Wednesday, June 10, 2009

#31 One Night Stands

It’s been a slow night. The DJ fucking sucks, and you are barely buzzed. You’re about to call it quits when your bro suggests you get some shots of Jack to make one last attempt at salvaging the night. You are waiting at the bar for what seems like forever making loud obnoxious comments about how you not being served is reverse racism when you see her. She’s laughing at your comments and keeps looking at you, then whispering to her friend. It’s fucking on like Donkey Kong. You go with your “asshole game” yelling out at least you will get served before these bitches. Now she’s engaged – you get to talking and make a bet that if you get served first she has to buy the round, and vice versa. You’re fucking in. You get to talking, you take a couple more shots, hit the dance floor and boom – its time to go home. You’re fucking hammered at this point and keep calling her by the wrong name – this shit doesn’t matter though, it’s in the bag already. It’s time to live the bro dream: The One Night Stand.

Unless you are a fucking retard, you know what a one night stand is, but for all you Corkys out there it’s one night of random anonymous sex with the two parties never speaking to one another again. Bros fucking love this. Not only do they not have to go through the despicable process of dating or what I refer to as “socially acceptable prostitution” but they get a shitload of bro-cred. As an added bonus – they never have to talk to the girl again.

Obviously, bros want more than anything to hook up with hot chicks, but for a one night stand, pretty much any bra will do. Say the girl is just plain busted – you can always make the claim that she had a nice body, thus justifying your night of passion. But what if nothing is nice about her? Fat girls are like mopeds – fun to ride until your bros find out, but what if they do find out? You CAN still spin this for your bro-cred benefit. First, it is important to claim you were so fucked up you don’t even remember it. Some bros might argue, “there is no amount of alcohol which could make me do her,” but they are full of shit. Every bro has his # of beers, and often times it is much lower than they claim. Second, you can just join in and make fun of her. Making fun of fat girls is fun as shit and by doing this you can gain back respect that your bros might have lost for you. If none of this works, bros can always take solace in the fact that they have added to their “number,” thus making them that much more of a bro.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the most painful part of the One Night Stand: the morning after. One of my bros, “Barry Bonds” mentioned this horrific time and I have to agree – bros hate this shit. The morning after you are hungover as shit. If you are at her house, all you can think about is “Where the fuck am I,” and “How do I get the fuck out of here?” The best move for bros is to sneak out and find their way home before the girl wakes up, but this doesn’t always work. Many times the bra is up first and sometimes she is looking for a morning sesh. After the morning sesh, things get very awkward. Sometimes the bro is still struggling to remember her name, or maybe the bra starts to talk about her feelings aka things bros don’t care about. This is the time for the bro to get the fuck out of there. But what if you live like 4 miles away – I say fuck it, take the walk of shame. For girls, the walk of shame is a slow death march of judgement from neighbors because you are still dressed like the whore that you are. For bros, the walk of shame is like a ticker tape parade celebrating a World Series Championship. Once as I made one of these at the beach, a fellow unknown bro spotted me from his deck and yelled out: “WALK OF SHAME!!” and started applauding. Soon his other bros came out and joined in the cheer. Proudest moment of my life.

52 comments:

BENNY BOY said...

I have two go-to moves that I use to avoid the akward morning (note: only use these if the chick is already awake, otherwise you can just bolt). The first is fairly common "Where is your bathroom?" Innocent question with an easy escape. The only problem is if there is a bathroom in her room, if so use plan #2. I like to call this the "Distress Call". I make my phone ring and pretend to answer it like so: "Damn, Bro that sucks you got a flat. I hate when that shit happens (begin exiting premises). I'll be right there." Works everytime. Bros are the shit.

BroKingNJ said...

One time I was banging some random at my bro's apartment in Hoboken, NJ. For anyone not from the area, Hoboken is a fucking sweet place to party, bang chicks and just basically be awesome. They may as well call it Broboken. Anyway, this bra was a total pig and therefore obviously no stranger to the meaningful overnight relationship. Apparently when she excused herself before the plowing began, she took a huge shit in the bathroom to prepare for the rodgering. I only came to realize this the next morning when a few of my bro's who were asleep in the living room starting yelling "dude, who left the huge floater in the fucking toilet?" With that, she sprung up, put her eskimo jacket on, pulled the hood over her chubby cabbage patch doll face and wobbled her fat-ass toward the door like Augustus Gloop heading for the chocolate river. she had to pass about 5 bro's to get there, who all promptly started making the same "oooooooh" noise you make in fifth grade when someone gets called down to the principal's office over the loudspeaker. I thought that was pretty awesome, until I realized that there was also a huge red stain on my buddies bed at about the same geographical coordinates that our genitals formerly occupied. Then it was really awesome. If she were an Asteroid headed for Earth, I would have easily drilled deep enough to drop the nuke and destroy her.

Anonymous said...

Dear Laser, (he has not yet posted but he will)

Please do not bother posting, because we all know that you do not hook up with bras, and you will try to claim that you are more of a bro than all of us when in fact you are not a bro at all. I wish there was a way you could be blocked from reading these posts because i do not want you to become more of a bro by reading the wicked shit on here, which you inevitably will.

Anyways, LASER you are a homo.

Anonymous said...

nedsyoungerbrother,

if you have a job i think you should quit immediately and write this shit full time.

Anonymous said...

In response to BroKingNJ, I live in Hoboken and can vouch for how awesome it is there. I was making the walk of shame on a work morning, about to key into my apartment building, when some guy on his way to work pulled up next to me. He obviously recognized that I was still wearing the clothes from the night before, because he leaned out the window and yelled, "There's no shame in walking!" And he was right. Despite the fact that I had just come from the apartment of a girl I have since started referring to as "The Tank," I was proud.

Anonymous said...

in defense of the bras...if a girl sleeps with you right after meeting you, she is most likely trying to get out of there the next morning just as quickly as you are. and girls can enjoy walks of shame too...my fav was the last weekend of the freshman year with a fellow bra after a night when the girls' team decided to wear tube tops as skirts, walking past all the parents of my friends as they moved out of the dorms for the summer. good times.
p.s. barry bonds is sooo cool

Anonymous said...

o and BB, to avoid awkwardness the next morning......just leave in the middle of the night.

i also learned that one freshman year but this was at spring training.....it was more to avoid seeing my coach sitting in the hotel lobby each morning than for awkwardness with the guy, but it still works either way.

BENNY BOY said...

True Bros get too fucked up to wake up in the middle of the night. Thus, we need AM plans. Thanks Anyway. Bros are the shit.

blackbroo said...

agreed about gettin way too fucked up to leave in the middle of the night. If you're in college like i am still, then i usually go to the bra ahh i gotta huge test to study for ill see ya later. Why are bros amazing?

white wolf said...

fuck bro.
this could be your best. poast. ever.

check you bro's blog too:
prontalk.blogspot.com

think you'd like it bro.

<3 ned's younger bro said...

1. bros do stick up for one another, so congrats on that.
2. if you've never woken up in the middle of the night to pee, then you probably didn't drink enough alcohol. kidney 101
3. if you're a 'real bro' then you shouldn't need an excuse to leave, b/c bros don't care about hurting girls' feelings

Anonymous said...

once again, beauty advice from a tru bro. who gives a fuck, once you have blown a giant oad on her chest/chin/forehead/wherever you feel like it is entirely up to you when you want to leave. in fact if you get up and walk out without saying a word the bra should be thanking you for two reasons, 1. becasue she had the pleasure of being boned by you and 2. that you didnt completely degrade her on your way out the door (although degrading is not only acceptable, it is actually encouraged among the BROtherhood)

Anonymous said...

it was a bra's comment.(sometimes bro-hater, according to how mean the blog is that day) i tried to label it 'i heart ned's younger bro', but apparently symbols don't work. it was said in defense of my prior idea.

John said...

Bro's if you want to bail on a chick and the bathroom, sneaking away while she is sleeping, or the other standards dont work than you have to just be a dick. In this situation I would turn to Patrick Batmen and explain to the slut "I have to return some video tapes"... Nothing she can really say to that...

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Along the same lines, it also works if you try to kill them with a chainsaw.

John said...

I should have had the decency to point that out my self, my bad bro

Anonymous said...

My go-to move is to ride my slam piece until I'm ready to blow. Then I put my man junk in her face and give her a "pearl eyepatch." Follow that with a junk shot to the bra's temple and by the time she "comes to" I am back at the bar re-upping on Red Bull voddies.

I call this move "Indiana Brones and the Crystal Skull Fuck." Bro shit never gets old.

- Bro Montana

Anonymous said...

u are all a bunch of losers, why in the world wud u bang out some girl u call "the tank", or a fat girl, or a busted girl. if ur that drunk, u shud be at least gettin sum hot girl all fucked up too. and when it comes to bein a "bro", its not about quantity but quality, every true bro knows this. u guys are fake, nothin but a bunch of bromo's. first of all, this dude spoke first about havin his own place, so what are u doin goin back to the girls house? ur suppose to bring the girl back to ur house and then kick her out before you go to sleep, amateurs! Dont give her a ride, dont call her a cab, jus tell her to figure it out after she leaves. There is nothing prestigious about the walk of shame either. u bromos cant get a real girl so u have to satisfy for a beast, do us all a favor and order a crane to haul that fat bitch back to jurassic park. i cant stand u bromos who say things like "pussy has no face", or u were so drunk u dont remember, if u were that drunk u prolly had a wet noodle anyway so u prolly jus cuddled wit tha fat whore since u broke rule #1 by sleepin wit the animal. a true bro doesnt let another bro go home wit a cow. so the truth is, you're not a bro, you have no friends, and u jus fucked a fat chick and u should really be ashamed of urself, u have a lot to learn about being a man neverless a bro.

Anonymous said...

wow nothing about that last post was even remotely true, you are an idiot

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Seriously bro hater, you are the reason abortion exists.

Anonymous said...

We call it the stride of pride in Cali

Biff said...

When i see a girl making the walk of shame i like to yell at her "awfully dressed up for so early in the morning." They will inevitably give you the finger and start walking faster.

Anonymous said...

Me and my bros refer to our walk of shames as "walks of conquest"

Anonymous said...

you're all idiots your lives are depressing

Anonymous said...

a certain bro who lives next to me in the bro pad has perfected the art of kicking sororstitutes out in the morning, he simply screams "give me head or i shove a finger up your ass" take a lesson from this great bro on how to either get a quality morning suck or kick that bra out

BROhemian Rhapsody said...

anonymous at 6/13/09 921am is a complete idiot - maybe im wrong, but it is MUCH easier to leave a chicks place than to have HER leave yours...

very important rule - if the difference in distance between the two houses/apartments is not too relevant, always ALWAYSSSSSS go back to the broads house...

that way you can leave whenever you want, tell her you are going to return video tapes and its a non issue - plus, when you leave and you see the girls roomates on your way out, it can seriously add to your bro-cred if they heard thier roomate screaming in agony and/or pleasure the night before during your random hatefuck session - plus girls always want guys that thier roomates get with so you are really just amplyfing your chances in the future this way...

MightyBroYoung said...

While it may be easier to bounce from some bra's daddy-paid-for-this luxury palace she shares with her two bff's with gay boyfriends, it is infinitely more brotastic and bromantic to kick a girl out of your place right after you've blown your bro-load either in her, on her, or shit, all over your fucking bed. Let me share a few tips and example which will make your life that much more meaningful:
1. To minimize the drama, and believe me, there will ALWAYS be drama when that really awesome awkward moment comes up, when you say "so... you gonna, um, bounce outta here?" (As we know, the one thing a girl will always act like but not wanna hear she's acting like is a SLUT), you want to pre-warn her that you have "shit to do all day tomorrow... early." That can be work, family shit, studying, etc... If she claims you didn't pre-warn her, say, "yes i did." She'll have to agree - it's like a condition of a contract - she knew she was gonna have to leave to let you rest for your "work" the next day
2. If she keeps tellin you all night how you are such a nice guy and all she meets are assholes, chances are when you tell her she has to "hit the road," she will freak the fuck out: Last summer, i brought a slam-a-jama back to my place on the presumption that in fact, the last thing i would do would be to kick her out after the knob slobbin. So when I shattered her world and turned her into a dyke because she officially hated men forever, she screamed: "I can't believe you! No! Don't you even look at me! Don't fucking loooook at meeeee!" I was glad she gave me an excuse to not look at her because i didnt want to be reminded that i just made out with an ugly slut.
3. If you're gonna kick her out (and you should, bro), and she is somehow friends with someone you are friends with, or even worse a relative, you will have to deal with angry fucking people the next day. So, either cover your ass or don't even bother because your bros will be hatin on you when you are on no sleep and massively hungover. I hooked up with a girl with size ZZ tits, who was best friends with one of my best bros' girlfriend. She had never been to new york city, and was from the south of all places. When I power jizzed in her eye, and proceeded to put her belongings in the hallway and lock my door, you bet I got shit for leaving a chubby drunk stupid girl from missouri to navigate her way from a strange place to another at 4am in a not so great neighborhood. That almost killed my bro-buzz.

Bros are the shit. Kicking girls out trumps bros doing the walk of shame.

Broethius said...

BroKingNJ you are so fucking right Hoboken is the shit

Anonymous said...

This year at college I fucked a slam piece I met at this frat party and then realized I didn't know her name afterwards. So I asked her and she replied "(insert Ho name here), what's yours?" I got some serious bro points that night from my bros.

Broey Lewis said...

Walk of shame my ass. We're bros, and that means we get every double standard in our favor. Fuck the walk of shame, in Gburg we take the STRIDE OF PRIDE! Bros are the Shit!

Brostradamus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brodacious said...

Had a classic "walk" back in the day one morning when on break in the French Quarter retreating to my hotel around 6AM. Had just finished up a night of about 15 hurricanes, throwin dice at Harrah's and ultimately banging some slam piece afterwards at her hotel with her two roommates passed out in the bed next to us. I'm staggering back to my own hotel as they're hosing off all the piss and puke from the Bourbon St sidewalks. See another bro (obviously) walking back the opposite way to his own hotel...a smile, a nod, and a quick high five (no words) were exchanged.

Bros. Fuck yeah.

Heywood Jabrome said...

First off, allow me to state the obvious. Bros are awesome.

One day in a snowy february I met this girl at the bar that I was bouncing at. We started talking about god knows what, all I could hear was "blah blah blah." One thing leads to another and she's at the bar after closing, waiting for me to finish up throwing all the brohaters, ugla bras out. We go back to her place (which happened to be 6 houses down the street from my place) and she begins to slob on my knob. I blew a huge load in her mouth, and then turned the tv on to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. After a few minutes of watching crazy Will Smith antics, I stood up, and began to get dressed. She asked me where I was going, I said home. As I shut the door to her apartment, a grin came over my face as I heard her breaking dishes yelling "UGH! I AM SUCH A SLUT!!!!!!!"

hahaha stupid bras

Brolysses S. Grant said...

There is no such thing as a walk of shame for a bro. Instead, it's the "Stride of Pride".

brosB4hoes said...

God there is nothing i fucking love more than watching a good walk of shame...the best ones occurr between 7:30 and 10:30...Sometimes me and my bros think about waking up early saturday morning, pregaming and heading over to the freshman dorms to post up with a lawn chair and watch the slizzies roll in...havnet done this yet mainly cause im way to hungover but it would be a real fuckin bro move

Darren Broles said...

for all the bro-haters out there who have never blacked out and fucked a fat chick... just know that you gotta slay a few dragons to find your princess.

Anonymous said...

while kicking out bras and degrading them can be entertaining and earn you bro-cred, equally as rewarding is deceiving a bra and telling all your bros and bra associates how retarded she is for falling for your ruse. a favorite of mine is telling the bra the night before that you have an early tee time at your dad's country club, and then after a morning ride on the bone coaster, getting up and putting on your golf clothes. then, you take your clubs out to your car and put them in the trunk... this unequivocally leads to the girl leaving your house, whereupon you immediately go back to your bro pad and pass back out and skip all your classes. bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

yo fellow bro's, im fairly new into the whole bro universe and i got a ques. Lets say I bring a bra back to my place to fuck on a one night stand, but the morning after she gets all emotional and shit and doesnt leave. Even worse, if the bra's a crazy cunt, i dont want her to tear apart my pad when I tell her to get the fuck out. whats a bro to do??

BROasted said...

dudes, being the pussy slayers my bros and i are, we picked a time in the morning to all yell "BLOW OR GO" at the dirty bras we were railing the night before. as a result we all knew who the brodiest bros were, obvs me, and who the lesser bros are when those sluts take off. either way the slut peaces out asap or you get your knob slobbed then you force the tramp bounce. I dig the ultimatum earlier about the finger in the ass or beej.

NYB is the BRO emperor, this shit is real

Bro Flaccbro said...

Dude if the Bra is a serious crazy cunt, get her naked again and fuck her.. when you finish and blow your moisture missile all over her face, grab her clothes and throw them out the door. She's out the door in a flash and you lock that shit

Anonymous said...

we had a few nearby schools and we always got slampieces from them to come to our parties. we had a set time in the morning when we would have a couple of pledges drive them back. nothing beats saying to the slampiece "cars leaving in 10 minutes, better get downstairs" once they were gone we would do a wake and bake.

Anonymous said...

bros dont have walks of shame, only strides of pride

Anonymous said...

walk of shame? me and my bros call is the walk of glory

Anonymous said...

haha uhm why are guys so obsessed with sex?

Anonymous said...

Me and my bro took two sluts home and the one he was with was a fat whale you just wanted to snuggle so of course he kicked that bitch out.

However while I was getting my nipples tweaked and broner deepthroated my bro went through her purse and manage to steal 40 bucks which conveniently was her cab fare.

Once I was done and used my precision aim to coat most of her face and a small portion of hair I told her a cab was waiting downstairs, she ended up walking home at 3:30 but still wanted a piece of me at the bar about 2 months later.

bro

Bro's and Ho's said...

A couple weekends ago I visited some bros from my old college. The night started pretty much the same as most, shots and some pong, and around 11ish we decided to hit up the Pearl Street bars. We're meeting this girl we went to school with who happens to work for some promoting company as a go-go dancer, where basically she and her colleagues travel from bar to bar, club to club dancing around in slutty outfits. This is going to be a good night.

Introductions are made, and my two bros and me are definitely hitting it off with these sluts. Unfortunately, they also have to work and aren't able to meet up until after the bars are closed. Whatever. We leave the bar and head elsewhere to find some whores to tide us over until the go-go sluts get off. As we leave, some dumb blonde comes over to me and grabs my neck and shoulders wondering what it is Im doing. I glance over at my bros, 'do you know this bitch?' 'Nah.' Okay. She was definitely fuckable, probably an 8 or 8.5, although keep in mind im already fucking hammered at this point. We walk to the next bar and as we come up to an intersection, dumb slut almost falls and loses her heel coming off a curb. Maybe this wasnt such a good idea.

Anyway, dumb slut is feelin me all night telling me how bad she wants to fuck me, etc. We meet up with this girl I knew from college days and realize the go-go sluts are almost ready to get off so we head out to the bro pad. Now this bro-pad is so fucking ideally located, its next to bars, campus, the hill (popular campus spot, food, cigs, liq, etc), and the hottest sorority on campus.

Our beer pong table is actually a real ping pong table, and instead of 'ruit we decide to play ping pong with shots. Genius. Meanwhile, dumb slut is saying stupid ass shit all night and my bros and I decide that this bitch is just absolutely fucking retarded. After making fun of her throughout the better part of that night, she decides to stumble over to one of my other bros. He's not having it either, I almost cried laughing so fucking hard watching the hilarity ensue. In a stern voice, he finally told dumb slut to leave. After a few minutes in absorbing the situation, I decided to check outside and see if dumb slut was still there. Sure enough, she was standing in the middle of the street. I opened the door outside, and half jokingly, half just to see how she would respond I said if you give me head, Ill take you home. She said okay.

Drunk as shit, we roll in my expedition maybe two blocks when I decide to park in someones drive way. Game time. 'I want you, I want you, I want you' was all I heard from her. Bitch, suck my dick and shut your mouth. She finally obliged. A cop rolled by behind us mid-brain and fortunately he didnt see us. My boys also called a few times and in retrospect I shoulda answered. Fuck, I should have taken a picture of this bitch and sent it to her father.

Anyway, I figured Id keep my end of the deal and take her home. The problem was, I had no idea what she where she lived. She kept naming some shithole street I never heard of and continued to assume I would know where to go. I start rolling out of the driveway and finally ask, "this way or that way?" She points and I drive, again, i'm drunk as shit. Half a block later I ask her where the fuck we are going and she responds with the same bullshit answer. I decide to pull up to the nearest gas station, literally maybe 2-3 blocks from the bro-pad and tell her shes gotta go. 'im too drunk to be driving around like this, get out'. Looks of disbelief followed, and I literally had to open her door and forcefully push her out of the whip. "Asshole, what the fuck!!" Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever bitch. Peace.

Went back to the bro spot and one of my bros was already getting it in with some other slut. We kind of forgot about the go-go sluts, took some bong rips and passed out.
God I miss college.

Bro's and Ho's said...

not really a one night stand story. funny thing is is that besides actual one night stand stories which i can write for hours about, my bro reminded me of this story earlier and i just fucking wanted to share it. blow jobs are the shit.
clearly im shitfaced right now

Anonymous said...

Bros don't have walks of shame.
they have marches of pride.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes a bro has to bang a fat chick for a slumpbuster or when theres no slampieces around to get his bro-cred back. me and my bros each threw in 20 bucks the other night to see who could slay the fattest chick they could find. needless to say everyone got laid in about 15 minutes

Anonymous said...

A few weeks ago i was down at the bar slammin shots like a fuckin champ. Some bra was payin for me and my bros drinks cuz we're fucking bros and bros dont pay for shit, she was just lucky to b in the presence of brokings like us. So after about an hour of layin down the grade A i take some lil smoke show of a slam piece back to my place. I punch my ticket on the poundtown express and wale on her snatch like its goin outa style. Like a true bro i rolled over and passed out immediately after blasting her w.my moister missle.
4am rolls around and i here some bitch talkin? That bitch surely knows not to disrupt my brocoma but it ends up bn her crazy friend. Next thing i kno her apparent boyfriend walks in my room yelling while im butt ass naked in bed w.his girl (he was lead up to the sigma chi house by her crazy friend because thats where anyone should b looking for there missing gf at 4 in the am.) Of course i didnt kno she had bf but y the fuck would i even care, we're fuckin bros and we'll lay the meat to ur gf whether u brohaters like it or not. Any true bro would see this as an opportunity to exercise his rights as a bro among bros. I proceded to put my pants on and bounce the shattered couple out of
my room. Not only did i kick this whore out but i bounced her hipster bf to the curb. He tried to fight but decided to cut his losses. After all having ur ass whooped by the guy that fucked ur gf an hr earlier would b a bad ending to ur night. Bros are the shit, bro hard, bro often.

In hoc, bras need the bro poke

Anonymous said...

Bros don't call it the walk of shame. It's the stride of pride.

BetaBro said...

There is no such thing as an awkward morning. Take her back to your bro pad. Slam that shit. Call a pledge. Send her home. Go back out for more. bro.

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