Tuesday, November 24, 2009

#93 Blackout Wednesday

You’re depressed as shit. Not only did you get caught playing the “push the campus rape button and run game,” but even worse you have to go home for like five days for Thanksgiving. Last time you were home your parents threatened to stop paying tuition if you didn’t bring your grades up. You tried to explain to them that all you fucking need to graduate is a 2.0 and you’re at like a 2.13, so they should shut the fuck up. After they failed to buy your logic, you told them that Tom Petty quote about blowing off studying and working on papers to go get fucked up, but that just made matters worse. As you are #85 plowing down the road trying to make good time, you get a text. It’s your bro from high school who had the “cool” parents who let you get fucked up in their basement. Sure some kid had to go to the hospital Junior year, but his parents were totally pros about it and just dropped him at the curb so they wouldn’t get arrested. Thank God – that bro-hater almost ruined Senior year. Anyways, as you are dreading seeing your parents and hearing their same old tired speech of “Blah Blah responsibility blah blah why don’t you ever call blah blah why didn’t you come to your grandmother’s funeral blah blah blah,” you read the text – “5 kegs my house 2nite.” Suddenly, this slow painful death march aka family time just got interesting. It’s the night before Thanksgiving, the greatest drinking day of the year. It’s time to get fucked up.

Throughout my drinking career, I’m proud to say there have been many a morning where I have woken up covered in my own vomit and/or piss. I’ve also enjoyed some lengthy stretches of blackouts that might medically qualify me for being in coma, but out of the top five nights of drunkenness, at least two occurred on Blackout Wednesday. If you ever think you’ve hit absolutely rock bottom in the eyes of your parents you might want to reconsider. Thanksgiving my Junior year of College was a special one. At dinner, my parents got to tell the lovely tale of the night before when they witnessed me walk into their bedroom naked and #36 pee on the floor. This followed the previous year’s impressive explosive vomiting display all over my Grandmother’s retirement home parking lot as old people judged me from their high horses aka wheelchairs. Fucking critical bitches. Since I’m a bro and by definition smart as shit I just passed that off as “Sleepwalking” and “Food Poisoning.” I think they bought it. Fucking idiots.

Anyways, the point is that bros fucking love the night before Thanksgiving. Most people will be quick to tell you it is the second biggest drinking day of they year, but for bros, it has to be number one. New Years is basically just a post-High School prom where everyone and their fucking mother has to go out and spend a shit load of money on something you could do any other night of the year – get fucked and get laid. Here are a couple things that make the night before Thanksgiving so amazing.

Having the Best Story – Bros love being the best. Especially amongst their fellow bros. Every bro knows he goes to the biggest party school, has the craziest fraternity or group of bros at College, and has banged the hottest slam pieces. The only hard part is convincing your bros at home. Any bro reunion is immediately filled with, “Oh you don’t know my bro Thompson! He’s fucking crazy!” and “You have got to check out this hot slam piece I’m banging” followed by everyone huddling around an iPhone. Having the best story from the semester is clutch, because if it is good enough, it gives you legit bro cred. Your bros will also enjoy said cred, since they will be able to tell everyone back at school how crazy their bros back home are.

Seeing How Fat People Have Gotten – Since everyone from High School is back in town, there usually is going to be some reunion of sorts. I always love seeing all the middle linebackers in High School who are now 280 with like two kids. What a fucking fat ass. What’s even better is seeing how fat all the girls that used to be hot as shit have gotten. Not only are they now desperate as shit because the only thing they had going for them is gone, but it gives you a great opportunity for a new #28 nickname. Sure she might have been known as “Aqua Slut” back in High School when she was a swimmer, but that was before she had the audacity to put on weight - now she’s “Swamp Thing.” As she walks by, you and your bros can yell out, “Go back to the Swamp!” or “Sorry, no fish heads for you to eat here, Swampy!” While some bro-haters might consider this “cruel,” you’re actually doing her a favor. Maybe this is the boost she needs to get back on that “anhorexia diet” so that she can be popular again.

So, tomorrow night, don’t go out with the mindset of it being “just another night.” Remember that without the Indians there would be no night before Thanksgiving. Honor them tomorrow by doing what they love to do more than anything in the entire world: Get fucking hammered.

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great post pro. Gotta love getting hammered to keep those spirits up after being forced home for a few days. But bros do love meat, so thanksgiving is the shit. And the best part is coming home freshman year and seeing that kid who some how gained 15 pounds in three months, he looks like a chipmunk and its funny as shit. This happened with one of my friends and we have called him chippy ever since.

Daniel said...

My bro got so fucked up on Wednesday night and Thursday last year he passed out face down in the mashed potatoes at the dinner table.

Beermonster said...

I feel that since you're stuck at home for only a few short days and with finals right around the corner, it's a great time for a bender. Look at it this way, you party at school to celebrate your "going away" with your bros, head home and party wednesday night. I personally enjoy casual day drinking after a nice tackle football game on the high school field (relatively) early on thanksgiving day morning, then party all day friday for black(out) friday. No way to gain back all the respect your parents lost by you then drinking 7 days in a row in their presence.

Anonymous said...

phenomenal reference to alcoholic indians

Beer Drinking BRO said...

My bros & I dress up as Pilgrims & Indians each night before Thanksgiving and have a mock Thanksgiving dinner, reminiscent of the first Thanksgiving in my front yard. But we have no food, just alcohol. Then we have a WWF style royal rumble between the Pilgrims and Indians. It's awesome and has become a neighborhood tradition where everyone comes to watch us get drunk then fight.

All Bros Go To Heaven said...

pilgrims are true heroes and quite possibly the origin of american bro-ness...killing the injuns and taking their land has BRO written all over it.

Scottyh211 said...

Me and my buddies have a tradition of going to the strip club on Thanksgiving every years....our way of giving back to the needy.

Bron Paul said...

Nothing like guilting you mom into coming and picking you up from a slampieces house at 5 am, after a night of getting laser faced, because you woke her parents and her dad pulled a gun on you, because you already paid for one abortion with the dumb slut. Bonus points awarded for puking in your moms Beemer on the way home.

Bros are the Shit.

Anonymous said...

so fucking true bro, great time to come home and rag on all the dudes who were cool in high school because they had a "bro" friend since elementary school, but then went to college and couldn't even get into a good frat and now is just another bro hater

BROhemian Rhapsody said...

Simply Amazing - thats all i got

BROther Mouzone said...

Completely agree that blackout weds. is the top drinking NIGHT of the year, but we all know this is leading up to "scratch blackout wednesday, St. Patty's day is the number one drinking day fro bro's" come March. Tell me I'm wrong, you're a bro-hater.

Matt said...

Thanksgiving is the perfect time celebrate the pillaging of the native americans' fertile land. And of course to celebrate the way that John Rolfe pillaged the last Native American slampiece: Pocahontas

James MonBRO said...

My parents are those parents. Last year i had a thanks-eve bangout when the fam was having thanksgiving dinner at the house the next night. by 2 am a party in my basement became a party in my street. by 3 am one of my bros tried to climb into bed with my cousin and her baby.

Bro Down said...

Great fucking post. Last year I had a wicked drunk drive home on that night. My fuckin best bro one upped me though by driving home smashed out of his mind and then was woken up the next morning on the bathroom floor in his own puke. By his mom and grandfather.

Best thing is to see those bitches who got all fat while not leaving town, busy slummng it at community college and smoking newports and trying to be as cool as they were in like 10th grade.

Scott BROsius said...

Perfect post bro. Drinking beers and judging the people who really let themselves go while away at college are great parts of that night.

Bromalhdahyde said...

Daniel your bro is softer thn baby shit. my bro davey pissed in the cranberry sauce his mom left out the night before while his mom was preping dinner at like 10am and his brohating gf spread that shit on her place true story i had some too i was fucking wasted threw up all the dinner my my and aunt spent days throwin together

LBDT said...

Me and my bros party with that extra Wild Turkey on Thanksgiving Eve. Fuck yeah - LBDT, bros.

Broseph Addai said...

Best part about Blackout Wednesday is drunkenly texting your slam-piece from high school and convincing her to cheat on her bro-hater boyfriend by blowing you in your mom's basement.

Bill BROmanowski said...

Great fucking post bro. Hitting the strip of bars in your affluent suburb with your letters is like fishing with dynamite. There are always the hot little frosh girls who got in with their fake id's and have wanted to fuck you since you fucked there sister. Now that they are in a bar and in college, they want so badly for you to see them as grown up that they'll bust down anywhere. Great call on the Wild Turkey, very bro idea.

Conrad said...

No on has ever called this Skanksgiving? The night before Thanksgiving where all the slam pieces get all skanked up?

Skanksgiving.

Anonymous said...

thanksgiving is the shit. wake-up from blackout wednesday, eat a shit load of food. the only bad part is the bro-hating parents: "don't gulp the $300 a bottle wine", "no hard liquor at the dinner table". but fuck it, bros will still rock that shit then watch some football.

Tony Bromo said...

Apparently bro hating parents don't like it when you teach your brannabe little cousins how to turn whip cream bottles into wippets.

Anonymous said...

This blog is the story of my life. My parents are trying to make me transfer becuase I frat too hard but I'm just gonna plow down the road and coast until I hit something.

Anonymous said...

Bromalhdahyd...What the fuck are you talking about? Bros are SMART as shit; you sound like an idiot. NYB, great post as usual. When is the Bro newspaper coming out?

Anonymous said...

My one bro got so fucked up the night before thanksgiving, that he had no choice but to continue getting fucked up thanksgiving morning. Because he is such legit bro, he decided to ease his nerves on Turkey day by eating Xanax and started confessing bro stories at his family's thanksgiving table...including the time he bought crack from a drug dealer on his walk to a bar, and gave it to some reject. Just because he wanted to be funny with his bros and buy crack.

Broey Ramsey said...

Bro today is thanksgiving, so you know I was fucked up last night. I drove to orlando, which should have been a 2 hour drive, but I made it there in an hour and 15. Got there and started pounding brews left and right. Talkin shit cause some of my family are fucking cowboy fans. Took about 7 shots of gin. And pissed in a corner of their living room at 230 in the morning. I don't remember shit.

Anonymous said...

My cousin is on his way over right now. He's a Jr in college, trying to frat hard. Still hasn't learned the lesson (the way I did after waking up to rocks and dreams pre-parental visit for college football game) that your parents are NEVER going to be impressed by how much you can drink. I can't wait to fuel his fire. Gives me a ton of leeway.

Anonymous said...

got fuuuuuuuuucked up last night

Anonymous said...

nothing better than starting blackout wednesday pounding jim beam on my bros brand new boat, continuing throughout the day and night and then seshing real fat and then eating all the food in my bros kitchen only to find out it was all the food his mom needed to cook for thanksgiving

Anonymous said...

This is such a great post.
Last few days went as follows:
Tuesday: saw how fat everyone got, and got shitfaced at the bar.
Wednesday: went to a rager at my bros house who did in fact always have the "cool parents."
Thursday: woke up at 9, played an hour and half of football, then killed beers in the parking lot of my old high school for 4 hours, and tried real hard to not be the biggest shitshow at thanksgiving dinner.
Its been a great week.

Anonymous said...

Me and about 25 of my bros rented a school bus and barhopped with 18 year old slampieces. Complete with expired credit cards and a townie dj on the bus.
Buncha Peaked fatties that used to be hot in 10th grade tried to come to so we gave em the wrong address. Cant be doin that

Anonymous said...

Excuse me for any punctuation, grammar, or spelling errors... or don't, for I am such a fucking BRO KING that I am slam-hammered drunk as I type this at what seems to be creeping up on four AM on the fourth (Or fifth) day of my thanksgiving bender.
I crushed a thirty of Stones with some fellow bros on an epic road-trip home. Upon arival I was greeted with a complementary half gallon of castillos, which was dominated in less than an hour by me, and one other close, personal bro in what was likely the the most savagely authorative pre-game in noted bro history.
After destroying that bottle we loaded up in our bro-dozer, and headed out to our favorite bar, filled with bountiful slam-pieces, and free beers until midnight.
We got so absolutely shit-faced that the last thing I remember was a grappling match in the parking lot, and a brief period of time travel which led me directly to waking up fully dressed, covered in my own vomit in a strangers bath-tub.
Been drinking since.
All hail BRO-KING.

Anonymous said...

St. Paddy's day should be #1 followed by Wednesday before Thanksgiving, lastly New Years.

avacabro said...

oh hell ya bros

The Notorious B.R.O. said...

In true bro form, me and my bros got blacked out Wednesday night from a healthy dose of jaegar bombs and touchdowns. Most went home with slam pieces to give them a Thanksgiving stuffing.

Anonymous said...

Bro, I blacked out hardcore last Wednesday, still trying to piece together my weekend... keep up the bro work, it's crucial

BROsama bin Slayin said...

Blackout Wednesdays also the shit for finding out that once prude bro-hating bitches are now full-fledged college sluts.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Bro Foster said...

Here at VT we call them Whiskey Wednesdays and they rule.

Anonymous said...

alcohol makes everything better. im not even old enough to drink, and im a girl. sooooooo bye i love brooooss and alcoholl

Anonymous said...

tastey tuesday, wake up drunk wednesday, thirsty thursday.. and do it all again

Anonymous said...

Guys, this is totally inappropriate. I can't believe how disrespectful your are to your family. You're alcoholic scum. You make no contribution to society and weigh us all down. I can't believe God allowed you to leave your mother's vagina.

May Jesus Christ save your soul.

Rocky BalBROa said...

Love this site.....Blackout Wednesday..i took a bra back to her place after mad drinks at the bar and blacked out...of course i was hammered but dont bros drive best when they are completely shitfaced?..After finishing the deed with my slampiece i felt the need to punish the toilet..Instead, i thought it would be funny if i went downstairs and dropped a huge duece right on the top of her trash can...Best part her aunt woke up cuz she was sleeping on the couch and watched me do it...got my keys and bounced straight bro style...best nite ever.

Prowlercc4 said...

One blackout wednesday I got so wrecked i opened my laptop and pissed all over it thinking it was the toilet.

bromosexual said...

i started calling it "skanksgiving" to my friends and come some serious bro cred

Anonymous said...

fuck that anonymous bro hater, its absolutley crucial to get inappropriatley drunk the night before thanksgiving, my dads patron bottle isnt going to drink its self. And why not drink the night before thanksgiving? it is completley acceptable to sit on the couch watching football while the women make us food, nothing better when hungover and trying to recover for getting drunk again thanksgiving night

the Truth said...

thanksgiving is going to be the shit bros. fucking gettin' hammered with some bros before the Borgore concert, then grinding with some slampiece thats definitely older than me because im still in high school.
Bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

As I read this post and comments, I can't help but get hyped for one of the best fucking nights of the year!! Blackout Wednesday is like new year's without all the sentimental bullshit.

Anonymous said...

excellent post, that was some legit stuff

BlackoutKing said...

NYB... This is probably your best post of all time for sure top five I have been reading this for the past month to get ready for black wednesday. Last year i woke up freezing at a park at like 4 in the morning no clue how i got there. I am really having trouble sleeping after reading this again thinking of how hard i plan on #142 blacking out later.

Anonymous said...

Another great post NYB. I have been reading this site for about a year now and have passed on your words of wisdom to other fellow bros from high school and college. I couldn't agree more with these posts and I look forward to reading more new ones in the future.

John Benjamin said...

Dude, pissing on the floor while naked in front of your parents?!?! That's so fucking awesome.

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