It’s Fourth of July. You wake up in plenty of time to watch #41 Joey Chestnut fucking dominate. Obviously you started drinking. The party starts at 6 which gives you roughly 8 hours of good #35 pregaming action. By the time the 5th hour rolls around one of your bros (the bitch one) passes out. Fuck him - you’re not a fucking bitch so you keep drinking. It’s fucking time for the party. The slam pieces start to roll in. You are a fucking mess but you are a drinking pro so you keep it together. This one slam piece is fucking into you. You are gonna get laid, there’s only one problem – she wants to go out to the bars. You realize, on your 11th hour of drinking that you are on the verge of passing out/having a night abortion. You also realize you will get ass if you go out. As the 11 hours of drinking start to take over your body, you drag your non-responsive limbs to the fridge much like 007 dragged his motionless body to his car trying to jumpstart his heart in “Casino Royale.” You knock over all the shit in the fridge and then you see it – its as though the Refrigerator lights are sent from heaven beaming down on it. The last 16 ounce Red Bull. There will be no night abortion after all – just the opportunity for a regular one.
Bros fucking love energy drinks. Mixing uppers and downers is the shit. Anyone that tries to tell you Red Bull is bad for your heart is a fucking bro hater. Many times people will ask bros how exactly they were able to drink for 14 hours straight without eating, they will inevitably reply, “I mean, fuck, I had like 4 Red Bulls, I was straight.” Bros love chugging Red Bulls, Monsters, or for lesser bros Rock Stars, but what bros love more than anything is mixing their energy drinks with booze.
Red Bull Vodka – The original. Still always a fucking winner in my book. Bros always know which bars have the best RBV deals and you better believe they load up on that shit. Anytime you aren’t in the mood to go #29 grind on some random slam piece at the bar – you go fucking get in the mood by crushing a couple of these. Sure you might not be able to sleep that night, but who needs sleep when you are slaying mad tail.
Jagerbombs – Now I know when all you fucking Anonymouses out there saw this you immediately went to the comments section to post that this is Guido shit. Well I agree with you – it was Guido shit, until the “My New Haircut” video. After that video bros everywhere were making fun of Guidos by yelling out “Jagerbomb! Jagerbomb!” non-stop. Of course this led to the purchase of countless Jagerbombs just to be fucking hilarious, thus causing all the bros to quote that video for the rest of the night.
The Bro Hater – Who the fuck would want to drink something called a Bro Hater? Bros – that’s fucking who. I only call it this because it’s the heart attack special. This refers to every group of bros’ crazy fucking concoction that no slam piece would ever dare drink. It’s loaded up with so much alcohol and energy that by having just one you are fucked up for the rest of the night. For my bros – our mix is called “The Cocaine Cocktail.” Our Big Guy introduced this to us and he’s the only one who has had more than one in a night. It starts out pretty innocent – with a Slurpee. Then you add the Red Bull. Big fucking deal right? Hold on. You’re gonna need some booze so lets go with about 5 shots of Everclear and just to top it all off crush up at least 3 No-Doze pills and boom – you are set for the night.
I know all you bros out there have your own Bro-Haters and I’m getting thirsty just thinking about them. I want to try something new this weekend so let me fucking know.