Thursday, December 10, 2009

#96 Out of Towners

It’s Thursday afternoon. While the rest of campus is putting up Facebook status messages of “S.H.I.T. (Sure Happy It’s Thursday!!!)” you’re in the midst of a nice 12 day vacation/#58 bender. You think about taking the wrapper off of your textbook to do some studying for finals next week, but decide that would be just a waste of time. That fucking nerd from your freshman hall always sits next to you in class hoping you’ll invite him to one of your parties, so you can just #65 copy off of him. Instead of going to Loserville, USA aka the Library, you focus on the only questions any College student should ever ask: “How fucked up am I going to get tonight and where am I going to do it?” You and your bros all decide without much hesitation that you will be getting fucked up as shit. So now that that’s clear you try to figure out the game plan. You start texting people seeing what’s going on, but for some reason everyone is being fucking bro-haters. Why the fuck is everyone studying? Don’t they know it’s fucking Thursday? Finally, some girl one of your bros fucked a while back texts you back: “Hey, one of my friends from high school is in town and we’re looking to go out.” Jackpot. You ask her what her friend’s name is so you can facebook her. Damn, she’s pretty hot. It’s says she’s in a relationship but that doesn’t matter tonight. She has a better chance of playing in the fucking NBA than leaving the campus an honest woman. Bros fucking love Out of Towners.

No matter what College you go to and no matter how hot the girls are there, you will get tired of them. Not only that but you’re a fucking bro and by sophomore year you’ve probably plowed through most of the #59 sororities. Obviously, since they’re slam pieces you won’t have treated them like human beings, knowing full well they are there for one reason and one reason alone: Going to Pound Town. While it’s cool as shit to just bang girls and tell them they just became a number, you might start to develop one of the biggest bro-haters of all time: a reputation. Having a reputation is seriously worse than having AIDS. At least with AIDS, girls will still bang you as long as you’re not a fucking idiot and tell them. So how do bros get around this terminal game illness? Out of Towners.

The great thing about Out of Towners is that there is no need to put on the fa├žade that you are a “good guy” by doing pointless things like going out on dates, talking about her feelings, or even learning her name. Just because you are a friend of their friend, you are immediately seen as valid banging material. Little does she know that her friend is whoring her out so that she can get brownie points with your bro who she’s trying to fuck. Making matter easier for you, she’s also probably eager to pass off her potential cockblock friend so that she herself can get nailed later.

I think it’s safe to say that bros hate commitment. The biggest amount of commitment from an Out of Towner a bro should ever allow is a facebook friendship. This allows bros to show off their trophy to other bros on their iPhone. I always hate it when that Out of Towner thinks for some reason we’re in a relationship or that I actually ever want to talk to her again and she does some stupid shit like write “Hey – nice meeting you this weekend!” on my facebook wall. I immediately just write back on hers’ saying, “You knew what this was, you whore!” along with a picture of a scarlet letter and a vivid description of her least attractive body part. Stupid fucking slam pieces.

So the next time a girl you know says she’s got a friend coming into town, you better call fucking dibs. Out of Towners are truly some of the finest slam pieces God ever created.

54 comments:

Anonymous said...

NYB... you never cease to amaze me, well done!

Wilford BROmley said...

One of your better pieces, I must say. Well writen. Truly an artisan of your trade. NYB, I salute you

shaquille Bro'neal said...

NYB,

Astonishingly accurate. It's even better when you visit other schools and you are the out of towner. get weird. who the fuck cares you will never see these people again and you already have cred because you are the visiting bro of a local bro king.

in hoc no joke

Bron Paul said...

Completely agree Bro'Neil. Whenever you are the out of towner you seem mysterious to dumbshit slampieces, so they obviously want to Plow.

-Bros are the Shit.

titanium tetraBROmide said...

Good post NYB,
It reminded me of my first weekend at college. Obviously me and my new found bro decided to smash a fifth of Goose and a fifth of Patron before we pre-gamed with the girls on the 2nd floor. This girl was dumb enough to tell me her outoftowner friend thought i was "cute" so i said well im a slam your friend. Two hours later I took the slam piece back to my room and proceeded to slam and I answered the phone when my newfoundbro called me to order pizza while still slammin. At the end when I was drinkin gatorade and she asked for a bottle of water I told her to could get an empty one out of the trash and to fill it with the waterfountain on her friends floor. I told her you just went to brown-town.

Bro vs Wade said...

I would like to second Bron Paul's agreement with Bro'neal. I was the out of towner in Arizona visiting one of my bros from high school and slam pieces were slobbering all over me... We ended up both bringing back girls, he promptly took his to his room while i took a little trip to pound town on the fouton in the living room. Fist Pounds were exchanged the next morning.

Genghis Bro said...

spaghetti and meatbells, poor people and lottery tickets, slampieces friends' from home and you getting a blow job in a frat bathroom from them later that night

some things just go together.

Enzo Brorlami said...

I love Out of Towner MEAT....I remember one of my first few, a frat brother's lady friend that he grew up with. While my fratbro was typically not a brohater, his actions toward me were decidedly bra-ish in this instance.

He told me how she had all these problems growing up, how he cared about her like a sister, his and her families were really close, her mother had just died, her dad wasn't speaking to her, etc. And he also told me things like: dont fuck her, dont take advantage of her, she has drinking problems, you have a girlfriend, dude, you shouldn't be trying to fuck my friend anyways, etc etc.

All a bunch of bullshit.

At the first sight of her stumbling around the bar, I immediately swooped in for the kill like the rat I am, with a line something like "Hey, you're my boy's good friend, are you doing ok? You seem kind of wasted?"

her response: incoherent guttural noises, blubber blubber, blah blah, hiccup hiccup, blah blah

"Lets get you home then"

As I was making my getaway with the Slammeat, my boy grabbed me by the throat - "dude, I told you not to fuck her or take advantage of her"

I assured him everything was fine, that I respected my fratbro and the "relationship" he had with her, and that I was merely going to take her home on the way to see my girlfriend. He loosened his grip on my throat, warned me one last time, and I once again assured him in the most diplomatic and gentlemanly fashion that everything was going to be fine.

....15 minutes later I was railing her doggystyle at my bropad.

I love being a bro.

gally pennsylbrovania said...

Well played. Being a bro is the shit.

Brodeezy said...

The best part about out of town girls, is that they HAVE to leave in the morning

Bilbro Baggins said...

Bros chill

Brobie Trice said...

I have to agree that being the out of towner yourself is the shit. I was moving my mattress (aka my workbench) out of my parents and up to my bropad when I decided to layover for the night at my bro's college. We're on pitcher 32 at the local tavern when this slam piece locks eyes with me and says this, verbatim, without ever opening her mouth: "I don't know who you are but you're hanging out with the mintest bro kings on campus so you obviously have serious cred. I've always wanted to fuck a bro king but didn't want to get a rep on campus. Since you're just passing through, would you mind throttling your cock in and out of my vagina for a few hours?"
And with a simple glance back, I said "Okay."
So I took my mattress out of my brorider, threw it on the floor of my bro's and treated this slampiece to a healthy serving of bro king baby batter.
Love being the out of towner.
Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

Great fucking read, NYB. Out of towners are the shit. I went to my bro's college for last New Years. Before the ball even dropped, one of his friends grabbed me and told me I was going home with her that night. I then proceeded to drink her entire bottle of champagne, finishing the last bit while she was blowing me, stupid fucking slampiece. Mission accomplished.

Racial BROfiler said...

I am going to have to agree with Bro'neal, Bron Paul, and the like. As great as out of towners are, the odds are so much better when you one yourself. One time I was visiting my bro's at OU, and picked up some random slam. Let her do her best impression of a rodeo on my cock back at her place. After we were through, grabbed a bottle of water and bounced. Also, picked up a pizza to eat on my walk of fame home. God I love being a bro

Brotzart said...

Haha the Scarlet Letter, fucking hilarious. Well played.

Anonymous said...

A fucking men, NYB.

Anonymous said...

Well done Racial BROfiler, but a bottle of water???? Thats not very bro of you. Good play on the pizza though

kareem abdul jabro said...

I agree with everything that has been said, especially how sick being an out of towner is yourself. I think it's a proven fact that if you're on a different campys, and don't have some horrible physical deformity, your dick is about to get wet stat.

Lebroo-han James said...

Epic post, bravo, bravo.

BROlt Mccoy said...

This was a wonderful read and i anxiously anticipate #97 topic

Anonymous said...

Great read but as a bro i don''t what the hell facade means. sounds like a word a french brohater uses

BROrthopedic Surgeon said...

a perfect example of how being the out of towner yourself is badass is Tiger Woods. So easy to pull multiple slampieces in different area codes.

Rush LimBRO said...

Broger Woods takes down all sorts of pieces and pigs

Anonymous said...

weez the juice, check out my cap

Bro Namath said...

I love this site.

Bro-ham in Md. said...

I agree with everything said her and that being the out of towner yourself is the shit! However, and no bro-hatred intended here, but I do have a problem with what Enzo Brorlami said. No bro should ever have his throat grabbed no matter the circumstance! That is the worst form of disrespect to a bro, especially coming from a "half" bro-hater friend!

Anonymous said...

I have a fucking question for you bros. im only a bro in training so i need fucking advice from you experienced motherfuckers
There is a a local shop that i fucking love, it sells me tobacco and alcohol even though i am a minor and the shop owner is really chill. His daughter is a fucking awesome slam piece too. He got robbed by a freshman who took 70 tins of shoal and now is selling them cheaper. i want to buy them but the shop is not doing well, so i want to fuck this kid up for stealing from this fucking awesome store, even though it is bro to steal. what should i do bros?

Bromeo said...

Shits right about reputations. Slam pieces always want to think they are special and amount to more than just a digit. Thats why out of towners are a goldmine. You can be whoever u want to be that night, the bitch doesnt know you! One of my bros just recently scored me a dime-piece from out of town; went to his high school or some shit. An epic one night slam. The point: Me. The assist: My wing-bro.

EZ-E from BROboken said...

Love it.

"Here EZ-E, meet my naive and lonely friend from college......."

"You got it"

Out of towners or being an out of towner is definitely the way to go, my name is always Reggie in those circumstances.

Brocephus said...

Great post. There are fewer things bro haters hate aka fear more than an out of town bro. Like a back up quarterback that comes in and crushes the opposition, bro haters cannot prepare for the out of town bro. The out of town bro is great because they are able to bring the best of the best jokes and lines from their college and immediatley look hilarious and witty. Live everyday like you're out of town. This is the motto of a true bro king, Brostin City Saloon.

Brohammed the Prophet said...

Stupid fucking slam pieces. They dont understand the first thing aboot one night stands. Always being selfish thinking aboot their future.

Anonymous said...

anonymous, you should totally fuck that kid up. every bro knows it is not cool to steal from the broshop that sells to all the minors. that kid is not a bro and deserves to get his shit rocked

Tostal said...

hahah great post NYB

Wastern Illinois University Bro said...

Once again a truely epic post. Another good thing about being the 'Out of Towner' Is you can steal, shit never get caught. and disrespect everyone with little consequences. Whenever i travel i always come home with a few suviners.

I slayed this one Slam piece when i was a junior she was a senior i high schoool, needless to say she was soon seen on the WIU campus in search for more bro meat.

Bros Slay more gine than excaliber

Christiano BROnaldo said...

Bros love peein the bed on a SP two nights in a row.

Knowshon Moren-BRO said...

I was living in the fraternity house my sophomore year in college, and one of my frat bros decided to invite his bro-hater girlfriend from FSU to town. We were clearly pissed, that is, until we heard that she was bringing 7 FSU sluts with her. It was like Christmas in April. Before the end of the night, 6 out of the 7 slampieces found their way into frat bros' beds. The 7th? She was a fattie and picked up pizza, which we all ate.

Bros are the shit.

Xabi BROlonso said...

bros are fuckin sweet

Anonymous said...

anonymous you sound like a nark and suggest you leave

hugebroner said...

not like smashing a bra is ever hard but it makes it so much easier when they know they will never see you again. Spring break prime example bra's are just willing to give it up and pull that stick out of their ass and finally let loose. (they prob already are) im just saying girls are so much more willing to put out when they have that built in excuss "we prob would be dating if we lived closer"

on a side note, its so much more fun to fuck with people from out of town. you can be as ruthless as you want and they cant do shit or go get their band of world of warcraft friends.

bro-mance said...

this reminds me of a time during my sophmore year when my g/f went home for a weekend. fucking sweet right? even better i was working security for a mike jones concert on campus that night. basically hot girls were showing me there awesome tits if i put them on stage. needles to say there were mad slam pieces on stage. then i saw her... it was my g/f roomate ( who is sexy as fuck) and her best friend from home! i coped a feal and got the bitches on stage and then later me and my roomate met up with the slam pieces. me and my roomate ran train on my g/f roomate and her out of town hot friend. we busted on their face and then kicked them out of our bro pad so we could get some sleep. the girls never told my g/f what happened! fuckin right!

Anonymous said...

good post...this reminds me of my first weekend of college...our slam piece friend liz was stupid enough to invite 18 year old high school senior TWINS for our little friday night adventure. after traveling to blackout city for awhile my bro-mate and i both end up fucking a slam piece apiece AT THE SAME TIME. best part, we didn't even realize it until his slam piece screamed "oh my god!" i saluted my fellow bro from across the room and kept pounding away. bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

nyb do you know anything about fratjerseys.com?. sounds like potentially good frattire but idk what the real deal with it is

Ron MexiBro said...

yea bro out of towners are the shit. the first slam piece i 'infected' with my BROpes was from out of town...she left boston a different woman

BROmethazine said...

being an out of towner yourself is the shit, ESPECIALLY if you're visiting a girl on said campus. it's like fishing with dynamite.
if you don't hook up with at least 2 of her friends that night, you are not a bro.

-Bros are the shit

The Last of the Brohicans said...

the lack of game required to slam an out of towner is great slump-busting potential without the same risk of snagging a clunker associated with normal slump busting crowd of whores. this is great if you are a very giving bro, that you can toss your DOFF a bone by letting him hit on the out of towner so if he actually closes he can act like an even big fat asshole so you and your fellow bros can continue to laugh and rule the world.

Bro Pescii said...

I fucked two different slam pieces who came home for chistmas from college. They met each other and didn't give a shit and I did it some more. Fucking love christmas break.

Brocephus said...

I've gone through the whole thing, and this is probably the funniest post on this site, bar none. Well done.

bronavon frankenreiter said...

being the out of town bro is much better than having out of towners visit. sure, having slam pieces come to you makes it easy but wheres the fun in that? going to another school, doing whatever the fuck you want cause youll never see those bro haters again, and banging the finest pieces of ass is what bros were destined to do. also, you dont have a dorm of your own there so bras will invite you back to their rooms so fast...but its not like they werent going to anyway. just gets the ball rolling a little faster

JaBrory Harris said...

FSU is the slampiece capital of the world. Anyone within a 5 hour radius should make the pilgrimmage to experience being the out of town bro king in Tallahassee.

Bro-ham in Md. said...

Great post! Out of towners are the shit!

Anonymous said...

Out of towners are too easy, plus its nice to have bra's in different area codes....long live bros!

General said...

Auburn slam pieces always love to fuck when they hit the road. If you see an Auburn sticker with sorostitute letters on the back be sure to run into her at the bar later...don't worry she'll be there

SigChiBro said...

This... Is... Fucking... Epic...

Anonymous said...

Fucking right. out of towners are always some fucking slam piece just looking to get laid at a different school because they dont have bros at their school. I can relate to a reputation being the biggest fucking bro hater of all time I am a sophomore about to transfer from my school beacuse i banged all the slampieces here last year and now i have a fucking reputation. Having a reputation is like being a jew in germany during WWII. Fuck it though i still get more pussy than all the fucking bro haters at my school and am going to seriously fuck shit up at my new school next semester. The other good news is its sunday funday and time to get fucking black out for the thrid time this weekend

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