#13 Slappin' Skin

So, you’re at the bar. All of the sudden some guy you used to shotgun beers with back in college comes up to you. You’re fucking thrilled to see him, but unlike bras who in this situation would start screaming and hugging immediately, you are a bro so you stay in control. You interlock hands and give a half brother hug pounding your fist against his back. Sure this is an obvious move for this situation, but which situations warrant the different types of bro-shakes.

Interlocking Handshake – We really aren’t that far away from this becoming the new acceptable handshake. You can always tell you are meeting a bro because instead of the 20th century style handshake, you immediately get the interlocking thumb grip into finger cupping. In college there was one guy who would snap his fingers after every 21st century handshake. Was he a bro? Well, he literally peed sitting down, I’ll let you judge.

Fist Pound – Bros love Black guys. Therefore, they try to do anything that Black guys think is cool. I’m pretty sure that Black guys don’t think fist pounding is cool anymore, and that’s probably because bros have started doing it. A simple fist pound – executed correctly – can be one of the smoothest moves for a bro. Things to remember – don’t force a fist pound. You have to be sure you are going to get the fist pound back, you don’t want to have the terrible bro-ment where you go for the fist pound while the other bro is going for the interlocking handshake. You just end up looking like an idiot and more importantly, everyone will know you are not a bro. Also, never overdo fist pounds. If you ever have to say “pound it” you are overdoing it. Finally, no bro should ever EVER pretend that the fist pound is a bomb. Pretending a fist pound is a bomb gives one instant bro-hater status.

High Five – This is the classic bro move. It is a fact that high fives are an extremely underrated art form, and they are most prevalent to mid 80’s to early 90’s when the Saved by the Bell gang used to get the group five together to close out another killer episode. However, these days the high five has become a much less personal greeting. Bros rarely will greet other bros with high fives, instead they save the high five for girls they have recently drunkenly hooked up with. It’s the perfect go to when you haven’t called a girl for weeks and you run into her at the bar. You are pretty sure you are going to get resistance if you go in for the hug so instead you give a non-awkward high five. The high five basically says, “Hey, sure it looks pretty obvious I didn’t want anything to do with you, but come on slap my hand and maybe we can get drunk tonight and bring back that dorm room passion we shared with your roommate on the bottom bunk crying audibly while she pretended to sleep.”

#12 Pretending you don’t know people you met while drunk

It’s inevitable that when out getting shitfaced, bros are going to meet new people, whether it’s a friend of a friend, or just some random girl you meet at the bar. Often times you will be on the verge of blackout but chances are you are going to remember talking to this new “friend.” However, if you are a bro, the next time you see this person, you better not fucking acknowledge their presence. Why is that you ask? Because there is a good chance that the other person was blacked out and by no means do you want to initiate any conversation whatsoever where a girl doesn’t remember you. So, instead, you act as though you were so blacked out that you have no recollection of ever meeting that person. Not only will you look cool as shit for getting Blackout drunk, but you will also convey the idea that the girl is not worth your time – and girls love that shit. If you must, when meeting the person for a second time chime in with “I think we might have met one time when we were drunk” but never offer anything else.

After time you tend to develop drunk relationships where you only talk to certain people when you are wasted. This can be very hard to manage – you do not, I repeat DO NOT want to be the one who breaks the relationship by talking to the person sober. This makes you look needy and like a loser. Instead whenever you see the person around campus or the neighborhood you look the other way or pretend you are getting a phone call and walk quickly past them.

Perhaps the greatest bro move is acting like you don’t even recognize someone you hooked up with the night before. Re-introducing yourself to you make-out partner from the night before is a total bro-move. This makes it look like not only do you get fucked up, but you also hook up with so many chicks that she was not important to you at all, and that is awesome.