Tuesday, December 15, 2009

#97 Taking Dumps In Places That Aren't The Toilet

It’s a typical Wednesday Night. You and your bros are out at the bar and for some reason no one is fucking out. Sure it’s like 15 degrees out and snowing, but who gives a fuck. What else are you going to do on a Wednesday? I mean you could just sit around and totally pig out with a big tub of Chunky Monkey while watching a bunch of D list celebrities do the fucking fox trot, but you’re not a fat girl, so that’s not fucking happening. After a night pounding shots and telling the hot bartender all about your #14 parents’ summerhouse in Martha’s Vineyard and how she would be lucky to hook up with you, you’re bro comes back to your table from the bathroom.

“We have to go,” he says.

First you tell him to fuck off, but he keeps laughing uncontrollably and says he’ll tell you what’s so funny if you just leave with him. Finally, you agree and pay your tab. After putting in your solid groundwork, you leave your phone number on the bill instead of a tip with the message, “Let’s Bang!” You walk out into the snow and your bro falls down laughing.

“Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you, I was probably going to bang that bartender in the kitchen, but you had to ruin it.”
“Bro, I don’t think she’s going to bang you.”
”Why the fuck not, I used my rich parents game on her. I’m going to make her think she’s that whore in ‘Pretty Woman.’”
“Dude – we really shouldn’t be going back to that bar for awhile?”
“Seriously, what the fuck did you do?”
That’s when he drops the greatest 10 words you’ve ever heard:
“I took a fucking dump in the ladies room sink.”
Immediately, you and your bros get silent. The first thought that drifts through your mind is anger at not being able to go to the only bar in town for at least a couple weeks, but that slowly turns into pride. Pride that your bro performed perhaps the most lewd and inhumane act outside of marriage that a bro could ever hope to accomplish. You nearly come to tears out of happiness as your bro has eclipsed the final hurdle that challenged him and with that dump took his seat amongst Levi Johnston, Tiger Woods, and the rest as a true Bro King. Bros fucking love taking dumps places that aren’t the toilet.

Ever since they were young bros-in-training, bros have always loved dumps. They love #25 talking about them, putting animal dumps in bags and lighting that shit on fire, and most of all, they love taking them. But taking dumps can get pretty boring, I mean honestly, they happen almost every day, sometimes multiple times depending on how hungover you are, so how do bros keep things fresh and make them memorable? That’s right – they fucking dump place that they shouldn’t. But what are the main reasons why bros do this?

To Send A Message – I don’t think I need to begin to explain to you how many bro-haters exist in this world. Brocism is real, and these bro-haters love to do shit like make anonymous calls to the police or rat you out for #2 stealing shit. What better way than to just take a dump somewhere that they will see it. When I was in College there was an all boys dorm that we fucking hated. To be honest I really can’t remember why we hated them so much, probably because administration placed them in the all-boys dorm, which definitely meant that they were gay, but I’m not really sure. Anyways, to show how much we hated them, one of my bros decided to take a dump on their fire escape and left a shit load of toilet paper to make sure they knew “it wasn’t a deer.” Other great messages are Upper-Deckers, which is just dumping in the top shelf of the toilet. While highly effective, you must be careful. It is very tough to explain yourself when your enemy accidentally walks in on you perched atop the their toilet desperately trying to give birth to a little thing called payback. “Well isn’t this how all people take dumps?” will only work on certain less intelligent people – like girls.

For No Reason Whatsoever – While bros will often use their bowel movements as revenge, the real reason they take dumps in random places is much more important: because it’s fucking hilarious. I always love hearing stories about people who have a party and spend a shitload of money on kegs so that random people can come over to have fun. Then the next day as they go to take a shower they find a nice turd waiting for them in the tub. Fucking hilarious. Getting creative with your dump spots definitely gets you some serious bro points. For example, I know a guy who shat in a dryer full of clothes in a girls’ dorm and turned that shit on! Imagine that girl’s face when she went to get all her shitty clothing! Seriously, does it get any better than that? The best part is he had no idea whose clothing that shit was either – just decided it might be fun to take a dump in the dryer. Fucking comic genius.

So the next time you get that growl in your stomach, don’t just automatically resort to the old-fashioned dumping method that the bro-hater that is society dictates. Be original. Be creative. Take a dump in a fucking pillowcase.

111 comments:

Bill Brosky said...

This is a classic post. Some of my bros have definitely pulled this off, two of them on their 21st birthdays. One of my bros shit in his sink, and another one dropped a fucking steamer on a lamp in his room. I've also heard of someone getting a fucking blowjob from some blacked-out chick while he was taking a shit. This one also reminds of It's Always Sunny when Frank shits Charlie's bed. Great fucking episode, Frank is a fucking bro-king.

titanium tetraBROmide said...

Fuckin GENIUS post NYB, It reminded me of one of my bros who not only loves to take shits, but will send out a picture message to every bro in his cellphone. This one in particular goes back to our highschool bro days. Class had just gotten out but he skipped the last period cuz only brohaters need to sit in class, and as I am walkin out to my car i see my bro popping up real quick and laughin as he walks back into school. I go to where he was at to see a GIANT turd next to our other bros car, FUCKIN CLASSIC. The best part is the next day we went to the football to watch bras try to be bros in an event dubbed Powder-Puff, and our Dean while directing students stepped in the large pile of semi-dry broshit. This broshit was a doublehitter, got our bro and our brohatin Dean.

Bro vs Wade said...

The part about upper decking was fucking hilarious. One time my bro had these bra neighbors (not worthy of being called slam pieces) and they kept trying to pull pranks on him. So we were pretty blitzed at his apartment and I had an urge bottoming out. He stated he had an idea handed me a grocery sack which relieved myself in. we then proceed to empty the sack under their doormat. knocked on the door and as one of them hurried outside she hit the door mat slipped in fell to her shitty doom. she saw us dying laughing started crying and has never bothered us again

chevbrolet tahbroe said...

this one fraternity brother was told to upper deck a toilet in a dorm, he wasn't exactly sure what that was so he improvised. He ended up taking a shit on the flat part of the toilet just behind the seat... We now have pledges do the same in his honor.

College Bropublicans said...

Awesome.

Reminds me of the dump-in-wrong-places' brother, the greatest tailgate game, Poo Dollar.

"hahaha, he called the 'shit' poo!"

ASU Sun Bro said...

A longtime tradition in my ASU frat is to take a dump DURING the slaying of a slam piece.

Bros began this at Arizona State long ago and we kept it up in their honor. It's so funny. It used to be exclusive to our frat, until others started copying, now even bro-haters in no frat do it. It's become the norm at Arizona State.

It's so funny, the bras flip out when they realize what happened.

Bro Zedong said...

We were in Florida over break and were gonna stay with these girls we knew from school, except one was a huge bitch and wouldnt let us. So instead, we got hammered, came back and broke into their private beach area. One of the bros took a shit on their beach, and wiped his ass with his hands in the ocean. Then he proceeded to do unspeakable things to one of the girls with said hands.

Bill Bromanowski said...

Amazing. Along with the Upper Decker the Dry Dock is another choice move. You turn off the water to the toilet, flush so the take is empty, then take you shit. We did this to every toilet in this stupid bra's house for inviting us to a party and then running out of beer. Taught her a lesson in respect. She had to call a plumber to figure it out.

Studweiser said...

Bill Brosky, your friends are dumb as shit. Why would you take a shit in your own sink or on a lamp in your own room? You want to shit in someone else's sink so they have to deal with it. While I'm sure you got a kick out of your bro waking up to find his own shit on his lamp, he pretty much missed the fucking point of the exercise. Dumbass.

Anonymous said...

dude one time me and my bros were kicking it at some abandoned house out in the woods. it was like a three story house still under construction, but none of the workers were there so of course it was chill. I went up to the third story and took a shit right out of the window. it splattered on the ground and reeked so fucking bad we dipped on out of there real fast.

- Chibrotle

Fratrick Broneill said...

Best Bro move of all time :

Blumpkin - The delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump.

Instant bro-cred.

Ron Mexibro said...

The only thing more effective to do than flipping the table after losing a pong game is to pull your pants down and shit the floor. This will let whatever cheaters managed to beat you with their carnival-cup shenanigans that you - like Michael Jordan - will not stand for losing. Upper-deckers are the dude equivalent of brahs spreading rumors about their chick-rivals getting trained; its just passive-aggressive bullshit. If you're a man, you will stare directly into your enemy's eyes as you drop a monster duke on his floor. You may or may not take pictures of you defiling his little sister, post them on facebook and tag him in them... thats going to be a judgment call.

Anonymous said...

One of my bros once took a dump in an ice machine at a hotel. One of the most epic dumps I've ever witnessed. The hotel had drain the whole thing, and told us they were going to press charges. But since we're bros were above the law and didn't even get kicked out.

Racial BROfiler said...

Great post NYB, one that truly will remind all of my bro's out there of me. Freshman year, I came back to the dorm drunk as shit at around 8 on a Saturday. I had grown tired of shitting in the bathrooms, and decided to treat all the bro-haters to something special. Wall sat on the wall and let them a nice big steamy surprise. After cleaning up in the bathroom, I came out to find a group of people gathered around it in utter amazement. I held my laughter till I got to the stairwell. Fuckers got what they deserved for not being trashed by so late on a Saturday night.

Another great story involved one of my bro's from high school. One night we were high as shit at McDonald's when my bro decided to take a shit in the parking lot. We then proceeded to take it the nearby grocery store, stuck a dollar in it, and waited for the poor people to be attracted by he smell...Honestly, the dumb bitch was so happy to find a dollar that she just put it straight in her pocket. It wasn't till she made it to her car that she found out what was all over her fingers.

wilford bromley said...

I once was at a random party after finding some stray slam pieces on the walk home, anyway, some bro haters are talking shit that we need to leave since they don't know us blah blah blah, so I just tell them I need to get something out of the fridge, and fill my pokets with a few extra brews and a fucking carton of eggs. My first thought was "lets fucking egg these bro-racist bitches," but then in a stroke of sure bro genious, i decided to create something entirely different: 'the top shelf omelete.' This is when I proceeded to take shit in the top shelf, I then cracked 12 fucking eggs into their porcilen recepticle

Anonymous said...

Back in high school my buddy shit in a napkin in a popeyes bathroom and wrote his name on the wall in his own poo, but spelled his name wrong at first and instead of leaving it how it was he just moved to a new spot on the wall a redid the whole thing.
Then my freshman year in college i was walking home drunk as shit and took a shit on some random dickheads front porch. then the following summer one of my bro's one upped me by shitting on some random persons front porch back at home. that'll teach brohaters for living in our neigborhood

BroDown Arizona said...

Epic post... But to the ASU bro on here, taking a dump while banging a girl is really fucking weird and in my opinion, just plain wrong. I guess things just may be a little more civilized down at the University of Arizona. Now a blumpkin on the other hand is fucking sweet.

broseiden said...

my DOFF is a king of dumping in places that aren't the toilet. for my birthday our freshman year he took a dump in the shower of our rival dorm floor. those bastards couldn't shower for 3 days because the maintenance crew was out and it was a certified biohazard. months later he laid a stanky revenge dump in the house of a 40 year old guy for some minor incident this guy had commited when my bro was just a young bro in training. bros are the shit, literally

gally pennsylbrovania said...

Being bro is the shit. pun intended.

KimBro Slice said...

this shit about shitting is good shit man fucking bros are the shit

Chan Bro Park said...

http://www.break.com/usercontent/2007/12/kid-shits-off-balcony-419016.html

i know these bros. it happened over spring break. i'm not going to say they are bro kings, but they might be pretty close.

Anonymous said...

me and my buddies were up in wisconson for new years last year after about 5 days of non stop drinking, massive beer shits were settin in... so while drunk i got the bright idea that it would be funny to dump in the middle of the street, one of my buddies covered it up with a broken air mattress, which i swiftly threw back on the front lawn.. i was told about a week later that the woman we rented the house from was pissed about a shit covered air matress on the front lawn fuckin brohater

Nabroleon said...

best place to shit: bro-haters bed

BROors Light said...

In highschool my BRO and his buddies would park in his heavily tinted car in sight of a pay phone. Spread their shit on the earpiece, then call the payphone from their cell phones when people walked by. The bro hater would pick up and they would yell "you've been shit poo phoned" and watch while the poor fuckers tried to dig the shit out of their ears.

Anonymous said...

Back is high school I was partying at some tool bags house and had the brilliant idea to take a shit on a big plate I found in the cabinet. I covered it with aluminum foil and put it in the fridge.

Anonymous said...

This post couldn't have come at a better time. Recently, a stormy thursday night with very slim slampiece potential turned into one of the best broventures of the semester. My bros and I decided to go swimming in our library's fountain which later led to a freshman dorm raid nearby. After convincing some freshman slut to let us into her building and waking all the bro-haters that were still sober and sleeping we made it out of the building and onto the turf field. It was here my bro C-Nice proceeded to leave his mark on the freshman's beloved turf field. Meanwhile myself and my other bro couldn't stop laughing and talking about how dumb that one slampiece was to let us in her dorm. Fucking freshman. This one also reminded me of my high school days when I had first heard of upper-decking. I was so fucking eager to try it out I ended up doing it for the first time in a fucking Food Lion grocery store. Weak I know, but funny as shit none the less. I couldn't even continue to get food afterwards and had to just ditch my cart and walk out I was laughing so hard.

Bro Flacco said...

I once knew a bro who shared this story with me....
It was a warm summer evening in beautiful Baltimore, USA. After a hard night of drinking Rumple Mintze and Frating out in Canton this bro was the only frat-dog who was unsuccessfull in slaying P. The bro decided it was time to make the voyage back to Federal Hill. With no cash, the ole' cab it and run play was in order. After another successfull free cab ride this bro felt a sudden dump brewing in his body. Near the Ace Hardware he decided a loading dock dump would really disrupt business and make for a good story. 3 Logs into his hardware squat he hears the voice of an angry middle eastern gentlman interupting him. With no time to wipe he sprints off dodging through allys trying to loose the cab driver and find his way home. After losing the cab driver he sees his new hot neighbor walking home alone. Spits his last ditch effort game and is is a shoe in to enter her or atleast have a next-door slumber party, untill she sees his shitty pants and shoes and to the day has not looked him in the eye... True Story

bigmoney said...

my bro took a shit in some bro-haters air conditioning unit....about a week later hazmat showed up and the whole house had to be de contaminated due to shit particles everywhere. hahaha

Bro til i die

brokim broah said...

my bro came out of his blackout in bed with some slampiece, only to find a nice dookie sittin in his boxers...however, this bro remained calm, removed the dookie from his boxers and placed it in the bras pannies. he waited a couple minutes to make sure she didn't wake and then woke her up saying "fuck girl you just shit your pants!!!" needless to say she left immediately...fuckin bras

Broe Diffie said...

One of my favorite games is "Hide the Poo." Every roommate takes a shit in some place that isn't a toilet, and whoever's poo is found last gets a free ride at the bar.

Best hiding spot yet: the bottom of a Country Crock canister. Real bro cred after that one.

Tommy BROokens said...

Me and my bro were at my parents kick ass summer cabin being total bro's getting shitfaced. We invited two sluts over to our fire when my bro had a fucking revalation. He went inside and took a huge meatloaf shit on a paper plate. He stuffed it in the fire after positioning the two slampieces directly in the trail of smoke. It was great to smash vodka with my bro watching those hogs getting there insides and clothes coated with smoked log. Bro's are the shit, fuck Short Bill Bro Haters-

Anonymous said...

the other week after pounding brewskis and shots all night i was smashed, so i went into the bathroom. 30 minutes later i was woken up, and when i looked down i realized that i passed out midshit. the slam pieces were all grossed out but the bros loved it

Andre BRO'gassi said...

Me, the TBB, and two of my BROmates went on a little road trip to a rival state school on our trip back home. We were scouring the campus for potential slampieces, and actually made it into the Sorority housing apartments. When the time came to BRO out with the slampieces, the fat bitch came in and started getting all snooty, a serious brocist. So like any other Bro would do, we all went to the bathroom, one by one revealing to each other how we totally pissed all up in her trashcan. We then left, leaving a BROpage in the hallway, being screamed it by the BROcists on the way out! Any type of defacing BROcist property is fine by me. That is the way of the BRO!

H BRO said...

Being a bro is the shit. Last weekend me and my bros went to some gay party. We stole a bunch of shit and my bro pulled an upper decker. Classic bro moves. BROS FUCKING RULE I FUCKING LOVE BEING A BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bro*Cal said...

In highschool me and my bros would go out and slay public restrooms by skydumping, purposefully missing the bowl. An art form in its own right, the 'Sky Dump' is performed cheifly in public restrooms by climbing to the top of the toilet stall and using your legs and hands on the top of the stall walls to precariously balance yourself above the stall, directly over the toilet, then by a carefully aimed rectum and a few good heaves, a large turd is dropped, and plummets about 2 meters down and into the toilet bowl, subsequentially making a huge splash in all directions wetting the toilet, floor, walls, and toilet paper dipensers. If your turd misses the bowl (or hits on the seat), this constitutes a failed attempt at the "Sky Dump" despite the hilarity of the event whatsoever. Our best was successfully covering 4 stalls in shit in a rite aid.

ASU Sun Bro said...

This post inspired me last night to have an amazing bro night:

Went to the bar, blah blah, found a slam piece, blah blah, next thing you know we are hooking up. I purposely shit my pants and rubbed it all around, so when she reached down my pants, she got a handful of shit!

I told my bros so they were waiting outside my door for her. As she came running out everyone chanted "shit fingers! shit fingers! shit fingers!"

So f'n funny. Being a bro rules and so does ASU!

Anonymous said...

Another Classic: The Front Loader.
Heres how to do it: first take some TP and dry the percelain above the water line in the front of the toilet. Next, drop trow and sit on the toilet in reverse (so you are facing the tank). Then go to town.

The shit will stick to the percelain and wont fall down even after the toilet is flushed.


ANother classic was when a bro took a leak in a vending machine where the soda is dispensed.

Anonymous said...

once when i was a young bro in highschool me and my bros hated this one kid who lived near us. in broad daylight i shit on his driveway and left the shitty toilet paper so he knew it was a person who hated him him

Bro Dimaggio said...

Bein a Bro is the shit, i went to this girls birthday party recently and I gave her the best gift i could think of, a major bro upper-decker. then me and my fellow bro's stole a bunch of shit and the girl defended us when some bro haters started accusing us of being the thiefs.

God i love being a bro.

Pauly-D said...

HAHA, I've been there bro, Last year our frat was at a banquet, and of course it sucked because other frats were there, so all the slampieces were distracted by them, no matter how loud, crude and obnoxious we were. So we decided to trash the place. I purposely ate fish for dinner because I know it gives me the shits. I grabbed two bros, I made a dash for the ladies room. They stood guard and i spray-painted that bathroom with my my hershey squirts. SATISFACTION! And just to make things even better, some fat cow in a sorority no one has ever heard of comes out and says "Haha, someone pulled a prank and put hershey syrup all over the bathroom" Wouldn't be suprised if she licked it up later!

Bro Clinton said...

Bro memories... back in bro puberty aka senior year of High school there was this monster called the bathroom bandit. Needless to say it was several bro varsity sport captains Marking our territory all over the school, just after a successful victory bang of the entire cheerleader junior class.

Randy Broture said...

Some of the more epic dumps my bros and I have taken:
1. My bro dropping a bomb on the 50 yardline of the high school football field.
2. One of my other bros dropping a deuce on home plate of the elementary school baseball field... off the top of the backstop.
3. Me taking a dump down the tunnel slide at the local childrens playground (wonder who was the first poor kid to use that slide in the morning)
4. My college wrestling teammate unloading on the Chinese food delivery guy's windshield after he gave us a dirty look for not tipping.

Long live bros.

BROck Landers said...

I shit my pants on Christmas morning when we got our first Nintendo. My mom freaked out, and my dad seemed proud. It... was... awesome.

Alex Brovechkin said...

Great post, brings back a lot of bro memories...one time in HS we were getting undressed after a hockey game and knew our rival team was gonna be using the locker room we were in after us. Our bro-king of a captain took a huge steaming dump right in the middle of the floor as we were leaving. Showed those bro-hating cakeeaters.

Anonymous said...

When we were in 9th grade still bros in trainging my bro took a shit in a boyscout gio-cash box. This is great because one boyscouts are complete bro-haters and two because it was summer so when those bro hating fucks went to open up the box the smell must have knocked them the fuck out

Anonymous said...

If me or one of my bros were to leave a shit, assuming no one caught us in the act, would the bro-haters have a way of determining who left the dump?

Anonymous said...

If you drink some food coloring your shit turns weird colors. Purple food coloring=Lime green shit. Lime green shit=The funniest thing to leave in a girls bathroom. They fucking talk about it for weeks. When are we gunna get a post about tearing shit up with our cars. Lawns, golf courses, gardens etc.

Bill BROmanowski said...

Great post. Halloween a couple of years back, a bro and I broke into some of the duplexes on campus. I had been pounding creatine all week so I had to take a massive shit. I crapped all over the floor of some kitchen, wiped my ass with the dish towel and bounced. Article in the campus paper the next week was titled, "A Fecal Matter". They put it in there to try to get someone to rat me out. But true bros prevailed, I'm fucking teflon. True story.

Humphrey Brogart said...

Ahh yes, this reminds me of this super hot bra that used to play a little game called poo dollar. To make a long story short, she would put a little bit of shit on a dollar and put it shit side down on the sidewalk or any where in plain site for people to unknowingly pick up. The first time i witnessed it, we put a poo dollar in the middle of the quad at college. We waited up in the dorm room, where we could see our prank unfold. Two chumps spot the dollar from a distance and start running after it pushing and shoving, trying to beat the other to it. One of the guys grabs it and BOOM, hand full of shit. Im pretty sure that Washington was not worth having to wash that stench off his hand. Classic

Smokey The Bear said...

When I was a freshman my roommate was a brohating bitch, so one night I waited til he was passed out in his bed and squated over him, taking a shit on his chest. The next morning I woke up to him crying and asked what happened. He said that he had accidentally shit himself in his sleep, then puked when he woke up to it, and that his parents would be at our room in an hour. He never realized that there was no shit in his boxers.

BREWtopia said...

a couple years ago in high school we did this scavenger hunt thing and one of my bros (who currently resides in prison for something unrelated) upper deckered a display toilet in home depot. unbelievable, definitely one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen.

Anonymous said...

you should do a post about throwing shit at cars...also Broteges which are bro-proteges. in a sense, older bros take bros in training to be their brotege and succeed to get them as fucked up and as much pussy as possible from all the skanks who you've probably already tapped

Big "Bro" Jeezy said...

^your bro copied jackass. Two weeks ago I was fucked up with 6 of my bros at some bro-hater party where i think a fuckin hipster lived and being bros after people fuckin passed out we fuckin shit under their couch cushions and like #2 Stealing shit states we took their fucking beer cuz the pussies passed out and stole their Wii. I love being a bro!

Brohammed the Prophet said...

At my school, we jump into a lake right before we play our rivals in football. The week before, people shit in the lake for the hell of it. Excellent post NYB

I love the BROcaine said...

upper decker is a bro classic that allows some bro cred. check this out though, its called the "hot pocket." ur parying somewhere where ther are no slam pieces because it the middle of winter and all your bros went home. just b4 u leave bc of lack of sorostitutes/slam pieces, then you see it. a fold out couch. unfold it and duece all over it and fold it back up= hot pocket.
Bros are the shit

brobot said...

my bro was railing this girl and they were both super hammered. he shat himself while they were asleep, and, when he woke up did what any genius bro would do. he woke her up and told her to get the fuck out. didn't even let her take a shower. he made her pay for a new comforter. the best part is- it wasn't even his bed! bros are the fucking shit.

get with the brogram! said...

most epic shit ever.... so you slay your sorostitute slampiece at 4am and what do you leave as a thank you present for the rest the house? i giant duke on the kitchen counter for breakfast. hells yes.

Anonymous said...

This reminds me one of my bros took a massive shit in the middle of our high school bathroom floor.Some fuckin bro hater told on him n the kid got like 3 days suspension.Thats how bro hater my principal was.

Another time one of my bros and I were at some fair or some gay shit that we were dragged to and saw this massive dude go into the portapotty. All the sudden my fellow bro runs around charges the porta potty and knocks it down w that fat ass in it!Not only that but it landed on the door so the dude was liek stuck in there! Our bro hater parents didnt see us thank god BC i cudnt imagine the trouble we would be in.

Anonymous said...

one of my bros in college took a dump in a kid's suitcase. kid probably didn't find it for months.

Alpha Bro said...

Whenever I'm bored from not going to class, because that's for brohaters, i know i can rely on this to make proud to be a bro while laughing at all the shit bros do, i had to comment on this because while yes leaving a hot steamy pile of shit in a random place is always great, another great bro tradition is the group poop, grab enough guys to fill the stalls, everyone throws in a fat lip and let the good times roll, bros run shit

Anonymous said...

When I was a senior in high school, my bros and I wanted to get revenge on this annoying bra. After an hour-long discussion over the best prank we could think of, somebody mentioned Chipotle. That's when it hit us. We went to the store and bought tortillas, and one of my bros commenced to take a shit and form it into a burrito, then placed it in the bra's mailbox before we fled the scene.

Bro Patterno said...

So this one whore ditched me during my fraternity semiformal for some fucking deuchebag football player. Today was the last day of finals and almost everyone has vacated campus, including this girl. I literally just returned from taking a dump in a paper bag and putting it under her bed. Christmas break ends on January 9th. You do the math---her room is gonna smell lovely upon her return. Dumb fucking slut. Bros are the shit.

Bro-sylvania said...

Bramen NYB, Freshmen year i shat in our trashcan cause after puking into the toilet i found it to be clogged, the next morning when my brohating suitemates woke me up to get rid of it i put it in the other floors common room trash for all to smell. Perhaps my best operation dump was in a box which was wrapped and then given to my bro's girl for valentines day. Eat that slampiece!

Anonymous said...

I shit on a slampiece of mine (and my bros) back patio in college. It was a Sunday of which we participating in a typical Sunday morning session of here the dog. Anyways as we were anticipating the Redskins game and polishing off the keg from the prior night a fellow bro had suggest i dump on our neighbors (the slampeiece) lawn..compelled to adhere to the request i did such it was great. Somehow the slampiece found out it was me and tried to give me a tongue lashing but she was formally dismissed and the put in her place for having such a proper setting for a bro to deuce.

Anonymous said...

Junior year up in Ithaca NY, me and one of my bros were up slamming 50 cent beers on a typical Wednesday night when all of the sudden my bro had to shit he went to the bathroom and when he came back he said to me that he had to wipe his ass with his socks because there was no toilet paper and I checked it both of his argyle socks crumpled up in the corner of the bathroom covered in shit. Classic

3-1-br0 BROSKI said...

I tried shitting in a girls dog bowl in the kitchen in the middle of her afterparty. I couldn't believe that in the glory of the situation, i had nothing to give. No shit!!! So I did the next best thing...pissed in the dog bowl then broke bottles in her Driveway. This took place after the Mayweather v. De La Hoya fight; so we met these girls while starting fights at a neighborhood shithole! Being a Bro is the Greatest!!!

3-1-br0 BROSKI said...

Not exactly taking a shit...but I was the donator during "poop dollar" across from the Alpha Phi house when one of the girls mom who had been visiting walked over...and grabbed the dollar. It was great, until we screamed laughing, she turned to look, and she was holding her 6 month year old neice in her arms. I POOP DOLLARED A PHI'S MOM AND A 6 MONTH YEAR OLD KID...YOU DECIDE THE BRO STATUS!!!

zach said...

I took a dump in a random freshman's locker my senior year in high school. It turned out to be a freshmen bro in training that was know for always stealing shit. Def some bro on bro dumping went down that day

Brolden Tate said...

So last week, one of my bros put a dead goldfish in my bed as a prank. They had a fishtank and didn't know how to take care of their fuckin' fish so they died. I walked into my room, saw the fish and was immediately fuckin' livid. I sat there and thought long and hard how to get them back. Actually I don't think long OR hard...I knew what needed to be done. The next day when they were in class, I went into their room, dropped trou, and unloaded my bowels into their fishtank. It's only natural. If a fellow bro pranks you by putting a dead goldfish in your bed, he should know that the next day there will be a deuce the size of Arkansas in his fishtank. BTW the other fish in the tank died from eating my shit. Talk about epic bro victory.

JaBROme Iginla said...

I know someone who took a baking sheet to the bathroom, dumped on it, then brought it into the kitchen and put it in the oven and cranked that sucker up to 400. Then bailed out of that party like it was on fire.
The only thing actually on fire was the baking turd.

TurBRO DurBRO said...

Back in high school my bros and I were dicking around on a golf course late at night and we convinced one of my bros to shit in the cup on one of the holes. Fucking hilarious watching him squat over the hole and unload into the cup. Being a true bro-king, he then took the flag and mashed it into the cup so his shit could wave in the breeze. Next morning we watched from a distance as some bro-haters were playing on that hole. When they putted into the hole, they fucking bent over, took one glance at the shit that was staring back at them and peaced the fuck off that green. Epic.

I call it the "Poop" Hole.

Anonymous said...

I wouldnt consider this stuff that bros like, but stuff tools like. but hey, as your going to say, im just a bro-hater.

Bob Brobert said...

has nyb done a post on lying? just wondering

great place to shit- in your ex-girlfriends pizza casserole. serves that fat bitch right for digesting anything except sperm.

IHSV

medward said...

my bro's bro once got so trashed that he wandered into some slam-piece's car thinking it was his own, shit his pants, turned them inside out as to not have his dook touching him all night, and then passed out. the next morning there was shit all over the interior and the car was totaled, they even found shit in the cd player. and this bro-king didnt even have to pay for it because the slam piece assaulted him when she found it. a true bro maneuver.
IHSV

Craig S said...

That is a true Bro classic post! I remember one summer I was helping a buddy out doing home renovations at a local summer hot spot. The houses we were working on had no plumbing. My gut was screaming "I am coming out whether you like it or not!" So I ran around to the back of the house and left a giant, messy pancake of a dump. About 10 minutes later my buddy says "Lets go drink a beer" of course I say yes. We walk around to the back of the house where I just did the unmentionable. All of a sudden his dog ran over to this steamy pancake and ate that shit up. That's right, it didn't even leave the corn on the grass. Next thing I know, my buddy calls his dog over and lets that little fucker like his face clean. I was laughing so hard I didn't even have the guts to tell him what just happened. Still to this day he can't figure out why I call him shit breath. The guy now eats Tic Tacs because he thinks his breath stinks.

The Last of the Brohicans said...

last year when i was fucking shitfaced i took a dump in the middle of children's playground. in the middle of the day. with everyone watching. while wearing a fucking cowboy hat. BOOM.

Anonymous said...

me and my bros enjoy taking part in an old tradition known as "poop cupping." This bit of comic genius involves pooping into a cup, and then hiding it in an unsuspecting person/bra's room. Under the bed, in the closet, anywhere they will smell it but wont immediately find it. poop cupping is this shit.

Tiger BROods said...

At football camp last year our bro starting safety dumped right on a faggots pillow who no one liked we were just trying to send him the mesage to quit the team, by. His faggotass being a brohater told on our brohater coach who had our bro starting safety and suspended, and when we won the championship which was easy cuz bros win everything our brohater athletic director didn't let hi
get a ring fuck brohaters

G.I. BRO said...

One time me and my bro friends had a fridge crap out in our house so we called up some slampieces to move it out of our house and put it in the backyard. later that day after we were on our 14th or 15th round of shots and i had the great idea to go outside and take a shit on that piece of shit fridge. it was a nasty shit that produced tons of dingle berries so i had some slampieces give me a rim job. bros fucking love taking shits in old fridges.

Broseidon said...

Those courageous enough to take a dump in a urinal in elementary school separated the bros from the boys.

Rocky BalBroa said...

Always take shits on peoples back porchs when I get drunk especially in bloomsburg

Broman Polanski said...

Too far. Shitting in public places is funny but shitting on someone's personal property to send a message or just for fun is like a sign of mental illness or something.

Costakins. said...

Taking a shit in the sink in public placees is awesome, bro on NYB, bro on.

brosteak said...

Neds Younger Brother,

Nothing you said or anyone else said beats my list...

I had a bro...who was super smashed at a high school party and dropped 4 turds inside the hosts grand piano...

Another one....I was in Killington Vermont for a Bro snowboarding trip and we were staying in condos and they had a communal firewood shack with wheelbarrows....We shit in the shack on top of the firewood...all four of us...then we ate some burritos and came back for more and shat in the wheelbarrow used to carry it...

Then another time we were staying in a bed and breakfast were theres only one bathroom and we shit on the floor.

We broke into a hockey rink and took seven shits at center ice

Every weekend we shit on my bro's neighbors {who is a cunt) front lawn

Another bro shit in a vase at some slam pieces house

We shit in a pizza box and delivered it to someones house telling them it was Dominos free pizza day

beat those

BurghBro said...

This summer before school started we had no water/electricity in our house for the first few days. This obviously didn't affect us getting blackout on a nightly basis. One morning I had to resort to squatting down and taking the worst hangover shit I ever had into a to-go box that id been munching out of 5 hours earlier. bro cred?

Broswald said...

Coming back from an afternoon of getting hammered at the local bowling alley I realized i was harboring the hottest, high alert, oprah winfrey size shit. Unfortunetly I only had about 45 seconds to react cuz this thing was coming like a fat bitch to the feeding trough. Regardless, I made my bro swing by a younger bro, freshman dave's apartment....where I knew it would be way more sick if i just shit on his front step. Afterwards, I knocked on the door...and asked for toilet paper.

This is an epic post bro - I just wish I knew the answer to the oldest question in the bro world: Have I earned more points shitting, stealing or slaying?

BroForce said...

I had no idea the bro points I have accumulated. When an upperclassman at the Fraternity made us pick up dog shit, I went and shit on the hood of his truck!

The neighbors stole some of our trophies, so one party night I found my way into their chapter room and laid the ultimate steamer right in the presidents chair!

Brosideon said...

So an ex-Bro of mine pulled the ultimate bro-hater move and slayed his slam-candy, mistake on my bro's part, but thats beside the point So my bro took a shit on my ex-Bro's car windshield and sent him a picture. It was a shurn on both their parts, but shitting on a bro's stuff is the ultimate payback.

Moral of the story, fuck bitches, get bros.

Dabro Sweeny said...

I thought it would be a good prank to shit in a paper cup and set it outside of my bro's open window when he was passed out following an afternoon of slamming brews. Soon after he discovered the poo, he broke into my room and shat in my toaster oven. Not wanting to be topped, I later snuck into his room, removed his bathroom light fixture, shit in it, and put it back. He couldnt figure out why his room smelled so un-bro and no slam pieces would lay him. Classic.

Miami University (BROH) said...

There were two big high schools in my hometown, and this one kid I ended up meeting went to the other one than me. After realizing that he was mutual friends with some of my bros, I started hearing crazy stories about this kid. Eventually this gem emerged...
Someone bet him $20 that he wouldn't shit his pants. This bet occurred in class, and the kid was ready to win that fuckin money. He shit himself right there on the spot. However, all bros know that shit stinks, so of course the bitch ass teacher eventually smells this kid's shit and confronts him on the issue, eventually sending him to the office. The kid never got his $20, because of course the bro who lost outsmarted him, and the dumbfuck also got suspended for a week for gambling in school. Fuckin classic pants-shitting.

Anonymous said...

So some browannabe tryed to be a bro by taking a dumb in my bro's pad during a kegger, the only problem is he is dealing with real bro's. So we found out who the guy was then got our hands on a dead rat, took a shit on it, then placed that all on their BBQ and turned it on. It ran all night, wonder what their steaks taste like now.

Pablo Brocasso said...

Bros. I have the best Shitting in places that are not the toilet story ever.

The ex-president of my fraternity, the bro who's name is Skooch, had himself a night of drinking with his bros. So the bros go out to bar and get shit faced. Of course slampieces are no where to be found in a hipster ass shitty bar, however, the bar tender was a hot slampiece. After slammin back a shit ton of brews, Skooch is highly intoxicated. Skooch blacked out and stumbled home with the rest of his bros from a hard night of drinking. At this time of arrival, he proceeds to stumble to his room and shits all over his coffee table, then begins to take his shitty asshole and "skooch" down the hallway and down the stairs spreading his shit everywhere. Photo evidence has been acquired. I shit you not, that shit was everywhere.

Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

I know a bro who shit on this dude's grill for overcharging for beer cups. Dumped on the grill, turned it on and bailed. Found out later the shit had burnt hard and the bro hater had to throw out the grill.

Pritch7 said...

This is one of my all time bro moments in history.

I was fired for shitting in a guy's lunchbox.

Summer after graduating high school, I took a job at a log cabin lumber yard. I worked the peeler, pretty badass manly job shredding the bark from massive logs. We had a little tool shed that we use to write on the walls and talk shit about everyone who worked there.

Towards the end of the summer there was this bitch ass bro-hater ginger fuck, weak ass who started and couldn't even do the job.

So one day I wrote on the wall, "I fucked Dusty's gf in the ass then she sucked the shit off my dick"

Later that day, just before lunch, I was standing around bullshitting with the owners son. When out of the shed comes Dusty balls, furious and beat red, walks over to me and says "you've gone too far this time, I'm gonna knock your teeth out". So I look at the boss's son and asked if I should beat his ass, he gave me the green light. I proceeded to walk toward him and he just kept back peddling away, telling me he was gonna knock my teeth down my throat the entire time. I walked toward him for at least 50 yards and he obviously was terrified of my brute strength and ended up running to his car and leaving for lunch.

He never returned to work that day and at the end of our shift we were all sitting around drinking beer and smoking bowls at the shed when I suddenly realized that I needed to drop a load. I looked to my left and noticed Dusty's lunchbox sitting there, I said to everyone, "I'm gonna shit in this fag's lunchbox". Everyone was all gung ho about it. So I did my business, we all had some laughs and then we left for the night.

The next morning I woke up late because of an intense beer session the night before. The manager called me on my way to work and told me to stop in his office before I went out to the peeler.

I entered his office and sat down, he directly asked me if I spray painted Dusty's jacket, I denied the allegations even though they were true. Next he asked if I had shit in his lunchbox, I said yes thinking the manager would think it was funny. He did but told me he was going to have to let me go for the many rules I had broken with this one act.

Sitting there realizing this fucking bro-hater had just snitched me out I started tying my boots to get ready to stomp his ass. I walked out the office, went over to a guy who owed me money, got him to pay up and drove my truck over to the shed, grabbed me an $800 husqvarna chainsaw. Drove over to where Dusty was and attempted to run him down, he just kept running from me yelling you'll never catch me. By this time everyone who worked there had made there way out to witness the manager step in front of me and tell me to stop. I told him to get out of my way or he'd get stomped on too. I went to go around him and he tried to step in front of me again so I bitch smacked his little ass down to the ground.

As he was getting back up I decided I better leave before the police get called.

8 years later I'm still a legend around those parts.

Brosiphious Decimus Aurilious said...

So, No Shit, There I was At School after a Spring Football Practice, Because what else? Bro's Dominate Fucking sports, Its A Fact of Bro Life. Low and behold our rival school's busses arrive with the biggest group of fag, mama's boy, bro haters imaginable. Naturally, Bro's are fucking smart. Upon Their Arrival we realize that every single one of those little shitheads cars are parked in their school parking lot, only about 45 minutes from our bromain that is our locker room. So what does a group of the smartest fucking people on the planet(bro's)do in this situation you ask??? Get the entire football team including our 305 lb Center to take the most monsterous shit they have ever had the pleasure of deficating in to a 10 Gallon Trash Bag. Upon completion of said shitting, every bro on that entire football team piled into our trucks(because of course, that is the only vehicle a true bro drive's due to the amount of slam pieces and bro's that can fit in said truck's(C'mon, We're fucking smart)) And haul our bro asses 45 minutes to that fucking bro hater of a school and dump that entire bag of shit all over the baseball team's captain gay ass Nazi Ass fucking Faggot Jetta, Smearing an entire football teams worth of shit all of that bro hater of a car. Surprisingly supplying enough poo to cover an entire Jetta is diffucult so what did we as Bro's do?? Adapt and Overcome by hitting the key spots on said Fag ass Jetta( Windshield, Windshield Wipers, Door Handle, Radiator, AC Intake, Doors/windows). After we Stared and laughed like true bro's due given any opportunity we made our departure from said fuck face school and went back on our way to support the home Baseball team and cheer against those fornicating fuck pig bro haters. About a month later we heard from said fuck tard baseball team captain through a mutual bro(family friends bullshit, because of course a bro would never associate himself with such a dick bag by choice) who said that the smell of human shit still hadn't parted way with his faggot Jetta and he couldn't keep himself from gagging everytime he stepped foot in that atrocity of Nazi engineering. Complete Bro Success. Point 1 for Bro's.

Anonymous said...

senior year of high school me and my bros found an old toilet someone had left on the side of the road and threw it in the back of this bros pick up not knowing what to do with it. we decided to put it on some bitch who wasnt hot enough to be a slam pieces front porch and we all took turns taking pisses and shits in it while the family was home eating dinner in the room next to where we put it. fucking epic and they never even found out who did it

Bros for life

Anonymous said...

Dude, when I was at summer camp (don't get me wrong my camp is the shit) It was the last night of camp and I was leaving early that morning so I took a shit at the entrance of the stall. It was fucking awesome. I also like shitting in the woods, not because it's funny but because it's just fucking great.

Bro Lesnar said...

Taking one on someones windshield right in the spot where the window wipers dont hit. as well as throwing up on door handles. Both classics.

Anonymous said...

One of my prouder moments, myself and some bros showed up for a lacrosse game in the backwoods late as usual. After overhearing a bro-hater on the other team say he really had to dump but was nervous about the lone portable shitter I knew what i had to do. I immediately laid a steamer on the seat of the can in a perfect horseshoe. When he couldnt pinch any longer he went over to find my handiwork. His cry of frustration still brings me chuckles to this day. We won the game of course.

Anonymous said...

I was walking back from a party with my bros. I decided it'd be fucking hilarious to take a dump before I got home. Mainly for my own drunk amusement. It was a hilarious dump. Right where people walk their dogs in the day.

The idea of their faces the next day... Ahhh good times!

Anonymous said...

We've all been there before at some point in our lives. I had to dump badly at some party, and the bathroom was occupied, so I had no choice but to go outside on the rocks in a very isolated area of the apartments. Had to use rocks as paper. Then I just returned to the party like nothing happened! Beats going on your clothes. Good times!

GMC BROnoma said...

lmao that "wasn't a deer" line is fucking great. we were walking to the bar a couple weeks into the summer and some house was throwing out an old toilet. ya it was on a main street, but bros love attention. my bro Chemo dropped his pants dug into the recycling and grabbed a newspaper, and claimed his throne. best part is he wiped his ass with the newspaper and left the seat up.

Anonymous said...

My bro did the most amazing shit related thing ive ever heard
During a hockey tournament we went to grab some mcdonalds between games. My bro ran up to the mcdonalds, dropped his pants, pressed his ass against the fucking glass, and shat all over that shit while some old ass fuckers watched in amazement and tried to cover their crying childrens eyes.
Bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

where i am from back east there is a service called moo-moo express that delivers milk and other dairy products daily for a fee. they place a moo-moo express box on your porch and come early in the morning to deliver. on halloween one year i dropped a heater straight into the box and closed the lid. bet the delivery guy had an interesting morning!

Anonymous said...

One time I came home to my fraternity house blackout drunk after a long night of my bro's 21st. I passed out in my room as usual around 3am. Well apparently I woke up around 5am, walked out into the hallway and pissed on the floor. then walked into the pong room and shat on table, then passed out on top of the other table for 20 minutes, then went back to bed.

bromasterj said...

Bro's, this one time my we were moving out of this apartment and we had just finished clearing out the last of our shit. We lived with this total bro-hater and he pissed us off all the time. The only thing that was left was his microwave and a few other things. So before we left the place I put his microwave on the ground face up and took a shit right inside it, then i turned that fucker on for 99:99 and got the fuck outta there. Yo he was so fucking pissed off when he came back he called us like "YO WHAT THE FUCK YOU DO IN MY MICROWAVE THIS IS FUCKIN NASTY!!"

HAHAH sucka

Landmine said...

Freshmen year we used to all take shits in the volleyball courts at night and watch people step on those "landmines" all day

Anonymous said...

bros are hot they are the top of the food chain and anyone who says otherwise are jealous bros rule everything and your dominance is so sexy !

Pillsbury Broboy said...

You know those vents on the side of people's houses that connect to the exhaust on their dryer? Well if their dryer is in the basement, and they happen to be a bro hater, take a shit/piss in that vent and its gonna flow right into their dryer.

Pillsbury Broboy said...

Once I lived with a couple roommates and one turned out to be a total brohater. When we finally moved out, we gathered up our belongings and the only things left in the house was the bro haters stuff. Before walking out the door we placed his microwave on the floor with the door open and both of us took a shit inside it. We closed the door and plugged it in and turned it on for the max time (99:99) and walked out the door. He came home a couple hours later and was PISSED. haha

jackson said...

One drunken night with my bros, we drunk drove an hour to get to this slam pieces apartment full of tons more slam pieces. Once we get there, my bro and I were pounding brews one after another. Then it hit me, I had to take the fattest shit of my life. At this point, most of these pussies are passed the fuck out all over the place. This bitch was in the bathroom so I went to the patio. From the third story up from the ground, and cars all below, I hang my drunk ass off the balcony anf shit the fattest shit of all time dropping onto the car directly below. That shit splattered all over the very top of this bro-haters car. Serves him right for parking in my shitting zone.

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