Every race has that Sport that defines them. Indians have Cricket, the Chinese have Ping Pong, and Mexicans have Lawn Mowing. So it comes as no surprise that Bros also have their trademark activity. Over the past few years, our Sport has received criticism, but there’s no reason a few bad apples have to ruin our fucking heritage. It’s time to honor the game that has produced some of history’s greatest Bro Kings. It’s time to celebrate our pastime. It’s time to honor Lacrosse.
Now, the common misconception amongst the brommunity is that the only “true bros” are Lacrosse players. While being a bro involves so much more than just growing up with a long stick in your hand, it doesn’t fucking hurt. According to facts, Lacrosse teams have the highest percentage of bros out of any Sport in the fucking World. Now I know some football players are out there claiming they fucking throw down harder than anyone, which I definitely believe, but that’s a big fucking team, and while I guarantee there are a handful of Bro Kings on every Football team, there’s no way you can tell me that your roster top to bottom matches up with any Lacrosse team in the country. So why are Lacrosse players such bros?
Lacrosse, much like being a bro, is an elitist activity. It’s fucking expensive to play, so it keeps all the fucking loser #38 poor people out. Lax bros all have their own pads, sticks, and helmets, unlike Football where it’s all just dirty fucking hand-me-down equipment like you’re living in some sort of Russian orphanage. Having the best Lax stick not only makes all your teammates jealous, but it also makes slam pieces wet as shit. “But what about other elitist Sports like Golf?” Yeah fucking right, for every #113 Tiger Woods out there, there’s like 10 Zach Johnsons who are fucking religious and shit and probably don’t even cheat on their wives.
Lax bros get laid all the fucking time. Girls fucking love chasing jerseys, so it’s no surprise they try to get railed by as many Lacrosse players as possible. First of all, they’re pretty much guaranteed to be bros, which is reason enough to bang them, but then, the fucking icing on the cake is that they’re athletes too! And it’s not like the other athletes such as Basketball, Football, or Hockey players who might have fucked up body characteristics like being 7 feet tall, 330 pounds, or Sidney Crosby. Lacrosse players are just your normal, run of the mill Bro Kings that love to get fucked up and slay some fucking strange.
The greatest injustice in the history of Sports (and perhaps in the history of time) is the recent decommissioning of many Lacrosse programs in D-1 athletics to make way for #143 Women’s “Sports.” Are you fucking kidding me? If this isn’t a clear case of Brocism, I don’t know what the fuck is. Is there any way we can bring this shit to the Supreme Court? It would no doubt go down as the most groundbreaking Bro-Rights case since Wade made that bitch Roe get an #24 abortion. And don’t tell me that Lacrosse doesn’t bring in any money. Lax players parents’ are fucking #135 loaded and do you know where they love giving their money? That’s right, their fucking kid’s schools. Who the fuck is ever gonna donate money just so some fat girl can miss a fucking layup?
While the rest of society sleeps soundly at night knowing their favorite Sport will never be taken away, Bros once again suffer from society’s iron fist of hatred. As allegations continue to pour in against us, our Sport and the bros tilting their helmets for us every day on the field of battle are coming under attack. We must come together to preserve our Sport of Bro Kings. Save Lacrosse. End Brocism.