Wednesday, August 25, 2010

#131 Drunk Sex

It’s Thursday night and you’re fucking hammered. After four hours of playing dizzy bat, you and your bros decided to hit up the bar. Thirteen $2 pitchers of Keystone Light later, you’re ready to fucking party. As you stagger back from the bathroom where you just #36 unleashed your stream all over the toilet paper and sanitary seat covers, you realize there’s only one thing that can make this night better: banging some fucking strange.

You start to survey the room, looking for prospects. To the left you see a table full of #78 fatties – you realize they’d be a fucking lock, but you’re a bro so you better believe you won’t be punting on second down. As you continue your lap around the bar you hear some girl scream out, “ASS-HOLE!” She's staring right at you. Fuck. It’s the girl you banged last weekend – “#28 Turtle Slut.” For some reason she’s pissed off because you made her climb out of your bedroom window so your roommates wouldn’t see her. You tried to explain to her that she wouldn’t have to do it if her long ass neck didn’t maker her look like a turtle, but it does, so who the fuck’s fault is that? Now she’s trying to cockblock you? What the fuck? Normally you would put this bitch in her place by saying some shit like, “Go back to Master Splinter in your fucking sewer!” but you’re on a mission so you just pretend you #12 don’t know who she is, which isn’t too hard since you’ve already forgotten her name.

Just as you think Turtle Bitch might have ruined your game for the night – you make eye contact with a blonde with a decent rack across the bar. Instantly, the “Kill Bill” theme song starts playing in your head. It's slayin' time. You compose yourself just enough to string together a few coherent sentences to convince her to follow you back to your #32 Bro Pad, but to be honest all you really needed to say was, “I’m a bro.” As you stumble home with this stranger, you smile to yourself because you know you are about to engage in one of a bro's all-time favorite pastimes: the BUI. Banging Under the Influence. Bros fucking love Drunk Sex.

Honestly, how the fuck does sober sex even work? That shit has to be the most awkward thing ever. Like do people talk about what they’re doing? “Do you think we’ve been making out long enough to move to sex or should we keep going?? Would you like me to play with your boobs some more? I can’t wait for this protected missionary sex!” Sounds fucking terrible. Drunk sex is fucking beautiful because all thinking goes out the window. It’s straight up animalistic passion, just like God intended. Bros get laid fucking 24/7 and alcohol is pretty much always involved. You’re more likely to find dry land in Pakistan than a bro who bangs a slam piece sober.

While bro haters plan romantic evenings where they lay a pathway of rose petals leading to their candle-lit bedroom and throw on the fucking “Sleepless in Seattle” soundtrack, bros are busy getting fucking wasted and going to Pound Town on sheets that have never even been fucking washed. Here are a few things that makes Drunk Sex fucking amazing.

Easy Transition – Ninety percent of the time, bros can’t even remember how they ended up at their final destination, but it usually consists of #29 grinding and making out on the dance floor with an invitation to “get out of here.” Have you ever seen someone sober try to grind? Shit doesn't work. It's a scientific fact that bros need at least 5 beers to remember the proper grinding techniques. Using alcohol to get laid is the bro-equivalent of Barry Bonds on HGH. We’re already Pound Town Hall of Famers, but with some help from booze, slam pieces don’t have a fucking chance.

Creativity – Bros are some of the most creative people in the fucking world, but sometimes they can’t express their creativity because it’s against the social norms that the bro-hater society has decided to randomly impose. For example, say you wanted to bang some slam piece on a fucking #52 see-saw in the backyard of a random house on your walk home from the bar? If you were sober you would be called a fucking deviant, but when you’re drunk you’re a fucking genius. And how the fuck do you think new sexual positions were invented? Do you really think they were created by those fat, loser, nudist swingers from HBO’s Real Sex? No, they were invented by bros who were wasted and fucking bored of the same old shit.

Excuses – As much as girls put them on a pedestal to worship them, bros are not perfect. Sorry bitches, but it's true. Every once in awhile we’ll make an unacceptable and ungodly mistake. That’s right, we’ll bang a busted chick. While this might seem absolutely unredeemable and grounds for exbrommunication, it’s how we act in the face of tragedy that determines how great of bros we truly are. After waking up next to a slam piece wilderbeast, a bro will immediately equate her ugliness to how #1 wasted he got last night. The uglier the girl, the more hammered he must have been. If shes like a ‘6,’ it’s “I must have been drunk last night,” all the way down to if she’s a '0,' at which point he will claim he might put himself in rehab because banging this disgusting chick is rock bottom. Now, of course, no self respecting bro #124 would ever need to go to rehab, but the point is by being drunk when you banged the fucking fatty, you are forgiven from your sins by your fellow bros.

Bros are like fucking Indians. We use all resources to their greatest capacity. Also, just like Indians, bros realize alcohol is the greatest resource God ever invented. Sure we could just have sober sex with slam pieces, but honestly, what the fuck’s the fun of that? So chug that pitcher and find that lucky lady. After all, there’s no BAC limit on the Pound Town Express. All Aboard!

35 comments:

The Bro-ly Trinity said...

fucking classic post NYB

Anonymous said...

this post is fucking MONEY!!!!

Napoleon Bronaparte said...

BUI haha! Instant classic. Slampieces love drunk sex too. nothing is better than getting hammered drunk and getting a sloppy beej from a drunk girl who thinks your dick is the fountain of youth.

Mad Max Beyond ThunderBROme said...

sober sex is basically for married people and pussies

plus drunk sex always leads to another staple of bro-ness; hungover sex

Brony Montana said...

I get domed up sober before I go work out but thats about the extent of my sober sex. Think about what sober person would munch box? You have to be under the influence of something to do shit like that.

Also whiskey dick is a made up medical problem invented by bro haters who are closet homos who try to pass as straight by banging chicks but because they like cockmeat sandwiches they can't keep it up.

Drunk sex is the shit, but its even better if you've smoked and done a couple of lines as well. As the old proverb says "If you've got the booze, coke, and hash you're ready to smash".

Anonymous said...

plus u can make excuses for doing shit usually frowned upon. for instance - the thumb in the butthole during doggy - a personal favorite of mine.

Anonymous said...

You're back NYB. Any fears of you slippin went out the window with the turtle-slut when you posted this gem.

Fratrick Kane said...

nothing better than waking up with some random slampiece in your bed, if she's hot that is. then kick her the fuck out of there, the pound town express will have another passenger later that night.

Anonymous said...

I haven't had sober sex since my sophmore year in college.... i graduated in 2007.... This post is the crux of my being, well done NYB

Bro Pelini said...

The best drunk sex story was right after I blew my load on her back....I puked on that bitch too. Fucking bitch started crying and kept yelling "what the fuck" too many times to remember. All I remember is telling her to shut the fuck up cause she was hurting my ears and then passing out. another great post, touche NYB

Anonymous said...

So many gems in here it's hard to keep track. "Also just like indians, bros realize alcohol is the greatest resource god ever created" lolawesome

Brothello said...

Freshman year, Autumn quarter I had so many BUIs I had to have a slampiece blow my tube to get my car started.

The best had to be 2 days into frat life. We were so fucked up, the slampiece said verbatum "no,no,no. I'm a virgin, put it in my ass." And so a legend is born. BOOM!

Brocious Macadocious said...

I didn't even know erections could be sustained without alcohol. It's practically my Viagra.

Scott BROsius said...

This is gold, I've been waiting to hear you discuss the wonders of drunk sex for a long time. We have an Indian in my frat too, that shit is right on.

Anonymous said...

NYB, no truer words were ever written regarding the 'easy transition'. Nothing better than not being able to remember anything between grinding and peter northing the shit out of some slam piece. Bros are the shit.

Brotus Buckeye said...

This article is long over due NYB... BUI will be my word of the year because all of my Bros and I do it... by far the best BUI's are after formals after you get done finger-slamming the shit out of your slam piece on the bus ride back she is ready to board the express right when you get back to campus... the best one I've ever had was a girl taking the whole load down the throat like a champ on the bus and then plowing the shit out of her in the bathroom of her sorostitute pad when we got back... ahh what it was like to be a freshman going to formal with a senior!

LONG LIVE BROS!!!

Injun Bro said...

Bro, Indian is not the preferred nomenclature. Native Americans please. Just fucking with you, P.C. is for bro haters.

the smoken token bro said...

turtle slut haha tht bar is the shit been there good shit nyb

Anonymous said...

If anybody has combined every bros 3 favorite things into the bro trifecta and had drunk sex while watching sports....hats off, you are a bro king.

BaltimoreBro said...

epic post. "Normally you would put this bitch in her place by saying some shit like, “Go back to Master Splinter in your fucking sewer!” Alost died laughing. good work nyb, a true gem.

Scott BROsius said...

i have been using this alias for over a year now so i am not copying the other scott. clearly he knows his bros so i'll give him some credit.

as for this post, this is an incredible work of broness. could be one of the best of all time. excellent post, NYB.

Brope John Paul II said...

Completely agree with everything said, but also throw in the next morning is a lot better when it was BUI. No bitching from the girl about cuddling (which a bro would never do, we'd just say we wanted a Beej or tell her to leave), just her awkwardly trying to figure out how to leave.

The final line is one of the best in a while. Good shit NYB.

Anonymous said...

Fucking GDI's and Bro-haters, always trying to put Bros down by calling us stupid and short sighted, but this quote clearly proves all those haters wrong.

"You’re more likely to find dry land in Pakistan than a bro who bangs a slam piece sober."

Current events used in a satirical and well place manner, brotastic.

Living with Balls said...

Love the Barry Bonds line! Brilliant!

Josh D said...

one of the greatest if not the greatest post yet. congratulations, you are a bro king

Anonymous said...

NYB this is brotastic, sober sex is for metrosexual losers and clingy bitches. I had sober sex once and the guy lost his boner, its been 3 years and i havent had it since. AMEN TO BUIs

Anonymous said...

"Punting on second down"

That is a fucking ingenious way to put it.

The ExBROsion said...

NYB: money post, money site.

its bro sites like these that make you just wanna bro tough. i went straight to the mini fridge for a beer to get feel that bro power while reading this

Anonymous said...

woah...ive been turned on to this site from a friend. i cant believe theres other people out there like this besides me and my bros. i thought we were just a group of assholes, who like to have fun n dont care what people think. im glad i know now that there is a name for it.

Bro King said...

I'm so fucked up and I just stole a v-card. What the fuck is going on? I just got in a fight at the bars defending my friend in a rabbit suit. WTF?! Bros for life. I love the life I livesdf.

Woodbro Chillson said...

A true bro post. Fucking genius.

The Man With Bro Name said...

Great post, NYB. Drunk sex is one of the pillars of bro-ity.


About a year ago I slayed this slampiece in a vacant bedroom at my bro's birthday party while I was completely blacked out after pre-gaming and 8-9 games of beirut. Woke up next to her on the floor around 10AM the next day, and she asked me if I was hungry. Of course I was hungry, so I told her I'd take care of breakfast (which of course meant the value menu at Mickey-D's because I'm a bro and I'm not spending more than $5 on food for a slampiece).

While I'm scarfing down my egg mcmuffin, she starts talking:

Her: "So did you have fun last night?

Me: "Yeah, it was a pretty decent party."

Her: "....do you remember everything?"

Me: "Not really. I was blacked out by like 9."

Her: "Do you remember us having sex?"

Me: "Nope."

Her: "........."

Me: "But if you want to do it again, that might help me remember."


We went back to the house and did. Bro life.

Bro-din, ruler of Bra-sgard said...

I tagged this slampiece upstairs in my room during one of our parties in college. I was wasted and thoroughly enjoying pounding the shit out of her to the beat of some Lil' John and Young Jeezy tunes that my bros were blasting from the living room downstairs. But then this bitch decided to be a bro-hater and asked "Can we put on some chill music? I have some John Mayer on my iPod!"

There was no fucking way I was going to derail the poundtown express with some faggy bullshit like John Mayer, but I'm a bro and bros are all about creative solutions.

So I said "sure thing", pulled out, and grabbed her iPod out of her purse (along with my headphones from my desk). Came back to bed, put my bro-pole back into her snatch to resume thrusting, and pulled up a John Mayer album from her playlist. She thought I was going to play it on my bedside radio, but instead I attached the headphones and put them in both her ears. "There you go, baby - enjoy your John Mayer" I said as I kept rocking out to some crunk music while resuming our trip to poundtown.


Being a bro fucking rules.

Bro's and Ho's said...

goddamn i just found out i banged two chicks last night AND I DONT REMEMBER ANY OF IT

Anonymous said...

Definitely my fave, me and my bros have been working on this puzzle since '94

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