Thursday, September 10, 2009

#71 Eating Meat

It’s September. Although Summer is gone, thanks to Man’s greatest creation, Global Warming, it’s still warm as shit outside. It’s fucking BBQ time. You send out the mass text – “BBQ at Brottingham Palace.” Thirty minutes later, you get a phone call from one of your buddies from work saying he has a friend who just moved to town and wanted to bring him by, swearing he is cool as shit. After bitching at your bro for like 10 minutes for bringing more dudes over, you finally agree. While firing up the grill you throw on some Bruce Springsteen on Pandora, crush like 6 brews, and put in some solid groundwork by texting “You going out tonight?” to some slam pieces. Everything is going great until the new guy walks into the backyard. There’s just something off about him. Not only does he have Ricky Vaughn style horned-rimmed glasses, but he’s also wearing an Atari T-shirt and Chuck Taylors. Bros never give people the benefit of the doubt, but he’s a good friend of your work bro, so you don’t give him any shit. Yet. The grill’s hot as shit so you make an announcement that "the shit is ready" and everyone throws their hot dogs and burgers on. Atari boy comes up last and opens up his package, only it doesn’t look right – “What the fuck is that?” you ask. “Oh it’s a Veggie Burger – do you want one?” No words come out at first, just shock – “What the fuck is wrong with you?” you scream. He replies, “What the fuck is wrong with you, meat is murder!!” This is the last straw. In patented Oregon running back form, you wind up and nail this fucking hipster in the face. But, unlike Legarrette Blount aka political prisoner, instead of being suspended for the entire season, you are greeted with #13 high fives and fist pounds from all your bros. Justice was served. Bros fucking love meat and hate anyone who doesn’t – especially PETA.

Much like debating bros on the legalization of weed, a vegetarian will never win an argument with a bro. Bros love talking about how stupid people are that don’t eat meat. I always love it when there is a vegetarian who refuses to eat meat because of the absolute cruelty to cows, pigs, etc., but have no problem eating fish. I guess they must have done some extensive studies and found out fish have no feelings. Fucking idiots. Not to mention the fact that cows and pigs are worthless animals. Bros never advocate eating animals such as horses or dogs. That’s just barbaric talk. This is because you can bet on horses and dogs by either racing or fighting them. My advice to cows and pigs – either get busy learning how to fight or bros are always going to fucking eat you. Bros also love rubbing their meat eating in the face of vegetarians. We used to hang out with a bra who was a vegan, and every chance he would get our Big Guy would talk about how delicious it is to murder animals. He once kept a tally of how many animals had to die in order to feed him one week (32). We also used to ask her questions like, “If an animal committed suicide or died of natural causes, would you eat it?” In an effort to get us to shut the fuck up she actually said yes. Effort failed. After that every time we spotted runover deer on the side of the road we tried to convince her it just couldn’t take living in this cruel world anymore. For some reason - even though she was a girl - she didn’t buy it.

In addition to their love of meat, bros don’t give a shit about animal testing. How the fuck do PETA bitches suggest we test that precious makeup you wear? On hobos? You fucking sicko. Also, who gives a fuck about those monkeys they test on? If I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure monkeys are pretty fucking dangerous animals. What am I talking about, you say? Don't believe me?Look no further than horror movies such as “Outbreak,” “King Kong,” or “Ed." By testing drugs on monkeys we are ensuring our health, safety, and most importantly: that third basemen are always humans.

40 comments:

Last of the BROhicans said...

i wish i had some meat in my mouth right now

Anonymous said...

fucking fag

BrOce said...

In HS, our football team always had a huge bbq the weekend before our first game at which we ate tons of brats, corn on the cob (the least gay vegetable - its messy as shit and u eat it with ur hands), and to top it off, 32 oz T-Bones. Then after taking huge shits and #25 talking about our dumps, we went out and banged some cheerleader slam pieces. HS football trained some great bros

Anonymous said...

PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals

Top Bro Macrum said...

well said broski, well said.

-top bro macrum

Bro Patterno said...

By "meat" he obviously means cock.

the gnarl said...

Brobeque sauce

Edgar Allen Bro said...

NYB you have outdone yourself. Excellent post. I agree, these stupid animals were put here for a reason. That reason is to be eaten. What other purpose does a chicken serve? Have you ever taken the time to actually look at a chicken. Stare into a chicken's black vacant eyes one day and you will see that their existence is one of absolute pointlessness. Allowing these animals to live until old age is the real cruelty. Not eating meat goes against everything the good Lord intended. It is blasphemy. Don't think the big man upstairs is not keeping tabs.

Anonymous said...

My roommate is the worst kind of bro hater...not only does he refuse to drink or smoke, he's a goddamn vegetarian! It's fucking impossible to live with this kind of bro-hating going on in my own room. It's okay though, I get him back by coming in drunk all the time and bangin slam-pieces even when he's in the room. Bros are the shit.

The Alpha and the BROmega said...

I once got the gout after Christmas with my Irish family due to the absurd amounts of red meat and scotch/whiskey I consumed. Couldn't walk without lancing pain in my foot for a week. Of course it was fucking worth it. Meat is the shit.

Bro-Bo Cop (the original) said...

I do not agree with this post. Bros, myself included, can be vegetarians. It's a choice, I like vegetarianism and I consider myself a major bro.

Anonymous said...

the MEAT club (Men Eating Animals Together)...a necessary club at all colleges nationwide.

Brover Cleveland said...

And one of those cheerleaders that Broce banged stuck her finger up his ass. True story

Anonymous said...

Every Bro knows that meat is the shit, but Bros also know that global warming is a crock of shit!

brett-v said...

hey first off this shit is so good its retarded, but how havn't things been added like fighting. God nos if ur bro got in a fight (or even if he hasn't) hes deffinatly gonna let u hear about it. also talkin shit, this never gets old and all bros do it. If u can't take it ur a fuckin little bitch. any bros that say they never do this, idunno what the fuck they are but its not bros. also rippin on random douche-bags, bros do this like they're getting paid for it. every night ur w/ ur bros u always see at least one. and when u do u no ur pointing him out right away then fallowing up with how bad u wanna fuck him up. last but not least taco bell, any night that envolves dringing is never complete with out it. let me no what u think

Brohammed Ali said...

This website is fucking hilarious.

Bro-J Simpson said...

Without steak I'd be dead. Simple as that.

Anal Bro-bing said...

of course freshly made broagie didnt comment on this because he's busy with meat in his mouth. Im a total bro and rick brotino showboated" me last night. For all those bros that dont know what that means, its 3 fingers in the bro-hole. LONG LIVE BROS!

Bro-Bo Cop (the real original asshole) said...

A true bro doesnt steal another bros bro name. You cant bring that weak ass shit into my humpty bumpty. Stop being a bra whoever you are

Bruce Browen said...

Me and my other bros just moved into a great new #32 bro pad, but instead of wasting our time getting useless shit that slam pieces like, such as furniture, we immediately went out and bought a grill. The fucking bro-hater gas company cut off the gas in our house on account of us always being too fucked up to remember to pay the bill, but joke's on them - we just throw steaks on that grill out back every night. Bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

how a bout a posting in honor of one of the best bro traditions ever, that right i'm talkin about the beginning of football season

BROdie Croyle said...

anonymous there is already a post about tailgating, loss of bro points for not following this site religiously

Bro in Chicago said...

Two years ago I had a keg pregame at my place and there was this vegetarian slam piece there and I convinced her to eat a cheeseburger from McDonald's. She has been eating meat ever since. Broads are so mentally fucking weak. Bros are the shit.

Traditions said...

Eating meat is a necessity. Vegetarians are not bros plain any simple. I belong to PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals)

Anonymous said...

My bro's and I traveled this weekend for an amazing #68 tailgate. On our way we realized that bro's love getting fucked up in a car ride that is any amount of time over 20 min. Idea for a great post, love this site.

Brobie Trice said...

Red meat must be consumed 2-3x a week in order to keep the bro levels in check. Legarrette Blount needs a post of his own for sticking that mormon cock loving piece of shit in the face

Brodacious said...

LeGarrette Blount = bro fo sho

Broheme said...

I'm pretty sure it's been scientifically proven that you become a pussy if you don't eat meat.

bromance said...

statistically speaking, the human race must eventually become vegetarian. this is due to both trophic level inefficiency and the exponentially increasing human population. because trophic level efficiency is a ratio of the total production of one level to the total production of the next level below it, declining efficiency as the food web moves to higher trophic levels means that increasingly more meat must be consumed, whereas if humans consume lower-trophic level foods such as vegetables and grains, there is less wasted energy.

Anonymous said...

did anyone understand what that (imposter) bro just said? nope- b/c no one cares. meat is the shit. end of story.

Bros Don't Click Links said...

nothing says Bro-down like grilling some fucking steak.

bros are the shit.

Brohammad ali said...

First off, great fuckin site I was in the caf for my post-meal heard some nerds laughing about this site and how these guys must be losers, after 2 days of extensive catching up on the articles I thanked the dweeb for showing me the site then slapped him for his bro-hatred, any time someone hates on meat remind them we fuckin evolved from cooking red meat damn near doubling our brain size

brodysseus said...

our bro brick (the DOFF) spent two days in jail last semester for kicking a vegan protester at some liberal ass convention in the fucking dick. his sign said "meat is murder",he thought it would be appropriate to murder his meat like any good bro would.

Bill Brosky said...

Yeah, this pretty much sums up exactly how I feel about vegetarians/vegans. Spot on about those fucking assholes who eat fish but still consider themselves like protectors of animals and shit.

Fucking eating meat is the shit.

broseidon (lord of the brocean) said...

bromance please stop coming to this site

Anonymous said...

Props to oregon running back LeGarrette Blount! I used to be a UO bro, now i'm an Army bro and get to meet some of the best bros and DOFFs out there, and they all have mad broners for him. I want to see that guy on a co-ed sports field fuck yeah bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

there's nothing less bro-y than hating on someones diet. bros are not supposed to be insecure and don't give a shit what others eat. i will enjoy eating salad an banging that hot vegan bra while you bang your fat 32oz-steak-eating bra HA

Anonymous said...

bros realize that we are superior to every fucking animal in the world because were smart as shit and developed guns which fuck up any animal. if a brohater ever tries to give you shit tell him your supporting evolution and then kick him in the nuts to keep him from ever producing little brohater babies if he can find a slampiece that will fuck him

Brony Montana said...

Its not okayt for a bro to be a fucking vegetarian, but I couldn't give a shit if a slampiece only eats salads as long as she stays hot. Any real slut is not a vegetarian anyways because they eats bro's meat.

Anonymous said...

first off, Springsteen reference was solid. also steak is the shit. and also, humans have the right to eat animals cause were better then them. Bro-Haters should consider themselves lucky that bros aren't cannibals.

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