Monday, June 29, 2009

#40 Getting Kicked Out

So there I am Saturday night, just minding my business at The Starboard in Dewey Beach. We had gone out to the bars at 3pm. It was now 12:30am. I hadn’t spoken for a good solid hour and a half, because quite frankly I think I had forgotten how. Sure I couldn’t talk, but because I’m a bro, I wasn’t going to give up on picking up a slam piece. I decided to be bold – just try to make out with any girl that walks by. For some reason, these particular slam pieces didn’t take too kindly to my moves. That’s when I decided it would be good to trap them. As they tried to run away from me I would lift my Rik Smits jersey up and cover them inside of my shirt. Shockingly, this did not work either. That’s when I got the tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see three bouncers ready to end my night. I got kicked out.

Bros never want to leave bars, unless of course it’s to hook with a slam piece. If bros are forced to leave a bar, you better fucking believe they want to get kicked out. Initially bros are pissed that they are getting kicked out. Often they will try to bargain with the bouncer, pleading with him to get back in. Some of the most effective pleas that we have mentioned in past entries include, “Do you know who my father is?” as well as threatening the bouncer’s job. Insulting the bouncer for working at a bar is always a winner too. As angry as a bro might get, he is equally proud the next morning when he is able to tell everyone that he got kicked out. Anytime you are too drunk and out of control to the point where you are not allowed to be somewhere is what being a bro is all about. Additionally, bro points can be earned by forcing multiple bouncers to escort you out, being banned from the establishment for life, and most importantly, the more ridiculous the place you are kicked out of the more bro points you earn.

Perhaps my favorite story of one of my bros getting kicked out comes from a Bruce Springsteen concert Junior Year at Shea Stadium. My bro bet himself that he couldn’t drink an entire 30 pack by himself. Let’s just say that everyone won that bet. About a half hour into the concert my bro decided that he wanted a souvenir from the concert – the stadium seats. So, all 250 pounds of him began jumping up and down on the seats as families watched nearby. After about 10 minutes of work he was successful! It was at this point where other concert goers started yelling at him to stop. He started yelling back at them, probably about things he would do to their grandmother’s corpse. This rubbed the mothers with children/bro haters the wrong way and they got the cops involved. I believe it was the exact moment where my bro was yelling obscenities at innocent bystanders while being escorted by 13 of New York’s finest that he officially earned the title of Bro King.

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

One time my bros and I were at a bar, boozing and recruiting potential slam pieces, when one of the bros was deemed too drunk by the bouncer. The bouncer tried to kick our bro buddy out, but received a right cross to the jaw, dropping the bouncer to the ground. The next bouncer came after our bro, only to get a swift kick to the balls, putting him on the ground as well. Our bro then grabbed a beer from a bra, pounded it, and then sprinted out of the bar.... Bro King

BENNY BOY said...

NYB-
The Rik Smits "jersey trap"? I haven't seen something that inventive since the last episode of Man vs Wild. Well done. I can't believe those bras didn't appreciate that brohavior. Now as for getting kicked out- the only thing better than getting kicked out is sneaking back in and then getting removed again. You see if bros do sneak back in it is inevitable that they are getting removed from the establishment for a second/last time for a few reasons:
1)Bros love wearing jerseys(#34). As NYB showed us anyone wearing a sick jersey will be branded on the bouncers brain and will be sure to be recognized the second he enters back into the bar.
2)Bros love getting fucked up (any post). Regular people (aka bro haters and bras) go to the bar to get drunk, Bros go to the bar to lose bodily functions and or the complete loss of everday motor skills. So once you sneak back into the bar, the bouncer is going to definitely be able to pick you out of a crowd considering you will be either on the ground or bronating behind the bar.
3) Bros love grinding (#29). If you get kicked out of a bar and somehow get back in you need to make up for lost grind time. This means grinding on every bra near you and usually more than one at a time. This will inevitably lead to you getting slapped and probably getting into a brawl with some bro-hater who is mad that you were grinding on his 'fiance' (c'mon bros hate committment and french words, so he must be a bro hater) and even more mad that she was liking it. This commotion will cause the bouncer to once again spot you and remove you for the second time. Bros are the shit.

Biff said...

one time bouncers actually walked out of the bar to pre-emptively eject one of my bros from the bar before he even got halfway from the car to the front door... it was 1230 on sunday afternoon.

Anonymous said...

One time I was 19 and being a young bro-hopeful, I snuck into a bar called "tequila beach" thru the front door behind the bouncer crews back avoiding there detection as well as the lame bra collecting the "Bro-tariff" (cover). So feeling very accomplished and invincible I pound 3 tall long islands and a shot of jack, plus 3 beers in the span of 45 minutes, as I make my way to grind on a slam victim in my vicinity, I feel a firm grip on my shoulder and am told I need to leave.

The bouncer being a bro-hater and minority, I immediately refer to my Bro-code cataloged in my head, and dismiss him. All of a sudden I feel 3 more hands grab my shirt and eject me from the bar. The reason why I was ejected was “being to drunk”. I argued with the bouncer that there is no way in hell that I (a bro) can or should be ejected from a place called “tequila beach” for being to drunk, I informed these serf’s that there reasoning and existence were both in fact “oxymoron’s” so I stormed off and ate a steak pita with my bro’s while making on potential slam pieces as they walked by. So let’s re-cap
• Was underage and snuck into a bar’s front door escaping immediate ejection and cover charge
• Got shit faced in a moderate amount of time
• Kicked out by 2 bouncers from “tequila beach” for being to drunk(awesome)
• Ate steak while macking on slam piece bitches…..

This leads me to another story, I’m at a local college bar, and was macking up on sluts and drinking with my bro’s, naturally. When this slam piece has the audacity to not give into my forward advances, so I pushed her across the dance floor because she obviously wanted to be abused, knowing full and well that she was asking for it by not going down on me upon command. 15 minutes later the bouncer grabs me and walks me to the door, and says “you’re done”
I asked “what for dude!”
He said “you have been pushing girls around! You’re out of here”
I said “dude I haven’t done shit like that, wtf is your problem!”
He said “a female (slut) told me a guy in a dark blue shirt pushed her
I said “dude im wearing a fuckin black shirt”
He says “oh shit dude, im so sorry, I am color blind, it looked like a dark blue shirt, let me buy you a beer!”

So I took the beer, and continued my reign over the bar, and terrorized the scene with my bro’s and closed that bar down!

Bro’s are the shit

Dorke said...

One time while out drinking our Bro-King “Uzz”, we called him that since that was all he could say when really messed up, he was thrown out of 2 Bars and Strip club in under an hour, including Drunk Driving time.
At he first place Uzz was working a Bra me and the other bro work with when he found greener pastors, a hotter slam piece with bigger boobs, so he drop the co-worker like a pregnant girl friend. She turned into a Bro hater really quick and had us all thrown out.
At the 2nd place we made him buy to replace the beverages we lost in the exodus. While he was acquiring (steeling) new beverages I took a lap to check out the band (slam pieces) and came back to find my fellow bro lost Uzz. We asked the Bra-tender if she had seen him. She “yelled any one with him is out” and 5 bounces through us out. Uzz had gone behind the bar to show her how to serve a beer correctly and make sure her fun bags were real and up to snuff.
We decided that all the armature bras were on the ragged or a full moon or something was making them all crazier than usual so we should only deal with professionals so to the Strip club we went. Again Uzz was sent to the bar. Next thing we know the manger and a herd of bounces and strippers come to the table. They give us the Beers Uzz order, but never paid for and than through us out beers and all. Uzz rocks! We don’t know what he did but the Strippers help CARRY us out.

mholz said...

Call me crazy, but i feel like true bros can string together consecutive coherent sentences. Come on Dorke.

Anonymous said...

Dorke...is your real name Wes? because you are a tremendous speller

Dorke said...

Thanks mholz, I usually have my dad’s secretary type these up for me, but since she was out today I rolled up my sleeves and put on my beer goggles and typoed away. Didn’t get the name Dorke for my looks. Thanks for keeping an eye out for a bro.

Anonymous said...

I got kicked out of Starboard yesterday for calling a Brazil fan a spic and asking him to mow my lawn. I don't understand why any freedom loving American would take offense to that...

Bro in Chicago said...

Always a fun way to get kicked out of the bar is #36, peeing places that aren't a toilet. Corners, trash cans, waitresses, bouncers, and bro haters are all acceptable pissing places and all worthy of bro points.

Anonymous said...

mholz, tru bros dont give a what about spelling, thats was an unbelievable story about a bro-king. you should show some more respect.

herbhater said...

ProBros:

Patting yourself on the back to the public, calling yourself Bro-King, and augmenting your stories to make them sound sweeter than they actually are are among the top anti-Bro things to do...

Oh and to 19 y/o annonymous: chugging LIT's is not the sign of a bro but of a chick trying to get drunk enough to act like she belongs with her hotter, cooler friends.

Don't be a herb.
Go Gators.

Anonymous said...

2 getting kicked out stories from one legendary weekend:
1. inauguration weekend in DC. Me and some bros went to the Jay-Z show at the warner theater. blunts were smoked, beers were drank, and we decided to meet up with a few friends who were finishing up dinner at the Daily Grill. The Daily grill is a fairly upscale restaurant in the totally upscale neighborhood of georgetown. needless to say, my bros and I walked him, screaming the song "my president is black," by young jeezy, and proceeding to flip over a table, take off my shirt and jacket, and chug strangers drinks (including many martinis - there were an inordinate number of people in tuxes at the restaurant that night). it took us about a minute to be told that the police were on their way, so we decided to bounce. The friend we came to see decided that he wanted to go to Smith Point - we disapproved, because Smith Point is highly homo - so we did pushups in the middle of Wisconsin Avenue until we all agreed to go someplace less terrible.

same weekend, next night, at a bar in chinatown. the song "don't stop believing" comes on, i remove my shirt and start chugging strangers beers. was summarily thrown out, went and ate late-night lo mein and dumplings by myself.

I am proof you can be a bro, a steak job and a liberal. you're welcome.

Anonymous said...

Usually when I get thrown out (which happens to be a decent amount) it is due to vandalism or public urination. One time, for instance, I got the heave-ho for throwing empty glasses out of the 2nd story window onto the busy street below. Some bro hating bouncer grabbed me and told me to leave because I was "going to cause a wreck." Who the fuck does he think he is, Brostradamus?

Another time a bro hating bar tender (BHBT) took 20 minutes to serve me. I ordered an extra shot in the round I was getting, told the BHBT it was for him, then threw it in his face. After avoiding getting kicked out I proceeded to whip it out and pee all over a pool table in the middle of a couple of bulldykes game. This is when I was dragged out by 2 bouncers. Sorry for partying

Anonymous said...

wow, im sure you "bros" stand around and circle jerk one another. fuck off dickheads.

E-Z E said...

Check this story:

My Bro-dad has season tickets to Notre Dame Footbal games and couldn't make a game. So being the bros that me and my boy are we decided to fly to Chicago and take a Party Bus from Chicago to South Bend. Needless to say that we busted out the funnel have way through the trip and got completely shit faced. We ended up stealing hats by accident as we were stumbling through the bookstore with brews in hand. We arrived to the game with flasks in hand and were promptly removed by Bro-Hater Security 6 minutes into the 1st Half (They cited the Alcohol Consumption and Rowdy Behavior---- I still claim we were acting too Awesome).

After being tossed from the game we tried to get back in because we had 4 tickets and had only used 2. However, in our drunken stupor we lost the other 2.

Needless to say we decided to drink more on the bus and partied all the way back to chicago before almost missing our flight back to NYC.

Money for Plane ticket + Hotel + Party Bus Ride = 6 Minutes of Football and 1 Bro Tale.

BROhemian Rhapsody said...

"Bro-tariff" !!!!! and serf's!!!

hysterical - also, i love BROstradamus...

adam said...

Calling a Brazilian a spic is classic. My roommate has a friend that's from Peru, and nothing pisses him off more then calling him a racial slur of an inferior race. Hence "you dirty fucking Mexican", or "stop bitching about the Indians and Redskins logo before we send you back to your reservation and rape your sister"

ATbro said...

My freshman year i was thrown out of 6 bars, a taxi, the campus bus, and qdoba.

The most recent time I was thrown out of a bar was last wednesday. It was 2:45 am and i was hammered drunk. I have a habit of pissing on the bar when the line to the bathroom is too long or I'm just too drunk or lazy to walk across the bar...so there i was, feeling the need to relieve myself. As I was surrounded by my bros as cover, I decided to drain the snake on the bar. Half way through I heard angry voices yelling "hey put your fuckin dick away!!" etc etc, I paused and thought to myself and realize that those voices could only be directed at one person, me. Turns out it wasn't a bar I was pissing on, it was a railing which overlooked the dance floor below and I had been pissing on bros and their slam pieces. I pinched off what i had left and ran to the other side of the bar to lay low when suddenly a bro-hater bouncer grabbed me and as he was pushing me toward the door I was being extremely resistant as I asked him why he was throwing me out. He told me it was because I was pissing on the dance floor and that he was going to tell the cop that was waiting outside. I was like fuck. Like a true bro, I wasn't ready to give up. I denied the accusations when a guy with piss all over his shirt came to view from behind the bouncer pointing at me saying "thats the guy!". There's not much more you can argue after that.

I'm about to start my sophomore year and reek havoc with my bros once again.

Broseidon, Lord of the Brocean said...

The other day I was at an outdoor concert, but I didn't feel like paying the cover, because, let's face it: everyone knows that 10 bucks of Keystone Light is a much better investment than a fucking concert ticket when you can listen to it for free. However, after I get through the aforementioned 10 bucks of Key, I'm shitfaced enough that I feel like climbing over a 15-foot fucking tall fence.

Needless to say, I get tackled by some cops, cuffed, and put in the back of a cop car. Halfway to the station, the cops get a call saying that they have to let me go. You know why? Because my father's a fucking high powered business exec, that's why. I convince the retard pigs that im a FIJI (even though I'm obviously wearing Kappa Sig letters), and they drop me off right next to my fraternity house. Those fucking bro-haters probably knew that my dad would just get a top-tier lawyer for next to nothing and no charges would stick.

Bros are fucking invincible.

Anonymous said...

I was just kicked out of a Rob Zombie concert. My entire intention of the evening was to drink moonshine and pick on the goths. I achieved this. Got on a porn star with two other bros then fought some degenerates. My bros and myself caused such a scene we were escorted out of a Rob Zombie concert. I didn't even know it was possible.

Anonymous said...

I got thrown out of a club in South America for having sex with a chick in the mens bathroom. The chick was only wearing underwear when we were escorted out.

Anonymous said...

Me and my best bro were at a New York Rangers game at madison square garden last year and the two slam pieces we brought happened to get too drunk and one of them started accidentally kicking the seat of the person in front of us and talking out loud about cocaine and sex (traditional topics for broads) among other things that would warrant the family man/bro hater with kids sitting in front of us to get pissed. When my fellow bro returned to his seat after grabbing another brew. The man went up to him and told him to quiet us down or he would kick his ass. Bros dont take this talk too kindly because bros lay down the law, he retorted with an intelligent, "I will fucking kill you". Next thing we know the fine securtiy detail at MSG is with us outside gate 64. We told those bro haters (who called the slam pieces bimbos) that A) there lingo is way outdated and B) that we should be allowed to go back and watch the game which we were too drunk to know what the score was C) It was all the family mans fault for taking offense to the broed out atmosphere that a ranger game is supposed to have. They failed to understand our logic and although I managed to run away as the slampieces did my fellow bro was trapped with a bunch of big 300 pound high school dropout brohating brooklyn guidos named joey and I would need to go back and leave the arena with him. I acted upset about having my information takin down and being taken out the "VIP" or "secret exit with no security cameras in it" but secretly I knew I would get mad bro cred for this later. Had the concession crew not been in the elevator with us we probably would have had some shiners the next day but instead we left the worlds most famous arena and met up with the slam pieces with a huge retarded smile on our face and thoughts of "that was fuckin fun."

Anonymous said...

last year i went to a 311 concert and about 12 beers into tailgating me and this one random bitch just started making out on this dudes car. an hour later i got kicked out of the concert for fingering her in the pit. luckily i knew one of the bouncers there and was able to continue doing as i please in the lawn seats

Anonymous said...

Yo dude I was at that concert, I was sitting three rows behind the guy when the Cops took him out... Your Bro is a ledgend with my buddies and I.

Visanthe ShiancBro said...

I was at a bar last year, total doosh bag bar, but my Bro's and I went in there just to show them that we were superior because we were bro's. Anyway, we were doing rounds of shots when it was my turn to buy, i signaled the Brah behind the bar we needed another round, she then came over and said "you are you friends are done" i simply told her, "i have currency we are most certainly not done." she walked away, i signaled to the other brah, she made a gesture at me saying we were cut off. I did not appreicate this, so I did what was necessary. I put a finger down my throat and puked all over the bar. Needless to say I left with the bouncer escorting me out, threatening police intervention, whatever, fuck him and his doosh bag bar.

Brohamski said...

Anytime one of my fellow bros get's kicked out of a bar for getting too bro-wise. I fuck up the bathroom. Hard. It makes them think twice about fucking with a bro.

Anonymous said...

the starboard, as well as all of dewey beach, is bro central

Bro-din, ruler of Bra-sgard said...

Me and two of my bros each separately got thrown out of the same bar in San Diego within 10 minutes of each other, for completely different reasons (fighting, stealing, and breaking shit, respectively). A true bro has been kicked out of at least one bar in every city he's ever visited.

^My brothers bro is possibly the bro-king of getting kicked out of places. He has outstanding bench warrants in the states of Washington, Indiana, or Arizona because of college-football-related blacked out adventures. He also once got kicked out of Las Vegas. Not an individual hotel in Las Vegas, the CITY of Las Vegas. In a span of four hours, he had pissed off so many casino managers that two Vegas cops tracked him down, arrested him, drove him to McCarran airport in the back of the squad car, and told him he had to get on a plane back to LA or go to jail. He agreed and bought a ticket back home but didn't get on the plane. Instead, he blacked out at the airport bar, caught a cab back to the strip, and lost $2000 at a blackjack table in the Venetian. Stole some food off a room service cart in one of the halls and passed out in the ice machine closet on the 15th floor. He didn't even have a room in the hotel.

Anonymous said...

one time me and my bros tailgated for a baseball game and we were most fucked. we all arent under 21 but we paid some guy 10 bucks to buy beer for us in the stadium and when the guy came back alcohol compliance aka bro haters asked me for my i.d. smh. we all got kicked out of the game and proceded to get more fucked up in the parking lot.

Anonymous said...

got kicked out of the Canadian national curling championship (called the Brier) for heckling, the on-ice official pointed me and my bro crew out of the crowd, we were in the upper bowl. guess the all the retired old fucks didnt take kindly to all the F bombs. We then proceeded to get into a fight with the ushers. once outside, we just walked around and right back inside, sat front row this time... Later, went to the bar, got kicked out there also.

Anonymous said...

spent this past saturday getting kicked out of a party that my own frat was throwing

Bro King said...

I fucking love getting kicked out. I intentionally do shit to get kicked out of bars (breaking glasses, talking shit to the bartender, chanting inappropriate things, etc) when last call is approaching for a number of reasons: 1) It gives you serious Bro-cred. 2) It's funny as shit. 3) Sometimes you can rack up a huge bar tab and the bouncers are so busy throwing you out they forget to make you pay. 3) Slampieces love bad boys and getting kicked out makes you look like a fuckin bad-ass, guaranteeing you pussy later. 4) Did I already mention it's funny as shit?


I got kicked out of my favorite college bar a bunch of times but always went back to drink because I'm a Bro and I don't give a fuck. But after graduation I hadn't gone there in like two years. One year homecoming arrives and me and some Bros roadtrip it back to campus for the football game and obviously we're gonna get fucked up the night before.

We roll deep to the bar and the bouncer says "You can't come in". I'm like "why the fuck not?" He goes "You're not allowed back here - I threw you out three years ago and banned you. Don't you remember?" I just smiled and said "Fuck no. I get kicked out of tons of places, and I was probably blacked out that night anyway. Plus, I'm too important to remember who you are. You, however just admitted that you've been working the same shitty bouncer job at a college bar for over three years. Your life is clearly going nowhere, you fucking peasant."

The slampieces all laughed their asses off at this loser who looked down, clearly humiliated. I whipped out my money clip in front of his face (full of hundreds, natch), and then we walked into the bar right next door and made it rain all night.

Bros are the shit.

Broseidon said...

So I am bro'ing out with my biiological bro at the Neil Young concert. I decide to make room for more binging to come because the night is young so I "pull trigger," throwing up on some bro-hater middle-class pussy's jacket. Turns out him and his brocist most-likely homosexual friend do not like this act at all and they come back with the police, who cuff my bro and send him to Cell Block 19 for the night. FUcking brocist better know not to put his coat on the back of his chair because me and my bros rule the fucking world and don't take no shit from lower-class people.

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