It’s been a slow night. The DJ fucking sucks, and you are barely buzzed. You’re about to call it quits when your bro suggests you get some shots of Jack to make one last attempt at salvaging the night. You are waiting at the bar for what seems like forever making loud obnoxious comments about how you not being served is reverse racism when you see her. She’s laughing at your comments and keeps looking at you, then whispering to her friend. It’s fucking on like Donkey Kong. You go with your “asshole game” yelling out at least you will get served before these bitches. Now she’s engaged – you get to talking and make a bet that if you get served first she has to buy the round, and vice versa. You’re fucking in. You get to talking, you take a couple more shots, hit the dance floor and boom – its time to go home. You’re fucking hammered at this point and keep calling her by the wrong name – this shit doesn’t matter though, it’s in the bag already. It’s time to live the bro dream: The One Night Stand.
Unless you are a fucking retard, you know what a one night stand is, but for all you Corkys out there it’s one night of random anonymous sex with the two parties never speaking to one another again. Bros fucking love this. Not only do they not have to go through the despicable process of dating or what I refer to as “socially acceptable prostitution” but they get a shitload of bro-cred. As an added bonus – they never have to talk to the girl again.
Obviously, bros want more than anything to hook up with hot chicks, but for a one night stand, pretty much any bra will do. Say the girl is just plain busted – you can always make the claim that she had a nice body, thus justifying your night of passion. But what if nothing is nice about her? Fat girls are like mopeds – fun to ride until your bros find out, but what if they do find out? You CAN still spin this for your bro-cred benefit. First, it is important to claim you were so fucked up you don’t even remember it. Some bros might argue, “there is no amount of alcohol which could make me do her,” but they are full of shit. Every bro has his # of beers, and often times it is much lower than they claim. Second, you can just join in and make fun of her. Making fun of fat girls is fun as shit and by doing this you can gain back respect that your bros might have lost for you. If none of this works, bros can always take solace in the fact that they have added to their “number,” thus making them that much more of a bro.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the most painful part of the One Night Stand: the morning after. One of my bros, “Barry Bonds” mentioned this horrific time and I have to agree – bros hate this shit. The morning after you are hungover as shit. If you are at her house, all you can think about is “Where the fuck am I,” and “How do I get the fuck out of here?” The best move for bros is to sneak out and find their way home before the girl wakes up, but this doesn’t always work. Many times the bra is up first and sometimes she is looking for a morning sesh. After the morning sesh, things get very awkward. Sometimes the bro is still struggling to remember her name, or maybe the bra starts to talk about her feelings aka things bros don’t care about. This is the time for the bro to get the fuck out of there. But what if you live like 4 miles away – I say fuck it, take the walk of shame. For girls, the walk of shame is a slow death march of judgement from neighbors because you are still dressed like the whore that you are. For bros, the walk of shame is like a ticker tape parade celebrating a World Series Championship. Once as I made one of these at the beach, a fellow unknown bro spotted me from his deck and yelled out: “WALK OF SHAME!!” and started applauding. Soon his other bros came out and joined in the cheer. Proudest moment of my life.