It’s September. Although Summer is gone, thanks to Man’s greatest creation, Global Warming, it’s still warm as shit outside. It’s fucking BBQ time. You send out the mass text – “BBQ at Brottingham Palace.” Thirty minutes later, you get a phone call from one of your buddies from work saying he has a friend who just moved to town and wanted to bring him by, swearing he is cool as shit. After bitching at your bro for like 10 minutes for bringing more dudes over, you finally agree. While firing up the grill you throw on some Bruce Springsteen on Pandora, crush like 6 brews, and put in some solid groundwork by texting “You going out tonight?” to some slam pieces. Everything is going great until the new guy walks into the backyard. There’s just something off about him. Not only does he have Ricky Vaughn style horned-rimmed glasses, but he’s also wearing an Atari T-shirt and Chuck Taylors. Bros never give people the benefit of the doubt, but he’s a good friend of your work bro, so you don’t give him any shit. Yet. The grill’s hot as shit so you make an announcement that "the shit is ready" and everyone throws their hot dogs and burgers on. Atari boy comes up last and opens up his package, only it doesn’t look right – “What the fuck is that?” you ask. “Oh it’s a Veggie Burger – do you want one?” No words come out at first, just shock – “What the fuck is wrong with you?” you scream. He replies, “What the fuck is wrong with you, meat is murder!!” This is the last straw. In patented Oregon running back form, you wind up and nail this fucking hipster in the face. But, unlike Legarrette Blount aka political prisoner, instead of being suspended for the entire season, you are greeted with #13 high fives and fist pounds from all your bros. Justice was served. Bros fucking love meat and hate anyone who doesn’t – especially PETA.
Much like debating bros on the legalization of weed, a vegetarian will never win an argument with a bro. Bros love talking about how stupid people are that don’t eat meat. I always love it when there is a vegetarian who refuses to eat meat because of the absolute cruelty to cows, pigs, etc., but have no problem eating fish. I guess they must have done some extensive studies and found out fish have no feelings. Fucking idiots. Not to mention the fact that cows and pigs are worthless animals. Bros never advocate eating animals such as horses or dogs. That’s just barbaric talk. This is because you can bet on horses and dogs by either racing or fighting them. My advice to cows and pigs – either get busy learning how to fight or bros are always going to fucking eat you. Bros also love rubbing their meat eating in the face of vegetarians. We used to hang out with a bra who was a vegan, and every chance he would get our Big Guy would talk about how delicious it is to murder animals. He once kept a tally of how many animals had to die in order to feed him one week (32). We also used to ask her questions like, “If an animal committed suicide or died of natural causes, would you eat it?” In an effort to get us to shut the fuck up she actually said yes. Effort failed. After that every time we spotted runover deer on the side of the road we tried to convince her it just couldn’t take living in this cruel world anymore. For some reason - even though she was a girl - she didn’t buy it.
In addition to their love of meat, bros don’t give a shit about animal testing. How the fuck do PETA bitches suggest we test that precious makeup you wear? On hobos? You fucking sicko. Also, who gives a fuck about those monkeys they test on? If I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure monkeys are pretty fucking dangerous animals. What am I talking about, you say? Don't believe me?Look no further than horror movies such as “Outbreak,” “King Kong,” or “Ed." By testing drugs on monkeys we are ensuring our health, safety, and most importantly: that third basemen are always humans.