Wednesday, July 29, 2009

#55 Breaking Shit

You just #40 got kicked out of the bar, but honestly it wasn't your fault. There was a long ass line for the bathroom, so you just #36 peed against the bar. Some fat bitch got sprayed on and she fucking told on you, so your night has to end at 1:45 and not 2, which fucking sucks. You're fucking hammered on your walk back to your car. Obviously you're #23 driving because you are not a loser. That's when you see it: a mailbox shaped like a fucking cow. "That's the dumbest shit I've ever seen," you think to yourself. It's time for this cow to fucking fall. Through the drunken haze you remember you have a tire iron in the back of your car. After ten good swings and a lot of talk about the cow's mother the mailbox is demolished. That’ll show the bouncer for kicking you out.

Much like their love of #33 playing with fire - bros fucking love breaking shit and vandalism in general. Bros know they are above the law, but knowing is not as powerful as showing. By breaking other people's property it sends the message that there is a bro in town and you better not fuck with him. But what makes breaking things so great?

Separates Bros from Bras – It’s a fact. Bras want to be bros. Just a few of the things they envy include bros' drinking ability, superior intelligence, and the fact that they don't get periods. But perhaps the most overwhelming difference that haunts bras is their lack of strength. Bras fucking hate the fact that bros are strong enough to break shit and they aren’t. Bros love showing this shit off and to be honest bras can't resist it. Breaking shit is even a bigger panty dropper than #29 grinding to Flo rida on a fraternity dance floor. I know – all you anonymouses out there are ready to call bullshit because nothing says romance like “Right Round” blaring on the speakers and a half-chub in the pants – but hear me out. The more impressive the break – the more the slam piece will want you and the more she will be willing to give up (for the record - I don’t think “give up” should ever be used in connection to a slam piece – it was given a long fucking time ago, but I just wanted to get the point across.) Smash a few wine bottles in the street? Dome shots. Throw a fan off the balcony? Reverse cowgirl. Smash a random car window? No more saving anal for her husband.

Bro Points – Sure it’s nice to impress slam pieces, but it’s much more important to look good in front of your fellow bros. Bros fucking love to out do one another, and breaking shit is a great way to do this. One time in College I was visiting some bros from back home at another school. As they played some “Blades of Steel” on their original Nintendo, the game froze. Since the system was about 13 years old, this isn’t all that surprising, but as we had been drinking heavily for a few hours, the blame went elsewhere. The TV. Obviously, the TV itself had nothing to do with the game freezing, but its seemed like the logical explanation at the time. It was time for the TV to go. My bro put on work gloves to protect from the electric shock, some swimming goggles to protect his eyes, and a bandana for intimidation more than anything else and grabbed a 6 iron out of his golf bag. As everyone #4 chanted his name, he took a couple practice swings and then connected. Sparks flew, we hit the ground laughing, and just like that, their TV was destroyed. I have to say I gained a lot of respect for that bro that night, and you had better fucking believe he earned a shit load of bro points. Who cares if they had to buy a new TV the next day? Who gives a fuck if security was called on their apartment? What difference does it make that there was shards of television screen glass in their carpet for the rest of the semester? The bottom line is bro points are priceless. Anytime you have an opportunity to earn some – you better damn well take it.

37 comments:

French Toast SLAM said...

Fuck shit up!!

Anonymous said...

One time back at the frat we were playing dice and ran out of beer (lame). Everyone was over spending their own money to send a pledge to buy more, so instead we decided it was a good idea to break into the coin-op washing machine in our house, since we figured that was our money anyway. After busting open the changebox, the machine was useless (wouldn't start) so we ripped it out of the wall, threw it off the balcony into the courtyard, then took some bro's clothes from inside and doused them with gasoline and lit the whole thing on fire. 58 dollars in quarters later, we had a shit load of natty to keep the dice firing.

Cross said...

One drunken night i found out that the car parked across the street from my bro Jorge's house was purchased by my father for his fiance. I decided it was time to get payback for my mother's sake and smashed the car to bits with punches, kicks, and body slams. It was the greatest accomplishment of my life.

Trent said...

Just for the sake of breaking shit the bros in my frat and I would by tv, computer screen, microwaves, or whatever the fuck else looks cool when you throw it off the sleeping porch balcony. Not only did slam pieces walking buy stop to get wet and watch, but we bought that shit from goodwill. And unless you're buying a funny shirt the only thing goodwill is good for is buying shit you don't need and
that potential poor people might actually use and breaking it. Then make the pledges clean it up. True Bros.

shaquille bro'neil said...

One time I was watching the ASU football game in my room at the frat house with some slam-pieces and vodka and #43 energy drinks. The bro-hater refs mad a horrible call on a play and I went for my flatscreen. I picked it up and took it to the second story balcony and threw it off. There were tons of people outside the house in the street since the game was going on and they all started applauding. You already know I got laid.

I still collect bro points to this day each time that story is told.

-ihsv

BENNY BOY said...

You are not a true bro unless you have smashed at least one of your cell phones in anger.

Dave said...

Great post NYB, probably your best one yet. One sidenote: bros love to get combine #40 getting kicked out with breaking shit. Come about 1:30, my bros and I love nothing more than giving each other the "it's about that time look" and then instantly breaking anything and everything in sight. If you can find them, glass ashtrays are particularly well-suited for breaking. They shatter easily, make a very satisfying sound when they do, send glass flying across the bar (hopefully injuring some bro-haters in the process), and it's often hard to for the Man to tell which Bro actually spiked them. Yea, you and your Bros are going to get kicked out, but you'll be back next weekend to break the new shit they used to replace the shit you fucked up. Bros are the shit.

Staunchly Right, Heavily Starched said...

id like to make the argument that breaking shit with an implement not necessarily designed for inflicting damage is like a double word score for bro points. sure breaking a tv is great, but breaking a tv by throwing another tv through it is a bro point bonus. ive found that mag-lites are particularly useful for breaking shit, as well as brandishing threateningly at the fucking bro-haters who complain about "glass everywhere," "toxic chemicals" and "thats my dads mercedes."

Rocky Bro-boa said...

Man break shit is fucking sweet, especially when hammered. Me and my little bro constantly turn to wrestling in places after I waste him in drinking games, which thus far has resulted in putting a body size whole in the bathroom wall, throwing him through a lounge table and smashing Tv's decorating a side walk. Bros love breaking shit, which 95% of the time leads to nailing slam pieces. Bro's are the fucking shit

Brostradamus said...

One of the most popular methods of drunken vandalism we do rolling back to the fraternity house is cashing review mirrors on cars. Nothings better than a bmw or mercedes. When that occurs you just quote Chappelle Show's Rick James skit and yell to the world "buy anotha one you rich motha fucka."

Another has to be cashing someone's door. If you go to another fraternity's party, you just go to the upstairs bathroom, meander down the hallway and kick down the door. It's a a pain in the ass for them to fix and there is a high probability some other epic bro will lay waste to his room later that night. Bros are the shit

BROhemian Rhapsody said...

great post - i love breaking shit - but the only thing better than breaking shit is breaking shit and taking pieces of the broken glass (from the tv or window you just smashed) and cutting yourself open with it! nothing says im a crazy bro fuck better than breaking a pint glass after pounding a glass of whiskey, taking a shard of the broken glass and slicing your arm or forehead wide open, with another one of your bros doing the same!! #1 sluts love scars #2 you and your bro will always have some ridiculous scar to remember that epic moment by!

Cosbro Kramer said...

Breaking shit is what bros do best...back in the day, when i was a young bro in my prime (around 19) I was invited to a wedding as the date of the bride's sister. The night before the wedding, a bunch of older bros from the wedding party took the groom out for his final night. Luckily, they knew the bartender, so I got to go along too. These older bros were wild...doing shots & chugging beers, and grinding on slampieces until closing time. When we left the bar, one of the bros decided it would be wise to rip a parking meter out of the ground and put it in the back of his SUV. Within minutes, there was a cop car there. The groom and I split and ran through a few alleys with the cops chasing us. We found a tractor trailer backed into a loading dock and hid in the back of that for a few hours. We finally walked home, went to bed and got up the next morning. At the wedding ceremony, the bro who ripped the parking meter out of the ground told us how he "explained" to the cops that the parking meter was loose and he was just doing his civic duty to return it to city hall. The cops let him go and the rest is history. That guy was a bro king.

JABTH said...

One time around 4 am right after the bars closed here in NYC, I went to my neighborhood taco restaurant but they were closed too. What pissed me off was that there were people inside still eating, and one guy right next to the window made a face at me to rub in the fact that he was eating and I wasn't. Out of pure reflex I hit the window as hard as I could just to scare the guy but my fist went all the way through and the entire window fell apart. There was blood everywhere and people were screaming. Drunk as I was that scared the shit out of me so I ran home.

Anonymous said...

Great story Cosbro. Great story.

Balls and Shaft crush Delaware Slampeices said...

you know you're a true bro when you throw your bedframe out the window of your bedroom and elbow a 2 pane window in and come out uncscathed. Security deposit gone.
bro I definately got laid alot that year with a broken bedframe nontheless.

Bro Patterno said...

March 2009) After a brodown that lasted several hours, I came back onto my dorm hall at around 4 AM and this annoying bitch on my hall had this stupid ass porcelain dog sitting in the hall near her door. In my extraordinarily drunken state, I decided that I did not like this girl and I especially did not like her fucking fake dog. So I took about 5 steps back, raised my hand as if signaling an imaginary referee, and booted the fucking thing halfway down the hallway. I then began running up and down the hall screaming "I punted Baxter!" So the next morning, knowing good and well that I should apologize (because everyone knew I destroyed her dog), I left an envelope under her door. The note inside read; "I'm sorry about your dog. I have enclosed what I feel is a sufficient enough amount to purchase a new dog." The envelope contained $50...in Monopoly money.

JGola said...

best way in the dorms to tear it up is to play a little 4am super mario and take out ceiling tiles like theyre fucking blocks with coins

Bro Patterno said...

Ha I've done that. I was notorious for breaking the ceiling tiles and throwing garbage and empty liquor bottles up there. I also punched exit signs and whiteboards*.

*One incident with a whiteboard ended with several stitches, two lacerated tendons, and an operation. But I've learned my lesson. Now I just kick the fucking whiteboards instead.

Brony Montana said...

Bro-king shit is definitely a legitimate way to end the night...my old apartment building has yet to replace the ceiling fans/wall lights that me and the bros BROke while drunk...the best part is when my bro-mates drunken ass locked me out with the inside deadbolt my bro rhino charged and broke both deadbolts then we called the pussy management company and told them a robber tried to break in...they wanted us to file a police report fucking fags. another incident involved a brand new 350z that had an out of state plate which surely belonged to a douchebag brohater who thought he was the shit. both doors, side mirrors, back windshiedl and headlights were all destroyed...the best part about it i saw the owner the next day when i was walking to the store...it was not a brohater at all...it was a fat chick ha ha ha

Bro in Chicago said...

Who are you Brohemian Rhapsody, fucking Mickey Rourke? I see the creativeness with which bros are making up new names (Cosbro Kramer? Great story by the way) is constantly increasing. What's better than breaking shit and then fucking a slam piece? Breaking the slam piece WHILE you rail her. A bro of mine was pounding this bra so hard that he tore her vag and she had to go to the hospital. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

Nothing beats dropping a bowling ball off the roof onto your parents appliances: TV's, toilets, expensive chandeliers...

Holy Broman Empire said...

One night me and my bros were drinking and got bored. We decided to go to the local driving range and stole three shopping bags full of golf balls (because stealing is the shit). We brought the balls into the dorms and went to the top floor (the 5th). Right outside the window the stupid fucks from security parked their rent-a-cop cars. We figured since we hate authority and assholes telling us to be quite at 4am on Tuesday nights because we love drinking, we should throw these golf balls at their stupid cars.

There was another bro in the lounge and when he saw what we were gonna do he realized what we were doing was so awesome he swore he wouldn't tell security we did it. Watching those balls fall onto their hoods and windshields felt so awesome I felt full bro-itude!!! After the damage was done the rent-a-cops were furious and asked everyone who did it. They went to the cars and were taking pics like they were CSI or some shit. The entire 5th floor had to pay for the damage to the pigs' cars and they were so impressed by our bro-king ways, they never told on us and took care of the tab.

Broseidon, Lord of the Brocean said...

The night before Thanksgiving break last year, me and my bros were #35 pregaming before going out to the bars. Needless to say we were blackout drunk by the time we walked in the bar doors...we are fucking bros after all.

After awhile, my one bro, who was also blackout drunk, decided to challenge me to a chugging contest to which I could not refuse. After I completely embarrassed my bro, he angrily threw his draft glass against the floor, shattering it everywhere. I seized this bropportunity to gain some major bro points, and decided to also smash my glass. These actions were repeated around five times, until finally the bro-haters caught on. This gargantuan bouncer, who we now call "Andre the Giant" kicked us out of the bar.

This night helped me and my bro to achieve some serious bro points, seeing as we achieved a triple threat. I fucking love being a Bro.

Bro Dirt said...

some say i break shit too much. i say theyre fuckin pussys and im boss

Anonymous said...

A staple of broing out at my fraternity house is breaking all of the old appliances that people left from the year before. This is accomplished through a variety of methods: baseball bats, other old appliances, the 5 foot drop, etc. My favorite, and also my go to move when we're breaking shit on the dance floor, is throwing a half empty keg at the pile of shit. I'm not sure if there is anything more brotastic that you can do while breaking shit.

extra-bro-ardinary bro said...

me and few bros were getting drunk as shit on a fraterday a few weeks ago when this fuckin bro hater hit me and took off running to his car, being a true bro that shit was not gunna fly, i chased him to his car and as he drove away punchin him threw his driver side window, he immediately realized he was fuckin with the wrong bro and got the fuck outta there, i walked back into the bar where all the slam pieces saw my broken hand covered in blood and immediately got wet, of course i wasnt fuckin goin to the emergency room cuz the bar hadnt closed yet, so i got wasted and went back to the frat house where i had 3 slam sessions with a top slam piece, i fuckin LOVE breaking shit!

ihsv

Anonymous said...

my freshman year me and a couple of my bros went around the school and asked all the slam pieces for their old cell phones, they were skeptic, and we told them that we were cared about the environment and were going to properly get rid of them........we were later seen with 15 cell phones, a baseball bat, throwing pitches on the quad and destroying the cell phones..

breaking shit is the shit

BROke back mountain said...

Anonymous cell phone breaker: stupid story. try again.

Anonymous said...

Two days before Christmas. My bros and I had been slamming beers for a solid 6 hours. We had been banging slampieces all break, and we still had two weeks or so until we had to go back to school and bang some more slampieces. The genius idea came over us. "Let's go fuck the shit out of Christmas decorations!" There was about two feet of snow on the ground, but in bro fashion we went out in tshirts and jeans. The highlight was either my bro throwing a birdfeeder thru a window or taking a shit in a snowman and leaving it on the front porch. We drove by the next day and there was unlimited wicker deer, glass ornaments, broken rocking chairs, and metal pots scattered in the street. Bros are the shit.

Bronan the Brobarian said...

The more expensive something is, the more bro points you get when you break fuck it up

Anonymous said...

Gondola, middle of the day between runs. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

I love breaking/ripping shit down

Chillen at a sorority a few weeks ago me and the bros were mad they ran out of beer and proceeded to punch, kick, and one kid was even headbutting the wall. After watching 300 earlier in the day all my rage came out and I "THIS IS SPARTA" kicked the wall leaving a massive hole.

Another favorite past time is ripping down all the signs and bulletin boards that told us about floor meetings and stupid group meetings. I don't go to fucking floor meetings I'm a bro

Tom said...

Blades of Steel - epic game. Played it a couple days ago actually.

Awesome post.

Anonymous said...

last halloween it was about 2am and im hammered with a beer in hand driving my truck with my bro jsut wanting to fuck with peoples shit after driving on peoples lawns got old and running over mailboxes with my truck we decided the new thing is stealing pumpkins and throwing them on our principles drive was the way to go....me and my bro smashed 23 pumkins on the driveway

Anonymous said...

Bros are indeed invincible, but me and my bros might be running into some brohaters pretty soon........

http://boston.barstoolsports.com/random-thoughts/reader-email-how-much-money-can-a-landlord-charge-you-in-damages-for-a-5-day-house-rental/#comments

The Man With Bro Name said...

Ah, breaking shit. Truly Bro. Some of my favorites:

1) Playing "stair bowling" the last night before getting kicked out of our house. It's exactly what it sounds like. Stand at the top of the top of your staircase and chuck a heavy-ass bowling ball downstairs - destroying the floorboards, drywall, and any shit you decide to use as bowling pins.

2) Stealing a couch from the lounge of our dorm, bringing it up to the 5th floor balcony, setting it on fire, and throwing it off. Bros love both burning AND breaking shit, so we figured we might as well combine the two.

3) Smashing the shit out of our beirut table with sledgehammers because we couldn't fit it through the front door on move-out day.

4) Getting wasted during the Super Bowl and then taking turns shooting the spare TV in our garage with my bro's .38 revolver.

Ali G as BROrat... Sexytime said...

freshman year a past slam piece was being a bitch so i began to put her in her place. we left the highlighter party at my bros frat and walked back to our dorms covered in marker, and i dropped a comment about how she looked like "stewie griffin had tried to draw a whore and ended up with this mess" she took off crying so me and 2 bros continued to another party smashing mirrors off cars and kickin over everything we could find... that night i got back she was in my neighbors room bitching to her bras about me. she took off and they all began giving me shit... i did the only logical think u can do when ur mad at bras and fucked up... i punched the shit out of their tv. not only did i establish the fact that they made a mistake for giving a bro attitude, i got to claim the bro cred the next day as the story spread that the demolished tv in the garbage was a direct result of my awsomeness

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