It’s Thursday afternoon. While the rest of campus is putting up Facebook status messages of “S.H.I.T. (Sure Happy It’s Thursday!!!)” you’re in the midst of a nice 12 day vacation/#58 bender. You think about taking the wrapper off of your textbook to do some studying for finals next week, but decide that would be just a waste of time. That fucking nerd from your freshman hall always sits next to you in class hoping you’ll invite him to one of your parties, so you can just #65 copy off of him. Instead of going to Loserville, USA aka the Library, you focus on the only questions any College student should ever ask: “How fucked up am I going to get tonight and where am I going to do it?” You and your bros all decide without much hesitation that you will be getting fucked up as shit. So now that that’s clear you try to figure out the game plan. You start texting people seeing what’s going on, but for some reason everyone is being fucking bro-haters. Why the fuck is everyone studying? Don’t they know it’s fucking Thursday? Finally, some girl one of your bros fucked a while back texts you back: “Hey, one of my friends from high school is in town and we’re looking to go out.” Jackpot. You ask her what her friend’s name is so you can facebook her. Damn, she’s pretty hot. It’s says she’s in a relationship but that doesn’t matter tonight. She has a better chance of playing in the fucking NBA than leaving the campus an honest woman. Bros fucking love Out of Towners.
No matter what College you go to and no matter how hot the girls are there, you will get tired of them. Not only that but you’re a fucking bro and by sophomore year you’ve probably plowed through most of the #59 sororities. Obviously, since they’re slam pieces you won’t have treated them like human beings, knowing full well they are there for one reason and one reason alone: Going to Pound Town. While it’s cool as shit to just bang girls and tell them they just became a number, you might start to develop one of the biggest bro-haters of all time: a reputation. Having a reputation is seriously worse than having AIDS. At least with AIDS, girls will still bang you as long as you’re not a fucking idiot and tell them. So how do bros get around this terminal game illness? Out of Towners.
The great thing about Out of Towners is that there is no need to put on the façade that you are a “good guy” by doing pointless things like going out on dates, talking about her feelings, or even learning her name. Just because you are a friend of their friend, you are immediately seen as valid banging material. Little does she know that her friend is whoring her out so that she can get brownie points with your bro who she’s trying to fuck. Making matter easier for you, she’s also probably eager to pass off her potential cockblock friend so that she herself can get nailed later.
I think it’s safe to say that bros hate commitment. The biggest amount of commitment from an Out of Towner a bro should ever allow is a facebook friendship. This allows bros to show off their trophy to other bros on their iPhone. I always hate it when that Out of Towner thinks for some reason we’re in a relationship or that I actually ever want to talk to her again and she does some stupid shit like write “Hey – nice meeting you this weekend!” on my facebook wall. I immediately just write back on hers’ saying, “You knew what this was, you whore!” along with a picture of a scarlet letter and a vivid description of her least attractive body part. Stupid fucking slam pieces.
So the next time a girl you know says she’s got a friend coming into town, you better call fucking dibs. Out of Towners are truly some of the finest slam pieces God ever created.