If you are like me you have been counting down this weekend since last September and incredibly we are now only one day away. Memorial Day weekend officially marks the beginning of the summer aka the season where it’s the Bros time to shine. Bros across the country are eagerly anticipating the start of the first Bros only vacation of the summer.
While former bros are spending the weekend with their girlfriend or fiancée, true bros are out getting fucked up beyond belief and hooking up with mad chicks. There are a few rules to a Bros only Vacation:
- No Bras allowed. If you have a girlfriend, you are permitted to text her, but if you are found on the phone with her for an extended period of time, fellow bros have the right to destroy said phone.
- You must be comfortable sleeping in an over-packed hotel room/vacation home. In recent years we have packed my parents’ three-bedroom beach house with up to 25 people. Unfortunately, this caused so called bros to sleep on the front lawn, which neighbors for some reason did not like. Therefore, we are no longer allowed back. Get with the program bros, if you can’t stand sleeping in a pile of spilled beer pong brew when you are blackout drunk, you might as well just end your bro-life and get engaged.
- You must be willing to drink non-stop all weekend long. Bros DO NOT “take it easy” during a Bros only vacation. Bro Vacations mean constant intoxication, no excuses. If you use the excuse, “I can’t drink because I really want to go for a run later” you are not a Bro. If you are puking in the morning, you should want to drink even more to get over your hangover/replenish the fluids. You know what? Scratch that - if you are puking in the morning, you should just go ahead and get a pregnancy test because one thing is certain - you are not a Bro.
- If you are going to the beach, you must plan on spending at LEAST twice as much time at the bar than at the beach. Also, bros don’t “lay out” when at the beach. They play tackle football, try to surf boogie boards, and make sculptures of penises in the sand. Additional bro-points are awarded if you can sneak brew onto the beach when drinking is banned or smashing kids’ crappy sand castles then telling the kids you will beat the shit out of their Dad.
So if you are heading out on a Bro-cation this weekend, enjoy. I’ll be heading up to Dewey Beach, DE with 5 of my bros. Look out for me at the Starboard, I’ll be wearing my bro-tastic Rebecca Lobo New York Liberty jersey with matching WNBA headband. God, I’m such a bro.