After a long day of getting fucked up, watching football, and absolutely dominating bitches at corn hole, you have finally found your way to the bar. It’s been awhile since you’ve been able to speak an actual sentence, so you just stand by the cover band nodding your head while they play some shitty rendition of a Bon Jovi song. Out of the corner of your eye you spot her – blonde hair, nice rack, and pretty decent ass dancing with her fat friend just five feet away from you. She seems fucked up too, so you chug one the beers you had been double fisting and put on the charm aka coming in from behind to start #29 grinding on her. She’s resistant at first, but then she realizes you’re a fucking bro so she waves her fat friend off to go cry in the corner because she’ll never be loved. You make out for a while and you’re already thinking how you are going to make your escape from her house the next morning. That’s when she gets the text. It’s from her fat friend. Apparently, in an attempt to eat her feelings, she ordered some loaded cheese fries that didn’t exactly settle with her and is now puking all over the bathroom. In a last ditch effort to distract the hot bitch from the DUFF, you ask for her #49 number. She gives it to you, but instead of the expected, “Give me a call later tonight,” she breaks out the, “Call me this week, maybe we can go to dinner or something.” You’re stunned. “Is she fucking serious? Doesn’t she know I’m a fucking bro?” You put her number into your phone, but one thing is for sure – there will be no dinner and a movie later this week. There will be no coffee and scones at The Daily Grind. There will be no bet on the 18th putt-putt hole saying “a hole in one means you get a kiss.” Fuck that. Bros fucking hate dates.
Question: Who the fuck goes on dates? Answer: Bro haters. Honestly, what the fuck is a date anyway? The entire practice of going out on dates is so fake. When a guy asks a girl out on a date, he is not interested in learning about the girl’s past , how tough it is to work at her office, or how she just knows she is "totally going to make it” in the fashion industry. Fuck that, they take them out on the date because they want to bang them. And for all you girls out there who are acting shocked, this is because you are merely hiding behind the façade of dating from what it really is: guilt-free, legalized prostitution. Every girl out there has the number of dates they go on with a guy before they know they have to put out. Since the guy pretty much always has to pay for that shit, this is pretty much exactly like a hooker charging her standard rate. And if the girl puts out too early and “doesn’t collect” the three dates, instead of a pimp beating the money out of her, a much more horrifying outcome will occur: her friends will call her a slut.
Since bros are the smartest people in the world, they recognize this issue plaguing America. Unlike losers, bros don’t need to go on formal dates to get laid. So, instead of formal dates their “dates” consist of texting “What did you do tonight?” to some slam piece at 2am or buying some girl they met that night a PBR then #52 banging her in the back alley. The only time you will ever see a bro go on a date is when things “get serious” with a girl aka you’ve banged them every night for like 3 months and she finally gives you an ultimatum. Even then, your bro cred is fucking murdered. You’ve entered the bro black hole better known to bro haters as a “relationship.” The bottom line is that bros don’t need to go on dates because slam pieces don’t need any convincing to bang bros. They already know that bros are the shit.