Thursday, August 11, 2011

Mailbag: Bromance, Girls With Bro-Envy, Relationships

Time for another Bros Like This Site mailbag – Got a question burning worse than a bareback night with a Tri-Delt? Send it to along with your name/where you’re from as you’d want it to appear on this website. Without further ado…uhhhh LET’S GET READY TO TALK SHIT ABOUT GIRLS!!!

Can you clear up the air on this “Bromance” bullshit?

Let me take you back a couple years. As I flipped through the channels on a cold January night I came across perhaps the greatest atrocity towards brokind. You see, this was the height of all that “Hills/ Laguna Beach” bullshit and MTV decided they would fucking reward that club-going, no talent, ass clown Brody Jenner (or is he going by Brody Kardashian these days?) for banging some of their reality stars with his own fucking show. Even worse, they decided to take our name in vein and called it “Bromance.” Sure the show would have been amazing if they just had shot-gun contests or played “Who can bang the biggest hog?” but all they fucking did was talk about their feelings and shit. I even saw some guy start crying because he wasn’t fucking “close” with his Father.

It’s all the fucking bullshit Producers in Hollywood that created the Brocist slur “Bromance.” Let’s be honest, all these “Bromance” movies starring Paul Rudd are fucking killing our name. How many fucking movies can you make where a guy has problems with his girlfriend until he meets some CRAAAZY character who teaches him a new outlook on life, which in turn helps him get his girlfriend back!!! Ripped straight out of any true bro’s life!!! Seriously, why do they have to drag our names into this shit? Bros don’t sit around and talk about their feelings or get “man-crushes” – we fucking get wasted and break shit. It’s concepts like “Bromance” that make me think we’ve got a long way to go to overcome Brocism.

I’ve come across a few chicks that get it in their head that they can be Bro, too. Can you please put this ridiculous idea to rest?

Taylor S
Fort Collins, CO

I don’t know how much I have to stress it before people actually believe me: everyone wants to be a fucking bro, ESPECIALLY girls. Just look at other nameless websites who think they can just basically copy everything discussed here, insert some made up word referring to a girl in the place of “Bro” and claim they’re as good as us. Fuck that. What do bros like? Getting fucking wasted and banging slam pieces. Can girls do this? Fuck no. When bros get wasted, fucking magic happens. When girls get wasted, one of 3 things inevitably takes place:

1) They Get Fucking Annoying - They won’t fucking stop talking, and it’s not like when bros get hammered and all they say is funny shit. Outside of Sarah Silverman, girls don’t know how to be funny. Who else you got? Margaret Cho making jokes about the fact she’s a fucking fatass ugly Asian? Ellen doing HILARIOUS dances?? Lucille Ball shoving candy down her shirt like 100 years ago?? The Golden Girls talking about literally banging guys death??? What would happen if a guy tried to pass all that shit off as “funny?” Someone would probably punch him in the fucking neck, that’s what.

2) Eating Binge - Don’t get me wrong – bros fucking love to chow down on some late night food, but have you ever seen a group of girls with a pizza after 2 am? It’s like when they lowered that cow over the Raptor cage in “Jurassic Park.” Shit gets fucking demolished. This is due mostly because they spend the rest of their day starving themselves so they look good for bros, so you really can’t fault them. It’s just great to see girls claiming their bro-ness fight over the last piece of Cheese bread like they’re fucking Hungry Hungry Hippos battling for that last marble.

3) Beer Tears - There’s nothing I can’t stand more than girls crying for no other reason than they’re drunk. They don’t have any fucking clue why they’re crying – usually because they realize they don’t have any gum in their wallets or some shit, but they can’t fucking stop. There’s always that guy at the bar who tries to console the crying girl because he’s a “nice guy.” Newsflash ladies – this “nice guy” isn’t that nice – he’s just a loser with no fucking game trying to bang you. Any girl out there claiming she doesn’t “do drama” is a fucking liar. She’s a girl – she’s more into drama than that gay kid from 6th grade.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on girls who say “well I use bros as my slam pieces!” This doesn’t make you a “Bro” – it makes you a fucking whore.

When is it bro to have a girlfriend? When you got a 10? Exceptions?

-D. Walsh

I mean, let’s be honest, having a girlfriend puts a fucking damper on your life as a bro. Even if she’s smoking hot, it’s in every bro’s nature to see all their bros out there getting strange and get jealous. Is a bro in a relationship actually a bro? Now we’re getting into some fucking deep philosophical shit. I’d argue no. Sure he’s MIGHT be getting laid more than all his single bros, but at what cost? Having to tell his girlfriend where he is at all times? Having to get into fights over why you got drunk instead of watching “True Blood” together? Having to listen to how her bossed yelled at her for being a fucking idiot?? I just think one of the biggest parts of being a bro is the adventure. Every night that I go out, I don’t know what the fuck’s gonna happen. Sure there’s a much higher chance of not getting laid when you’re not in a relationship, but there’s also a much higher chance of making a story that will last a lifetime.

Do the best stories end with, “And then I went home and had sex with my girlfriend for the 150th time.” Fuck no. They end with you wasted at 4am, banging some girl in the handicapped stall at a fucking Taco Bell. This is why bros have slam pieces – they’re always there in case you strike out at the bar, but there’s none of that bullshit like “spending time together” or “monogamy” that girls are always wetting their panties over. And hold up you fucking femi-nazis claiming there’s nothing in it for the girls. They get the honor of banging a bro whenever he’s drunk enough and/or exhausted all other options. Talk about a win-win!

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Anonymous said...

Disregard betches; acquire Bro-King status.

Anonymous said...

Goddamnit NYB that last question hits home deep. having a girlfriend has many advantages if she's good to and for you, but so often i just wanna go out and get absolutely fucking shithoused with my boys and pickup sluts. actually i still do that... minus the picking up sluts part. my stories always end with "and then i went home and had sex with my girlfriend for the 150th time".

We refer to this bro-to-relationship transition as the "3 month rule". keep slampieces around for nights you need them aka 3am drunk as fuck pissing on a dumpster simple "hey" text gets you in. but after 3 months of hooking up with this same girl, its almost guaranteed feelings are gonna get involved so you need to either get rid of her altogether, or youre fucked. and i dont want to hear it neds younger brother i was the biggest know-it-all shit dont stink im better than everyone asshole who got laid by pointing and grunting cause im 6'4" athletic as shit and ruthlessly good looking... because this WILL happen to you if you're not cautious

Anonymous said...

if you have a girlfriend, you can temporarily remove your bro status in favor of something much worse (which you undoubtedly dont believe is worse at the time, weve all been through it)

You however cannot be a bro while you have a girlfriend, in my opinion. Your best bros can still see you as a bro, and you can be a bro when you dump her, but when you date her you relinquish your status as a bro.

If you wanna have the best of both worlds (be a bro and have a girlfriend at the same time) you gotta cheat on her consistently without getting caught...then you can have both

The Man With Bro Name said...

Just because you have a girlfriend doesn't mean you can't pound strange on the side. Best of BROth worlds.

Anonymous said...

NYB, I am a girl and I love your site. I think the things you say about girls are hilarious, mainly because they're all true. A lot of girls ARE really fucking dumb, are NOT funny, and CANNOT drink. However, there are a few of us who are smart, hilarious, and pride ourselves on our ability to finish a case in under an hour. We are not fat, ugly whores who can only get by off of our good "personalities". None of us are winners of the "most spirited" award in our sororities. We are not fucking feminists. And most importantly, we are not bros. We are just us. Yes, we hang out with bros. Bros are fucking awesome, and unlike most girls, can drink more than 4 beers without fucking dying. However, none of us have ever pretended or wanted to be a bro.

Once again NYB, awesome site. Just wanted to clear something up.

Anonymous said...

gf's are aight because they do whatever you want and fuck whenever you want it. However they suck because they always hassle your ass if you dont sleep with them on the weekends. gf's are good for the weekdays but terrible for the weekends. Chicks are just as selfish as us, be a bro about it, give her up and jack off instead, it will save you a lot of time and energy

by the way my word verification is breste. pretty fucking chill

Anonymous said...

I want to bang a chick in a handicapped stall at T-Bell...

BROnson aBROyo said...

That last question is spot-on correct. I did the unthinkable and dated a girl in college for far too long (>4 weeks) and when I was finally free with my bros I was happier than ever. So word of advice future bro's, don't waste your time dating a girl. Do the bro thing and "date" her

Anonymous said...

NYB, you really hit the nail on the head here. Back in college, my 'Bro in question' had a fucking clingy as fuck girlfriend to the point where if he didn't answer her calls she would be calling us.
The problem here is, he thought he still had all his bro-cred and doubted us when we said he had to drop the bitch to be fucking bro again.
If I could have seen this when I was back partying like a fucking champ. He probably would have trashed the bitch to pick up sluts at the bars like the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

What if...the girl (friend) is a straight up 10, helps your bros get laid whenever she parties with them, and occasionally takes you to lesbian clubs to pick up chicks to have threesomes with?

Anonymous said...

your thing on girlfriends litearally summed up my life perfectly. ive said those exact same words for 4 years in a row

Anonymous said...

Thank you for trashing that fucking terrible site that you perfectly deemed as a "nameless website who thinks they can just basically copy everything discussed here, insert some made up word referring to a girl in the place of “Bro” and claim they’re as good as us". It is an epidemic and is starting to get girls to think they are better than they actually are.

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