It’s a typical Wednesday Night. You and your bros are out at the bar and for some reason no one is fucking out. Sure it’s like 15 degrees out and snowing, but who gives a fuck. What else are you going to do on a Wednesday? I mean you could just sit around and totally pig out with a big tub of Chunky Monkey while watching a bunch of D list celebrities do the fucking fox trot, but you’re not a fat girl, so that’s not fucking happening. After a night pounding shots and telling the hot bartender all about your #14 parents’ summerhouse in Martha’s Vineyard and how she would be lucky to hook up with you, you’re bro comes back to your table from the bathroom.
“We have to go,” he says.
First you tell him to fuck off, but he keeps laughing uncontrollably and says he’ll tell you what’s so funny if you just leave with him. Finally, you agree and pay your tab. After putting in your solid groundwork, you leave your phone number on the bill instead of a tip with the message, “Let’s Bang!” You walk out into the snow and your bro falls down laughing.
“Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you, I was probably going to bang that bartender in the kitchen, but you had to ruin it.”
“Bro, I don’t think she’s going to bang you.”
”Why the fuck not, I used my rich parents game on her. I’m going to make her think she’s that whore in ‘Pretty Woman.’”
“Dude – we really shouldn’t be going back to that bar for awhile?”
“Seriously, what the fuck did you do?”
That’s when he drops the greatest 10 words you’ve ever heard:
“I took a fucking dump in the ladies room sink.”
Immediately, you and your bros get silent. The first thought that drifts through your mind is anger at not being able to go to the only bar in town for at least a couple weeks, but that slowly turns into pride. Pride that your bro performed perhaps the most lewd and inhumane act outside of marriage that a bro could ever hope to accomplish. You nearly come to tears out of happiness as your bro has eclipsed the final hurdle that challenged him and with that dump took his seat amongst Levi Johnston, Tiger Woods, and the rest as a true Bro King. Bros fucking love taking dumps places that aren’t the toilet.
Ever since they were young bros-in-training, bros have always loved dumps. They love #25 talking about them, putting animal dumps in bags and lighting that shit on fire, and most of all, they love taking them. But taking dumps can get pretty boring, I mean honestly, they happen almost every day, sometimes multiple times depending on how hungover you are, so how do bros keep things fresh and make them memorable? That’s right – they fucking dump place that they shouldn’t. But what are the main reasons why bros do this?
To Send A Message – I don’t think I need to begin to explain to you how many bro-haters exist in this world. Brocism is real, and these bro-haters love to do shit like make anonymous calls to the police or rat you out for #2 stealing shit. What better way than to just take a dump somewhere that they will see it. When I was in College there was an all boys dorm that we fucking hated. To be honest I really can’t remember why we hated them so much, probably because administration placed them in the all-boys dorm, which definitely meant that they were gay, but I’m not really sure. Anyways, to show how much we hated them, one of my bros decided to take a dump on their fire escape and left a shit load of toilet paper to make sure they knew “it wasn’t a deer.” Other great messages are Upper-Deckers, which is just dumping in the top shelf of the toilet. While highly effective, you must be careful. It is very tough to explain yourself when your enemy accidentally walks in on you perched atop the their toilet desperately trying to give birth to a little thing called payback. “Well isn’t this how all people take dumps?” will only work on certain less intelligent people – like girls.
For No Reason Whatsoever – While bros will often use their bowel movements as revenge, the real reason they take dumps in random places is much more important: because it’s fucking hilarious. I always love hearing stories about people who have a party and spend a shitload of money on kegs so that random people can come over to have fun. Then the next day as they go to take a shower they find a nice turd waiting for them in the tub. Fucking hilarious. Getting creative with your dump spots definitely gets you some serious bro points. For example, I know a guy who shat in a dryer full of clothes in a girls’ dorm and turned that shit on! Imagine that girl’s face when she went to get all her shitty clothing! Seriously, does it get any better than that? The best part is he had no idea whose clothing that shit was either – just decided it might be fun to take a dump in the dryer. Fucking comic genius.
So the next time you get that growl in your stomach, don’t just automatically resort to the old-fashioned dumping method that the bro-hater that is society dictates. Be original. Be creative. Take a dump in a fucking pillowcase.