Growing up, every bro had that subscription to Sports Illustrated and every week they would get their new issue so they could read the articles aka look at the pictures and maybe skim over the captions. As much fun as it was to read the weekly Rick Reilly article about some retarded high school water boy for the football team that finally got a chance to play so that the other team could let him score a touchdown, there was truly only one reason why young bros fucking loved their Sports Illustrated subscription: the swimsuit issue. Today’s bros never had the luxuries of high quality computer porn growing up that bros-in-training enjoy today. Instead, bros had to rely on scrambled porn, advertisements for bras in the newspaper, and most importantly – the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Do bros love checking out the latest fashion? Do bros really care about the great photography on the tropical photo shoots? Do bros ever read a single fucking word that’s in the swimsuit issue? How about a fuck no on all counts. Bros fucking love the swimsuit issue because of one thing: the fucking models. Bros know that models have the perfect body, and do everything in their power to let all women know that this is the only acceptable shape.
At some point in every bro’s life they’ve had a poster of a model hanging in their room or as the background on their computer. Are these models ever “plus sized?’ Fuck no. Plus sized models are some of the worst people on the fucking planet. They promote getting fat as shit and laziness. What do plus sized models do in photo shoots anyways? Model eating Klondike bars?
Models deserve all the fame and accolades that they receive. They are some of the most important and influential people of all time and the World would be lost without them. Models are amazing because they make “normal” aka ugly girls feel bad about themselves. Therefore they are much more likely to sleep with you because they are not as hot as the Marissa Miller poster you have on your wall. Bros love the fact that over 8 million people watched the Victoria’s Secret fashion show last week, which means there were a shitload of girls taking notes about how they should look. I always hate it when you walk by a lingerie store and see some fatty looking to buy some shit. Doesn’t she realize it’s only meant to be worn by someone who looks like Heidi Klum? I usually just taunt her to the point where she starts to cry and rushes to the gym to desperately run on a treadmill on an empty stomach wearing like six layers of clothes. She’ll thank me later.
While bros fucking love models, there are bro-haters out there who are spreading lies about these perfect people, and it’s time that we here dispel this complete and utter bullshit.
Myth #1: The Modeling Industry Sets the Women’s Movement Back: Give me a fucking break. Name a woman who is more powerful that a model? Can’t do it can you – and if you said Nancy Pelosi or that new Mexican judge-slut, try again. We’re not counting lesbians in this poll. Models are the greatest thing to ever happen to women. If it wasn’t for them, they would have no idea what they should really look like. Not to mention how to get a famous boyfriend or husband. It’s so fucking simple, just look like a model and you can even get some of the biggest bros of all time (e.g. Tiger Woods, OJ Simpson) to settle down in a committed relationship.
Myth #2: Models Create An Unhealthy and Unattainable Body Image: Oh my fucking God, I get so angry just hearing that shit. “Unobtainable?” Are you fucking kidding me? If it were unobtainable then the models wouldn’t have the bodies that they fucking have. It’s called logic bitch. You know who are the ones spreading all this shit around? Yeah, that’s right, fucking fatties. Chances are, if you’ve ever criticized the modeling industry there is a 99% chance you’ve ordered 2 drinks at the fast food drive-thru trying to disguise the fact that all the food you ordered is just for your fat ass. When was the last time you ever saw a model have health problems besides cocaine overdoses? That’s right fucking never.
So the next time you see a model posing in some painted on swimsuit, don’t just immediately start trying to locate and make out their nipples – realize who these women are: heroes.