to games to just sit there with their baseball glove and really really hope that a foul ball might come their way. They definitely don't go to games on #75 dates. Bros go to games to get fucked up and help their team succeed in any way they fucking can. If you think the best way to help your team is by cheering loudly, doing the wave, or knowing all the words to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," there is no place for you on this website. Google "what should I do when I get my period" and click on the first link. You gone? Good. Bros know the best way to help your team is by heckling the shit out of the other team. Here's a few ways you can become a better heckler and most importantly, a better bro.
Research - I really can't stress just how important this is, you really have to fucking do your research prior to the game. I don't care what you have to go on, whether it's the media guide, some shitty message board, some rumor your bro told you, whatever. Find the dirt. Anything family related is fucking clutch. Look for incidents with police, no matter how small. Even a traffic violation can make the player a thug. Make sure he knows he belongs in jail all night long. Fucking criminal. Or, say you find out the point guard on the other team has a retarded brother. That's fucking gold! After a few "Where is Corky?" and "Window Licker!" cheers he'll definitely be steaming.
Untouchable - Everyone already knows bros can't be arrested. It's a waste of every one's time. The cops realize just by seeing the bro that they have an uncle with a high powered law firm so they always just give him a warning. Realizing just how untouchable you are at a sporting event is one of the most important aspects of being a great heckler. No matter what you say, as long as it is against the opposing team, you can't be #40 kicked out. Not to mention the fact that if players try to fight back, they will be suspended and fined. Throwing objects at players is also cool as shit - especially if they get hurt.
Practice, Practice, Practice - I'm not going to sit here and tell you I became a good heckler or even a good bro overnight. It's not possible. This is why you have to tune up your game before you hit the big stage. The great thing about heckling is that it can be done anywhere. Don't live near any minor league teams or colleges? Fuck it - just get drunk as shit and head down to the local Little League field. Always make sure to pick the team with the bigger kids to "root" for because you know they are going to fucking dominate. Then survey the runt team for weaknesses and really lay into them. "Learn to use soap, you fucking Crater face!" and "Do you even have pubes??" are always winners. It's best if they have a girl on the team because they tend to crack easier. They always break down in tears when you give her shit about being a lesbian - which she definitely is. The mothers of the kids might try to get their husbands to fight you, but fuck them. Once they see you are a bro they'll slowly back away and get back to eating their cracker jacks and crying inside since they are married.
Heckling is the shit.