Thursday, April 28, 2011

#162 Married Chicks

Bros and hot chicks might have been separated at birth. You see, throughout our entire lives, we’ve lived in the same mindset: we’re the fucking best there is. Why do we think that? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because everyone and their mother is constantly trying to bang us, is that enough fucking proof for you? Anyways, somewhere along the way bros and hot girls shifted paths in their life journey. While bros are in this single shit for the long haul, hot girls get fucking locked down in their early 20’s. Often times, the minute they graduate College they commit to just one man for the rest of their life and wear a fucking wedding ring everywhere to ward off anyone that might be looking to bang them. Obviously, bros are a different fucking breed.

Deep down, you gotta believe that hot chicks, who’ve had their pick of the litter their entire fucking lives are thinking the exact same shit as bros. It’s gotta drive girls crazy that now that they’ve settled down, well before their sexual prime, that guys won’t even hit on them just because they’re wearing a wedding ring. Immediately they go from a life of guys showering them with gifts, expensive dinners, and vacations to over the hill, off limits, and with nothing to look forward to but playing “Win, Lose, or Draw” with all the other bored married couples on Games Night along with the same familiar pounding from a now disinterested husband. I mean seriously, can you imagine having sex with just one person for the rest of your life? I feel like that’s gotta be considered a form of punishment in some third world countries. So how do these hot Married Chicks spice up their life? That’s where bros come in. Bros realize what wedding rings really mean: fucking caged heat. Here’s the best shit about Married Chicks.

Rich – You know why hot chicks get married? It’s not because of that made up shit called “love.” It’s because the guy’s fucking rich, with definite exceptions like Anna Nicole where that shit was based solely on sexual chemistry. So, after they get bored banging that dude, they’re willing to do whatever it fucking takes to live every girl’s fantasy of banging a bro. From picking up your bar tab to buying you a new computer so you can send all your bros naked pictures of her, fucking married chicks will do whatever they can to please you as long as you keep giving them that strange.

Easily Spotted – Let’s be honest, the only reason girls ever go to bars is to get banged. No matter what they tell you, they don’t go there “just to dance.” They don’t go there to watch the big game. They definitely don’t go there to lose some fucking weight, which is what they should be doing. I don’t care what she tells you, the reason a girl enters a bar is because she thinks there’s potential that some guy in it will eventually be railing her from behind. So, if she’s already locked up, why would a married chick ever want to hang out with a bunch of guys getting wasted and chanting shit? It’s so she can bang them. Wearing a wedding ring in the bar might as well be the clanging bell and closing gates at a railroad crossing – it won’t be long before the Pound Town Express comes barreling through.

No Commitment – The last thing any bro wants is a fucking girlfriend. I mean why would anyone want a girlfriend in the first place? I always thought the only reason was because they can’t pull random ass. Anyways, the good news with Married Chicks is that they’re not looking for a fucking boyfriend. They’re in this shit for the same reason a bro is – getting some random ass. Bros don’t have to worry about carrying all their emotional baggage or buying them shit just to make sure they keep putting out, their dumbass husbands do all that! The only whining a bro will ever hear from a Married Chick isn’t so much of a whine, as it’s a fucking moan.

At this very moment, millions of girls out there are praying that some Prince Charming will be coming to sweep them off their feet and marry them. For all you hot girls out there, there’s a good chance he will show up. Maybe he’ll throw bouquets of flowers at you, and give you that diamond ring so you can show that shit off to all your girlfriends just like in the fucking movies. But do you know what they never show in the movies? What happens after the final climactic wedding scene where “happily ever after” turns into “boring rest of your life?” That’s when bros show up.


Brosus said...

Easily one of the best posts. I fucking love it. I just told my girlfriend to move out two days ago because she wanted to get married and I didn't. Fuck that. That boring marriage shit is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Oh and then 6 hrs after she was gone I had another slampiece over. We were up til 6am fucking. All I can say is, I hope birth control not involving condoms aka pulling out worked.

graceson said...

i fucking love this site. NYB, you are on top of your shit keep grindin

Bobby said...

Spot on NYB.

And banging married chicks has become even easier these days now that the terms "MILF" and "Cougar" have become standard vocabulary in our culture and are accepted roles for these bitches to play.

Married sluts now see banging younger Bros as the "fulfillment" of their "sensual womanhood" or whatever bullshit the latest self-help books are telling them these days to rationalize cheating on their husbands. Not that I give a flying fuck about any of that. I'm there to rawdog her six ways from Sunday with no commitments. Her marital status is none of my fucking concern. I'm still gonna slam the shit out of that ho, wedding ring or not.

She can tell herself whatever she wants to get over the "guilt" (what the fuck does that word even mean?) of having an affair. And if her husband finds out and gets pissed, I don't give a shit. It's his own fault for not being able to take his wife to Pound Town like I can.

Bro Life.

Anonymous said...

They're even better when they divorce their stupid, wealthy husband for a great settlement, and you just gotta ditch them when you spend all their money and before they become a clinger.

Anonymous said...

NYB I'm going to be honest with you I've fucked several married chicks and let me tell you they're fucking good at banging

Thomas Brolfes said...

There is a hilarious married chick that's a groupie of my fraternity. She lives near our house and has a pool. She is unbelievable in bed, as I have fortunately been able to find out firsthand. God I love married chicks!

Anonymous said...

No ring's ever plugged a hole

Anonymous said...

Then there are the attractive girls who are so sick and tired (!) of you fucking dime a dozen douchebags they're wearing their best jewelry on the left ring finger even though they're single... Terrible.

Clever author, though.

Anonymous said...

^^shut up slut

Boise State BROnco said...

this slam piece from my old high school had this hot mom, i mean the kind that whale tails just for attention. well i wanted to go bowling with the her daughter and her mom tagged and so after bowling i dropped the daughter off at her friends on the way home and filled this girls mom's gutter with my bowling pin literally all night. married women are nice. divorced moms are the shit.

Anonymous said...

I seriously couldn't understand wtf the guy above me was saying. Wearing your best Jewelry, then something about douchbags and single chicks? Fuck. Bitch needs to get slapped down

Reminds me of Osama. USA owned the fuck out of him and his religious sect. No doubt bro

The Man With Bro Name said...

Yeah I couldn't understand what the hell the slampiece above was trying to say. That post was fucking incoherent.

Newsflash, bitch: stop trying to write. You need every one of those few brain cells you have in your skull to be focused solely on sucking dick and making sandwiches. You are a slampiece, and therefore thinking, speaking, writing are completely unnecessary for you to fulfill your purpose in life, which is to be a cumdumpster/dishwasher/cook.

If you want to hang around this site so you can post pics of your titties every once in awhile, that's acceptable. Otherwise, get the fuck out of here.

Anonymous said...

The slam piece was making some bullshit up about how there are girls out there who are tired of "douchebags" who come a "dime a dozen" so they wear rings even though they are single. Wtf?

First off, learn to write a coherent statement. That was the most difficult two lines I have ever had to decipher in my life, and I read some intense shit in my University.

Secondly, that's hilarious. No girl wears a fake ring in hopes of getting rid of bros because "nice guys"--the same dudes who buy the slam piece drinks, help her emotional girly bullshit, and actually listen about her day--don't have the balls to come up to a bitch with a ring. Only bros do that shit. Wearing a ring is asking bros to fuck you.

I'm not a true bro, I'm a nerd trying to change my ways before it's too late, so I decided the best way would be to call out your fatass self for your bullshit.


Anonymous said...

Did you know there's a site out there written by girls? Copying this genius?? Attack them NYB. I'm not putting the link here because they don't deserve the traffic.

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