Friday, June 5, 2009

#28 Giving Girls Nicknames

It was a Friday night about six months ago. We were all in my bros’ basement pounding brews, playing beer pong and listening to some Pearl Jam, typical bro behavior. That’s when my bro’s girlfriend walked in with one of her friends. As she made her way around the circle of bros, I decided to size her up for a prospective pounding. Just as I do when I meet any young lady of the night, I began judging her from the bottom up. Legs were a definite check, as was the ass. Rack was very nice as well. That’s when I saw it. Her face. It looked as though her face had been hanging out with those refugee kids playing with landmines in Pakistan from “Charlie Wilson’s War,” no actually that’s too kind--imagine taking a buzz saw to Snuffulopugus’s trunk and leaving just a stump. Immediately, all bros met eyes and nodded knowing, “She needs a nickname.” Within 10 minutes we had narrowed it down to two names: Duckbilled Platypus and Snorkel. After much debate right in front of her we decided to go with Snorkel, possibly because its easier to say, I don’t know, but we went with it. After that no one bothered to learn her name, we just referred to her as Snorkel. You see, that’s the beauty of having nicknames for girls, they have no fucking idea you are talking about them, no matter how much you rip on them. Obviously, nicknames for girls are extremely useful and a staple for bros, let’s take a closer look at exactly how girls can get their nicknames.

The Hot Girl You Don’t Know – I can tell all the bras out there are fuming right now, especially all that know me personally, panicking trying to figure out what their nickname might be. Relax – not all girls get nicknames – if you are cool and are invited to hang out with bros regularly, chances are you don’t have a nickname. Also, nicknames aren’t always negative. Say you are in an Ethics class in college and this tall blond with a rack the size of the fucking Andes sittin in the first row. Well these days you could easily find out her name on facebook and stalk her that way, but back in the day we had to just go with “Ethics girl” or “Ethics slut” depending on what she would wear to class because we didn’t know her name. This also works at the workplace. Say there’s a hottie working on the 3rd Floor or in HR, you can just refer by her place of work like “HR girl” and everyone will know what you are talking about.

Sexual Nicknames – This is where things start to get degrading for the ladies. Bros are not gentlemen. Not only do they kiss and tell, they fuck and tell. Bros love telling other bros about the crazy shit that happens in the bedroom and they ultimately identify old slam pieces with moves they may have pulled off. Say a girl is not into “finishing the job” she might be known as “The Camel” in reference to their spitting ability. Or perhaps the lady tends to squirt – she might be known as the “Super Soaker.” Whatever it may be, the great thing about this is that bras would never guess that bros would tell their friends about their “abilities” and they would never ever guess they would come up with a nickname for them. Therefore, bros break these nicknames out all the time in their presence.

Nicknames Reflecting Physical Characteristics – Bros have perfect bodies. Everyone fucking knows that. It’s this fact that allows bros to judge all girls out there and if they aren’t a 10 in our book, you better fucking believe they are going to get a nickname. There is a wide spectrum of girls who earn nicknames from bros. For example, one of my bros used to hook up with a ridiculously hot girl, however unfortunately for her and very fortunate for us, she had a blond mustache. You couldn’t see it at all, but my bro could feel it during a makeout sesh. Obviously he told us about it and she was known as “The Walrus” going forward. I really can’t believe she didn’t catch on when everyone would get drunk and start yelling, “I am the Eggman!” and “Coo Coo Ka Chew” when she was around. I would argue the best nicknames come from physical characteristics the girl can’t control whatsoever. For example, in College there was this freak 6’2’’ “woman” who I swear had balls at one point in “her” life. Instead of letting her live her life peacefully we had to come up with a nickname: “Manbeast.” Everytime she would enter the Caf we would yell out – “Hide your women and children!! Manbeast is here!!” We also did impressions of things she definitely said in the privacy of her own home, such as “I am Manbeast!! I will club you and eat your bones!!!” This was mostly done with her sitting at the table next to us, which provided for the best comedic effect. I know what all you bras are saying- “You are such an asshole” well fuck you bitch, if she didn’t want to be made fun of, she shouldn’t have decided to be a fucking mammoth beast.

So, I’ve provided just a few of the many nicknames we’ve given to girls over the years – I would love to hear any solid demeaning names you bros have given to bras in the past.

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470 comments:

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Anonymous said...

we called this bra on our floor "Easy E" because she had double E tits (massssive!) which she enjoyed showing to all bros and would go on to hook up with said bros.
we told her we called her that because she liked rap music and therefore gratefully accepted the name, going on to get it printed on a shirt.

Anonymous said...

there was this one sorority that was all fat bras; they were the thundering herd. Their one legit dimepiece was called token.

Anonymous said...

Let me say, this post is spot-on and fucking hilarious.

Theres this broad that used to go to my school that me and by bros named "Yukko the Clown" because of her shitty makeup job. Also, some fuckin tank who could probly bench like 150 we nicknamed "Sasquatch." Best of all, some bro-king taped himself slamming some chick and everyone saw it...we named that hoe "Hollywood"

Anonymous said...

At my fraternity house we have all sorts of nicknames for these skank ass slam pieces such as turkey sub, squishy face, old milwaukee, trampoline, box face, sideburns, ghost face, el chupacrabra, rhino, monster AST, snaggletooth and the such. Ahh good times

Anonymous said...

As a girl, we love doing this to guys too :) Really appreciated this post...good memories.

Photoshop = the guy whose head looked like it was photoshopped onto the wrong body

Seabiscuit = Previously Horse, Neigh Neigh, and Mangina. Seabiscuit was the perfect combination because said guy was a huge mangina (who was scared to hit on me, then decided to step up only to get shot down 10 times) and looked like a horse (terrible horse face and gummy smile). Seabiscuit is a wimpy, little female horse.

There's also Dopey = guy my friend hooked up with who was balding. Like the bald one of the 7 little dwarves.

Brodega said...

^ Anon,


We know that slampieces give us Bros nicknames. We don't give a shit, for two reasons:

A) Bros permanently reside at the top of the social pyramid, and are therefore immune to insults from any bro-haters, bras, or others beneath us.

B) The names you come up with for us are usually fucking retarded, not clever, and not funny enough to catch on.


Case in point: I banged this one slampiece my junior year who got pissed at me because she thought we were dating (for some reason) and I fucked her best friend like a week later. I ran into her at a party, and she strolled up to me with this cocky look on her face and said (in a well-rehearsed manner, loud enough for everyone to hear) "Hey, if it isn't Man-Slut Jeff!"

This dumb ho thought that her lame nickname for me was going to embarrass me in front of a bunch of people, but I'm a Bro who doesn't give a fuck, so I just replied without hesitation: "We fucked a couple weeks ago, right? I think you were the chick who made barking noises when I hit it from the back. What's your name again?"

That's all it took to bring her pathetic revenge plan crashing back to reality. She ran out of the party crying in two seconds flat, and I high-fived my bros and shotgunned a brew. Bitch should know better than to try and get clever with a Bro.

Anonymous said...

In High School I banged this chciak and my friends and I called her Kansas because she had no tits and was as flat as Kansas

Anonymous said...

These have all been quite funny. Props for inventiveness. My bro's and i went through a stage of making indian names for people, that eventually were shortened. One girl was " girl who chews on rocks " or just chews on rocks, cause her teeth were jacked. And this ugly bitch earned the name curb stomp. i feel like that one doesnt need to be explained.

Anonymous said...

this one chick was always smiling and had a big fuckin mouth with straight white teeth. we used to call her "cheshire cat", like that big fuckin cat from alice in wonderland. sometimes we'd even call her "chesh" or "cheshy" for short. it was an uncanny resemblance

Anonymous said...

Butterface... Everything.. but her face... Call girls this who are really hot, except their face.

You Can Call Me Ten said...

Nicknames from a bra. I write 'em in my diary - obv.


1. "Arab Money" (think the Busta Rhymes song) - because when he'd go down on chicks he'd just move his tongue up and down really fast like he was speaking some Middle Eastern language. Ew.

2. "Pac 10" - a bro who had a huuuge dick (not 10 inches, ouch, but you get the point) so it was like he was packing ten

3. "The Sourpatch Kid" - makes the weirdest face like he just swallowed lemon juice when he cums

4. "Casey Jr." - aka the little engine that could...

5. "Cool Whip" - a bro who cums in large amounts

6. "Gilligan" - a bro who cant find a bra's tight vag with his dick and gets lost (if he reallyyy gets lost, feel free to refer to the chick's ass as Gilligan's Island)

7. "Thumbtanic" - a big guy (think football player) with a little dick

8. "Truffle Shuffle" - bro was so gross that you had to act disgusting (i.e. do the truffle shuffle) to get him to back off. epic fail, bro.

9. "The Wannabro" - bro never shut up about being a bro = turn off in bra town. Bummer city.

10. "Mt. St. Helens" - premature ejaculator

11. "Pooh Bear" - bro ate out my ass. wtf.

12. "Faggle Rock" - what bro loses his hard on after seeing these titties? not a real bro, that's for sure.

13. "Twilight" - bro wanted me to call him Edward during sex. no joke. maybe some bra's would be turned on by this - not chill bras that's for sure.

14. "The Machine" - the world's best set of hands. i totally came.

15. "Two Buck Chuck" - he whines during sex

16. "R. Kelly" - dated a hs chick while he was in college. ew bro, really?

Brosef Stalin said...

Some of my favorites:

1) "Minus-three": Bitch thought she was a nine, but she was really a six at best. Insisted on wearing belly shirts even though she was rocking some pudge around the waist. Gross. Had a nice set of titties though.

2) "Joey Chestnut" (after the world champion of competitive hot dog eating): She was a bit of a fatty but she swallowed dick like Coney Island franks. You know what they say about fat bitches - they give the best head because they're always hungry.

3) "Whore Island": She was from Hawaii. And she was a total whore.

4) "Scooby Snacks": The token fat chick from the sorostitute house next door. She had a low voice that made her sound like Scooby Doo. Whenever she was around and someone made a joke about something, we'd all shout "Good one, Shaggy" in the Scooby-Doo voice. She didn't catch on.

5) "Helen of Troy": Her name was actually Claire, but she fucked like five different dudes from the USC Trojans football team my sophomore year.

6) "Practice Squad": The ugly girl from my campus' Alpha Phi chapter. On at least three different occasions, her date to one of their sorority events ended up ditching her and hooking up with a hotter girl from the same house. She was the practice squad - you left with one of her hotter sorority sisters when it was actually game time.

7) "Number 2": She banged one of my bros in our house. The next morning, I walked into the bathroom while she was talking a huge shit. Two of my other housemates were walking past at the same time and also saw. We laughed our asses off.

8) "Jaws": Had to kick her out of bed because she kept using her teeth while giving head. Ouch. Talked to some other Bros and they said she did the same thing to them.

9) "Roast Beef Curtains" - That's what her loose-ass pussy looked like. Eww.

Anonymous said...

I know these two twin skanks amber and ashley who are always getting railed on so my bros and I all call them slamber ans smashley. And they take it like the sluts they are

Just another Bro said...

Low and behold myself and my best bro mang arrive in a foreign country. We meet some bras, after doing what we do (pregaming), we went out to meet these potential slam pieces. In our best form, the bras actually look delicious, the blonde one, nice legs, thumb up at 10 o'clock ass, monster mellons, and the face, well I looked back down. Night continues, my memory does not. I arise the next day, throw myself out of my room, BOOM, there is the blonde. My bro ended up slaying it, but when I re-analyzed this bra'd I saw her face...her eyes were on the sides of her face and I bursted out in laughter, I have never seen a better representation of a "street shark" in my life.

Anonymous said...

A solid one is "vending machine" for obvious reasons. Large and square.

Anonymous said...

Troll Thing
Reasons need not be stated

Anonymous said...

We had this biddy that gave me and all my boys blowjobs and handjobs and shit but had a tendancy to tug are dicks a little to much. We named her tugboat.

Anonymous said...

my ex girlfriend gained mad weight after we broke up. her name has since become the troll and also bakery, for her many rolls

Broby Dick said...

All Bros should call big bitches baby giraffes, avatars, or "The Dream" (akeem olajuwon)...call bitches with big noses 'Toucan Sam' or "Kosher"...fat slampigs: swamp-monster, Moby (likes) Dick, Harpoon, or Sandberg (Ryne Sandberg's nickname was 'Ryne-O' (Rhino)..oh and ugly euro lookin bitches--Dirk or professional shovelfighter

Anonymous said...

one time me and my bros were hanging out with some slam pieces in one of my bros pools. after getting them all to take their bathing suits off, one of them was floating on her back and we immediately noticed her massive unshaved bush. ever since then we've referred to her as bush, busch gardens, bush master, and my personal favorite, George W. Bush. the best is when we throw ragers in my friends basement and constantly offer her cans of busch light

Anonymous said...

My bros and I went to Greece over the summer with a group of kids, and there was this one firey red-head that we called "Lady of Popeii" like the volcano, because we imagined her box as a firey volcano spitting hot lava.

Anonymous said...

one time my bro turned to me in math class when the hot girl walked in. neither one of us knew her but we had both acknowledged that she was hot. well that day he turned to me and said I want to put my Dick In her Mouth. from then on she was known to us as DIM. she was the first one. since then there has been a girl we called shrimp. for Stick Hand Right In My Pants, and D1. for she has an identical twin (presumably D2) and she looks like she could play D1 linebacker.

bigyale87 said...

We had a girl at IU (Indiana University) that seemed to makeout with or dome up our drunkest bro all the time. She got the name Barnyard animal early freshman year. I never knew her real name and I dont think anyone did either.

Regardless, she was disgusting and always preyed on the drunkest bro.

david said...

Me and my bros referred to this short fat girl back in highschool gordita along with roly-poly and dumpling.

Anonymous said...

My bro and I named these two dykes in our dorm Bruce and Brucine, Bruce being the manlier of the two. Still don't know their names...

Anonymous said...

nicknamed some slut i know "slam" to save myself the effort of calling her slampiece. me and my bros call her it to her face and she even refers to herself as slam sometimes now. Also nicknamed some chick with big eyes "dobby" since she looks like that elf from the harry potter movies (which we only see since hermione is hot as fuck)

Anonymous said...

Called this girl Mary Jane Rottencrotch after it smelled so bad at a party ppl started spraying febreeze around her

Anonymous said...

i named this one bra i brought to pound town on occasion slutdog. cause she was a slut and a dog, but not because of looks. because she would be dtf 25/7/356 kinda like a mans best friend, ya dig.

nj

Anonymous said...

Best nickname we had was "head bitch", because she would walk across campus in the middle of the night to give head, and then my bro would make up an excuse why she had to leave...but she kept coming back every weekend though.

Brosiedon Lord of the Brocean said...

Yo theres this sick biddie named Katy who fuckin flaunts her ass all over the place when she walks past my locker in fucking highschool. She'll walk past and ill just yell "Oh Fuck Yea" really loud while staring at my god damn math homework. Its not like im actually doing it, calm down, I just gotta be doin something. She'll stop look around then keep walking or just keep going regardless. Then ill lean out and stare at her ass as she walks away. The name came from one time i was walking and i saw her and was like, "oh fuck yae dude" to my super smash('d) bro. now i say it all the time.

Anonymous said...

Guerilla Pimp....that is all

Coach Hines said...

this is more of a category than a nickname but any tall, amazonian chick, especially if she's an athlete: The Breeder.

Anonymous said...

huge bitch at my high school named remy so we nicknamed her rimmy then started a rumor about how she loved giving rim jobs.

one of the proudest times of my life

Anonymous said...

So im a bra... not a bro... but i have to say that these stories are hilarious... so 2 nicknames that my bros came up with in high school were for these 2 different chicks... The first was nicknamed "coffee can" cuz a virgin lost his virginity to this chick and he said it was like fucking a coffee can!!! The others nickname was "mac & cheese" because a bro was eating this chick out and was so disgusted by the rotten meat/mac and cheese taste he had in his mouth that he vomitted all over her!!! They both deserved the nicknames they got for not taking better care of their pussies like me!!!

j biz said...

Swamp donkey: possibly the ugliest girl of all time

Anonymous said...

You should have called her butterface. Everythings chill butherface.

DW said...

Me and my bros have this slut notorious for kicking bros in their fuck pieces. Obviously, bros love being mean to girls. But this bitch takes it personally. One night, we were all blacking out and getting weird. My one bro walks up to this slut, pokes her belly and says "all that jelly and no toast". She winds up for a kick that would end his paternal abilities (#24 birth control not involving comdoms). In true bro fashion, he blocked the kick. But from that day forward, she has been known as Dick Kicker, DK, or Donkey Kong.

Brodega said...

^Any bitch who tried to kick me or one of my Bros in the balls wouldn't be nicknamed "Dick Kicker". She'd be nicknamed "Black Eye".

Anonymous said...

we call my gfs roomate "bulldog" because she is short, big legs and has big cheeks

Anonymous said...

haha we call this bitch ducky cuz she makes the same face in every picture

Anonymous said...

first of all, im a girl, but this is hilarious so i'll contribute...

some bro friends of mine like to say "Ted Hayes" whenever a girl with a nice rack is around...if you slow it down you'll realize it sounds kind of like they're saying titties.

by the way, some of you "bros" are using some pretty lame nicknames, come onnn, you can do better.

Anonymous said...

In College my bro and I nicknamed this girl "El Arbusto" because we had both hooked up with her 2 weeks apart but she wouldnt let us go down because she told both of us "it was the wrong time of the month." WTF...two weeks? We found out it was because there was a mound of bush (Arbusto in spanish) down there...so we both got dome

Anonymous said...

At college there's this broad who was short and perfectly cylindrical, she wore a one piece to the beach and all my bros and I came up with Manatee which evolved to Hannatee since her name was Hannah. We even had a stuffed Manatee given to her for her birthday. And her best friend was nicknamed Predator because she looked like Chris Bosh. Everytime Manatee walked past us we'd start making walrus-like noises, stupid bra never realised.

Anonymous said...

one of the best ones we had was probably from my JR year in college. there was this freshman piece, and in the first couple of weeks she blew 3 of my bros. you guys have probably heard of "little orphan annie" we started calling this girl "Orthodontal Annie." I have no idea what her real name was.

Anonymous said...

All the girls I have dated in the past five years get a nickname lets see a few better ones I can remember
Gonzo-She looked great cept for a giant shnoz straight out the muppets
Bret Michaels-tattoed hottie that belonged on rock of love
Count Suckula-Loved to fill her mouth up
Mustbang cobra- Very sexy black haired broad that drove a mustang AND talked with a lisssp
Dirty little wetrack wetback-Mexican that liked it rough and Alway made sure you blew your load on her tits then rubbed it off and smacked her ass
Marleigh the harley- little ocd chick that loved to ride you on top and on one instance had two of my brochachos penises comin in on each side of her head while she twisted one like she was givin it some gas squeezin the other like she was hittin the clutch
Lippy the grippy hippy-Tiny chicka that worked at disney playin tinker bell weighed 8o lbs soakin wet whose snatch was so tigh it could make even the smallest dickchafed and bloody when you didnt have KY jelly
Jiffy Lube-girl who came so quick it was sloppy wet Before you could even touch it and cost $10.99 for the cheapest whiskey you could find. I could go on and on but Bret michaels just got here so maybe later.
This is RamBRO the last of the BROhicans givin out free BROtein shots for all signing off

Cassidy said...

Seriously classy fucking work bro's.

So back in the day me and the bro's had to give out what is possibly one of the longest nicknames out there: BO.BB.Hairy Tits McGee.

This bra had body odor, bad breath, and hairy tits!!! To her face and for short we just called her Bobb.

Keep up the excellent work bro's!

Anonymous said...

we found this girl once passed out in my bro's house after a rager still on the john. it was a shame cause she was pretty hot but for the rest of our time at school everyone knew her as the pooper

Anonymous said...

We called this one girl "porcupine", cause if all the dicks that came in her came out of her at the same time that's what she'd look like.

Anonymous said...

Back in highschool there was this a broad who had just so much potential for being a slam-piece. Sure she was DTF and not innocent in the least, but she had one major flaw: she was freakishly tall. I seriously mean like fucking 6'7", in fucking highschool, fuck. We all called her 'Big Bird", not only because she was taller than the basketball team, but because her favorite hoodie was yellow, and she wore it constantly.

Anonymous said...

Bros are supposed to be somewhat intelligent, yet you guys don't know the difference between areolas and nipples. For the clueless here to educate your NO-Bro-ness

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Areola

Anonymous said...

my bro was railing this bra on our dorm floor, turns out she was a fucking squirter. Every day after that when we saw her we used to chant "Squirtle" down the hall

Anonymous said...

Russian Bro I know dated this chick. She ended up being this insane bitch that had ruined his life for a good 8 months. Me and friend now just refer to her as Chernobil

Durex T-1026 said...

We have a couple of girls that come around are frat, not by choice but they get in somehow. There are two girls that stick out in my mind, first is hammer, which is the most run down dirt hoe bag you've ever laid your bro eyes on. She looks like a chain smoking 40 year old biker chick and I feel bad for the bro that sleeps with her. 2nd Favorite is garbage face, enough said bros.

Anonymous said...

i was working out one day with my bro, and we saw this chick who looked pretty good, so we were like ok this one has potential, later we saw her and she looked not so good, so she was dubbed half and half as well as two face.

Anonymous said...

me and my college bros came up with quite a few awesome nicknames for bitches and we still use them to this day.
1. Meatloaf
2. Grandma's meatloaf (meatloaf's hotter roommate)
3. Meat curtains ( fill in the blanks on that one)
4. Pork stain (pretty obvious)
5. Pizza girl (i pounded her while eating pizza off her chest)

Anonymous said...

Plunger Teats - long fuckin nipples, you could hang your keys on them

Hog Roast - self explanatory

Splattapuss - self explanatory, also nice to work in a Platypus reference

Anonymous said...

Farthammer

Anonymous said...

In high school me and my bros named this paper bag job with a sweet piece of ass Aladdin because she looked a bit Arabic. Whenever some bra would ask us 'What's Aladdin?' we'd just say that it's a movie by disney.

Anonymous said...

"Dr piranhoid" because this swamp donkey my bro and i work with looks like the villain from street sharks

Anonymous said...

this chick at school was no shit 6'8" but still fine...her nicknames varied between megatron, and thetatron...as she was a theta

kiki warnke said...

"Hallway" her vag was so big fucking her was like throwing a hotdog down a Hallway.

My ex girlfriend = The "X-box"

Anonymous said...

We call one of our friends wives "hatchet face" because we want to chop off ours when we see hers

Anonymous said...

We had a slampiece in college. Her name was Morgan and after railing five of the bros, she was awarded with the nickname MoCo Cinco.

Anonymous said...

Girl who had a small head and then started expanding down to the ass. Dubbed her Eggplant.

On Bro-sconsin said...

There was this pretty cool bra that would hang out at our frat house a lot but would always bring her skank ass roommate with her. One day we were cleaning up after a fucking raging 18 kegger the night before and these two bras are just hanging out like they always do. One of my bros was cleaning out the drain in the sink behind the bar and said "this is the second dirtiest hole in this room." Everyone starts laughing but the skank ass roommate had no idea he was referring to her nasty snatch. So from then on, we referred to her as "the hole" or just "hole" which eventually became Courtney (short for Courtney Love). We'd say it right in front of her and she never caught on. To this day I have no idea what her real name is, but I do remember that the cool bra's name is Jen (sometimes if you're cool enough, you actually get to keep your real name).

Anonymous said...

These are great BUT my browisdom has evolved into making up nicknames that are similar to Indian names. They don't make sense but that's the fucking point, cause they spend all there time trying to figure out what I mean when I call a slut "Rotting Pancake" or "Farting Duck". They laugh along then BAM I'm wiping my dick off on her curtains

Anonymous said...

SLAM FIST SWALLOWS - Self explanatory for a side piece named Sam who was....well slammed, fisted and she swallowed.

Anonymous said...

This one dick-koozie a couple of bros and I fucked had one of those really dark vaginas for a white girl so we came up with the name "Wombat" for her... Called her it for 4 years straight and she never figured it out.

Anonymous said...

We would call this one white Army girl in Iraq Shamie. She always looked at the floor as if
everyone knew she was a coal burner.

Anonymous said...

We called one Shovel Face for obvious reasons. She was a strange beast with an awkward shaped body

Another girl we called Swamp Donkey. Just a nasty, smelly swamp creature

Then there was Stanky Leg. This whore had a slight gimpy leg and limped around everywhere. And her face looked like someone pinched it on the sides. As ugly and nasty as she was, she had the most perfect rack though.. Those tits should be on a way better lookin girl

Double Bag was a general term for sexy-bodied bitches with ugly ass faces. When you fuck them you need two bags.. One for her and one for you in case hers fell off

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