Bros and hot chicks might have been separated at birth. You see, throughout our entire lives, we’ve lived in the same mindset: we’re the fucking best there is. Why do we think that? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because everyone and their mother is constantly trying to bang us, is that enough fucking proof for you? Anyways, somewhere along the way bros and hot girls shifted paths in their life journey. While bros are in this single shit for the long haul, hot girls get fucking locked down in their early 20’s. Often times, the minute they graduate College they commit to just one man for the rest of their life and wear a fucking wedding ring everywhere to ward off anyone that might be looking to bang them. Obviously, bros are a different fucking breed.
Deep down, you gotta believe that hot chicks, who’ve had their pick of the litter their entire fucking lives are thinking the exact same shit as bros. It’s gotta drive girls crazy that now that they’ve settled down, well before their sexual prime, that guys won’t even hit on them just because they’re wearing a wedding ring. Immediately they go from a life of guys showering them with gifts, expensive dinners, and vacations to over the hill, off limits, and with nothing to look forward to but playing “Win, Lose, or Draw” with all the other bored married couples on Games Night along with the same familiar pounding from a now disinterested husband. I mean seriously, can you imagine having sex with just one person for the rest of your life? I feel like that’s gotta be considered a form of punishment in some third world countries. So how do these hot Married Chicks spice up their life? That’s where bros come in. Bros realize what wedding rings really mean: fucking caged heat. Here’s the best shit about Married Chicks.
Rich – You know why hot chicks get married? It’s not because of that made up shit called “love.” It’s because the guy’s fucking rich, with definite exceptions like Anna Nicole where that shit was based solely on sexual chemistry. So, after they get bored banging that dude, they’re willing to do whatever it fucking takes to live every girl’s fantasy of banging a bro. From picking up your bar tab to buying you a new computer so you can send all your bros naked pictures of her, fucking married chicks will do whatever they can to please you as long as you keep giving them that strange.
Easily Spotted – Let’s be honest, the only reason girls ever go to bars is to get banged. No matter what they tell you, they don’t go there “just to dance.” They don’t go there to watch the big game. They definitely don’t go there to lose some fucking weight, which is what they should be doing. I don’t care what she tells you, the reason a girl enters a bar is because she thinks there’s potential that some guy in it will eventually be railing her from behind. So, if she’s already locked up, why would a married chick ever want to hang out with a bunch of guys getting wasted and chanting shit? It’s so she can bang them. Wearing a wedding ring in the bar might as well be the clanging bell and closing gates at a railroad crossing – it won’t be long before the Pound Town Express comes barreling through.
No Commitment – The last thing any bro wants is a fucking girlfriend. I mean why would anyone want a girlfriend in the first place? I always thought the only reason was because they can’t pull random ass. Anyways, the good news with Married Chicks is that they’re not looking for a fucking boyfriend. They’re in this shit for the same reason a bro is – getting some random ass. Bros don’t have to worry about carrying all their emotional baggage or buying them shit just to make sure they keep putting out, their dumbass husbands do all that! The only whining a bro will ever hear from a Married Chick isn’t so much of a whine, as it’s a fucking moan.
At this very moment, millions of girls out there are praying that some Prince Charming will be coming to sweep them off their feet and marry them. For all you hot girls out there, there’s a good chance he will show up. Maybe he’ll throw bouquets of flowers at you, and give you that diamond ring so you can show that shit off to all your girlfriends just like in the fucking movies. But do you know what they never show in the movies? What happens after the final climactic wedding scene where “happily ever after” turns into “boring rest of your life?” That’s when bros show up.