So you just picked up a Porterhouse steak at Whole Foods for your Bro-B-Q and you are walking to your car when it happens. “Spare some change for the bus??” cackles the old white-bearded man who obviously hasn’t showered in weeks. Fighting back the urge to vomit in your mouth, you collect yourself to snap back at him – “I don’t have any change, but here’s a tip – Get a fucking job!” Making fun of poor people is the shit. It makes you feel so much better about yourself, not to mention the fact that it makes you look rich as shit in front of any potential slam pieces. And – news flash – slam pieces love money.
By no means do bros ever want to be mistaken as a poor person, so through their daily activities they do everything possible to ensure this doesn’t happen. Here are just a few of the many things that separate bros from the poor:
Public Transportation – I’m ashamed to admit that just last week I took the DC Metro aka “Death Train” downtown to hit up a Nats game. It was the worst experience of my life. Honestly, I’m pretty sure half the people on that train were mentally challenged or convicted sex felons as they kept staring at me and mumbling things. I seriously thought I was in the middle of a fucking zombie movie. I’m also pretty sure I caught some sort of mutated strain of the Ebola Virus by just touching the handrails. The point is, bros don’t take public transportation because they are better than that. The closest form of public transportation bros take is a cab, but even that is borderline bro-hater. Bros fucking #23 drink and drive.
Polo Shirts – There truly is no better way to let people know that you are a bro than by the logo on your left breast. The Lacoste Crocodile, Polo Horse, or Brooks Brothers Sheep being hung most likely so it can be slaughtered are all acceptable methods of communicating this. Nothing really beats breaking out that new Polo shirt for the first time and hitting up the bars. I always love hitting on bro-haters girlfriends after I ensure he doesn’t have a logo on his shirt, most likely because he grew up poor or has a shitty job. He usually tries to get in my face because I am groping his girlfriend, but that’s when I point to the Croc. He backs away, defeated. Then his girlfriend usually goes down on me immediately in front of the whole bar.
Going to College and Having a Job – This is what pisses me off more than anything about the homeless. Seriously, if they had just gone to a private high school and top tier College like I did, I’m pretty sure they would have no problem getting a job. And even if they don’t have a job, don’t fucking live on the streets begging! Honestly, I have a few bros who don’t have jobs but do you see them out on the street sleeping and begging for “bus” money? No, they do the respectable thing and play golf everyday at their Dad’s Country Club. I mean last I checked College isn’t that hard – I did go out like 5 nights a week, skipped most of my classes because they were too early in the morning (1 PM) and still managed to get a 2.7. And I don’t want to hear any bro-haters out there saying, “Some people just don’t have the same opportunities that you had in a dual parent household.” That’s bullshit – everyone knows if one of your parents left you it was because they didn’t love you or you fucked up your parents’ marriage by being born. Ever heard of a little thing called “taking responsibility?”
Bros are so much better than poor people.