Wednesday, June 24, 2009

#38 Being Better Than Poor People

So you just picked up a Porterhouse steak at Whole Foods for your Bro-B-Q and you are walking to your car when it happens. “Spare some change for the bus??” cackles the old white-bearded man who obviously hasn’t showered in weeks. Fighting back the urge to vomit in your mouth, you collect yourself to snap back at him – “I don’t have any change, but here’s a tip – Get a fucking job!” Making fun of poor people is the shit. It makes you feel so much better about yourself, not to mention the fact that it makes you look rich as shit in front of any potential slam pieces. And – news flash – slam pieces love money.

By no means do bros ever want to be mistaken as a poor person, so through their daily activities they do everything possible to ensure this doesn’t happen. Here are just a few of the many things that separate bros from the poor:

Public Transportation – I’m ashamed to admit that just last week I took the DC Metro aka “Death Train” downtown to hit up a Nats game. It was the worst experience of my life. Honestly, I’m pretty sure half the people on that train were mentally challenged or convicted sex felons as they kept staring at me and mumbling things. I seriously thought I was in the middle of a fucking zombie movie. I’m also pretty sure I caught some sort of mutated strain of the Ebola Virus by just touching the handrails. The point is, bros don’t take public transportation because they are better than that. The closest form of public transportation bros take is a cab, but even that is borderline bro-hater. Bros fucking #23 drink and drive.

Polo Shirts – There truly is no better way to let people know that you are a bro than by the logo on your left breast. The Lacoste Crocodile, Polo Horse, or Brooks Brothers Sheep being hung most likely so it can be slaughtered are all acceptable methods of communicating this. Nothing really beats breaking out that new Polo shirt for the first time and hitting up the bars. I always love hitting on bro-haters girlfriends after I ensure he doesn’t have a logo on his shirt, most likely because he grew up poor or has a shitty job. He usually tries to get in my face because I am groping his girlfriend, but that’s when I point to the Croc. He backs away, defeated. Then his girlfriend usually goes down on me immediately in front of the whole bar.

Going to College and Having a Job – This is what pisses me off more than anything about the homeless. Seriously, if they had just gone to a private high school and top tier College like I did, I’m pretty sure they would have no problem getting a job. And even if they don’t have a job, don’t fucking live on the streets begging! Honestly, I have a few bros who don’t have jobs but do you see them out on the street sleeping and begging for “bus” money? No, they do the respectable thing and play golf everyday at their Dad’s Country Club. I mean last I checked College isn’t that hard – I did go out like 5 nights a week, skipped most of my classes because they were too early in the morning (1 PM) and still managed to get a 2.7. And I don’t want to hear any bro-haters out there saying, “Some people just don’t have the same opportunities that you had in a dual parent household.” That’s bullshit – everyone knows if one of your parents left you it was because they didn’t love you or you fucked up your parents’ marriage by being born. Ever heard of a little thing called “taking responsibility?”

Bros are so much better than poor people.

41 comments:

BENNY BOY said...

NYB-
First off you have outdone yourself this time. This was a very complete entry, the only thing I would like to add is a go-to move (bro-to move?) I like to call "Glimmer of Hope". The next time you are approached by a poor person (aka anyone not wearing a logo'd shirt or drinking name brand alcohol) looking for change give them the "Glimmer". Reach in your pockets and dangle some change only to reply "Sorry all out." Sometimes I even pull out my wallet completely and respond "I would but I need this money for down payment on my vacation home." That will really make that poor bastard feel like shit. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

An important issue to remember. When you are done with that old logo shirt (a week at the most after you bought it) do not throw it away and definately do not give it to Goodwill. Why cant you throw it in the trash? Because to them the trash is like Brooks Brothers or a Charleston mens store to bros. Why not Goodwill? If you dont know the answer I hope you get SARS in your eyes. Take the washed up logo and use it to wash the Rover or use it as a workout shirt. Bros are elite....and the shit!

Anonymous said...

As a student at a fucking top-tier school (the one in Nashville that is not for crazy christians), there was an article by some chick that compared homeless people to hangovers, mostly in the sense that they are always around in the morning, and being hassled by them is an inevitable part of going out on the weekends. Pretty smart for a chick, but I bet she stole it from the blackberry of the dude she was fucking the night before.

PS, you should do a rundown of the Top Brolleges and Broniversities in the USA sometime.

Ned's Younger Brother said...

BB - good point on the glimmer. Another fun game to play is making them admit they want the money for beer, then chucking full cans of beers at them. The best part is that the joke's on them because the beers you threw were non-alcoholic.

Anonymous said...

Everything about this post is pretty damn accurate but the title. Shouldn't it be Being Better Than Poor People?

Ned's Younger Brother said...

You make a real good point - changed.

Anonymous said...

Another good method for dealing with some smelly, bearded, broke-ass that approaches you for money is to beat him to the punch. Ask him if he has any change before he gets the chance to ask you. More bro-points if you are still holding that $9 beer you smuggled out of the stadium after "blindly hating opposing fans".

Anonymous said...

its a lacoste crocadile!!!! not such a bro if you think its a gator

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Even though that is a good call and I made the change - I still wish you had been in the Twin Towers on 9/11.

Anonymous said...

I think the Express Lion is in the running these days as well...

Anonymous said...

Shame on you, neds younger brother, for not posting #39 today during lunch time. your messing up my daily routine.

Anonymous said...

Shame on you, neds younger brother, for not posting #39 today during lunch time. your messing up my daily routine.

Bro Montana said...

The Express lion? No chance, faux-bro.

Anonymous said...

Great post, NYB. However, you failed to touch on another very important, yet subtle, barrier between us elite bros and poor people: Greek house dues.

Do you really think these are for maintenance of those puke-crusted wooden floors? No, we all know those floors never get cleaned, see #32 and #36. Some of you may think dues are for that cookout you had on parents weekend? Again, no, we all get that extra check when the parents stop by once a year anyway (especially from our rich bro-dads after getting worked by their sons at the inevitable father-son game at the beerpong table see #6, #14, #35), so those pay for themselves.

Those dues don't even pay for house kegs as everyone knows pledges expense that shit to their pledge-dads' credit cards.

Those absurdly-high dues are there so that any poor person even thinking of joining our ranks, no matter how brave/idiotic he may be, will be financially unable to do so and will forever uphold the disparity between our awesomeness and their pathetic coupon-cutting existence. Dues ensure that bros stay better than poor people. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

why would you waste your time and money going to a nationals game....move them back to montreal

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Well, first, when your bros are not poor you get your tickets for free from their companies/rich parents. I have been to 20+ games and have never paid. Second, you don't go to the games to watch - you go to get fucked up. After tailgating until the 4th inning we sat in our club seats for 1 inning, then went to the bar for the rest of the game. Plus, slam pieces fucking love baseball.

Anonymous said...

ok then....i retract my previous statement.

bros are the shit

CG said...

2 bras one homeless man's change cup. It doesn't get more bro than that.

Anonymous said...

Awesome NYB. But you forgot one thing that has since the beginning of time has distinguished bros from fucking poor people on the street. Boats. Boats say a few things about a bro. 1) He or his Dad is fucking loaded. 2) He likes to booze. You will never find a bro on a boat without a handle or a 30-bomb. 3) He is luring in slam pieces. Slam pieces like going out on boats because they don’t have to wear any clothes and they look much cooler hanging out with a boat full of bros.

BROhemian Rhapsody said...

Best game to play with homeless people (or any street dwellers for that matter) is PEE-DOLLAR! Just take a dollar bill (who cares about a dollar, a real bro shits dollar bills) and have someone piss all over it then place it across the street on the sidewalk from the porch you and all your bros are drinking on and just sit and wait for some poor fuck to pick it up and shove it in thier pocket - fucking hysterical

this game is amazing, second only to the ultimate drinking/poor person game - POOP DOLLAR...

Anonymous said...

When my 8-year-old brother was approached by a homeless man on the street a couple years back, he was asked, "Do you have any change?" His response: "Yes." The poor shitbucket continues, "Can I have some?" My brother stares him in the eye, says no, and walks away. I have never been prouder of my little bro.

Anonymous said...

what private high school did you go to?

Anonymous said...

Bro... When those down and outers say "... spare change.." respond with "...no you keep it, i have pockets full of cash..." they love it

Broverdose said...

This one time this bra i was slammin wanted me to take her on a romantic date, I took her to hooters, a homeless guy outside asked me if i had a dollar, I said "yea, I have millions of em" then went off to enjoy my favorite sport team on 52 flat screens, indulge in food, and objectify women.

Christopher said...

Other good objections for use to the advances from dirty street mutants:

"Sorry, I only carry hundreds."

"Fuck you."

Or before they can open their shit-stained mouth, you preemptively ask "do you have any change I can borrow? I'm just trying to get a hot meal" the look on their face is priceless. This line works better when you're sporting a suit (which you of course put on simply for going out, but obviously you lie to every piece of meat you hit on at the bar, something along the lines of, "ya, we had a late meeting tonight," or "on a business trip, we just finished up at Morton's" etc)

Or you go into the Patrick Bateman sequence from American Psycho (all true bros know every line to this movie/book by the way) Bum asks you for change. You go into it from there:

You pull out some money and dangle it in their face. "Is that what you need? Why don't you get a job? If you're so hungry, why don't you get a job? Were you drinking? Is that why you lost your job? Insider trading? What's your name? Come on, speak up! Get a goddam job Al! You've got a negative attitude, that's what's stopping you! You need to get your act together, I'll help you!" if you have a knife, wave it in their face at this point, or you can just walk away. Maybe kill them, not that anyone cares.

Or you beat the shit out of the street mutant. Fuck him, he shouldn't be on the street anyways, he's fucking loitering and there are no cops around, so I have to take care of business. I owe it to society to uphold the law. That's my justification, even though I obviously dont give a shit.

Bros can justify anything.

Or light the money on fire, and use it to light your cigar while they watch.

Anonymous said...

I was once in the shit hole known as Hartford, CT drinking at some pile of shit bar ( I was ended up there b/c I was blacked out). And at some point in the night I go outside to have a cigg and according to my bro (I don't remember shit b/c the bar served cheap LITER double IPA's). Some homeless bitch approaches me for money. What's my response? Being from Manhattan apparently it was "In New York you would be DEAD right now." Then I proceeded to flip through about $400 in $20 bills and find a single dollar bill, which I then threw on the ground.

Bronewall Jackson said...

My favorite line when pestered the homeless is to tell them, "Sorry, I only have fifties."

Anonymous said...

I always like to play fetch with poor people. Just take out the change and throw it down the street. If they want it, they can run after it. Fucking bums are pathetic.

Anonymous said...

this is bullshit. public trasnportation is the best. cheap as hell and probably safer to take if you're going to be fucked up on the way home

Visanthe ShianceBro said...

I was partying in Minneapolis one night and as I was walking home a homeless guy asked me for change, so i walked over to him with a 20 in my hand and asked if he had change....he didn't, then he had the nerve to tell me to fuck off, what a dick.

Anonymous said...

FUCK OFF YOU CAPITALISTIC PIGS!
Money does NOT determine the worth of some one nor does any thing they own.
Dicks like you who use your wealth as a reason to be total assholes to people that are less fortunate are horrible people.

Zac Bro Band said...

Hey anonymous: Money does determine one's worth. Last time I checked, a homeless person does not have much influence/value/worth in today's society. Bros love Capitalism because it has allowed our parents to be rich as shit hence providing us with a nice trust fund. This results in us getting fucked up all the time and slaying slampieces whenever we feel like it. It is evident that you came from the vagina of a bull-dyke who put you up for adoption because she even knew you would grow into a complete failure. Stick to your day jobs which most likely consist of blogging about the evils of "Corporate America" and jerking off to anime but stay the hell off this site.

p.s Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

So one day in high school I won a hundred dollars in a raffle in our auditorium for obviously being the biggest bro in the building. After school I drove past a bum standing beside the b-road begging for money. I slowed down when I got to him, flashed the bill and said "take it". He came up to my car all wide eyed and as he went to take it I yelled "Psych!!!!" and drove away. Get a job bum.

Anonymous said...

I look forward to your Final Judgment...and if that doesn't scare you, it should.

Anonymous said...

This the best title ive ever seen on this site. Bros are way fuckin better then poor people and anyone else for that matter. Making fun of poor people is the fuckin shit

Anonymous said...

I disagree with the anonymous bro-hater who believes that fraternity dues are used to weed out the bro's who don't have money from getting into their bro-ternity. Yes, I came from a poor and broken family because I fucked up my parents by being born. But as NYB said, I took responsibility. I pledged and immediately looked for a job. I thought, "What am I good at?" Initially I had thought that I could hustle people in drinking games. That worked, but didn't bring in nearly enough cash to lead the lifestyle of brand name bro-clothes and the finest alcohol. I won't tell my fucking bro-hating father to give me money because he's a anti-bro cock jockey, so I thought to myself, "What would a true bro do?" I took my money from drinking people under the table, and bought myself an ounce of the finest buds. I flipped it, flipped it again, and continued to flip until I had enough money to buy myself a BMW, pay my dues, and have beer money for the next six months. NYB, you should follow this up with an article discriminating between Old-Bro money (dad having money) and New-Bro money (bro's making their own money so they can maintain bro-lifestyles). Bro's can start out poor, but it's bro as shit when you say fuck everyone else and bro so hard that you can pay for all your own shit without working (a real job). And props on the 2.7 without going to class. I'm on the same track.

Al PaciBRO said...

Anonymous you are a GDI bro hater. No true bro needs to sell bud to pay for fraternity dues. New Bro money is from having a high end finance or sales job. Any idiot with plastic bags and a scale could make money selling weed. Selling bud is for GDI minorities and the kids who were "weeded out". Pun intended.

Tyson said...

Another good move - when being approached by said poor person, before they can get a word in, (and because you know exactly what they going to fucking ask you), say "hey bud you got some change I can get?" man does this REALLY fuck with bums..it works great..i've actually gotten some change that way too, but i threw it right back at em and told em to get a job cause i dont need their worthless change, i'm rich, i'm a bro

Bob said...

Any one of you guys can become poor in your lifetime. Many homeless people suffer from mental health issues. For instance many homeless men are veterans who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

Anonymous said...

wtf are you doing shopping at whole foods....

Whole Foods is meant for feminists and bro-haters

Anonymous said...

I have never read more ignorant comments in my entire life. You so called "bros" are a bunch of pricks who probably have mommy and daddy issues. You may have a nice wad of money in your wallet, but you couldn't be anymore worthless to society.

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