Everyone knows bros love sports. Bros also have that one team that they live and die with. For me and my bros, it’s the Redskins. Sure, its been a tough 15 odd years to be a fan, what with our favorite players getting murdered and all, but we still stick by them. Throughout the years the team turns over so frequently that you really end up just rooting for the colors of the team more than anything. Through all the changes, one thing remains constant: You absolutely hate the rival teams. When asked about why bros hate the teams, often it will have little to do with the players themselves, it’s the fans. Personally I can not stand Eagles fans, and to be honest, I lose a huge amount of respect for anyone that tells me they are fans of the Birds. But it’s not just the arch-rivals that bros hate. On game day, it doesn’t matter who you are playing, if you show up in the opposing team’s jersey chances are bros are going to hate you. Here are a few ways that bros will let you know about your team:
Alcohol – Bros fucking love to drink at games. Bros love to talk about how early they are going to get to the parking lot to start tailgating before the game. Perhaps the only time where it is acceptable to not go out on a Friday/Saturday night is when there is a tailgate early in the morning and you need to rest up. Bros love being able to say they waited at the gate a half hour before game time just to get into start drinking. All this tailgating leads up to your added sense of invincibility. By putting on your home team jersey, you have the automatic right to try to start a fight with anyone wearing the opposing team jersey because everyone in the stadium has your back. Drinking gives you the courage to talk shit to the opposing fan in the throwback Bernie Kosar jersey. Sure she’s in a wheel chair and 70 years old, but thanks to booze this doesn’t stop you. This is actually a gold mine, because not only can you make fun of her team, you can also make fun of her disability. Extra ammo is always key.
The Opposing City – no matter where their team is from, bros always believe that the opposing city is a shithole. “Go back to your fucking cesspool,” “Get the fuck out of my city,” and “Why don’t you go back to your trailer” are all clutch insults and they definitely let others know that they are not welcome. This works great when cities have suffered disasters. For example, at last season’s opener for the Skins they played the Saints. I had a few too many frat sodas in me and as the 25th bandwagon Reggie Bush fan walked by our tailgate, I politely informed him that I wished he had died in Katrina. He did not like this, but he knew he couldn’t start anything because there were like 30K other guys in Santana Moss jerseys that he would have to deal with to get to me. Bros are the shit.
Reminding them their players are thugs – This is used in pretty much any sport. The great thing about this is that the players don’t even have to have committed any crime to be accused of being a criminal. Pretty much as long as they have cornrows or tattoos they are thugs and you better believe the opposing fans are going to hear about it. However, when the players actually are convicted of crimes, its pretty much a fucking jackpot. Even though the Giants killed the Skins last year, that didn’t mean we couldn’t scream at every Giants fan at the stadium asking where Antonio Pierce hid Cheddar Bob’s handgun.
Age Doesn’t Matter – Sure you already yelled at the old cripple wearing the Bernie Kosar jersey, but that was too easy. Bros like to push the envelope. That’s right I’m talking about kids. Honestly, what type of parent would bring their kid to the opposing field wearing the opposing jersey? Does he really think people aren’t going to give them shit just because he’s got a kid with them? Bad idea. A few years ago, the Skins played Christmas Eve against the Giants in a big game. My bro was taking it easy because he had to drive 3 hours after the game for dinner with the fam, so he was only a 1/5 of Vodka deep. That’s when he spotted the Giants fans, a father and son, probably 6 years old wearing matching Tiki Barber jerseys. As the Giants made a first down, they cheered and my bro walked up to the kid to kindly and seriously let him know that “Santa Claus doesn’t come to Giants fans.” Hopefully he ruined his Christmas.
So, I’m sure there are bro-haters out there who are going to say, “You are why Redskins fans are awful,” or “This is what is wrong with the NFL” but please, if you don’t want to get harassed, don’t fucking wear the opposing team’s jersey in their stadium.