Tuesday, June 14, 2011

#170 Thongs

Feminists are just fucking jealous. For every big ass dyke who looks like she’s straight off the set of “Harry and the Hendersons” claiming women are “more than just sexual objects,” there’s like 500 girls doing whatever they fucking can to get better looking. They use pushup bras, expensive ass jeans, a shitload of makeup, and spend thousands of dollars just so their hair looks “cute.” But before they do any of this shit, they reach into their dresser drawer for the piece of “clothing” that demonstrates the undeniable fact that girls will do anything to bang a bro. They say, “Fuck you,” to feminists who insist on draping themselves in Granny panties. Yes, they snag that lacy excuse for a rubber band because deep down they know, they fucking love bros, and bros fucking love thongs.

Thongs represent all the great work our fore-bros have accomplished throughout history. Now, obviously, I’ve never personally tried on a thong, but I can imagine that wearing “underwear” that consists merely of a fabric string pulled up tight on your ass crack isn’t the most comfortable feeling in the fucking world. So why do girls wear them? While it’s probably partially due to the fact that they get some sort of twisted sexual pleasure out of that shit, it’s mostly because they just want to impress us.

When girls strap on those thongs, they’re thinking one thing: “God I hope a bro nails me!” Why the fuck else would they spend so much time trying to make their ass cheeks look perfect? It’s not like when they match their shoes to their fucking purse, where the only reason they wear that shit is to impress other girls. It’s common knowledge girls who pack their asses into a thong aren’t out looking for a husband either. How many TheKnot.com pages start the “How We Met” section with, “Well, thanks to my thong, my ass was looking REAL GOOD, so he approached me to tell me that and….” Fuck that, girls only wear that shit to get that ticket for the Pound Town Express.

I love how jeans are now made for girls so they’re pretty much required to wear a thong in order to “show off the curves of your body.” While “curves” normally refers to some line of fat girl clothing Khloe Kardashian endorses, in this case it’s a good thing. The fact that Women’s fashion is now catering to what bros want makes me think that we’ve got a chance in this Brocist World.

On a serious note though, if you girls out there want your ass to look it’s best, then why wear underwear at all? I guess there’s some sort of feminine hygiene shit involved that I really don’t want to fucking think about, but come on, is that little patch in the front actually doing anything? Is it to protect from your skirt flying up while you’re standing over some street grate like that whore Marilyn Monroe? And how dirty do thongs get? Do you have to like bleach your asshole before wearing it? One of the most repulsive things I’ve ever seen was a thong with fucking skid marks. After dry heaving for a couple minutes I obviously picked that shit up and threw it at one of my bros, but I still haven’t erased that fucking haunting memory. I mean, I can understand what she was thinking, probably just excited to get out of the bathroom to go try to bang some bros, but come on, at least fucking wipe once.

There are a lot of girls out there who call bros names. They say we’re pigs. They say we objectify women. They say we’re fucking crazy. Well I say to those people, fucking open your eyes. Bros aren’t the ones objectifying women – look no further than the so-called “victim.” Is she wearing those high heels, push up bra, and thong because they feel good? Nope – she wants us to notice, to hit on her, and to bang her. So, to the creator of thongs (probably God), I fucking salute you. You truly are a King among Bros.

18 comments:

Rashard Lewis said...

Perfect fucking post NYB. Every slut knows the second those pieces of fabric rub in their ass cheeks, it's for a reason. Sluts love bros, and bros fucking love thongs.

Anonymous said...

NYB: You still got it bro.

Anonymous said...

the transition i've seen some females make over the years is amazing, the triangle top thong, the boy short thong, the g-string its all amazing. even better when they hit the floor after being thrown across the room

Anonymous said...

A thong under a skirt is the ultimate "fuck me in the bar bathroom" enabler. Sexy, yet no need to remove any clothing.

Anonymous said...

Great post NYB. I personally like to believe the purpose of thongs is to prime the slam piece's bottom two holes for poundage. Chicks grind up on bros with thongs up their ass and then do the 180 degree turn to front-grind so the fabric makes their pussy moist. Thongs = bros best friend.

Anonymous said...

Good post. I was expecting a Sisqo reference.

Kid Who Looks Bro said...

NYB you really outdid yourself!

"Is she wearing those high heels, push up bra, and thong because they feel good? Nope – she wants us to notice, to hit on her, and to bang her."

One of my x-slampieces had a drawer of literally over 100 thongs. I mean is that really necessary? Who needs that much underwear I own like 20 pairs of boxers and thats enough. Sluts want to feel sexy and for Bros to think they look sexy. Bros aren't womanizers whatsoever. If Bros didn't like girls would they really bang so many of them???

charlie said...

Classic! awesome post brotha man

cal said...

This is so fucking true. I love thongs and everything they stand for. Nothing better than reaching around and down to find that little piece of ass floss. Best part, like you said, is chicks flock to victoria's secret to but tinier ones while bros soak it up.

Anonymous said...

NYB you should do post about getting jobs you're either a)unqualified for or b)did absolutley nothing to earn it other than being a bro. Currently, this will be third year as a sophomore in college, and every summer my uncle hooks it up with an internship for 17 bucks an hour. Most the other interns are either graduating on time like they're supposed or worked there way into these competive internships. Not this guy, I get this internship because it's my fucking birth right. And I'm going to have it every summer for my next four years college. Because leaving college after only four years is like leaving a party at 10.

Anonymous said...

To above poster,

Why the fuck would you publicly post that you make "17/hour"? That is decent for college but is basically complete shit anywhere else. Keep that embarrassing number to yourself LOSER.

Anonymous said...

What better way to compliment a thong then with some white/black yoga pants. Might as well not be wearing anything

Anonymous said...

One time I saw a #3 slut in the dead of winter wearing a black thong with black see thru leggings and a girly coat. Maybe there is hope to end Brocism after all.

Anonymous said...

So fuckin true yoga pants and thong=ultimate slampiece

Anonymous said...

thongs = NO PANTY LINE

Anonymous said...

ummm...or girls wear thongs so we don't have an underwear line? And thongs are not uncomfortable at all. Don't flatter yourself..not everything is about you naive, pretentious, egotistical "bros." Good god, grow the fuck up. Have fun banging a bunch of "slampieces"..but once you've had over 20 partners your chance for a lasting marriage goes down 50%. But since none of yall will ever grow up, and will still think you're a frat start when you're 45..I guess you're in the clear for a long, happy life...ha. Bros are not men. Any woman who is a catch wants a MAN..all of yall are just a bunch of immature young BOYS.

Anonymous said...

Decent for college, which he is in. An internship at a company that actually pays interns, when many do it for free (or for 'experience' if they're pathetic enough to try and justify giving away their time to you) Guaranteed job, when 1 in 10 Americans can't even get a job at fucking McDonalds. I can't tell if you're naive or a dumbass, but I'm convinced you aren't a bro either way.

Anonymous said...

This goes along with bros love being ass holes. She probably got banged by a bro last night and never talked to again. I bet you've been banged by plenty of bros :). Or your the fat chick that watches your friend leave with bros hahaha

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