Sports are fucking amazing. They give us highs. They give us lows. They give us heroes like the Yellow Mamba. And they even give us fucking losers like Andray Blatche who we can basically just #97 shit upon. For years, we’ve gotten much of our #129 Sports knowledge from a magazine - Sports Illustrated. But, in today’s World of instant information, why does this magazine actually still exist? The reason arrived in our mailboxes just last week as Kate Upton’s rack that would make a fucking cow jealous sent every guy in America from 6 to midnight: the Mother Fucking Swimsuit Issue.
Why the fuck do we care about the Swimsuit issue? I mean, the World’s at a point where we can literally watch porn on our phones in the middle of class or work and get away with it, but when some magazine comes out with mostly clothed models we get all excited that we can see the fucking outline of a #5 nipple? Shit just doesn’t add up. So why do we give a shit? Let’s take a look.
The Original –Hugh Hefner and whoever the fuck created the Swimsuit issue were true Bro Pioneers. They understood that Bros fucking loved seeing hot naked or nearly naked chicks, and the fucking Bro-Hater that is society despised that shit. In the classic battle of good and evil, good clearly won. How do you think that initial pitch went?
“Uhh, you know, people like the beach, and you know swimming is kind of a Sport, so we should get bitches in bathing suits!”
(Heads nodding furiously in agreement)
“I’VE HEARD ENOUGH – APPROVED!!”
Just a great moment in Bro History.
Gradually Less Clothing – Much like every new TV is constantly equipped with some new upgrade to the point that eventually we’re gonna be inside the television like that little fucking spoiled brat in that child molester Willy Wonka’s factory, every year the SI Swimsuit issue takes it to the next level. I always fucking hate when girls claim shit like “no one would EVER wear a bathing suit like that.” Yeah fucking right, that’s basically just girl code for “I’m fat as shit and will probably die while feeding my cats.” Incredibly, we’re getting to a stage where the bathing suit itself isn’t even a part of the layout. Whoever created the idea of spray-painted bikinis deserves a fucking Nobel Prize in Boners. Can you even IMAGINE where the issue will be in 10 years? “Order your 2022 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue now and we’ll throw in a banging sesh with Kate Upton!” Yeah right, she’ll be like 29 at that point aka 72 in girl years. That’s just fucking gross.
Athletes in Bikinis – Now when I first heard of the idea to have #143 female athletes in their bikinis I pictured Lindsay Davenport stuffed into a bikini meant for an actually woman, you know someone less than like 115 pounds, so I did what anyone in their right mind would do: I threw up in my mouth. However, once again, SI’s vision was incredible – instead of celebrating the “best” women’s athletes, they promote the ones everyone really wants to see: the hottest. Admittedly onetime they did have some bullshit Steffi Graf spread, which I originally thought was some sort of sick Horse Racing fetish piece, but come on, everyone makes mistakes, just ask Lamar Odom. The point is we’re not forced to see fucking Brittney Griner’s Abominable Snowman torso draped in gold paint. They set a standard and believe it or not, it actually promotes female athletics. Seriously, don’t fucking tell me it’s “degrading” to female athletes to have the hottest ones posing in swimsuits. Personally, I’d rather be caught dead than watching a Female sporting event, but would I watch one where I’ve seen one of the hot participants naked? Still no fucking chance in hell, but definitely a little more likely!
Ever since the days we used to rip out the trading cards from SI for Kids at the public library and try to sell them for money, Sports Illustrated has been a big part of our lives. Sure we could just read about tenured reporters sucking off Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin online, and sure we could even see Brooklyn Decker spread eagle on the beach on our phones, but there’s just something special about that magazine. It’s the tradition. It’s the honor. It’s the Swimsuit Issue.
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