Tuesday, June 2, 2009

#25 Talking About Their Dumps

Though there are many divides between bros and bras, there is one difference that stands out. Much like they spend their entire life trying to conceal their nipples from others, bras constantly try to convince everyone that they don’t take dumps. Honestly, you would never know that bras drop deuces if you didn’t read about it in Bio class growing up. The fact that they have to sit down to pee also works strongly in their favor, as they are able to hide their activity. Bros on the other hand are quite different. Taking a dump is a sense of accomplishment. Not only does he want others to know what he has done, but he also wants them to know the vivid details. Here are some of the most important things that a bro makes sure others know about:

Just How Bad He Has To Shit - If you’ve ever been on a road trip with a bro, you’ll know if someone has to take a dump. They seriously won’t stop talking about it. “I am going to fucking blow up this bathroom at the next gas station,” or “I’m about to explode all over this back seat” are common bro explanations. Lots of grunting and moaning are also common amongst bros. If the bathroom is occupied, you are likely to see the bro banging down the door screaming he is going to shit his pants if they don’t hurry.

Doing the Damage – Bros love the act of taking shits. It’s a fact. When in the comfort of their own home, bros might spend up to a half hour in the bathroom doing the dirty. To occupy them they often bring their laptop so they can check facebook while they dump. If they are at work, bros will either print out ESPN articles or, if it is an emergency, just read old text messages/ send text messages to their fellow bros informing them that they are indeed “taking a big shit at work.” Bros are also extremely proud of what they produce. Sometimes, if the bro has done all his work with no breaks whatsoever, he might be inclined to take a picture of the masterpiece with his cell phone and send it to other bros so he can show off. Also, if the shit is so big it comes out of the water, the bro will send the text picture with the caption “I found the Loch Ness Monster!”

The Aftermath – Once the damage has been done, bros have an overwhelming sense of relief and accomplishment. They brag to all their fellow bros about how he “just took the biggest fucking deuce” or how he shit his brains out. Bros take much pride when someone goes into the bathroom after them and coughs hysterically and claims they can’t breathe. Dump pride often comes after a long night of drinking so it can really double as #1 Talking about how wasted you got on the weekend. The more dumps you take after a night of drinking, the more bro-points you get. Saying things like, “Bro, I’ve taken like four dumps today,” let’s people know that you got really fucked up last night.

53 comments:

Anonymous said...

one time i took a green dump and i took a picture of it...still have it on my phone to this day

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Wow, thats pretty impressive. Bros definitely like it when their shit is fucked up in any way.

Anonymous said...

I once had to get my stomach pumped after a long night of 'gunning Natty cans. The DB Doctor thought there was something else wrong with me so the next week he gave me an Upper GI...made me drink this chalky shit...and knocked me out with some sweet injections...

I shit you not, my deuce came out white and glowed in the dark after that. I gotta find me some of that chalky shit for my next event...

Bob said...

If you had to get your stomach pumped you are definatly not a bro

Anonymous said...

People that spell "definitely," "definatly," are certainly not bros because they could not pass a sixth grade spelling test.

Anonymous said...

This site is fantastic.

Anonymous said...

My bro sends all of us pictures of his deuces when they are real quality. His last one had the subject line "Shitty Day At Work". He's such a bro.

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Although having glowing shit is fucking awesome, I have to agree with Bob. The only time getting your stomach pumped makes you a bro is when you are in high school.

Anonymous said...

I am a bro. A hardcore bro at that. I take outrageous deuces on a regular basis and always have the camera to take pictures of them. One time, I put a real fancy border around one of them and sent it to a slut in a text. This site has brought to life to me and my bros. We were just talking the other day that there should be an entry on dumping as it is really brotastic. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Texting of other bros is not very bro-like, unless it involves nude/semi-nude pictures of bras.

Anonymous said...

Don't blame me for having half my stomach removed due to a hockey puck slamming in there when I was a kid...


Despite that I still slam em like hell, and drive y'all home.

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Are you kidding me? Bros love texting - much better than having to talk to bros on the phone. By texting you get your answer to questions like "Where you at?" much quicker and easier. Bros hate chit-chat, which is why texting is ideal.

Dauber said...

This is your best work bro. Quality over quantity. Take your time, keep putting out shit like this and one day this site will be legendary.

1 Tru Bro said...

one day this site will be legendary? how bout it already is....wait for it leg..end...fucking...dary

Anonymous said...

tru bro makes a very good point, also, you know who is a total dick head, LASER!

Anonymous said...

Ive got to take a dump right now, its going to be huge, and ill probably send a picture of it to a few of my closest bros.

Anonymous said...

i once saw a dump that was completely solid, must have been 6 inches in diameter and 10 inches long. it was left in the football locker room shitter. as a team, we decided to leave it in the shitter for 3-4 days. whats really amazing is that there was no blood...

turns out it was a result of a heavy vicodin addiction, combined with a ton of protein shakes.

it was bro-tastic.

Christopher Columbus said...

1Tru Bro, you are a fuckin' moron. Way to spell legendary correctly you fuckin helmet wearing dick farmer.

1 Tru Bro said...

one day this site will be legendary? how bout it already is....wait for it leg..end...fucking...dary


Enjoy having your mom bathe you and hold your dick while you pee for the rest of your life.

Anonymous said...

When I'm at another brotel or even bratel I like to tell whoever owns the place that something is wrong with the toilet right after I dump (no flush.) Then they walk in first and I hold the door closed from outside. Bros!

Anonymous said...

On March 17th, 2005 I pushed out a log large enough for me to conclude that gay sex is definitely a pitchers sport. It was too big to be flushed down the house boats toilet. So after everyone took their pictures and handed me the appropriate number of high-5s, one of our bros decided it was time to show the brosifs, sportin rival letters in the boat next to us, who the alpha males were. He scooped out the turd into three bags hit them with legendary accuracy. Bros 1 - Blouses 0

Anonymous said...

I am taking a dump while reading this. Bros always multi-task

Anonymous said...

I always read this site while takin a shit. That's the best thing you can ever do!

Anonymous said...

I like to put ketchup and mustard on my doodie

bday said...

The most massive brodump that I have ever taken occured after football practice. I was sure it was mammoth, but after scoping it out, I concluded it was legendary. I left it there for all to see, and moved to the next stall to wipe so that the toilet paper would not block anybody's view. BROS!

mike eruzibrone said...

alright. normally I wouldn;t post about a bras dump - but this one was just too good not to share. spring break in palm springs about 20 deep bros and bras. we're headed to the club and one of the bras runs back into the condo to get her "coat" (bitches are always leaving shit behind), comes out after 10 and says she has a problem. she starts looking for a stick in the bushes and gives up while we scream at her to hurry her dead ass up. she runs back in the condo, returning with a plastic bag. she fuckin fished out her turd that was too big to go down... i actually gave her a bump, she deserved it. we call her plunge

Anonymous said...

Lastnight i hd a massive poop so i called my bro on skype through video call and made him watch me poop and then i showed him the inside of the toilet to show how fucking amazing my poop was. thts fucking bro... i know some might say thats gay but that just cuz ur a bro hater

Brogressive Thinker said...

hahaha excellent bro post, brost. This one bro of mine has this clingy slam piece that just will not leave him alone. So one day she heads into his dorm room just to "see how his day is going" (dumb bitch) and sits down next to him at his computer, like a true bro he stands up and rips a fart right in her face.

Anonymous said...

bras talk about shit too quite similarly to your descriptions, we just keep that information away from bros because its not sexy and could ruin our slam piece status

Bromeo and Juliet said...

I just wanted to say that I read this while taking a dump with my laptop and checking facebook, needless to say my mind was blown

Anonymous said...

I was taking a shit while reading this

Anonymous said...

I took a shit once that was fucking steaming. After unleashing my fury into the shitter, I stood up to see that there was legit steam rising up off my shit, kinda like when you crack open a really cold can/bottle of beer on a hot summer's day. It was as if a submarine had surfaced in my toilet.

Teddy Broosevelt said...

just something to think about while shitting at work...

The money duece:

Let's say you take a 20 minute shit at work (which i do nearly every day). now let's say you earn 15 dollars and hour. doing some simple arithmetic it seems your boss had just paid you 5 bucks to take a massive shit.

money dueces=serious bro cred

Anonymous said...

Some fucking slam piece went through my phone pictures and saw a bunch of huge as shit dumps on it. Bitch going through my phone. Needless to say, I "forgot" to tell her when I came later.

Anonymous said...

At a track meet this one time, some bro left a massive log in the toilet. It had to bend around into a crude L-shape to fit into the bowl. This thing was a masterpiece, it looked like a fucking loaf of Challa bread. Unfortunately, this bro decided to remain anonymous, and thus could not receive the numerous fist bumps that he deserves.

Anonymous said...

Me and a bunch of bros had a wrestling meet, and the opposing school confined us to a shitty women's locker room that hadn't been remodeled since atleast nam. When we saw the lone toilet with no stall around it, we knew what had to be done. 12 bros, in a row, dropped furious deuces. The mess afterwards was above the rim.

Anonymous said...

I was taking a huge dumb as i read this. Bros are the shit and they love to take fat shits too

Anonymous said...

Perfect Aftermath story: One time my bro and I were coming back from a bro-trip from Texas and had to stop at a Walgreens and unleash a huge shit. It was a one person bathroom, so I went in first and tore it up, then my bro went in after me and finished the job by basically destroying the fucking bathroom. Right after him, some guy went in with his little kid, then came out a few seconds later and yelled "Hell No!" with his little kid crying. It was fucking hillarious!

gman said...

one night i blazed like six Ls and woke up the next morning to find out i have a drug test the next day. got some detox and passed the drug test, only to find the illest aftermath that ever came out of my ass: smurf shit. straight blue. real bros take that berry blue detox.

Dude Man Bro said...

Sophomore year when we still lived in the dorms (yeah we lived in the same dorm our first 2 years because the housing lottery was based on write-ups and being as badass as we are, we acquired a few citations) one of my bros would take the biggest shits then come into our room exclaiming "Dude you gotta check out this deuce I just dropped!" Then we go into the stall to see what the commotion was about and we'd see a huge spiraling turd of digested Chipotle. High fives would go around inevitably. One of the best parts about it was that since the toilets were auto-flushers, my bro actually had to take some TP and drape it over the sensor so it wouldn't flush while he came to get us. Gotta love bros.

Anonymous said...

Bros, largest dump ever occured 4 years ago in high school. Not sure who did it, but it curled around the toilet, had to be at least 10 inches long. Some guys told the janitor about it, and he decided to leave it there for over a week! Seniors were standing at the entrance to the bathroom making weak-ass freshman pay $5 to see the Michelangelo-esque shit and one guy was even trying to sell ad space on the stall! fuckin classic BRO

Anonymous said...

Once had a blue dump. Like, smurf-colored. Still haven't figured out what I was drinking the night before.

All American said...

Dropping dumplestiltskins on the clock is great. Spray painting the porcelain is also great, especially when it surprises you, posing as a preliminary fart then exploding into a piece of art that looks as if you flung brown poo paint on the white canvas of a toilet. But as an act of revenge, stacking your pooey poundcakes in the same sink or toilet of a bro-hater probably reigns above all. Blocking the flush hole with folds of wet tp so all of the contributed dump steams on top and seaps into every nook and cranny of carpet/clothing threads is also a must in order to stack...nothing beats that form of brown blessing.

Anonymous said...

In high school one bro dropped a deuce that was so big it literally came out of the toilet and onto the toilet seat. Most badass thing I have ever seen, not to mention bro as shit. He was given extreme bro-cred after that.

Anonymous said...

i have a tendency to pound complete bags of white powdered donuts while on bourbon soaked marathons. my byproduct the next day is white. it's like shitting a ghost

Patches Bro'houlihan said...

Cannot believe this post nor any bros did not mention the best type of deuce, one reserved for bro-haters and dumb skank bras... the motherfucking TOP SHELF DEUCE.

To enlighten you less informed bros, this occurs when you take the lid off the top of the toilet and drop a steamy load that is a motherfucker to clean up.

Next time you are at some lamedick bro-hating party and you want to let him know his shit is weak, Top Shelf his stupid ass.

Bros fucking rule.

Brobby Jindal said...

I took a dump at work the other week and I'll I could picture is Barack Obama yelling, "PLUG THE DAMN HOLE!" Later I dispatched Bobby Jindal to clean up the mess.

Anonymous said...

back in highschool before football practice everyday i would take the biggest shits and make all the underclassman(actually i made everybody) come into the stall and truly understand my shits glory. until you had acknowledged(or however u spell that shit) this shits awesomeness and told my why, you were not putting your pads on! peace to all the TRUE bros

Anonymous said...

One word: Beets. Beets will make your shit look bloody.

Anonymous said...

one morning after a bender at my buddy's I farted in one of the aisles in albertson. this bitch comes into the aisle 10 seconds after and pukes on the spot. she couldn't handle my manliness.

greg said...

Back in high school there was an out of order toilet that they closed off. So obviously bros are gonna shit in that thing constantly and some poor person has to fish it out cuz it wont flush. Finally they remove the toilet completly. So whats my bro do? Pops a squat where the toilet used to be and takes a big dump on the floor. BRO BRO BRO BRO BRO

Anonymous said...

You are literally the most uneducated and disgusting person I have ever seen. You really need to grow up and get a life.

Anonymous said...

One time, when I was little, i took the biggest dump ever. Took 45 minutes (yes I counted) to get this baby out. After a bit of struggle I got out a log about the size of a 5 year old out. (I was 9 then). After that, I let it sit there so my mom could spank my big bro. hahaha. I still chuckle about it today.

Anonymous said...

I wana smell a bros farts

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