Tuesday, June 9, 2009

#30 Poker

We all remember it. The moment we thought anything was possible. We thought, “If this fat fuck can pull this off, why can’t we?” Obviously I’m talking about Chris Moneymaker’s 2003 victory at the World Series of Poker. I was a Junior in College at the time and immediately after watching that episode my bros and I raced to Walmart to buy poker chips and started playing. We were pretty shitty to start out with but the more poker we watched on TV and the more we played, the better we’d get and one thing was established: Bros fucking love poker.

Granted, Poker is not as popular as it was just 2-3 years ago, but amongst the bro community it’s still hot as shit. At one point in every bro’s life he was beyond obsessed with poker. He would practice chip tricks while sitting around the house, read books and poker blogs obsessively, watch “Rounders” every day, and constantly talk about how Ted Forrest is the most underrated player or how Phil Hellmuth is such a great tournament player. Bros love watching poker on TV and do not care if the episode is a repeat – this just gives them the opportunity to pick up on Phil Ivey’s tells for when they face off once the bro makes it to the “Big Game” at the Bellagio. But how do bros perfect their game to the point where they can play on the big stage?

Home Games – This just refers to bros playing with their bros. Stakes are usually pretty low in these games but that does not mean that bros don’t take this shit seriously. Bro-pride is at stake and in some respects this might be even more important than money. Being the best poker player amongst your bros is extremely important and a shitload of bro-cred comes along with it. Bros will often have poker leagues and keep weekly standings to see who truly is the best. You do not want to be the worst player in your bro-league. Bros who are the worst will get shit on every week with insults. Much like in #6 Beer Pong, your ability as a poker player is directly proportional to the respect you are given as a person. Even if you win a hand, bros will still criticize your play and tell you that you are an awful player. In order to ensure they play their best, bros will often wear sunglasses, hats and/or hoodies to the table. You do NOT want any of your bros getting a good read on your tells, and this ensures it won’t happen.

Online Games – This is obviously referring to all those poker sites you see commercials for on TV. Bros always have a favorite poker site, but usually they have money in at least three of them. Bros love to talk about the reason they like one site over another, but honestly, there really is no big difference between all of them. I used to play non-stop online right after college. In typical bro fashion, I was unemployed, living in my parents’ basement and playing poker online from noon – 5 am every day. God I used to be cool as shit. Anyways, I have been trying to get money back into the accounts, which is tricky since it’s illegal and all, so I ask fellow bros about it. Unfortunately, since bros are good as shit at poker, they inevitably respond, “Are you fucking kidding, I haven’t put money in that account for years, I only withdraw.”

Atlantic City/ Vegas Games – You have been fucking dominating your home game. All your bros are giving you mad props. You’ve played online and done pretty well in some tournaments. Now it’s time to move to the big stage. The $1/2 games at the casino. Bros will often take this trip to test their ability against the finest crop of players (and people) America has to offer. Honestly, those low limit poker tables would be a great place for Chris Hanson and the Dateline crew to hang out because there are some serious candidates for “To Catch a Predator” playing daily. Often times bros will lose their bankroll at these tables, but its ok, it was just due to the fact that the other players were way too shitty. Everyone knows you can’t play poker against shitty players.

22 comments:

Mike said...

One of my bros is the absolute best at poker. The most important lesson he ever taught me was that j10 suited is the most overrated hand there is. Changed my life.
This same bro won a tournament entry into a big buy-in tourney in Ireland and get this - sat next to THE Greg Raymer and was able to talk strategy with him. Cool as shit. He also made a sick lay down against Andy Black when he had top 2 and Andy had a set. He is a broking as far as poker is concerned.
Unfortunately his bra sucks ass and doesn't let him play anymore.

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Holy Shit! Fossilman himself? This bro sounds sick as shit! He also sounds very intelligent. I'm going to have to agree with him on that J10 suited - like, what happens if you pair your Jack? What fucking good does that do? Nothing, and now you are stuck with a mid pair, mid kicker! What the fuck does that beat!!!!1111

Anonymous said...

you know wha else bros love about poker??? re-telling over and over again their "bad-beat" stories over and over again. I cant wait to hear them.

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Bad beats are the worst - the one good thing about them is it gives you a chance to belittle your opponent. By yelling at him for being so dumb to play his hand you look smart as shit and like the better card player, thus giving you some legit bro-cred.

Laser said...

If I already didn't think you were all absolute jabronis, the fact that you said "all your bros are giving you mad props" surely cemented every conviction I already held about this ass-backwards, joke of a site. None of you guys have the slightest clue of what a bro is, and you all probably wear cowboy hats cargo shorts, white sneakers and drink bud light lime. Please change the url to "jbroslovethissite.com, Long live the Beer Lodge!

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Dear Laser,

I wish you had died in your crib.

Thanks,

Ned's Younger Brother

Anonymous said...

Laser,
I'm sorry you have spent your life as a one man wolf pack. You should do yourself and the world a favor and die. You are not a bro.

SLY said...

Imagine, you and your bro are all in, (this is going to means either you or your bro are going to be the first guy out of the tournament) the river is coming, he def does not sit in his seat, he is pacing back and forth. then bam!!(This is the best part about home games) the look on your bro's face when on sheer luck you beat him on the riv. His first reaction is to tell you what a shitty poker player you are and how it's impossible to read a rookie. Then everyone begins to rub it in his face, and he almost has that look that he wants to punch someone. This feeling is quickly followed by him asking the group if there is buy back??! When the group denies him this privilege he will instantly become the guy calling out to raise the blinds every five minutes, tossing a football in that air by himself in a chair in the corner, pissed that not only his he out of the game, but has no bro's to kick it with! PS Real Bro’s never invite girls to the home game of poker, it’s a buzz kill for everyone and severely hurts your poker game!

Anonymous said...

Laser:

You sound like a bitch. Perhaps you should go back to your Butt Lodge...sorry "Beer Lodge" and throw back some cock..I mean beer with your bros...Freud was right...If you read all of these posts and feel a little jealous that your experience as a "bro" is/was tainted growing up...then you're probably right...take some time and notes on most of these entries and then comment to your friends instead calling out for help on this web site

Anonymous said...

Laser is a douche, clearly. I think that all the true bros on this site should immediately stop justifying his existance by responding to his posts.

Also, i must totally agree with SLY Re: bringing girls to a poker game, there is nothing cool about it.

Anonymous said...

even the name laser is so non-bro. why do you even come on this site if you think we are not bros. Thats right because you yourself are the furthest thing from a bro, and im sure that your "bros" are a group of pimple faced nerds sitting around your moms basement drinking fuckin cool aid talking about the latest star trek or star wars or whatever the fuck you lame as bro hating pussies like to talk about. You make me sick and i hope you get aids.

John said...

Laser,

your a fucking jam boy and not a bro and since your not a bro im sure you dont know what a jam boy is so i took the liberty of providing you a link. By reading the following discription you will gain your first bro point (fellow bros, I realize I will lose a few points for giving this jam boy his first, but i need him to know his status level in life)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jam_boy... also laser if you do by some chance have a girlfriend because we all know you dont pull one nighters, she thinks about me while your fucking her.

Anonymous said...

Laser can suck my nuts

BroKingNJ said...

I have to emphatically disagree with bros actually STILL liking poker. Bros USED to like poker when I was in college, until it turned into a plethora of the biggest losers on campus holding tournaments talking shop as if Poker was a legitimate sport and comparing the fat retards that grew up playing D&D instead of socializing with females to REAL athletes. In hindsight it was a Trifecta of Gayness, they would be (1) playing poker, (2) while talking about poker, and (3) watching a re-run of “The World Series of Poker.” That’s as homosexual as Andy Dick. The majority of the people that ended up playing were “BetaBros” (at best) although ruthlessly ripping on these defenseless chumps was one thing that ultimately always made me feel better about myself. Poker was like the careers of most whore-bra pop stars, they start out hot but ultimately end up in rehab looking like an 80 lb. hooker you’d see on Bourbon Street. The only reason I would want to be involved in a poker game with these clowns now, would be to mercilessly beat them and then smash the gay little lucky charm trinkets they have at the table with them. I also wouldn’t mind shoving their cereal box sunglasses up their ass (No-Homo).

But being that I’ve noticed the new sponsors on your page I can see the motivation behind this, I would have sold out and done the same thing.

Anonymous said...

poker? yup and i didnt even knower.

Anonymous said...

what the hell is that supposed to mean???

i would like to think that no self respecting tru bro would ever say something as rediculous as that.

give your head a shake you bro hating cock lover

BROhemian Rhapsody said...

JAM BOY!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Laser is def a huge jam boy...

Anonymous said...

poker is for nerds and the same people who think they are going to be ultimate fighters. you definitely are a serious jabroni

Tommy BROokens said...

No doubt that Laser is poor. Eat it jampiece.

Ali G as BROrat... Sexytime said...

We lay down a $10 buy in every Friday at pregame. We start drinking at 6 and play some pong til poker at 9... $10 doesn't sound like much but when you have 10 people playing... winner buys the first round at the bar (aka loses half the cash but gains serious bro cred) most of the time we have 2 players left (me and j) and we just split the cash so we can roll deep to the pub... laser go kill yourself.

Anonymous said...

nothin's less tight than talking strategy at the table. fossilman was humoring your bro.

Anonymous said...

My dad won his way into the World Series of Poker online for 3 years straight and took home some money the first year. Ultimate bro.

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