Tuesday, September 22, 2009

#75 Not Going On Dates

After a long day of getting fucked up, watching football, and absolutely dominating bitches at corn hole, you have finally found your way to the bar. It’s been awhile since you’ve been able to speak an actual sentence, so you just stand by the cover band nodding your head while they play some shitty rendition of a Bon Jovi song. Out of the corner of your eye you spot her – blonde hair, nice rack, and pretty decent ass dancing with her fat friend just five feet away from you. She seems fucked up too, so you chug one the beers you had been double fisting and put on the charm aka coming in from behind to start #29 grinding on her. She’s resistant at first, but then she realizes you’re a fucking bro so she waves her fat friend off to go cry in the corner because she’ll never be loved. You make out for a while and you’re already thinking how you are going to make your escape from her house the next morning. That’s when she gets the text. It’s from her fat friend. Apparently, in an attempt to eat her feelings, she ordered some loaded cheese fries that didn’t exactly settle with her and is now puking all over the bathroom. In a last ditch effort to distract the hot bitch from the DUFF, you ask for her #49 number. She gives it to you, but instead of the expected, “Give me a call later tonight,” she breaks out the, “Call me this week, maybe we can go to dinner or something.” You’re stunned. “Is she fucking serious? Doesn’t she know I’m a fucking bro?” You put her number into your phone, but one thing is for sure – there will be no dinner and a movie later this week. There will be no coffee and scones at The Daily Grind. There will be no bet on the 18th putt-putt hole saying “a hole in one means you get a kiss.” Fuck that. Bros fucking hate dates.

Question: Who the fuck goes on dates? Answer: Bro haters. Honestly, what the fuck is a date anyway? The entire practice of going out on dates is so fake. When a guy asks a girl out on a date, he is not interested in learning about the girl’s past , how tough it is to work at her office, or how she just knows she is "totally going to make it” in the fashion industry. Fuck that, they take them out on the date because they want to bang them. And for all you girls out there who are acting shocked, this is because you are merely hiding behind the fa├žade of dating from what it really is: guilt-free, legalized prostitution. Every girl out there has the number of dates they go on with a guy before they know they have to put out. Since the guy pretty much always has to pay for that shit, this is pretty much exactly like a hooker charging her standard rate. And if the girl puts out too early and “doesn’t collect” the three dates, instead of a pimp beating the money out of her, a much more horrifying outcome will occur: her friends will call her a slut.

Since bros are the smartest people in the world, they recognize this issue plaguing America. Unlike losers, bros don’t need to go on formal dates to get laid. So, instead of formal dates their “dates” consist of texting “What did you do tonight?” to some slam piece at 2am or buying some girl they met that night a PBR then #52 banging her in the back alley. The only time you will ever see a bro go on a date is when things “get serious” with a girl aka you’ve banged them every night for like 3 months and she finally gives you an ultimatum. Even then, your bro cred is fucking murdered. You’ve entered the bro black hole better known to bro haters as a “relationship.” The bottom line is that bros don’t need to go on dates because slam pieces don’t need any convincing to bang bros. They already know that bros are the shit.

45 comments:

Ford Brostang said...

Dates are for bro haters, but when you're in a drought a date can take you right out. Take a slam piece out, and then when they think you like them, they become even sluttier. Next thing you know, you're pounding- in the same night because you're a bro and can close the deal.

Dates should only happen in emergencies aka not getting laid for a few days. The only girls who ever go on a date are perfect 10 slam pieces. No ugly girls or girls that have anything wrong with them, such as: natural boobs, cellulite, etc.

Also, there should never be a 2nd date. Just 1, because that should be all that is needed to pound. If you have to go on a 2nd and still haven't pounded, you are not a bro.

TSU Bulldog said...

Another great post by NYB. Clearly, the bro thing to do is ignore that bitch and call her later tonight anyway. If bros don't get what they want...no FUCK THAT...FUCKIN' TAKE THAT SHIT. Call her up, tell her you're coming over, and go to town raw dog style.

Brostang raises an important point though. A drought, relatively speaking to each individual, could result in a date with a dime. Some people are probably saying, "But Bulldog, bros don't go on fucking droughts." Well, sir, for every rule there is an exception. It's a fact of life we have to deal with that really isn't fucking fair but we get back at it by absolutely milking that date and subsequent pussy for all it's worth. But the moment the bitch asks to go out again she is immediately kicked to the curb and/or curb-stomped so no other bro has to endure that shit.

sk8ter bro said...

Actual dates are for bro-haters!

I do ask girls on dates though, so they expect it & get really excited. The dates end up being this: me picking up the slam piece, driving directly back to my house, consuming a large amount of alcohol, then I say I can't drive home because I've been drinking, then she has to stay, then she gets pounded. That's my date.

Anonymous said...

im impressed. this is my first day on this bro website and it truly captures so many of the aspects attributed to being a true bro; not to mention has kept me entertained all day at work.

-thank you, from a fellow dc bro

Tom Brokaw said...

What do bro-haters do on dates anyway, read poetry or some shit?

If I'm not getting hammered or getting nice on some b-wings then what the fuck am I doing at a restaurant?

Kenny BROwers said...

Bro question....

I consider my roommate a fellow BroKing, bangin slam pieces, gettin wasted, and cheating through college.

Recently he put himself on every online dating site...

Clearly I told him he was a bro-hater, and moreover a complete fag. But then he starts banging all these hot, desperate, slam pieces... and proceeding to tell me how giving they are and how easy it is to juggle desperate sluts.

While I bang hot, desperate sluts too, I don't know wether to applaud my fellow bro and possibly snake the technique, or keep bashing him for being a match.com fag.

Bro or bro-hater?

sk8ter bro said...

Kenny Browers,

Your roommate could be a bro genius. This sounds like the ultimate bro-hater move, but the dumb slam pieces online probably have no self-confidence, are completely desperate, and will bang anyone who will look at them. I'd say this move is bro.

Plaxibro Burress said...

1) He is banging sluts.
2) He is smart as shit for using this admirable technique.

Assuming that he is not dropping coin on every one of these slampieces, he is obviously a bro.

Snake that shit.

BRODOZER said...

1) online dating is for bro haters

the end.

BrOce said...

while i have not done online dating myself, i wouldnt necessarily consider one a bro hater for doing it. i see it as just another weapon in a bro's arsenal of ways to find future ex slam pieces. its fucking 2009 - bros need to keep up with technology and use it to our advantage. if bros dont, someone else will.

Anonymous said...

Pac Man Brones here. I got a solid dating story for ya. It is actually something my bro-king friend was able to pull off after watching an episode of entourage, but I am going to steal his fucking story and say I did it myself cause I am a bro and true bros love stealing shit. Anyway, I know some of you yeast infections out there will say that this story is a bunch of shit, but it is completely true and he was only able to pull it off because the slampiece in question here was such a huge whore that her nickname was "Standing Ovation" because we all knew that if you boinked her she would give you the clap (gonorrhea) and now that you know this, you'll understand why he didn't ultimately put it in her vag.


Anyone can ask a girl out to dinner and a movie, but if you really want to get a girl wet (I mean really make her cooch rain) what you have to do is invite them on one of those corny heart-throb dates they see in chick flicks. So what is my go to date you ask? Picnic in the park? A night under the stars? Hell no. I invite them over for a nice bike ride through the countryside. Only thing is, when they show up at the Bro pad ready to go biking, I'm already drunk. I convince her to drink a few beers, and then I do it Johhny Drama style- I stick it in her butt and make her ride her bike home afterward. The Bike Ride of Shame baby.

Brobie Trice said...

what a great fucking post. slam pieces in the DC area are vicious for weaseling dates. don't get me wrong, there are a lot of whores but a lot of the worthy slampieces actually have self-respect which is fucked. I for one got sucked into a slam piece for 3 months but then the inner bro within told me I was becoming a stage 4 bro hater so what did I do? I simply ignored the bitch, yea she cried a lot but I was too busy going to the gym and getting fucked up to care.

bros dont date. bros are the shit.

ihsv

Blackface T. Pirate said...

Love the comment about The Daily Grind NYB. Currently working on my fourth straight year of never setting foot in there once.

BROpenhagen long cut said...

Brobie Trice...nice move. i was in the same situation. i was with this slam piece for a month and then she told me she loved me. bros dont "love" girls. bros love shotgunning beers and getting fucked up. so i pounded her one last time and didnt talk to her ever again

W.O.W. Bro said...

Dates suck butt! Great post NYB, keep it up man!

Broner said...

Did anyone here ever get tricked into a date? I did. I was pounding a slam piece for a few weeks when she invited me over. Usually, that meant for slamming. No. I walk in- her family is there. Parents, sister, and brother. Everyone is sitting at the table, waiting for me to begin dinner. I paused for a second and decided fuck it, it's time for a bro show.

I went directly to the fridge and took out 3 beers for myself, so I didn't have to keep getting up. i chugged the first, drank the next 2, then got some more and kept it up. As I was doing this, I complained about the food and purposely dropped as many f-bombs as possible. The brother & sister loved it- they were idiots. The parents hated me. I also kept making sexual referencing to the slam piece.

Best part? After getting screamed at when it was over, I left and decided fuck it- I'm done. I didn't care anyways. Not even 1 hour since I've been home, I hear the front door open, footsteps to my bedroom, my door opens, then the slam piece just whispers "sorry" and gives me head.

I fuckin rock!

Anonymous said...

Can we talk about yayo? Yo aint no bro if you dont blow.

Hideo BROmo said...

"Dates suck butt?" Just admitt to your fake bro friends that you're gay, then jump out the window

BROpenhagen long cut said...

honestly, who says "dates suck butt!" W.O.W. Bro, you probably play World Of Warcraft with all your broser friends. while your inside all day playing your "W.O.W." us bros are getting fucked up and pounding slam pieces. this site is for bros, not brosers (bro posers)

W.O.W. Bro said...

Hideo Homo- what's up with the bro hating? Why are you asking if I am gay? Trying to convert ppl to be like you (gay)? Fag.

Bropenhagen- i bet you have brown teeth and drive a shitty truck with a lift kit.

What's up with the bro hating?

Zack Brorris said...

What's up is you're not a bro, stop posting.

Broyakasha. said...

My idea of a date consists of feeding a slambaby my shmeat, and giving her a finishing flavor of bro-flavored mayonaise, shortly before opening up two corona brottles with her eye sockets like a british hooligan and handing one to my bro who helped me take her on said date.

Broyakasha.

Bro in Chicago said...

Great story Broner. Way to get some dome out of it too.

W.O.W. Bro said...

Zack Brorris- how am I not a bro. You know nothing about me. I never even told anyone what W.O.W. means, it's none of your business anyways- I chose the name. Keep being a bro poser that considers himself a bro just because you go to this site. You're not a bro. Bros don't try and call out people for no reason. Faggot.

BROpenhagen long cut said...

my teeth are always brown because i dip. bros dip. youre not a bro. you wish you had brown teeth. i dip when ever i can because #74 Tobacco is the shit. as for the truck..whats wrong with having something you can go mobbing in and not give a shit about? i can have fun with the bros and fuck up the environment at the same time. when you said i have brown teeth and that i drive a shitty truck with a lift kit, i didnt know if you were trying to hate on a bro or just say that im fucking awesome..its ok, go play your W.O.W.

Anonymous said...

Broner's story is EPIC! Thanks Bro, I think your story actually tops the original post!
I love this site. Bros rule!

#1 South Dakota Bro said...

i NEVER go on dates, but i suggest it and pretend i want to. i casually drop it in during the first conversation with a slam piece in the city. then i take the slam piece home and pound that shit until it's beat to shit and turn that pussy black & blue.

Bro Cal said...

I hit a slump and called up some slampiece i'd met and asked if she wanted to go on a date. On her way over I wised the fuck up realized that was the stupidest fucking idea ever. She gets here expecting me to take her out but I'm already too drunk to drive so I tell her she should rent a movie. She acts all hurt, but I'm a bro so of course she does what I say. When she gets back I ask her if she's hungry and she gets the nerve to say "yeah I was thinking sushi." Fuck that. I toss her a bagel and a coors light.

Bottom line, we watched Boondock Saints then boned, and I didn't spend a dime. Bro's rule.

AlexBroVechkin said...

nedsyoungerbro, let me first say good call on the date bullshit, totally for bitches.....next let me say, caps sesaon opener a week from tomorrow, im going to be there fucked up beyond all belief.....which brings me to the point of the comment, a good topic of conversation....how bros hate sydney crosby, that dude is a bigger brohater than society, babies and stds combined...im just saying, think about it

NeedBroAdvice said...

Bros-

Let's say you are fucking a dime slam piece on the reg. You are not trying to "date" or be "exclusive" with her bc relationships are unbrolike, and you want to bone other slam pieces. BUT you don't want her to be fucking other bros/brosers/bro-haters.. so how do you prevent her from sluttying herself around without becoming exclusive?

Sidney Crosbro said...

AlexBroVechkin-

Wrong. Crosby is a huge bro. I see you're a caps fan so you're probably jealous that you're number 1 player would be the number 3 player on the Pens. Crosby won a cup as captain at age 21. That makes him a huge bro!

The Real Alexander BROvechkin said...

You can't spell "Crosby" without "C-R-Y" - Penguins are gay. Remember when your team almost got relocated and you had to have little-jew (non-bro) Gary Bettman bail your team out by tossing a few lotto-draft pics your way? I do

Hey AlexBrovechkin - way to copy you faggot.

Zack Brorris said...

NeedBroAdvice - Assuming what you've said is true, here is all you need to know.

1. You are a bro, meaning you're smart as shit.

2. She is a bra, meaning she is dumb and can be manipulated with ease.

Therefore, all you need to do is lie. Tell her you think you guys could have "something special," but you want to "take it slow" and not jump right into the relationship. Basically tell the slam piece you two are "exclusive" or whatever. This will make her think you like her and that you're committed to her (which you are not), but will give you the freedom to do whatever you want. As Johnny Drama would say, lie like a mattress.

On a more important note, bros, we've made a terrible mistake.

Now I know what you're thinking, bros are the smartest people in the world. They're never wrong. While this is true, in our advancement of the bro way of life we've yet to mention the Bro King himself, Tucker Max.

Tucker embodies everything a bro should strive to be, and his book, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, is a staple in any true bro's life. When faced with a tough decision, all a bro needs to do is ask, What Would Tucker Do?, and do exactly that. I think this is something every bro can agree on.

Sidney Crosbro said...

First off- I'm not even a Pens fan. In fact, I hate the Pens. But to say Crosby is not a bro just because he dominated your team and all others is just stupid. Sid the Kid (hate that nickname) is a bro, that's a fact.

Remember when the Caps beat the Pens in the playoffs to advance last year? Oh wait, they didn't.

Ovechkin will become a bro when he wins a cup, which will probably never happen- unless he gets traded.

Bron Paul said...

Needbroadvice,

If you have to ask your not a bro. Bros are born Bros, you cant become one, this shit cannot be taught, it is more instictual than breathing. Someone trying to become a bro is called a broser. You are a fag.

NeedBroAdvice said...

You're the man Bron Paul, you're just the fucking man.

Alexander BROvechkin said...

Sidney Crosbro - relieved to hear that you're not a Pens fan (aka not gay).

I am not a caps fan. Flyers actually. The problem I have with Crosby is he is an absolute prima donna and is a complete child when things don't go his way.

You clearly don't know anything about hockey (possibly one of the most bro sports out there) if you think that crosby won the cup by himself. Let's not forget Malkin won the Conn Smyth (playoffs MVP). Ovie has no one like that on his team.

Also - look up the E60 on Ovie. His stated hobbies are boozing, driving, and pounding poon. Much more Bro than Crosby.

Brodacious said...

A true bro doesn't give a flying fuck about what a slampiece thinks/says/does. Treat her like the piece of shit that she is and chances are she'll swallow anything you feed her...whether that be your load or some bullshit story about what you did instead of be with her last night.

Slampieces love it when you treat them like the piece of shit whores that they are. Bottom line is that since bros are the shit, pretty much any bra is very easily replaceable.

LaxBro said...

"You clearly don't know anything about hockey (possibly one of the most bro sports out there)"


Excuse me, but I believe that Lacrosse is the ultimate bro sport. LaxBros are the true bros.

London StockBROker said...

Bros should live by the £100 rule. If you spent more than a £100 on a girl and she didn't sleep with you, you should have just made a bee lone for the whores. Girls should know this rule and play ball!!!

Marl Bro said...

if you live in london, you are not a bro.

tucker max is not a bro.

bro's don't ask questions, they give answers.

Patrick said...

"There will be no scones and coffee at the Daily Grind"- at W&M that is like THE first date spot but of course I don't fall in that trap because I am a fucking bro
(one exception was when it was a clue for my frat big)

Gordon Brokko said...

A few comments in no particular order from a Wall Street Bro:

1. Working in Finance is bro, NYC, London, as long as you're in a big city.

2. If you're banging a slampiece and worried about her whoring around when she's not on your face/dick/kitchen floor, you are simply not laying pipe/munching box like a bro. End of story. If you fuck right, you got nothing to worry about.
2b. If you're worried she'll be pissed when she finds out you're fucking other slampieces, see the above. If you fuck her right she'll ALWAYS come back, and the worse you treat her the more she'll want you. Slampieces are not smart, bros are, use this advantage.

3. Internet "dating" sites are A FUCKING GOLDMINE! You poke/friend/msg sluts that are already posting pics of themselves in slutty poses, aim/gchat/whatever for a few days/weeks (far better than talking on the phone where you actually have to kinda focus/maintain conversation), and then once you meet, as long as she's not hideous, the deal is already sealed, boom, done, sexy time.

4. I'm a big fan of "dates" wherein I ask some girl to come to a (sometimes nice) bar/lounge I was going to already, where she basically sips 2 vodka tonics while I slam straight grey goose till I'm around 3x the legal limit. The advantage here, especially at bars you frequent, is you can actually use the time to talk to your bartender/waitress friends and hit on other chicks under the auspices of "being friendly." When your slut goes to the bathroom you just get the other girls # (great plan b for the night if plan a falls-through, which it shouldn't, but whatever). Then you take her home and slam her out, boom, done.

Anonymous said...

why is it such a big deal. i was in a relationship with my bf,fucked him every morning and gave him head whenever he wanted. did kinky shit...lol why is that bad

Brostradamus said...

^^^youre probably a slut and would have done that regardless of whether or not he took you on dates (this makes him a pussy and therefore not a bro). Whore.

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