Sunday, July 26, 2009

#54 Hooters

It's Sunday night. You and your bros just got finished having another epic weekend at the beach. Three of your bros banged slam pieces, another had like a $300 tab at the bar on Saturday, and one even went to prison for spanking a cop (honestly, if the cop didn't want to get spanked he shouldn't have been acting so naughty.) You're halfway home when one of your bros brings up a good point: he's fucking starving. After like a half hour debate about whether or not the new Boneless Asian Chicken at Wendy's will give you diahrrea, your bro in the front seat yells out, "Shut the fuck up!" That's when everyone looks up and immediately knows - it's time to get nice on some fucking buffalo wings.

Bros fucking love Hooters. When it comes to fine dining, bros know no other option. It's the bro equivalent of Morton's for non-bros aka people with no life. If you have never been to Hooters, you are not a fucking bro. Bros have been going to Hooters since the sprouting of their first pube. Hooters is basically like a strip club, but instead of lap dances there are grilled cheeses. Any time you can have smoking hot chicks serve you food in a tight ass shirt and tiny shorts, you fucking take advantage of it. Bros also agree that the food at Hooters is actually pretty shitty, yet still list it as their favorite restaurant. So what is it about the waitresses that keeps bros coming back? Let's take a look:

They think they are better than Hookers and Strippers - they think wrong - Honestly, how can you ever pretend to take yourself seriously if you are a fucking Hooters waitress? "Oh, I mean I'm a professional, I'm good at what I do, that's why I make all the tips!" You have a fucking huge rack, tight ass, and wear more makeup than half the clowns at the circus - that's your real talent. Since bros recognize that Hooters waitresses are really no better than Craig's List Hookers, they love to treat them as such. Bros never look Hooters waitresses in the eye, always at their chest. Bros also love asking the waitress how much the beers are on tap. When she responds bros always ask, "Now how much for you?" This is always followed by an uproar of laughter, high fives, and a chanting of the name of whoever asked the question. Bros spend the entire meal debating which waitress they would most like to bang, but never can all agree on one. Bros should always try to bang their Hooters waitress and often times this happens, which is shocking since they are all whores. Having the Hooters girl serve you dinner and then banging her later that night is the closest thing to a date any bro should ever go on.

You pick where you sit - When a bro goes to Hooters, he goes with the intention of dropping some serious cash to get fucked up and eat a shitload of wings. This means there will be a big tip. Since they are spending a fuckload of money, bros want to ensure that they are getting the best the restaurant has to offer - this means no fat waitresses. There is nothing worse in the world (including cancer) than going to Hooters and getting a fucking orca whale for a waitress. Just becuase your fat doesn't mean you have big tits - they only appear big because of all the fat behind them, Porky. The worst was when a Hooters opened up nearby us in College. Obviously we hit it up the first four days it was open. The first three days were fucking money - we got smoking hot chicks both days, but then the fourth day happend. We were seated by the hostess who was probably getting a little creeped out by seeing us a fourth day, but fuck her - she was just pissed off that her Gonzo-like nose and acne prevented her from being an actual server. As we eyed the beer menu, we heard the greeting, "Welcome to Hooters, my name is (insert whore name here) and I will be your server." That's when we realized the atrocity which occurring right before our eyes: our Hooters girl was 8 months pregnant. Immediately we began screaming to the hideous hostess. "We want a fucking new section! We don't want this pregnant waitress!" In order to quiet us down so as not to disturb all the families seated nearby with the parents of the year that bring their kids to Hooters - they moved us to a hotter waitress. If there is one thing any bros out there need to take away from this entry it's this - never fucking settle for the ugly Hooters waitress. You're a bro. You are better than that.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hooters is great. I railed 2 Hooters girls in the past 3 months. I rule! They were dumb as shit.

Joseph said...

Props. most girls are dumb as shit.

Phil said...

NYB - I don't know if anyone has already used this, but man, you deserve a Bro-litzer Prize for Awesome Journalism and Keeping It Real. Bros are awesome and you are an inspiration to us all.

Gregg said...

I dont like the people who post a comment on what should be the next broclimation. It's like, well... nobody walked into the sixteenth chapel while it was halfway done and said "you know what would be cool? if you put a dragon up there..."

Anonymous said...

Gregg...I could not agree with you more. If people want to see posts on certain things they should start their own website, otherwise keep your mouths shut and enjoy the continual supply of material we are receiving from this site.

Cross said...

This site is taking the world by storm. Up here in Cleveland (America's punchline) this site is developing a following the likes of which haven't been seen since the Heaven's Gate Cult.

shaquille bro'neil said...

cult following at Arizona State.

I took down a hooters chicks. She smelt like wings.

-in hoc

Anonymous said...

this site is wonderful, even better is the IN HOC following. also does anybody remember there used to be hooters airlines?
-IHSV

Anonymous said...

this site is also an inspiration to all bros at mizzou, i cudnt be prouder than to spread the word of the bro amongst my bretheren and give it the ultimate honor, a link to my frat's listserve. bros r the shit.

BENNY BOY said...

BROMAHA is also on board

Bro in Chicago said...

University of Illinois representin... state schools are the shit.

Anonymous said...

"(honestly, if the cop didn't want to get spanked he shouldn't have been acting so naughty)"

Um what the fuck is this faggot shit? You're spanking naughty male police officers?

Ned's Youngest Brother said...

I agree with Gregg...but a fucking dragon in the sistine chapel would be money

Anonymous said...

back to the original topic. In honor of today's post, me and my bros went to Hooters. Our waitress was pretty hot (huge tits, tight ass), we still screamed for a new waitress. Why? Because we are bros, and shes a bra. Plus she had a fucking ring on her finger. Sure her husband is proud that his wife works at Hooters.

Max said...

Miami Hooters, downtown- TWO different pregnant servers. WTF? Had to get up twice. I want your tits brushing my shoulder when you drop of my wings, not a sharp kick from your belly, bitch.

broba chamberlain said...

the naughty comment is unacceptable NYB. so if you occasional use of "obvs." bros do not use these words. ever.

also, bros fucking love America.

Bronan the Brobarian said...

i love face-fucking hooters bitches. being a fucking bro in america is the shit.

Anonymous said...

OMG BROS FUCKING SUCK

Anonymous said...

The "Sixteenth Chapel" inbred is in here again making bros like look idiots. Stop posting you three toed piece of shit

Anonymous said...

LOL this was funny.


"The first (three) days were fucking money - we got smoking hot chicks (BOTH) days, but then the fourth day happend

Anonymous said...

hahah....sixtenth chapel"....moron

Anonymous said...

Both you fucking morons calling out "sixteenth chapel guy" are morons. If you are going to hate on the guy's post, at least get your fucking word order and spelling correct.

NYB, you are the man.

"Sixteenth Chapel Guy", not so much.

Brodeo said...

Hooters in Miami was the best I've been to because me and my orange-bowl trippin Hokie Bros ran up an about $300 tab and didnt get carded for the mass amounts of alcohol consumed...join Brodeo group on facebook

bilBRObaggins said...

my first asian slam piece was a hooters girl...in DC too. asians with big tits are the best.

PurdueBroSnu said...

Haha this shits so true, and BilBRObaggins you got that right about big tittied asians, its so fun just to tell those bitches there fat and ugly and ask for a new waitress. love it

afBRO man said...

lotta bro-love out here in BroMass amherst... no bromo

Anonymous said...

One time me and my bros got a pregnant waitress too...fucking sick. What was that slut thinking getting pregnant?

BIG JEEZY said...

I fucking love hooter's! As a Bro from Mizzou I know that fuckin hooter's is the shit. So is fuckin Show'me's till they fuckin closed. Posers. Word to the iddy bitty titty bras.... dont fuckin apply to hooter's i pay to see tits not bee stings!!!! NYB=Inspiration to all Bros at Mizzou.

BROmar Vizquel said...

Hooters wings suck.....Buffalo Wild Wings now that is the way a bro restaurant should be

Brojans said...

Hooters is the shit. One time, I got a really short waitress, like 5 feet dead with her heels. Obviously my bros and I gave her shit for being so short, and she was clearly pissed by the time she brought our check around. When she came back for my signature on the check (my father pays for my credit card), I said, "I can give you a few more inches when you get off work." I was half joking, and got fives and knuckles from my bros, but she wrote her number on the back of the take home receipt. Naturally, I slayed that slut the next night. Bros are fucking awesome.

Also, USC represent.

gallagher said...

Even as a young bro I was forced to ask the hostess why I was sat in the small titty section. I would be moved to the big titty section or take my business elsewhere. Dominating a Hotters hostess was a milestone at sixteen.

Anonymous said...

you can hate on a hooters girl all you want but they just serve you idiots food and wear the outfits as a job requirement. they pay bills and most of them are just using the fat pockets of small brained bros like you to pay their way through school, which is better than running over to mommy and daddy for some cash to hit up the strip club with. just because it's fun to pretend they go home with you when their shift is over, doesn't mean it happenes, especially when you are a broke, arrogent bro.

The Man With Bro Name said...

NYB - you are god among bros. These topics are all spot-on.


Me and my bros had all just returned home for the summer after our first year at brollege. We decided a little bro reunion was in order, so of course we go to the fuckin' Hooters in Glendale. Grabbed a choice table by the plasma screen and wait for our slamwaitress to arrive to take our order.

And who should be the girl serving our our table? Why, it's Susan, the slampiece I lost my v-card to in high school!

(She had stopped talking to me the day after we boned for the third time - she was pissed because I left a used condom on the floor of her room which her dad found. He grounded her for like a month and she had to miss Prom. Bonus: she had already paid the school the $150 for our bid, I never reimbursed her the money, and I ended up going to the dance with another slampiece who gave me a beej in the parking lot. Bros don't give a fuck.)

I could see the disgust in her eyes once she realized she had to serve us, but she couldn't do shit about it because it was the middle of a weekday and she was the only waitress on shift. We made sure to be extra loud and obnoxious during our meal.


Plate of buffalo wings = $12
Being a Bro and having your first slampiece end up waiting your table at Hooters = Priceless

hooters bra said...

As a former Hooters slampiece, it really made my day to see you point out that there is always at least one Orca waitress per Hooters. With rolls of fat trailer skin protruding over their orange shorts, how are you supposed to keep your wings down?

NYB if you came to my Hooters, I'd clear out all the beached whale waitresses before you came, because no bro deserves that.

Anonymous said...

NYB this post is spot on. All girls that work at Hooters really are whores. I've banged 2 Hooters waitresses at the one near my college campus. These girls make me laugh because they get so much attention at all these college parties and on campus but it still isn't enough and they need to work at Hooters to bring up their self esteem.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a "bro" but I find it amusing to go to Hooters because the waitresses hate seeing females in there for some reason. I'm a female by the way.

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