We’re too fucking big for rest of the World. “Normal people” see these genetically superior beings constantly getting wasted, having more fun in one night out than they do in their entire fucking lives and naturally, they get jealous. Their first move is to try to be like us. They go out and get drunk, only to find out they can’t fucking handle that shit and inevitably start desperately “hitting” on some whale by telling her all about their fucking Star Wars action figure set. Once these losers realize they’ll never be able to bang some random girl the first night they meet them, and instead are doomed to actually going out on fucking dates, they rapidly transform from John Doe in “Se7en” to motherfucking Mills - their envy becomes wrath. They start fucking labeling us as #124 Alcoholics or Douche Bags. They say we’re “what’s wrong with America.” They call US losers. US! While these Brocist slurs are ludicrous, slanderous, and ultimately uncalled for, there’s yet another term that they think offends us, that they think “puts us in our place,” but the fucking joke’s on them. We’re bros and we have every fucking right to be “cocky.”
What the fuck is “being cocky” anyways? Wikipedia defines that shit as “boldly or brashly self-confident.” And this is a bad thing? Isn’t the entire point of raising children to instill confidence in them? Isn’t that the reason that every little kid gets a trophy, you know so they feel good about themselves? Basically what these fucking Bro-Haters are saying is that high self-esteem is a bad thing, and that everyone would be much better off thinking they’re pieces of shit and hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you just go and commit suicide! Sure beats feeling good about yourself! You know what all this shit is? It’s fucking loser talk. Anyone who calls bros “cocky” is just jealous of how fucking awesome we are. And since that person is a fucking loser and obviously can’t ever be a bro, this is their last ditch effort to try to break us down so we stoop to their pathetic level.
The thing is, bros realize they’re fucking cocky. We embrace that shit. When you’re the best, it’s not cockiness - it’s honesty. And when was the last time being cocky was such a bad thing? When has confidence ever proved to be a negative? When was the last time a guy went home with a fucking dime piece by sitting in the corner, too nervous to even approach her (not counting serial killers). Bros use their “cockiness” to hit on anything in a fucking skirt. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection? Fat fucking chance. Even if you do get some fucking prude ass bitch, whatever, just make sure to point out one of her deformities, like her little ears or some shit and move on to the next hole.
Honestly, If you don’t like how fucking awesome bros are, then it’s your fucking loss. Leave the bar to the professionals and go play Cranium with all your other fucking loser friends. It’s not like we’re delusional thinking we’re God’s gift to Earth. We fucking know that shit – you know how? Our entire lives everyone’s been telling us how fucking amazing we are. Remember those gym classes you always hated? Yeah, we were picked first for Dodge Ball AND pegged your ass in the fucking face. Remember how you went on 8 dates with that girl with nothing to show for it, only to have her stop responding to your texts? Yeah, everytime we set foot in a bar there’s an 85% chance we’ll be getting fucking laid. Remember how you had to fucking work at the Campus Post Office to put yourself through College? Yeah, I was busy buying a golf cart with my fucking Trust Fund just so I could destroy that shit. We’re bros – we don’t just think we’re better than everyone else, we fucking are.
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