Friday, June 24, 2011

Songs Bros Hate: "Jam (Turn It Up)" by Kim Kardashian

Once upon a time, music actually meant something. There were simple rules, if you were extremely talented, you might get the chance to land a record deal. Unfortunately, we now live in a world where these rules no longer apply. You see, these days, you don’t need useless shit like “talent,” “rhythm,” or even “a good voice” to land a record deal. No, all you fucking need is a sex tape and a couple million twitter followers. As you might have guessed from past posts, I hate the Kardashian family. They’re fucking no-talent ass clowns, yet they’re fucking everywhere. Why the fuck do I have to see Khloe’s frying pan face staring at me on People magazine when I pick up a case at 7-11? More importantly, why the fuck do people actually care how her relationship with Lamar Odom is going? Spoiler alert for all you “Khloe and Lamar” fans out there: they’re gonna get divorced. Anyways, obviously Kim is way too talented to be confined to her reality TV show/clothing line/perfume/amateur sex films, so she needed to really spread her wings. Thank God there was a record label willing to sell their soul to the devil. Let’s take a look at the lyrics to Kim’s new hit single, “Jam (Turn It Up).”

o-o-oh
o-o-oh
o-o-oh
o-o-oh
Kim is obviously looking to make sure all her fans recognize her by producing the same sounds that made her famous after banging some has-been singer’s little brother on camera.

turn me on turn me up
turn me turn me turn me up! yeah, yeah, yeah!
turn me on turn me up
turn me turn me turn me up! yeah, yeah, yeah!
You’re turned on already, bitch, that’s why you’re already fucking piecing our eardrums. How do you think the writers came up with the title of this song? I’m guessing they wrote all the shitty lyrics first with nothing more but it’s original title, “Untitled Song by Fat Ass,” then at the last minute, probably on the edge of slitting their fucking wrists because they’re lives have come to writing songs for Kim Kardashian they had the fucking brilliant revelation, “JAM (TURN IT UP)! IT SAYS EVERYTHING!!!”

I’m going out tonight
going down (on some Black Dude)
heading straight to the final line
on the fly on the floor i can’t stay still
and I’m going to work like I’m paying my bills! bills!
The fact that Kim even has the nerve to mention the word “work” in her song proves that she’s fucking delusional. “OH, BUT WE DO SO MUCH WORK IN FASHION!!” Fashion isn’t fucking work. It’s what rich girls do until they’re daddies cut them off and they have to find some 40 year old loaded guy to marry. Fashion to girls is what playing in the Major Leagues is to bros, except we’re fucking smart enough to give that shit up when we’re like 11, not fucking 25.

my whole clique is on the floor,
Meaning her sisters, since Kardashians are obviously too fucking good for friends who aren’t as talented as they are. If this is the case, I’m guessing there’s not much of a dance floor anymore since after Khloe hit it it turned into fucking Hiroshima.

we’re gonna party then
party some more
(Main takeaway: We love to PARTY!! And after we get done partying, WE FUCKING PARTY AGAIN!!!)

rose up in the air
feeling good, feeling great

chorus:
and they playn’ my jam
they playn’ my jam
they playn’ my jam
they playn’ my jam
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up

dj,
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
so i can rock the night away, away!
HOLY FUCK, stop the presses! They’re playing THE Kim Kardashian’s jam! Obviously not this song because it fucking sucks, but another one! You know HER JAM. And Kim is fucking angry! It’s not loud enough! Come on DJ, turn it up…or else: “YOU BETTER DO WHAT I SAY, YOU FUCKING DJ, TURN IT UP!! DON’T YOU REALIZE MY FATHER READ OJ’s SUICIDE NOTE 17 YEARS AGO?!?! I’M FUCKING FAMOUS!!”

i’mma burn it out tonight,
it’s goin’ down
by live via satellite
The sad part about this is that I’m sure people would actually pay money to watch Kim Kardashian at the club via satellite. Don’t believe me? This shitty song has 6 MILLION HITS on Youtube! Is there any way we can promote some live Kim Kardashian concert, then when all the “fans of her work” show up we just fucking pelt them with mustard gas?

and all I see is angels in my eyes
and the buzz got me way up in the sky.
maybach in the front
pick out any boy that i want
dj here I am
feeling good, feeling great, just got paid.
Oh, WOW, Kim’s decided to spend some time telling us how much better she is than us! Not only does she have a Maybach out front, but she’s obviously got the pick of any boy she wants! I’ve got to admit, before I read this verse, I was like, “Shit, Kim’s got nothing on me!” But now, I’m like, “Whoa, Kim, can I feed you grapes and fan you??” All hail Queen Kim! Hopefully her next song talks about rims!! And she just got paid! We’ve all been there, trying to make ends meet before those royalties from a TV show about us getting into fights with our Mom over who left the kitchen dirty kick in. So good to just kick back at the club with a bottle of $5K Champagne.

chorus:
and they playn’ my jam
they playn’ my jam
they playn’ my jam
they playn’ my jam
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up

dj,
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
so i can rock the night away, away!
Again, the writers had to find a way to kill 30 seconds in this fucking Trail or Tears of a song. I can only imagine the brainpower floating around that room: “We could either have a verse about how great her shoes look or another chorus??”

girls in the building,
fellas in the club,
boys spending money
girls looking good.
I’m on the floor, living my life
feeling so good, feeling so right!
got my hands up,
celebrate like it’s my birthday
five more shots of tequila
I’m thirsty!
feeling so good, I’m feeling so great
tonight!
Five more shots of tequila?? But what about that Maybach?? Are you really telling little girls out there that drinking and driving is OK?? And why are the “boys spending money” I thought you just fucking got paid? Would it really hurt to actually buy your own fucking drink every once in awhile, or do you have to lead on some guy who you’ll never bang because he doesn’t play a Professional Sport? I also like the amazing rhyming technique. “Now we want to let everyone know that Kim’s partying like it’s her birthday, but we also don’t want to abandon the poetic integrity of this song. . . I’VE GOT IT, “I’m Thirsty!”

chorus:
and they playn’ my jam
they playn’ my jam
they playn’ my jam
they playn’ my jam
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up

dj,
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
so i can rock the night away, away!
turn me turn me turn me up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
turn it up turn it up
Wow, that was literally worse than the Holocaust. So what have we learned?

1) Kim Kardashian loves to party.
2) Kim Kardashian loves to drink and drive.
3) Kim Kardashian is better than us.
4) Kim Kardashian knows more about the proper volume of music than a professional DJ.
5) Kim Kardashian fucking loves to party.

Honestly, I’m happy that they decided to make this song. This is all shit that people need to know. I mean sure it's fucking stupid, but all songs are stupid if you really think about it. I imagine our grandchildren will look back at songs like this just like we do with ridiculous musicians like The Beatles (Yellow Submarine??? What the fuck is that all about??? Ridiculous!!!) Until then, we’ll have live with more fucking “reality stars” taking dumps in our ears.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm not reading this. I don't want to see the lyrics to her song

Anonymous said...

I'd still hit it.

Anonymous said...

Ew I wouldn't touch that nasty greasy guido slut

chadbrochill33 said...

I just wish I had been there to see the confused look on Lamar Odom's face when he realized he married the wrong Kardashian.

BROmba Walker said...

NYB, If you hate socialites, then you'll love this clip of Howard Stern on why he thinks Paris Hilton's new show should be called the Making of a Vomit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEC-Egns4ns

Anonymous said...

i listened to this song to see how shitty it was and i went to give it a thumbs down but u cant. Im guessing too many people gave it a thumbs down?

cal said...

Like the new feature on here NYB. Plenty of songs out there to keep this up

MTIS1 said...

Yellow Submarine is about being on Shrooms/LSD. So is Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite, Octopus's Garden, Fool on The Hill, StrawberryFields for Ever, Glass Onion, etc. I fucking love this, like all your posts though NYB.

Anonymous said...

The kardashians are as talented as bucket of wet rags, may they burn in hell

Anonymous said...

NYB you are again the voice of truth I'm glad someone with a following is taking the time to address the issue of people famous for having a fat ass getting to make shitty music that we will probably be forced to listen to at sometime. Thanks again

Anonymous said...

Sure, we all really hate those bitches, but in the second to last paragraph you kinda made her sound like a bro...

Anonymous said...

What her mouth needs is a penis in it, might shut her up too.

Anonymous said...

NYB, can you please do this for every shitty lady gaga song.

Anonymous said...

i started reading, saw all the lyrics, stopped reading, nyb not even you can make this worthwhile

Anonymous said...

id still slam that bitch

Brocydion said...

Just so you all know, the song "Yellow Submarine" isn't supposed 2 mean anything. It's just a song they made while on some drug just like half of there other songs. For example Lucy in the Sky of Diamonds is about their trip on LSD

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Copyright 2010 Bros Like This Site LLC