It was a little over a year ago when I was flipping channels only to land on MTV. During the break between their regularly scheduled “Music Television” programming aka glamorizing 16 year old white trash girls for getting knocked up by prime candidates for Crystal Meth addiction, they were actually playing a music video. It was some little kid that looked like a body double for Spanky from “The Little Rascals.” At first I didn’t really think that much of it. MTV throws shit at the wall and hopes something sticks all the fucking time. I was wrong. Before long the entertainment world was buzzing. You couldn’t turn on the TV without seeing this pumpkin pie haircutted freak acting like he was God’s gift to mankind. More than a year later he still haunts us. He’s still fucking everywhere. He’s fucking Justin Bieber.
Bros hate Justin Bieber. He’s such a little no-talent ass clown piece of shit. Now I’m no fancy music critic, but I can tell you without a doubt that his music fucking sucks. Bros would rather listen to one of those Guinness Book Indian freak shows with long ass fingernails give the blackboard a hand job than a Justin Bieber song. And no, you fucking bro-haters, it’s not because bros are jealous of him. What about Justin Bieber would make bros jealous? His virginity? The fact that he doesn’t have to shave his pubes because they haven’t sprouted yet? Bros don’t give a fuck that women everywhere throw themselves at this little shit. That’s because we realize he wouldn’t have the first idea what to do with a slam piece even if his Mommy ever let him off his leash. I mean seriously, do you even think he knows how to masturbate yet?
The fact that people actually care about what he has to say really pisses bros off. It says something about a society where Justin Bieber whining that Tom Brady should cut his hair is an actual news story. News should focus on covering actual important current events – like Wet T-shirt contests! Besides, Justin Bieber should be the last fucking person to ever talk shit about someone else’s hair. Nothing pisses bros off more than Bieber’s mop. If anyone ever says some shit like, “Yo, why you hatin’?? Bieber’s got some sick flow, he’s a total bro!” I give you permission to slap that motherfucker in the face. Just because he’s rocking the shaggy comb-over hairstyle made popular by the Southern Bro doesn’t automatically make him one. You’re born a bro – and Bieber doesn’t have the fucking bro-netics to rock that shit.
Justin Bieber’s parents realize his window for making cash is closing fast. You just know his parents feed him drugs to avoid puberty. Can you imagine one of his concerts (assuming he actually doesn’t lip synch) when his voice starts cracking and he’s popping boners left and right? Besides, how many child stars have made the successful transition to adult show business? Not fucking many. We’re honestly less than 5 years away from Bieber headlining “Celebrity Rehab.” I can just see him now crying on a couch next to some washed up C-list actress like Topanga from “Boy Meets World” about how his puberty-stunting medication addiction took over his fucking life.
From the Black Plague to Ebola to that one time that slut passed Mono to your entire Freshman hall, the World has seen some deadly epidemics run through it and we’ve somehow survived. Today one of the greatest threats facing bros across the nation is none other than “Bieber Fever.” For the World’s sake, and that of bros everywhere, let’s just pray this disease carries with it a minor side effect: Full Blown AIDS. Stay clean, bros. Avoid the infected.