Wednesday, January 19, 2011

#148 Hating Justin Bieber

It was a little over a year ago when I was flipping channels only to land on MTV. During the break between their regularly scheduled “Music Television” programming aka glamorizing 16 year old white trash girls for getting knocked up by prime candidates for Crystal Meth addiction, they were actually playing a music video. It was some little kid that looked like a body double for Spanky from “The Little Rascals.” At first I didn’t really think that much of it. MTV throws shit at the wall and hopes something sticks all the fucking time. I was wrong. Before long the entertainment world was buzzing. You couldn’t turn on the TV without seeing this pumpkin pie haircutted freak acting like he was God’s gift to mankind. More than a year later he still haunts us. He’s still fucking everywhere. He’s fucking Justin Bieber.

Bros hate Justin Bieber. He’s such a little no-talent ass clown piece of shit. Now I’m no fancy music critic, but I can tell you without a doubt that his music fucking sucks. Bros would rather listen to one of those Guinness Book Indian freak shows with long ass fingernails give the blackboard a hand job than a Justin Bieber song. And no, you fucking bro-haters, it’s not because bros are jealous of him. What about Justin Bieber would make bros jealous? His virginity? The fact that he doesn’t have to shave his pubes because they haven’t sprouted yet? Bros don’t give a fuck that women everywhere throw themselves at this little shit. That’s because we realize he wouldn’t have the first idea what to do with a slam piece even if his Mommy ever let him off his leash. I mean seriously, do you even think he knows how to masturbate yet?

The fact that people actually care about what he has to say really pisses bros off. It says something about a society where Justin Bieber whining that Tom Brady should cut his hair is an actual news story. News should focus on covering actual important current events – like Wet T-shirt contests! Besides, Justin Bieber should be the last fucking person to ever talk shit about someone else’s hair. Nothing pisses bros off more than Bieber’s mop. If anyone ever says some shit like, “Yo, why you hatin’?? Bieber’s got some sick flow, he’s a total bro!” I give you permission to slap that motherfucker in the face. Just because he’s rocking the shaggy comb-over hairstyle made popular by the Southern Bro doesn’t automatically make him one. You’re born a bro – and Bieber doesn’t have the fucking bro-netics to rock that shit.

Justin Bieber’s parents realize his window for making cash is closing fast. You just know his parents feed him drugs to avoid puberty. Can you imagine one of his concerts (assuming he actually doesn’t lip synch) when his voice starts cracking and he’s popping boners left and right? Besides, how many child stars have made the successful transition to adult show business? Not fucking many. We’re honestly less than 5 years away from Bieber headlining “Celebrity Rehab.” I can just see him now crying on a couch next to some washed up C-list actress like Topanga from “Boy Meets World” about how his puberty-stunting medication addiction took over his fucking life.

From the Black Plague to Ebola to that one time that slut passed Mono to your entire Freshman hall, the World has seen some deadly epidemics run through it and we’ve somehow survived. Today one of the greatest threats facing bros across the nation is none other than “Bieber Fever.” For the World’s sake, and that of bros everywhere, let’s just pray this disease carries with it a minor side effect: Full Blown AIDS. Stay clean, bros. Avoid the infected.

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

I fuckin hate Bieber, the fact that when I came here to this bro safe haven and had to see an entire fucking post about him makes me destroy other people's property.

BKOD89 said...

How can you tell Tom Brady to cut his flow? Tom Brady is a bro-king and can do whatever the fuck he wants, whenever the fuck he wants

Anonymous said...

That Topenga reference was off-side, Boy Meets World was an unreal show

Anonymous said...

I can just see him now crying on a couch next to some washed up C-list actress like Topanga from “Boy Meets World”

Fuck Boy Meets World

Anonymous said...

Fucking Justin Bieber.. just another example of how fucked up 'bro-hating' society can be. Wow the kid was a hit on youtube. Boom signed with Usher and millions of dollars. Hopefully his mom is already addicted to meth and BeeBop Bieber soon follows.

Bros for life.

Anonymous said...

Agreed with first post. Tom Brady slams the finest dimes on the planet, and lives the ultimate bro lifestyle (pro football).

Bieber... come on man.

The Man With Bro Name said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ITsivZ_lCo


^Justin Beiber getting smacked in the face with a watter bottle thrown by someone at his own concert - Remixed with autotune. Not only is the clip funny, the song is better than anything this little bitch has ever written.

Bros, Enjoy:

Anonymous said...

Whoever threw that water bottle at Justin beiber in that YouTube video is a fuckin bro..

Anonymous said...

my favorite part of this entry was when you shit on justin beiber

bro king from cheshire said...

Nyb, well done, its about time that this bitch of an issue "bieber fever" has been brought to light as the epidemic it is. However, unlike yourself I immediately realized how much deep shit we were in the moment I spotted this kid. Much like jb's partner in crime "the jonas brothers" (which should have been mentioned in this post) these douchebags represent all that we hate. They have this gay image, and think they are the greatest things to ever walk the earth. I mean did you see the bedazzled letterman jacket bieber wore during the vma's, then he went into a drum solo thinking he was john bonham. But more than the image and the promoting of all this gay shit, bros especially hate that crap some call music that is polluting our airwaves. BROS..listen, we can all agree on what good music. Personally I blast the shit out of my cars speakers with pearl jam, hootie and the blowfish, and a lot of other great 90's alternative, along with classic rock on occassion. Bros, fight this epidemic. Bros are the shit.

Ali G as BROrat... Sexytime said...

good post, its embarassing that some idiots feel so desperate for attention and slam piece recruitment that they have to begin identifying with their counterparts, bras. if he had tits he would look like a junior dyke. pretty sad that this shit passes as entertainment now a days. i want to meet the dude who tossed the bottle at the little fag and buy him a few shots.

Brodin, Ruler of Brasgard said...

I nailed this slampiece a few weeks ago after a party at her house.

She's passed out on her bed after our trip to pound town, and I get on her laptop to check the score of the Duke game while she's asleep. Her iTunes is running when I log-in, and I notice that she has an entire Justin Bieber album recently purchsed and sitting at the bottom of her library.

This chick is really hot and I plan on banging her again, but there is no fucking way in hell I'm going to risk having to accidentally hear some of Justin Bieber's faggy bullshit music the next time I'm over at her house. So what did I do?

That's right - I deleted that shit right off her computer, and I replaced it with a sampling of some true Bro music instead (purchased using her iTunes account of course, since she was dumb enough to leave her password saved).

Once my dick has been inside a slampiece, Justin Bieber's shitty music is no longer allowed to reach her ears. That's a fucking Bro rule, and you better believe I make sure it is enforced.

Bro Life.

Anonymous said...

hes Canadian...

Anonymous said...

The person who threw the water bottle at Justin Beiber was not a Bro. A Bro would never go to one of his gay little concerts.

Anonymous said...

That little hipster needs to STFU

Paul Bro'Neill said...

Thank you, NYB. Bieber is all that is not bro. His days are numbered. Bro on.

BROcky Balboa said...

Tom Brady carries a fucking man-purse, which automatically makes him un-Bro regardless of how many dumb ass slam pieces throw themselves at him.

Ali G as BROrat...Sexytime said...

yo Anon about 5 posts up, im canadian, i represented canadian bros hard in the states for college and had slams lined up to jump on the foreign dudes dick like a pogo stick. i take pride in being able to outdrink everyone i encounter, including the people i met in america. watch what u say dude hillary clinton is american i dont go using that dyke to build a representation of every american, i loved my bros in the land of the free. i apologize on behalf of all canadians for bieber and crosby, we dont like them, and we're pretty sure they're Al-Quada imposters. every country has their list of bro haters and fags, bros need to stick together no matter where theyr from to promote much drunkeness and hilarious movie quotes.

Anonymous said...

i don't know if you guys have seen any commercials but the turd has a movie coming out next month. Gotta make money while he still can.

Brophelio said...

This girl I hooked up with was now driving my bros and I to a party (made her our own personal taxi of course). As we're driving, she tries to do something 'cute', and plays some song that has a pre-teen girl screeching to some ear-raping beat (has an alias of Bieber apparently).

While she thought it was funny, I fucking had enough. Made her turn that shit off, and told her never to pull that shit again. This of course resulted in me #44 Making Girls Cry. I let her keep driving, my bros gave me some #13 Skin Slappin', which got me out of that shitty mood that skank slam piece put me in.

BROshon Moreno said...

Lay off on Boy Meets World, bros.

Topanga may be C-List, but she's got some D-Cups.

Anonymous said...

haha "no-talent ass clown", awesome reference to Office Space, the greatest Bro film of all time. Great Post.

Anonymous said...

Ali G as BROrat... Sexytime, this is Bromerica fuck Canada its not chill

Anonymous said...

I would like to aplogize on behalf of all Ontaribros for this squeaky little faggot coming from the same province I call home. Candian bros hate on this shitrat especially hard and are ashamed it comes from the same country we're from. Unfortunately I cannot apologize for the pussy bro-hater above me saying fuck my country cause his pitiful excuse of a mind prevents him from coming up with something more clever than that.

Anonymous said...

Bros I cherish the sacred things in life, 30 packs off natty light, slampieces in sundresses on gameday, my lifted 2500 hd that my parents bought me, my beach houses, picking up slampieces with my bros at the beach when we ve got a nice skimline going, my brostas, booze cruises, unprotected sex, etc... Basically the things that make this nation we call Bromerica great. Justin Bieber mocks the mere existence of all things bro. Maybe the next concert someone will throw a brick instead of a water bottle and do us all a favor. Also, maple syrup is not bro.

Anonymous said...

Bieber is rich as shit

Anonymous said...

Anon two up. What am I suppose to put on my pancakes that come with my Dennys Lumbrojack Slam?

BROshon Moreno said...

Anonymous one up. If you're referring to 3:30am Dennys trip, and I would advise putting your slampiece on the counter and giving her your own Lumbrojack Slam.

'Merica said...

I hate justin bieber because I love freedom and liberty, and therefore hate liberals. Fuck that lib-boy justin bieber.

Brodeo said...

That 'Indian nails handjob blackboard' reference was fucking classic.

Napoleon Bronaparte said...

Bros, bros, bros...anyone here that is a true bro must be aware by now of the massive bro-hating society puts on us, trying to wipe us completely out in an unthinkable genBROcide. We can not have these fights amongst ourselves, creating nationality divisions. While I agree, as an American, that #4 chanting about how much I #63 love America is fucking sweet, I also know that, above all, we are all connected as bros. Let's put aside the division and unite as one Bro-dom, so we can fight back this broppression we face.

Anonymous said...

The only way the person who threw the bottle at Bieber was a bro was if he was was a dad or something and a former bro and had enough of that faggot talking about how his 7 year old daughter gets him hard. In that case, he is indeed a bro king

Johnny said...

Great post NYB, and reference to Dumb and Dumber "gimme the booze you pumpkin pie haircutted freak!"

Anonymous said...

the biebs. can't hate on a little bro who throws shit online and becomes famous. Doucher? yes. Bro who knows what it takes to get any strange he wants? yes.

Anonymous said...

Justin Bieber can't even write his own fuckin music, a team of proffesional song writers push them out like disney stars. Justin Bieber is our generation's aaron carter

Anonymous said...

First off fuck canada because
a.)your beer is expensive as shit
b.)your not american
c.)your part fucking french
d.)you cant win when you host your own olympics we rape u
e.)you impose on our sports leagues and suck
Nobody can even measure up to the red white and blue ...eh

BROed in Canada said...

This one's for Anon 1 above.

a.) Our beer is expensive as shit, yes, but at least it doesn't taste like fucking water unlike American brews. It has a higher alcohol content, and us Canadians could still drink 3x as much of our beer than you could yours.

b.) Way to state the obvious douchebag. Us true bro's don't go to class as we would be having brews with the boys at 12 noon preparing for our trip to poundtown later that night and we could still come up with something a little more clever than that. You are definitely a Wanna-Be-Bro who doesn't have the balls to skip a class in his life.

c.) Once again, you show that your a dumbass Wanna-Be-Bro. I'd say maybe 20% of Canadians are part french and maybe 10% can speak it. Your jealous of their accents cause they steal all your Slampiece's.

d.) More evidence of a Wanna-Be-Bro. Maybe you should check the medals again. Yeah you had 11 more total, who gives a shit about second or third though. We had 5 more gold than you. I guess your used to falling a little short. Not to mention your country has 10x as many people.

e.) Ok so lets go with the four big sports, 'Basketball, Football, Baseball, Hockey.' So basketball, invented by a Canadian. Football, we don't have an NFL team so we can't 'impose.' Baseball, the bluejays could make the playoffs in any other division in the league. And hockey? I think we all know that we win there. 75% of NHL players are Canadian, and we got gold in the Olympics. So lets see... Canada 4, USA 0.

Maybe next time you should take your jealousy out on someone like Bieber. Cause we all know your jealous of him. You wish those 13 year old girls would throw themselves at you cause thats all you can get.

I've got nothing against true American Bro's or any other Bro for that matter. I just hate to see a Wanna-Be-Bro try to blend in with true bro's.

Brodega said...

Canada is America's lumber yard.

Anonymous said...

Canada is bro as shit, not only is our beer stronger but our slampieces are hotter.

Anonymous said...

for BROed in Canada:

a) yes your beer may be better but when us americans come up and by it we take it back to AMERICA

b)i went to class AFTER having brews with the boys at 12 noon and then AFTER class i took my ot slampiece prof to poundtown

c) who the fuck cares

d)wow a country that has winter year round got 5 more gold medals in the winter olympics than us YIPPEE

e) ill give you the hockey gold medal in the olympics. im a pittsburgh penguins fan therefore a sid crosby fan. oh wait a minute sid is canadaian and he plays for an AMERICAN team. 30 teams in the NHL 24 are in AMERICA. of those 75 % canadian players just how many play on AMERICAN teams in AMERICA? probably as many as your other entertainers and celebs who leave your frozen wasteland to make it big in AMERICA

Brochacho said...

I hate music for teenage girls just as much as the next guy, but whats "no-talent, faggot ass, bro-hating" about an 18 year old dude with millions of girls chanting his name. I bet you at this moment while you reading this Beiber is banging 3 chicks right now, ages 18, 24, 28, and isn't going to remember any of their fucking names afterwards.

Beiber gets pussy, im just sayin

Anonymous said...

you bros will love this vid about the biebs haha. fricken rick astley throws it down!

Anonymous said...

funny ass shit about bieber right here! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msE_X37BZcw

Anonymous said...

To the dumbass who said Americans buy beer from Canada and take it back... You realize that's an admission of Canuck superiority. Why drive the fuck to another country for better beer when you can get it from the liquor store down the block? And Frenchies, the vast minority, aren't bros. We like them about as much as you do. We're also the only country where we man up and wear t-shirts in -40 Celsius. And don't get frostbite. Sluts go to the bar in minis. If you're less man than our bitches, you shouldn't talk. Not to mention how much more liberal about weed we are and our seriously awesome lack if guidos in comparison to the States. And me and my pledge bro together outdrank the Americans and Europeans combined in Europe. And we're small guys. Canadian bros really aren't that different from you. I'm not saying we're the best country in the world, but we have awesome fucking bros. Anyone who denies that is waaaaay too much of an ignorant dipshit to be a bro. Go cry to your fucking rich daddy when the temperature drops below 20. We in the meantime will man up instead of acting like spoiled boys.

Link said...

Beiber's gay why do all the 5 year old girls think they're going to marry him? F------g Canadian (no offense to other Canadians; you're much better than americans)

Anonymous said...

This little motherfucker gets on my nerves. He has no talent and he is a joke. If I was at his concert I would throw tomatoes at him like people did back in the day when stupid shit hit the fan

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