Monday, August 10, 2009

#60 Busting Ass

So things are starting to get somewhat serious with a slam piece. Obviously, I'm not saying you've been out on dates with her - you're a bro - I just mean you've banged her like four different times. After a long night of heavy drinking with your bros, you somehow found the coherence to text her to come over to your spot for some quality time. It's the following morning. She's still lying next to you. From what you can remember you took care of business last night (you are a bro after all) - now its time to get her the fuck out of your room so you can #1 talk about how wasted you got last night with your bros. There's only one problem. She's not leaving. At first you subtly hinted that you had shit to do, but she wasn't buying it. You even give her some of your best #44 making girls cry material by making fun of her parents' divorce, but this bitch is just laughing it off! Just as you are about to give up all hope, your stomach starts to growl. And your bro said eating that third chili dog last night was a bad idea - fucking idiot. As she yammers on about God knows what, most likely about how much she wants to get married, you breathe deep as a smile slowly crawls across your face. It's going to be a good one.

"What are you smiling at," she asks.
"You'll see."

As the SBD (Silent but Deadly) wave leaves your asshole you start laughing hysterically. She still doesn't get it - that won't last for long. As soon as you are sure you've got everything out you snatch the covers from her grasp and throw them over her head. Bitch just got Dutch Ovened. Talking time is over - she just ran the fuck out of your house screaming, "You fucking asshole!" She'll be back...they always come back.

Bros fucking love busting ass. Much like dogs mark their territory by pissing all over the ground - bros let you know the areas where they straight up run shit by farting on them - and that's fucking everywhere. Throughout their entire lives bros have been obsessed with farts - especially the noise they make. All bros at one time in their life, possibly in the past week, have stuck their hand under their arm pit and jerked their arm like a chicken wing to make that fart noise. Instant comedy - not to mention a killer move when trying to pick up slam pieces.

While bras will never be caught dead busting ass, bros will do everything in their power to make sure everyone knows they farted. Even before they bust ass, bros want everyone in the room to know that they are are about to unleash that warm cloud of shit. They do this by leaning sideways on the couch or chair making it look like they are literally trying to lay an egg - this makes it much easier for the fart to happen. Once the fart is unleashed, the bro will know immediately whether it is going to smell or not, therefore they do the gentlemanly thing and announce that shit to everyone. "Oh fuck this one smells like shit!!" down to "Don't even worry, this shit doesn't even smell." Regardless, bros always love the smell of their own farts. Bros also know who amongst their bros is the worst farter. Bros can even call out who busted ass just by the smell.

Bros are always proud of their work. Sometimes when the fart is so rank, bros will scatter from the room begging the bro-offender to go take a shit. There is always that one bro who stays behind to congratulate the farter on his impressive work. Many times in class there might be a particularly foul smelling fart - but no one will confess. This is because this work was done by either a bra or bro-hater. You can tell none of the bros made that sweet nectar because they are all saying, "Fuck man, if I had laid that egg I would tell everyone because I would be proud of that shit."

Bottom line - bros are not ashamed of their body or the amazing things it might produce. This is just one of the many reasons that bros are better than the rest of the human population.

60 comments:

Shaquille Bro'neil said...

Weak post nyb. Should have stuck with how to get shackers to leave.

You are better than this nyb.

Anonymous said...

This post was 100% true. Really

Brover Cleveland said...

I still don't see Dave on the list. I thought we had an understanding that bros like Dave Matthews.

The Brofessional said...

Wrong, there is a common understanding that Dave Matthews is terrible and everyone hates here him.

BROS HATE DAVE MATTHEWS!

It doesn't matter if bras like his music, bros don't listen to bra music. Bros never play bra music, even if they ask for it.

Anonymous said...

this shit is so true bros have been laughing at farts since the fucking stone-age

Anonymous said...

Bro, you need to do posts on croakies and lax.

Anonymous said...

total bro move that many have never heard of... if you bend over about 45 degrees and put your ass against a wall... when you fart the wall amplifies the sound and makes it loud as hell

bRomeo and Juliet (slampiece) said...

Good post! I would also like to add that busting ass separates bros at an early age so that you can start rush a little bit early (let’s see how long of a keg stand that 10 year old can do!). As for the Dave Mathews-loving brohaters, I’m putting this one to bed.

Bros do not like Dave Mathews for several reasons:

a) Slampieces and brohaters love Dave Mathews. Next time at the DMB concert, look around. How many bros do you see? All you see if a sea of bras, poor hippies, and bro-homos (bros who have lost their way).

b) Dave Mathews sucks to sing when you’re hammered. When was the last time they were blasting Dave at your favorite bar? When was the last time you were slamming back red bulls and vodka singing “Ants Marching”? Give bros some Journey, some Neil Diamond, some Queen, and they will fucking sing and break shit ‘till they get kicked out of the bar.

c) DAVE MATHEWS IS NOT A BRO. Just check out his acting career. He was in “You Don’t Mess with Zohan” and “Because of Win-Dixie”. He probably drinks O’doul’s.

I think that some bros were fooled years ago by Jack Johnson and Dave Mathews. Simply knowing a song or two would get slampieces gobbling down your knob. But then, most of us bros came to a realization. Bras love this music and this music sucks. I don’t need this music to nail slampieces. I am a bro and slampieces get wet at the sight of me, simply because I am a bro.

Marty said...

DAVE MATTHEWS IS GAY.

end of story.

true bro's listen to gangsta rap

the brophet said...

"gangsta rap"

you were never nor will ever be considered a bro

Mario Bropez said...

Yeah Ive been to a Dave Concert, but I was so blackd the fuck out and all I was doing was high fiving my bros and yelling sexually explicit one liners at slam pieces, therefore I remember nothing of the actual concert. . . . that was also before I became a true bro, I now have the common knowledge to know I dont need to pay $52 dollars to get fucked up with my bros and yell at sluts, all I have to do is go to the local Hooters. Anyway back to farting, I once worked at a golf course as a bagboy...one saturday morning after a long night (of drinking Naty ICE) I did an epic spin move to leg lift fart! (me and my bro were having a competition).... well, I won because as I was spinning, a 72 year old member walked around the corner to pick up her golf bag, we bumped into each other right as I was completing the farting portion of the spin to leg lift fart. Farting on a 72 yearold woman = BROKING.

BROhemian Rhapsody said...

Yes thank god some people are putting this dave matthews bullshit to rest, DMB sucks fellow bros - when i am sitting in my house pregaming, or late-nighting with some heads back at my place, i dont wanna drink my glass of fine whiskey to DAVE MATTHEWS!!! i wanna put on some Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold, Pantera and other crazy shit that is gonna get me and my fellow bros in the mood to do some crazy shit! when all else fails, we are either fucking or fighting - if no broads are available to be smashed out, then we get fucking nuts, blast some Metal as loud as possible and start breaking everything in sight, windows doors, ceiling fans whatever the fuck you think of - no bros i ever met like to smash things and destroy property while listening to DMB, end of story...

Anonymous said...

jesus christ do any of you retards even have ears? dmb, avenged sevenfold, gangsta rap?

Brosoma Spinladen said...

Thank you, Dave is a pussy. Whoever said above me that they went to Dave concerts before they were true bros I would have to agree with u. We were bros in training and just wanted to go to a spot where there would be a lot of horny hot slampieces and a lot of beer to tailgate with. Once you got into the DMB concert you didnt listen to a fucking word that bitch was saying, you would scheme on broads and go up to every beer stand in the arena trying to buy beer with ur ridiculously bad fake ID, and you always eventually found that spot that would sell to you and rarely left it (plus it was guaranteed you get a chicken tender basket with ur brews). By the time the concert was over u were like "fuck this I just dropped 50 on tickets when I didnt even listen to a fucking thing he said". One year I actually did listen to his songs at his concert and I was stoned as shit and thought he put on a good show but that by no means puts him into bro status. Once you graduated high school DMB concerts should have been thrown out the door, I sadly went to one my freshman year in college but I didnt fucking go in, I tailgated for a few hours and left and drove to taco bell with my bro's, a much better option than that pussy Dave.
By the way farting is the shit. I dont know if its in the top 60 things bros like to do but ill let it slide, Id put it top 75 though.

-Big Country

Brocho Cinco said...

bros, don't you remember when dave dumped all that shit in the chicago river from his tour bus, total bro move

the Brofessor said...

I wouldn't say Dave Matthews is a bro, nor would I say that bro's listen to Dave Matthews. but bros go to his concerts because chicks love his music and tailgate the shit out of them = random ass that you'll never have to see again in your life, without exception.

Anonymous said...

First of all, Dave Mathews may have been a bro when he was a raging drunk and slayed slam peices all the time, but i think he is gay now and just gets off on performing.

This being said, his music is and and always was and always will be homo erotic. So, if you like it, you are not a bro, if you go to his concerts you are not a bro and if you let a slam piece play it in your vacinity, you are not a bro.

END of discussion.

Anonymous said...

Stop talking about Dave either way, it is not your place to be a fucking pussy bra and tell a real bro like NYB what the fuck to do. If he listened to you, he would not be a bro. Have you learned nothing? Bros do not give a fuck what anyone thinks, we leave that to bra's and bro haters. Brover Cleveland you are a fucking idiot and worse not a bro.

Fucking bros are ill as hell.

Brovado said...

I like to rip ass to call attention to myself when I'm doing something badass. Like today I took a two hour lunch to lift which i highly recommend bc working blows. Anyway i was blasting my glutes on the squat rack and when I get to my peak weight I like to rip ass for several reasons. first it draws attention to the massive amount of weight i'm pushing and the perfect form. Second it is demonstrative mastery of ass ripping as it is hard as fuck to cut off a fart at the bottom of a squat.

Now I'm dropping dirty bombs from trivia night and dollar tacos sitting in a boring ass meeting writing this bullshit and texting my bro across the room re: the massive cameltoe of the slampiece next to him. My boss is a total bro and this sort of gaseous behavior is probably why i haven't gotten laid off.

Brove Brotthews Brond said...

Dave Matthews is a total bro. He can rock harder than any other rocker. Dave can shred guitar & has a voice better than any rock singer.

If anyone out there is a bro... it is Dave Matthews. Dave is one of the greatest artists in rock history.

Ned's Youngest Brother said...

it seems that no one can agree if Dave Matthews is a bro or not...but one thing is for certain...Rick Pitino IS a BRO

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/news/story?id=4392828

Bro in Chicago said...

Farting never gets old. Nothing is better than ripping ass on people on giving some fucking slut slampiece the dutch oven.

Brocho Cinco, do we have another Chicago bro in this bro pad?

john said...

the subject of bro music must be addressed next

brovado said...

i'm taking a break from nailing this chick i met at in n out that looks like veronica Vaughn and yes she is taking it animal style. i'm taking a shit and she's calling her boyfriend. I think his name starts with dave and ends with matthews. he is not a bro.

if you like jamming out to satellite you probably also like standing in the produce aisle thinking about what vegetable would feel best shoved in your anus. you're the guy who is surprised when you go down on the girl you met on match and her dong slaps you in the chin. pussy.

And bros you don't need indie rock to break your dick off in a slam piece. frank sinatra and dean martin are fucking lethal for that shit. if that doesn't work crank it back a decade to elvis and the flamingos.

I'll tell you what bros do like: Tortilla chips, mexican cheese and frank's wing sauce. actually fuck that. frank's wing sauce makes everything better.

Ricky Bro-bby said...

WING SAUCE SUCKS!

Frank Sinatra & Dean Martin have horrible music!

I am 100% convinced that you are actually retarded.

DAVE "THE BRO MASTER" MATTHEWS IS #1

Bro Vaughn said...

Dave Mathews sucks...a real bro concert was freshman year of college by me. Chili peppers and the Who. I respect all the hot slam pieces that attended that concert.

Anonymous said...

Dave Matthews is the biggest bro to ever live.

Hands down.

BRO.a.r. said...

There is no question to whether or not Dave Matthews, O.A.R., Jack Johnson are bros or not......they totally are. First off, go to a concert and you'll see bros galore. If you listen to their lyrics, its all about smoking, drinking, and sex. Seriously. And lastly, what kind of music are you going to get laid to, Avenge Sevenfold? Lil Wayne? You're a fucking faggot bras hate that shit. Seriously walk up to a bra and mention you like Dave and they'll be on their knees. Main point: Daves a bro

brO.A.R. said...

Oh and bt dubs, NYB should totally do a post on brothing (clothing) mainly proper bro attire for getting slam pieces.

Anonymous said...

brO.A.R.:

Bros can wear any clothes! I'm a huge f'n bro, so I follow these rules when getting dressed:

Always tuck in shirt

Baggy jeans

Wear sneakers, no matter what

That's it. I always look awesome. Slam pieces love it.

Anonymous said...

Sandals are a bro must

Rick Brotino said...

i agree with Shaquille Bro'neil... weak sauce man. It was kinda funny, but more along the Bra lines.

Oh and i pay for abortions

Mario Bropez said...

brO.A.R . . Who the fuck do get your stlye tips from Danny Tanner? Seriously, Bros dont wear "sneakers" sneakers area foor fucking poor people and 12 year olds, all bro's know this. Bros were sandals or boat shoes. . . tucking in your shirt is up to you, kinda of a duechy bro-hater thing to do, but its your bro-ogative. Seriously, step up your game, not only do you think wearing "baggy" jeans is a sweet way to pic up bras..but your totally bro hating by posting with the same name as the bro who posted right before you.

Real Bros know Malibu from American Gladiator is one of the 1st bros to ever live-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGDwScgb_Y0

AC Bro-der said...

Dear Mario Bropez,

Boat shoes? Sandals? NO. Bros wear sneakers all day everyday.

Yes, tucking in your shirt is cool. Chicks love it.

Tucked in shirt + gelled/spiked hair + sweet colored sunglasses = success with the ladies. Just ask any bro.

shaquille Bro-neil said...

there are some bro-sers on this site that actually think they are bros.

rock sandals w/ shorts or jeans on the reg and throw on a frat shirt, polo, or something without sleeves. don't forget to throw some gel in the hair or a backwards hat if you don't feel like showering after taking a slam piece down the night before.

thats the bro dress br-ode.

be a bro king, not dave matthew

-ihsv

Bro-bo Cop said...

bro kings dont listen to dave matthews, and bro kings rock basketball shorts and sandals until they have to get drunk again the next night.

dave matthews is for the gays.

ihsv

Mario Bropez said...

Im starting to seriously think that AC-Broder thinks being a Guido with metrosexually gelled hair is what being a bro is all about...All I was saying is that sneakers are for poor people... and I almost beat the fuck out of a brohater with a tucked in shirt gelled hair and colored glasses the other night at Caddies in Bethesda...he looked like a fucking tool.

AC Bro-der said...

Hey Mario Bropez, I bet you don't even wear your cell phone in a belt holder, do you?

LOSER!

Anonymous said...

Wtf are you guys saying? Sneakers are for poor people unless they are nice air maxes....anyways wear fucking sandals or boat shoes with a polo...and Dave matthews is the fucking man

Greg Broden said...

Being a douche bag guido is not being a bro. And AC-Bro-der is a shitty bro name.

Rocky BalBROa said...

by looking at these comments about dave matthews and baggy jeans, something has become clear.

1) Either some very sly bros are out there playing a huge practical joke on the rest of us

or

2) The j bros have completed their infiltration

Bron Paul said...

I believe there should be an application brocess, for viewing this site. There are Broser's running wild and this shit just doesnt fucking fly. I am not even going to get into the ridiculous things being debated, because a true bro has no time to argue with these Guido Broser's. The application should have a built in equation to be able to tell who are real bros and who are haters. Enough of these fags!!

Ari Brold said...

agree with bron paul get the fuck off this site you pussy ass brosers

Anonymous said...

Real bros know busting ass is what you do during sports such as football hockey or lacrosse. Ripping ass is when you let out some brofume.

Anonymous said...

lets establish one thing, dave matthews rocks. guidos and gelled hair sucks

Brocho Cinco said...

Bro in Chicago, yeah bro i am from the north burbs of chicago

bros, sandals are fucking awesome, they are like the bro jackson of footwear

BROlo Ralph Lauren said...

This music discussion is retarded...the only requirements to being a bro and music is that you can yell the lyrics to Don't Stop Believin' blackout

On clothing...to be a bro you must own the follow:

At least 3 polos (with a horse)
At least 1 frat shirt (no sleeves is better)
Something with seersucker
A pair of khaki pants
boat shoes
sandals (rainbows or reef)
Grey New Balances
(should be dirty as fuck)

basically don't be poor

Bro the lawn said...

"Don't Stop Believin" is sung by dudes with mullets. The only people who like this song are dudes with mullets. The is the anthem of bro haters and bro wannabes.

Bros sing R&B or DMB/Jackson Johnson type music.
Ex: Journey? Not bros.
Edwin McCain? Bro
Usher? Bro
Brian McKnight? Bro
Dave Matthews? Bro
Jackson Johnson? Bro

Bros do not wear boat shoes. Old people wear boat shoes. Bros wear boat shoes only when they turn 65.

I'm a MLBFBK!
(Major League Big Fucking Bro King)

Rick PitiBRO said...

i don't have anything to say... i just think that its sad that my boy rick pitino is getting fucked over by that cunt bro hater.

sounds like hes just trying to live the fucking dream... i hope she gets aids on her face.

ih,
YO BOYYYY

2bro4school said...

everyone knows creed is the biggest bro band ever assembled

Rick BROtino said...

Fucking right I got that bro-hater aborted. (#24 Birth Control not involving condoms) Straight up bro status.

Bro the lawn said...

creed f'n rocks!!!

BRO POWER

cb said...

Some of you idiots are not true bros. I went to Ole Miss then transferred back home to UGA (which are both big time bro schools) and you see more frat letters and Dave stickers on Toyota 4Runners than you could ever fucking dream of counting. Dave is a true staple of any bro's itunes collection.

cb said...

Another Dave note, he started his career doing small concerts for frats at big universities. This confirms his bro love.

Broweiser said...

Let's look at Bro-Hater Dave Mathews.

Since 2000, Matthews has been one of the board members of Farm Aid (loves poor people)

He has a 4 acre wine-growing operation (wine=beer for bras)

He has a girlfriend (bros don't respect slampieces)

He supports environmental initiatives, such as biofuel availability and the fight against global climate change (cares about the environment)

Dave Mathews has bro-hater fans. -From his myspace
"Aug 17 2009 6:35 PM
Thanks for all you do. You music moves me"

Everybro who still thinks that Dave Mathews is a bro should lbeg for brodemption (go on a week long bender and destroy all of your DMB music).

Next time any of you bro haters want to label a bra(DM/Jack Johnson) as a bro, please measure them against the bro standards already in place.

Brover Cleveland
cb
Bro the lawn
2bro4school
BRO.a.r
Ricky Bro-bby
Brove Brotthews Brond

You will never be bros

Broseph Stallin said...

If you like dave matthews or OAR or any of that 7th grade garbage you're not a true bro. Also for the dbags who say wear sneakers no matter what. Are you out of your mind? Thats a great idea, next time I have a job interview I'll be sure to throw on the old converse allstars and really impress them. I know, maybe the next time I'm going to a major brodown i'll wear my baggy Jenco jeans and tuck my shirt in and all the slam pieces will be all over me. Grow up, buy some nice boat shoes or rainbow sandals and be a brofessional. Any real bro can tell you that his brethren won't respect a kid who looks like he's 11 and his bro-mom picked out his clothes for him.

some of you broposters need to calm down the hipster trash btw

Brony Montana said...

Bros like fucking meat therefore bros like ripping ass. NYB is no dumbass he knows that for bros to like one thing they have to like the shit that goes with it.

As for the dress you all sound like fucking sororistutes talking about fucking clothes. Who cares if you wear a jersey, a polo, boat shoes, sandals, or a cutoff. Different nights call for different attire. I will say that a bro has to own a cutoff in order to show off his perfect body in the weight room and sometimes even at the bar.

"No sleeves, no problems" - Bros are the shit

The Man With Bro Name said...

My bro Tony in college would Dutch Oven literally every slampiece he brought back to his room, right after they were done banging. In addition to being hilarious, he did it to test which bras were cool and which were whiny bitches. A chill bra who laughed it off was cool and worthy of a return ticket to poundtown. An uppity bitch who flipped out and left was strictly a one-time slamwhore. Bro life.

Anonymous said...

bros, i have to say, different backgrounds require different clothing selections. as a bro, i wear skate shoes, lax pinnies, bro shorts, and nike mid calves. i rock mad flow and backwards hats, sometimes chill snapbacks and sometimes fitteds. im swimming in bitches...not because of what i wear, but because im a bro. oh, and dave matthews sucks dick. you fucking bro haters, get outta here.

oxybrodone said...

One day me and my bros were playing beer pong. I was ripping nasty farts all day and decided to use it to my advantage as a psych-out. I cupped my hand, put it over my asshole, and dropped an SBD. The opposing bro was just then taking the balls out of the water cup, so I took a step toward him and "threw" the fart in his face. He started gagging and then ran to the bathroom and puked.

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